I love you

I think it's great to be an actor because you get to say such great lines. The second half of this sonnet was quoted in Patch Adams.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda
Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960)

Officially an Aunt -YEA!

Santa came early this year and delivered this bundle of joy (literally bundled up!)



Her name is Eliana! The name is of Hebrew origin which means "the Lord answers." She arrived safely into this world in Assunta Hospital at 4.55am on 13th Dec 2006. She weighs 3.2kg and measures 49.2cm. Aww so cute... like the fact that she's a nice lock of hair and also pretty pouty lips (probably from her father). I know all newborn babies tend to frown but she does seem to look rather serious in the first photo. I wonder if she's going to be a thinker ... serious and siao like her auntie! Har har har ... In my completely biased opinion I think she's going to one super-cool girl. Can't wait to meet her in person. So (drumroll) that makes me an aunt officially!

Keegan (my brother) already bought her a couple of branded pieces of clothing and can't wait to go home for his summer break (currently studying in Melbourne) to adorn her. LOL ... he's going home to adorn the Christmas gift of our family. Of course I've already sent a Roots (Canadian brand) baby tee (literally) her way, which has been waiting for her arrival, and will be my first Christmas present to her. My parents are quite excited that they are now officially Datuk and Nenek. Just as they've been such cool parents, I'm sure they'll be even cool-er grans! In fact my mum took these photos with the digital camera on her mobile phone (check out the size of the photos) and emailed them to the rest of the family spread all over the world, including my dad who was in China when Eliana arrived.

As you can tell, we're all quite inclined to spoiling her silly. Plan to make full use of this privilege of being an aunt, although her parents think they're more likely to send her to me if she needs to be disciplined. Hmmm ... Thank you Lord for this precious gift.

p/s: Being part of such a cool bunch in her family, you probably won't be surprised to know that she already has her own blog and gmail account! Muah har har har har (evil laugh)

Advent Calendar

Today is the 4th day of Advent. Advent marks the first day of the church calendar thus Dec 1st is considered the Christian New Year in some circles. Part of the fun of this season is counting down to Christmas and this too have been commercialised with confectioneries selling Advent calendars to help children in this counting down process. It's all part of build up in the anticipation of Christmas and they have a chocolate in each window. My housemate brought home an Advent calendar, but ours is a serious ("proper") Advent calendar. It does not have any chocolate in the windows and each day we open the relevant window to read the verse for the day. We also have a mini Advent wreath which we lighted the first candle last Sunday.

The church I attend here has a huge calendar which marks the 4 Sundays of Advent. It's a painting of a stable with different windows that peer into the stable. Painted by one of our church members - it's the size of stage backdrop. Very cool and the windows have a bag of chocolates in it too!!

Here are some pictures to give you an idea.
Click on image to view enlarged image. Take a look inside the windows of the LOTR calendar here. I must admit that the idea of a LOTR advent calendar is a little too commercialised for me.

Grace Will Lead Me Home

My church here has just launched our 2nd CD, entitled 'And Grace Will Lead Me Home'. It's a combined project with our church plant on UBC, called UTown church. Think I've mentioned before that this medium size church has a general emphasis on the arts and sufficient musicians to make up 5 top-class worship bands! Very creative bunch. Listen to tracks and see photos of the team at the cd site.

You can listen to my pastors, Jeff and Tom in the interviews under Audio Files in the Interviews section. Ps Tom hails from the UK and felt called to minister here in Vancouver. You can listen to his lovely British accent and he's also featured in the track 'I know I am home'. This is the link to Sopwith world aka Ps Tom's family's blog. You must read Joel's blog ... Joel is his adorable son who is just over a year old and Ps Tom blogs on his behalf! It's hilarious.

You can also visit UTown church's website which basically leads you to their blog. It's cool in a way. No bulletins and everyone is part of the e-community. I'm not sure if they have any handouts for newcomers on Sunday, but it works since most of their congregation are tech-savy. In Point Grey, we can opt to subscribe to receive our weekly bulletin via email. Do what we can to save some trees.

Caught in a snow storm

From an array of colours to white winter wonderland in a matter of weeks. It's very pretty and winter is officially here. It's perfectly timed for Advent and although we're still in November, can already feel Christmas in the air. It's been snowing for more than 24 hours straight and it doesn't look like it's stopping soon. Out here on campus we usually get more snow than downtown. The other university about 45 minutes away is located on a hill and have been covered with snow since last week. There's a weather warning to expect quite a bit of snowfall. Still this is very mild compare to the rest of Canada.

I've not mentioned this before but God's given me 3 fun loving young men as housemates this term. Having lived with 2 younger brothers, I feel totally at home being the only girl in this arrangement! Of course it helps that I also get the biggest room. It's been great getting to know them and we are able to sit together to have long theological discussions! The pictures taken with them in the link below is a moment of our community life together - all 4 of us watching Simpsons at midnight! It's that time of the term.

See more pics here.

God sneaks up in our culture through the arts

I attended a workshop-rehearsal with the Vancouver Bach Choir for their upcoming performance of Handel's Messiah. This would be a sing-along performance which would be interesting because the choir would be seated in the crowd instead of on the stage. I had a preview of the event and we were served coffee and snacks during the break. All this for free? I'd say it rarely gets better than that. I've watched the UBC Choir perform this piece last year, but the lecture that went along with the rehearsal opened to my eyes to understand what Handel was doing and appreciate it much better. More than one friend have told me they've have fallen asleep watching this performance on previous occasion, which I can understand it's hard going for some folks to be listening to this repertoire in a 3-hour sitting. But I think it's hard to sleep when you get to participate and sing along with the choir. It was a real treat to for me to be able to sing the Handel's Messiah and with such an awesome choir.

I found the exposition of the musical aspect very helpful, but the best part was theological discussion of how Handel was using music to express different emotions and his devotion. This was especially enlightening and it was a devotional experience for me although I was not sure if the conductor was a believer. I used to wonder if the singers realise or appreciate what they are singing, which is so loaded theologically. For the uninitiated, you can refer to the friendly Wikipedia site to find out more. It was amazing to see all these folks (choir has over 150 singers, excluding guests) sitting and listening the gospel being preached to them literally. From the birth of Christ, His passion and death for the sake of our sins, His glorification and the final judgment, it's all found in this piece. I felt like I was attending a lecture in Regent rather than a choir rehearsal. May these songs minister to the one who conducts, the musicians, singers as well as the audience who pay to listen to the gospel being sung! Does God have His way to bring His message to this very secular, almost anti-Christian culture? You bet!

Last week I attended a play entitled Life After God with my friends. This is based on a short story by Douglas Coupland (the guy who introduced the term Generation-X). It was a play about a few friends who graduated from the same high school and their 15th year reunion is coming up. The play deals with different issues through these characters depicting the struggles of 30-somethings, and for this play, they contextualised the story in Vancouver setting. The loneliness of the single, believing and fighting for a cause like Green Peace, having abundance of material things and looking like you've made it, getting through life with the aid of anti-depressants, the righteous religious who realised he's put his faith on the wrong thing ... basically spelling out what it means to be lost in a graphically honest manner. It was powerful and I could sense in the audience that many could identify with the characters, especially given its particular context. The play ends on a positive note where there was kind of re-birth/ baptism moment.

I found it so refreshing because unlike many presentations put up by the church, it feels as if we're compelled to 'resolve' the problem and provide the solution, informing the audience how they should conclude, what they should think and believe. Perhaps I'm somewhat influenced by post-modern thinking, but I think we need to trust our audience to have the capacity to reflect and that the Holy Spirit will lead them to truth about God. I think it's better to deal honestly with the issues at hand and address them seriously, rather than gloss over it in an almost pejorative manner. When we do the former, we tell the world that we are sinners too and can identify with the brokenness that is common in all humanity. When we do the latter and are eager to dish out 'solutions' (which is usually in terms of quick-fix and pat answers) it gives the impression that Christians don't really get the issue, think we're better than the rest, know it all or have all the solutions and can't wait to get people to change their mind and convert! It's arrogant and I'm not surprised if some, if not many, find it distasteful.

That's not to say that we leave out the gospel and all, but instead of simply 'preaching' it in terms of what people ought to believe, or more common, how they should behave (?!), we can share about how Christ has made a difference in our lives. We can testify about our own experience and lovingly extend an invitation for our friends to taste and see that He is as good as we claim. In fact I'd go as far to say that even if we don't conclude with a former proclamation of the gospel that's fine too. Just open up the conversation and do it so that instead of reacting to our message, if people would give thought to the issues raised and be willing to consider it deeper, then I think we've 'achieved' our goal. They can always approach friends and Christians to explore more about the Christian faith and the difference Christ makes in our lives, when they're ready and desire to find out more. There is a difference when we share our faith as individuals and perhaps perceived to be less dogmatic than if someone told them from the stage what they should believe. I believe this is because the individual who share his or her faith is doing it in the context of an established relationship and matters of faith is a personal one. If the church finds it too risky to leave things open ended, God still has a way to use 'secular' production to do the job... and He sneaks up on us that way.

Family of God

I want to thank all who've shared with me in my recent misfortune ... the many who've prayed, expressed sympathy, referred me to reliable computer dealers, offered to loan my a laptop, 'loan' softwares, use of scanner to scan from the hard copies of my work ... and on and on. I'm grateful for the love and concern expressed. The community here and in Regent is not large but it's big enough to feel distanced. Not being a community group in College or small group in church here, I do feel a wee bit disconnected at times. Yet God's got a way of reaching me through His children... both far and near. I'm a typical Chinese in the sense that I don't like to trouble people with such matters, especially when there's nothing anybody can really do about it. When this incident took place recently I hesitated to share and was a bit lost as to whom to share it with and not having access to email and IM, didn't make it easier. Yet I told some I met in the course of the week and others whom I could think of to consult. So I was pretty touched by all those who offered consolation and to help in ways big and small.

Being away from home and my pool of 'natural' resources, I learn to ask for help. With regards to things like purchasing a laptop, I have never been very confident and would usually ask around, and even ask a friend to come along with me. This goes against my independent spirit but it's good for my soul and wisdom demands it. I'm grateful for my friend who helped me source for this laptop. I met him on Monday, following the incident, where he made a call and found out about this unit. It was good deal and I thanked him for the lead, telling him I'd think about it as I was not decided on whether to get a laptop or desktop. Without me knowing, he had actually gone down to the shop and taken a look at the unit that evening itself. This place is on the east side, more than 1/2 hour away on the bus. My friend lives even further out and it takes him over an hour on the bus to get home ... but he bothered to stop on the way and went to take a look at the unit. I am touched by his friendship. He's a fellow Malaysian and being out here, we try to look out for one another ... there's a kind of bond and I experience the family of God in a very real and tangible way.

All these added to my pool of resources which made it easier for me to forgive whoever who broke into my home. I believe the community of faith is a powerful force when it expresses itself in love. It gave me a tiny glimpse of what happened at the recent shootout in the school in the Armish community and helped me understand how the families of those victims could chose to forgive in response to the horrific events. I see the love and support they received from their tight-knitted community had given them strength to respond in love and forgiveness, instead of bitterness and vengeance. That's not to discount the fact that they had to make a conscious choice to do so and God's grace enabled them to so choose and live by that choice.

This to me is a picture of the people of God, a community of love and faith. We don't respond in a totally 'rational' way as the world expects us because we live out of faith in God as our foundation. The community gathers strength when we realise the enemy is not one of us, despite all our internal tussles or when one of our own fall into sin. The enemy is not even those who are outside of the community and do not share our views. But he is the one acts against God and use people as his instruments. He leads them to misrepresent God and focus on fighting flesh and blood, to divert attention from himself and his schemes. This is the enemy that we should unite and fight against.

Rough week

My apartment got broken into last Sunday. It took place between 12 -2.30pm when all my housemates and I were out. 3 of our 4 rooms got broken into and 2 laptops including mine was taken, as well as my housemate's wallet and almost all my cheque books. We reported to the police and I stopped all my cheques. The only room not broken into had a light on (and I used to nag him for his environmentally unfriendly and unsustainable habit!) while the rest of the house was not lit. It was a very dreary and rainy day and an unlit apartment was a clear sign that no one else was home. Being a long weekend here, it was all very likely that the apartment would be empty. However if there was any inkling that someone was actually in the room, then I think the person was rather brave to still hit the other 3 rooms, going through my stuff quite a bit too. I'm just glad I was not at home alone to encounter the person.

I feel the lost ... a laptop is a very important part of a student's life. Irony of it was that I was still taking photo of my desk with the laptop on it, around 4pm the day before and even posted it on my blog. Most painful was the lost of my data which I had absolutely no backup! All my work done here the past year over and also before - gone. But all's not lost ... am thankful for my diligence in maintaining a blog so at least I still have remnant of some of the photos I've taken. Learned my lesson in a very painful way which some can identify with if they've had their hard drive crashed or infected by virus (I sure hope others are learning from this experience of mine as well). It feels odd to open to 'My Documents' folder and not find a single word document in the file. Extremely odd, leaving you with a sick hollow feeling. I feel like I'm piecing my life together as I install softwares and re-set all my bookmarks from scratch ... I had a very established bookmark folder for my Firefox browser and depended heavily on it. Sometimes I feel like crying but I don't ... can't see what good that will do. Moreover it's not the end of the world. Far from.

Initially I didn't feel safe in my room since I was not able to lock the door. It was frustrating because the management was only able to fix it earlier today ... which is 5 days later, even though Monday was a holiday. Had to make sure one of us was at home all the time this week, it was quite annoying. I was grateful for my parents who called and text me regularly to check in with me, or I would have been so depressed otherwise. Am glad to have 3 guys as my housemates at such times ... I've had worst experience of being robbed point blank in the middle of the street and walk-in robbery at gun point at home. This pale in comparison but still can't help thinking why should these things happen to my family. Last year my parents' house got broken into and before that, my brother's house in New Zealand. We live in a broken, sinful world ... literally, no matter where we are. I was quite upset that something so important to me would be taken from me from my own room ... feel kind of violated.

I must admit I was tempted to join the others to curse the person, although I know I'd feel really bad and can't forgive myself if something terrible did happen to him or her. It crossed my mind if the person was driven to such actions out of a desperate state. When my pastor mentioned that we can pray God will deal justice to the person, I was hesitant to agree ... As I pondered more, I am reminded that Jesus taught us to pray "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I dared not pray for justice although I have no doubt that God is just. He is also merciful and more importantly, He has dealt very mercifully with me.

I am thankful for friends who've been sympathetic and encouraging, although the lost is not terribly significant compared to other stuff. A few people have prayed for the return of my laptop and that's my prayer too. Without a battery (I've removed it) and with a non-Canadian/American power plug, I do hope it'd be valueless to the person, and that they'll abandon it and it would be returned to me. In the mean time, a friend linked me up with a computer dealer and I managed to purchase a second hand laptop. The specs are quite good and he's willing to undertake the repairs (no warranty). The dealer is a Christian who's been taking care of IT needs for Regent and even hope to take classes with Regent next year. Although he's had the unit, he was not intending to sell it but have been using it personally. The price was quite reasonable and if I'd had bought a lower specs brand new model I'd still have to pay for original software. The damage would have been pretty severe. I'd thought it was a decent deal and am happy with the purchase so far. Trusting the Lord to sustain me through the rest of my studies here. Of course it's ironical that I replaced the laptop before they managed to replace the lock to my door! However in view of the fact that I've not been able to work due to my hectic work load this term, this is quite a bummer financially.

I think of Christmas that is fast approaching - can't help it with the season growing colder here and Advent in 2 weeks' time. For all that has happened, somehow I feel blessed compared to those who are suffering far more than I am and experiencing loss that is greater than mine. I have no cause for complaint and many reasons to be thankful. These things do happen and I learn to accept that the 'trials' I face is not uncommon to others (1 Cor 10:31) although I do not wish it upon anyone. I was listening to a Regent grad, Wee Seng from Singapore, share about the work of God in China, to my Chinese friends attending the Alpha meeting tonight. I was greatly encouraged to hear about the growth of the church in China, probably the fastest growing church in the world. China has always had a special place in my heart and this news filled my heart with rejoicing and hope. I know it touched the students too and gave them lots to think about. Not only is it legal for China to print Bibles for local distribution, which they have been doing and growing exponentially, but today China is also an exporter of the Bible!! Copies of these Contemporary English Version Bible can be found in Regent bookstore. The demand for the Bible is growing in China (duh!) and sales for the pocket size Bible has outgrown the full size indicating that people who are buying and reading the Bible are from the younger generation. This Christmas as we experience and remember God's generosity and grace, may we be generous givers to the work of God and spread His love and Good News to those who still do not know the true reason for our celebration.

JVIS Test

+0.73	Very Similar	Counsellors/Student Personnel Workers
+0.72	Very Similar	Teaching and Related Occupations
+0.68	Very Similar	Administrative and Related Occupations
+0.63	Very Similar	Occupations in Accounting, Banking and Finance
+0.60	Similar	Occupations in Law and Politics
+0.56	Similar	Clerical Services
+0.52	Similar	Occupations in Pre-school and Elementary Teaching
+0.51	Similar	Sales Occupations
+0.49	Similar	Personnel/Human Management
+0.46	Similar	Occupations in Religion

Highest Job Group: Counselors/Student Personnel Workers
People in these occupations assist others in understanding and overcoming personal, developmental, and social problems. They share information about such things as careers and study skills with others in such a way that it is meaningful and helpful to the person seeking assistance. Individuals in these areas tend to score high on the JVIS scales of Teaching, Social Service, Human Relations Management, and Professional Advising. Listed below is a sample of some of the occupations available in this area. To learn more about the occupations that make up this job group, search the complete NOC listings.

Occupations in Social Science, Education, Government Service and Religion
Educational Counsellors (e.g. Guidance Counsellor)
Psychologists (e.g. Clinical Psychologist)
Social Workers (e.g. Social Worker)
Family, Marriage / Other Related Counsellors (e.g. Bereavement Counsellor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Addictions Counsellor, Child and Youth Counsellor)
Community / Social Service Workers (e.g. Crisis Intervention Worker, Social Services Worker, Group Home Worker, Youth Worker)
Employment Counsellors (e.g. Career Counsellor, Vocational Counsellor)

Lord have mercy

Some of you might have read about Ted Haggart's resignation. It's painful when we see a fellow Christian soldier, a general at that, fall. Absolutely heartbreaking. It is also a stark reminder that we are all susceptible to being tempted and none of us are immune to sin, but are kept by the grace of God. We all have our share of struggles in our areas of weakness and given the right combination of factors, you can never say what you are capable of doing.

Not only was Ted the Senior Pastor of New Life Church but also the president of the US National Association of Evangelicals. This one is particularly close to home. One of the worship pastors there is a friend whom I knew growing up, in the Youth Fellowship in my church.

I have no right to cast the first stone. I can only cast my prayers and invite you to do the same. It's a painful time for the Body of Christ. May the Lord have mercy and restore him and his family, sustain the church during this difficult period and the Body of Christ at large, especially those in America. Although he has suffered tremendous shame (friends tell me this was front page on national newspaper in NZ), it is not beyond redemption and the reach of God's grace.

The National Association of Evangelicals is a group that is 30-million strong with over 50 years of history. However, in the last few years, its headquarters has moved to an office within Haggard’s New Life Community Church with its staffers fully employed by the church. This failure on the part of the NAE to operate independent of any one church or person is among the most critical mistakes the organisation has made – a fault that must be acknowledged and amended immediately.
Read more here at Christianity Today

Our church's overseers have required me to submit to the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford, and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage, and my family.
Read his personal statement to the church: New Life Church

Solitude

Feel like I'm back from the grave. The past few weeks of this semester have been the busiest since I've been here. The amount of work I had to do in terms of studies have been immense. I've written 5 full-size (3,500- 4,000 words) papers in the last 6 weeks on top of having to read a book a weekly and hand in a report for them. It was physically tiring and mentally demanding. This is in light of the fact that I've had a very hectic summer. So am breathing a little easier today. Thank God for His grace that sustained me and kept me. The last paper I had to write was the longest of them but I had no idea how to tackle the paper by last Thu night (which was due 4 days later). Thinking under pressure wasn't helpful and was starting to feel slight panic. Cancelled some appointments and asked for prayers all round. By midnight I could see a cloud in the horizon. It did feel like it came out of nowhere and the thesis emerged with more clarity the following day. This is not the way I like to work and write my papers but someone used to tell me, we don't get to work in ideal conditions, so we do our best with what we're given. God knew this ahead of time and I'm glad I'm not working part-time during this season because I would have not been able to keep it up and still do a good job, both in terms of work and studies.

The last 2-3 weeks have been so intense that I felt like I've been caving or like Jonah in the belly of the fish and feel as if my life has been running on hibernate mode. Doing the absolutely minimum and have had passed up on quite a bit, like public lectures (even one by James Houston), chapel services, alpha meetings and most of my social engagement, even my online appearance was almost non-existent. My friends found it hard to believe and so did I!! But one's gotta do what one's gotta do. So I'm thankful the Lord sustained and His faithfulness in keeping me me through all that. During this time I could not depend on anyone but look to Him. However I am grateful for those who've given me moral and prayer support and even help me work through my initial framework for my paper. I thought I'd be very unhappy about having to give up all that I really enjoyed doing but I guess I was too busy to think about it.

I know that you can't always put life on hold to tackle a crisis so I guess this is a luxury that I have as a full-time student and single person. It does reflect very poor planning and I have to learn to work with my limitations and not to be too ambitious - but I'm a slow learner! Yet I must say this has been a good season of retreat for me from my usual busy social butterfly life. I thought I'd resent this imposed withdrawal but I found myself finding a sense of peace within me. Perhaps I've been too busy to notice it, nevertheless it's a good sign I think to be able to accept it even though I really didn't have much choice. I guess that would be the only way ... probably would not have chosen to do it voluntarily!

Then again with internet I go all over the world through my computer even though I'm stuck to the desk, and that has source of ample distractions. Sigh. Which explains the new look on this blog. A result of boredom ... and like the theme of this blog, it was time for change. Time for more colours and light ... maybe it reflects what's taken place within me. Time for more colours and light in my life, out with the dark and bleak outlook, which I'm prone to in my melancholic moments. It's a step forward I hope ... a change that perhaps took place when I was unawares, and even is still being worked out in me. I don't know and am not in control. I can only wait and see what the Lord is doing in me. In the mean time, the submarine is ready to re-emerge! So look out world - here I come!

I find this new skin refreshing and hope you enjoy it too.

Real Lament

As I'm writing my paper on the intermediate state of the soul between death and the day of resurrection I lament that in this day and age, there are not many songs written today that help people, especially Christians, to deal with tough emotions. Songs that help us be honest with our pain and struggles, and teach us to truly lament. We have songs for thanksgiving, rejoicing, resting and releasing our burdens, even of toiling and working for God, and if I may add, victory in Christ. Songs of brokenness are usually related to repentance of sin and Christ's suffering on the cross. Is this a sign that we are unfamiliar with hardships? I doubt so. Do we give permission for people to lament and even voice our frustration and rage? Such songs are rare, if at all. If we truly believe that all emotions that we experience are valid and do not carry any moral judgment, then we must validate the expressions of such emotions. If not, then we can understand why Christians often feel the Church is not a safe place to express our hopelessness and despair, grief and anger... it seems there is no place for failure, much less, to talk about it. Many have expressed that it is easier to share with non-Christian friends because they have less expectation and are often less judmental. Failures and struggles are not automatically equated with sin or lack of trust in God, but part of being human. Even when it comes to confessing our sins, we often feel more comfortable confessing to a non-Christian friend than our Christian leaders. At least we know it won't be held against us for years to come ... It is sad and I don't blame them for thinking that Christians are hypocritical! Can you imagine if everytime we spoke to each other, we caveat it with a declaration, "Hello everybody, my name is Cheryl and I'm a sinner" (which means I'm a Christian and God is at work in me)?

I was happy to come across this site ... it has a list of songs and resources for helping us deal with the rough patches of life. Some of these lyrics are hard core honest.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

It is you, Lord
Who came to save
The heart and soul
Of every man
It is you Lord
who knows my weakness
Who gives me strength,
With thine own hand.

Lead Me on Lord
From temptation
Purify me
From within
Fill my heart with
You holy spirit
Take away all my sin

Do I really mean this? I don't know. This song came to me. A simple old melody and I didn't know there were verses cause we only used to sing the chorus.

Soo-Inn and his wife will be visiting us in Regent this Fri. Looking forward to that.

Love bade me welcome

Love (Sonnet III)

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them:
let my shame Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

—George Herbert, 1593-1633

Body World - Part 2

I've just been alerted by my friend about some controversy that have arisen with regards to the above exhibition. As mentioned in my earlier blog, I am quite keen to visit this exhibition. Although I'm aware there will be a degree of shock factor, nevertheless I think it is an educational and eye-opening exhibition. I don't agree that this in any way dishonours the person whose body is being exhibited or lacks human dignity provided it is done with, and only with, the consent of the deceased. It must be voluntary donation of organs and body parts. Apparently many of the exhibits do include a consent statement, but some of them are questionable, in particular those coming from China. This is very sad and will seriously taint how this exhibition will be deemed in the eyes of the public.

See related articles here:
Article by National Public Radio
The Guardian
Article by Christoph Reiners, of Peace Lutheran
Article by Rabbi Baruch Frydman-Kohl
Stop Body Worlds Blog

Superman, I am not

I was reading a few blogs from different folks and realised that many of us struggle with feelings of depression. It's not uncommon at all and I was saddened to find some who are very young struggling with this too. Life is tough. These are the first 3 words in M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Travelled. It's hard and the sooner we accept this, the better it would be. "Once we know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." I think this goes especially for Christians. I find that many Christians have bought the idea that life is better, or at least is not meant to be difficult, just because we profess faith in Christ. In my years of walking with the Lord and as I seek to study the Word more faithfully, I'm not so sure. Life is tough ... and it's probably tougher for Christians. Why? Simply because the way of life in this world is hostile to those who refuse to buy into the world's system and values. We are declaring war with this world's principalities and powers when we choose to identify with Christ. With that, the Cross itself is a testimony that the world is at enmity with God and those who follow Him. We are told to bear our cross daily. We have hope in Christ and that is true, but it is not a hope for a better life in this world, I'm afraid. Christ warned us that if we are to follow Him we must take up our cross and be prepared for persecution. That is not to say we act foolishly and bring self-inflicted predicament upon ourselves. But it will not be a bed of roses. It is not hopelessness because I believe that in Christ there is hope that our efforts are not in vain, yet at the same time accept that this life is difficult. So we have hope that is not of this world, thus we do not strive but look to the ultimate hope we have in Christ. Does that mean life offers no joy? No comfort? Oh no. But joy in the Lord is knowing that we have been reconciled with God and called to live a life that has purpose and meaning. We're not merely existing and the hardships of life will not easily dissuade us from living for God. The comfort we receive from God is in the midst of all our tribulations - not in the absence of them (2 Cor 1:3-7). In fact Paul tells us that we share in his comfort precisely because we are also partakers of his suffering. I'm afraid it's false consolation to tell someone that following Christ means we will not struggle or will be spared from hardships.

Having said that, I must admit I am prone to feelings of depression myself and understand that the things that life throws at us can sometimes, if not often, seem overwhelming. So overwhelming that you feel you are incapable of facing them... to the point that you just want to shut out all the pain. When my friends tell me that life is fragile and that we can be called home anytime, sometimes, I wonder why it's taking so long. I long to be home. Longing to the point that it aches. Long for the day when I won't feel the sting of loneliness .... long to be delivered from this body that is broken and marred by sin, always inclining towards sin ... long to see the Father face to face, look into His eyes of love and hear Him whisper my name, full of love. I want to feel His embrace and I know I'm home. I'm safe. There's a song that goes "I can only imagine..." that talks about this day. (Link to the lyrics)

In the mean time, I continue on this journey, by His grace. I am depending on Him to carry me through daily because I can't... on my own, by my own strength. I do what I can, which is to hopelessly abandon myself to Him and His mercy. Also, I have a burden to share this journey with fellow pilgrims as we make our way home. That is the reason I was drawn to the pastoral ministry. It didn't take me long to realise that there's nothing I can do about their pain. I couldn't deliver anyone from their depression. I could offer no 'solution'. Some of us wish we were Superman, having the power to change the world and make a real difference, even between life and death! For me, watching Superman made me realise that he too is constantly fighting a losing battle. He can't solve all the problems of humanity and he has his limitations. For me, it was frustrating. Very frustrating.

I saw my friends hurting and some seem to have a much harder deal in life than others. I don't know why and sometimes wish life would give them a break. I admire them for their courage to face life. I don't blame them for feeling tired or discouraged because I don't know if I can do any better. I've since learned that I can't solve their problems but I can offer to stand with them as they faced those problems, or mine for that matter. I have no quick-fix and make no promises, but have only myself to offer - my companionship on this difficult journey. I know God is present with us in the midst of all these and has not left us alone; and I plant myself as a physical reminder of that presence. A reminder that ... He is at work in our lives; He has not abandoned us; He sees our suffering; He is not untouched by our pain; and most of all that He loves us. And I offer to pray. I'm not a super-spiritual prayer warrior and have my own struggles in my prayer life. But I pray not because of how 'great' or effective my prayer is, but to acknowledge He is in control, to affirm that He cares and hears our prayers. So for what it's worth, I lovingly bring them before the Lord in prayer, especially when they themselves are too weak even to pray. Is that good enough? I don't know. Does that make a difference? I hope.

Desiring God Conference

This conference was held in the US recently. I've come across a few Christians (bloggers) who attended the conference and have been impacted by the sessions.
Link to listen or read these messages. Highly recommend it.

Cracking Down on Bloggers

Recently there have been a number of libel suits against bloggers which we should pay attention and heed. A needed reminder for responsible blogging especially in view of our Christian commitment. There are important and far reaching implications that should give us a cause for concern. I can foresee some taking advantage of this development to limit our freedom of expression. Yet I understand the need to curb abuse of this highly accessibly platform.
Link

Labyrinth

Just sharing my fascination with this symbol. As mentioned below, it's not a unique Christian practice, but Christians have adopted it for many years as a tool for meditation and prayer. In my class today, we talked about how we've lost the imagery of journey/ pilgrimage with regards to our faith. Perhaps this is one possible way of regaining the sense of that image.

Labyrinth is a means for prayer. Starting on the outside of the labyrinth, the praying person enters the labyrinth and prayerfully follows its winding paths to the centre. In the quiet, spiritual centre there is opportunity for rest, prayer, and preparation for the journey back to the world. For many walkers, the Labyrinth is a spiritual practice - for meditation, healing or insight. A labyrinth, unlike a maze, has no dead ends. There is only one path, and while it does have twists and turns, you can’t get lost. The same path takes you into the labyrinth and out again. With a labyrinth you don’t have to think, or analyze, or solve a problem. With a labyrinth you just trust that the path will lead you to where you need to be.

The classical or seventh circuit labyrinth has seven circuits, referring the seven paths that lead to the center or goal. This is an ancient design and is found in most cultures. It is sometimes dated back more than 4000 years. Also known as the Cretan Labyrinth it is associated with the myth of Theseus and the Minotaur. This design was found on Cretan coins.

The classical labyrinth has an association with Christianity. A cross is the starting point used to construct this labyrinth. The cross at the center can become the focus for meditation and the experience of the labyrinth. The classical labyrinth design is found in many churches in Europe.

The Middle Ages showed a renewed interest in labyrinths and a design more complex than the classical seven-circuit labyrinth became popular.

This was an eleven-circuit design divided into four quadrants. It was often found in Gothic Cathedrals but over time many of these eleven-circuit designs were destroyed or intentionally removed.

The most famous of these remaining labyrinths is at Chartres Cathedral near Paris, France. The labyrinth at Chartres was built around 1200 and is laid into the floor in a style sometimes referred to as a pavement maze. The original center piece has been removed and other areas of the labyrinth have been restored.

This labyrinth was meant to be walked but is reported to be infrequently used today. In the past it could be walked as a pilgrimage and/or for repentance. As a pilgrimage it was a questing, searching journey with the hope of becoming closer to God. When used for repentance the pilgrims would walk on their knees. Sometimes this eleven-circuit labyrinth would serve as a substitute for an actual pilgrimage to Jerusalem and as a result came to be called the "Chemin de Jerusalem" or Road of Jerusalem.

In walking the Chartres style labyrinth the walker meanders through each of the four quadrants several times before reaching the goal. An expectancy is created as to when the center will be reached. At the center is a rosette design which has a rich symbolic value including that of enlightenment. The four arms of the cross are readily visible and provide significant Christian symbolism.

Virtual walk of the labyrinth.

Andrea Bocelli

I'm a huge fan of Andrea Bocelli. I think he's really sexy and reminds me of the movie Scent of a Woman. I'm beginning to realise that many of my heroes were either lawyers, trained in law or intended to pursue legal training.

Andrea Bocelli is a classical operatic singer. Born in Lajatico, rural Tuscany not far from Pisa, Bocelli describes himself as a "product of the countryside". Born with poor eyesight, he became totally blind at the age of 12 following a soccer accident.

Despite his obvious musical talents, Bocelli didn't consider a career in music until he had studied law at the University of Pisa and had earned a Doctor Of Law degree. Inspired to pursue music, he studied with famed tenor Franco Corelli, supporting himself by performing in piano bars.

Today Bocelli has emerged as one of the most exciting voices of contemporary opera and has been called "the fourth tenor". Bocelli possesses a very unique gift - a beautiful, natural voice that communicates directly from the heart. His good friend Celine Dion described his voice once saying... "If God had a singing voice, it would sound much like Andrea Bocelli."

I found this video of a very cool fountain dance at the famous Bellagio fountain in Las Vegas, using his song, 'Time to Say Goodbye'. Watch the video here! You can also watch other related videos listed on the right panel there.

Body World

Real humans. Real science. Really amazing!
Never before has an exhibition offered such an intimate look at the human body. Approximately 200 real human specimens—whole body plastinates, individual organs, transparent body slices and healthy and diseased organs—present a one-of-a-kind anatomy and physiology lesson. See how your body’s systems relate to one another and work together to help you function and survive. View firsthand how lifestyle choices impact your health and how muscles and joints work together during athletic performance.

BODY WORLDS 3 was created by anatomist, Dr. Gunther von Hagens, inventor of Plastination—the groundbreaking method of anatomical specimen preservation. This technology allows authentic specimens to be displayed in a lifelike fashion for instruction and education, giving you an opportunity to appreciate what it really means to be human.

A note of caution with regards to the exbibtion: All body specimens are without skin so you can see the bones, muscles, tendons, nerves, blood vessels, and organs. Eyes and genitals of the body remain. A section of the exhibition highlights prenatal development, and includes embryos and fetuses!


Process of Plastination
A process at the interface of the medical discipline of anatomy and modern polymer chemistry, Plastination makes it possible to preserve individual tissues and organs that have been removed from the body of the deceased as well as the entire body itself. Like most inventions, Plastination is simple in theory: in order to make a specimen permanent, decomposition must be halted. Decomposition is a natural process triggered initially by cell enzymes released after death and later completed when the body is colonized by putrefaction bacteria and other microorganisms. By removing water and fats from the tissue and replacing these with polymers, the Plastination process deprives bacteria of what they need to survive. Bodily fluids cannot, however, be replaced directly with polymers, because the two are chemically incompatible. Gunther von Hagens found a way around this problem: In the initial fluidexchange step, water in the tissues (which comprises approximately 70% of the human body) and fatty tissues are replaced with acetone, a solvent that readily evaporates. In the second step, the acetone is replaced with a polymer solution. The trick that first proved to be critical for pulling the liquid polymer into each and every cell is what he calls "forced vacuum impregnation." A specimen is placed in a vacuum chamber and the pressure is reduced to the point where the solvent boils. The acetone is suctioned out of the tissue at the moment it vaporizes, and the resulting vacuum in the specimen causes the polymer solution to permeate the tissue This exchange process is allowed to continue until all of the tissue has been completely saturated—while a matter of only a few days for thin slices, this step can take weeks for whole bodies.

The second trick is selecting the right polymer. For this purpose, "reactive polymers" are used, i.e., polymers that cure (polymerize) under specific conditions, such as the presence of light, heat, or certain gases. Their viscosity must be low, i.e., they have to be very thin liquids; they must be able to resist yellowing; and, of course, they must be compatible with human tissue. The polymer selected determines the look and feel of the finished specimen.

Compared with this, taxidermy sounds like child's play! Check out their website. Sounds really neat and very fascinating. I hope to catch this exhibition at the Science World here. This is as close I can get without handling the live and real thing ... no plans to becoming a surgeon or nurse. Definitely don't want to be conscience if I have to go under the knife to cut off any of these!

Some hilarious folks @ Regent

Some videos of folks at Regent. The first one was a video presented at the recent College retreat. Stacie is a one funny talented woman and this really gives you an idea the kind of people we have here... people who trying to work out dead serious stuff like theology but know better than to take ourselves too seriously! There's some inside jokes but I'm sure you'll appreciate it too. The scene you see her camping, and later dancing around the tables of students who are studying, she's actually in the common area in College.
You must also watch the second video... this is our very own Gospel choir. We've got folks from all over the world and a very wide ethnic representation (the conductor is a Japanese lady) ... everything but an African-American!!

Links to:
Video One
Video Two

Time for me to get back to some serious studying!

Survey of Malay Muslims in Malaysia

Recent survey taken in Malaysia shows that 73% think we are Islamic state
Read more here.

Peter or Judas?

When my parents were here last week, my mum commented that I seem a lot happier. I guess it's hard to hide the fact that I love being here at Regent and what I'm doing, although I have faced some challenges and go through some stressful times. When asked if I love this more than pastoring ... I think that was a tough question. Tough because it's not fair and right to compare because there's really no basis for comparison. I love my time in YA and would not trade it for anything else, that is, I'd still do it, even if I was asked to choose again. There were pain and untold sorrows. The struggles that I had gone through were partly my fault and saw it as a time of change, growth and being stretched. Looking back I could see it was His grace that carried me through it all ... I know that was where He wanted me to be at that time and His faithfulness is the only thing I can boast about.

God has also graciously provided me with friends who've helped see me through this period. These friendships are priceless and precious gifts and they mean a lot to me. I won't be where I am if not for my friends. Some young, others much older and many from my peers, in all form, size and shape. They saw me and knew me... knew just how stuffy, serious and boring I can be, then with just as much grace, accept the super goofy side of me. Wild and crazy pastor ... wilder and crazier than many, if not most, of my members. I will always remember the time my CG took me out for a surprise birthday dinner. They told me they'd celebrate my birthday but did not tell me where they were taking me. We ended up driving, 3 car loads, up to Genting Highlands for dinner! I asked them what made them pull a crazy stunt like that? And their only answer was that otherwise it would not be befitting of an extreme pastor like me! I'll say that's an extreme demonstration of love!

My leaders saw in me something that I often missed in myself ... my potential in Christ! They loved me and all the bizzare range of personalities that I kept trying on did not deter them, and I think I tried quite a few. They believed in me, helped me find myself and taught me to believe in myself. They refused me to allow me equate my mistakes with failure and reminded me that it's as natural as a baby learning how to walk, insisiting that I get up and keep going. They refused to give up on me and won't let me me even think of giving up on myself. With leaders like that, it made me want to try and try again, to do something and make them proud. Do you know what it is like to have someone who inspire you like that? It gave me a glimpse of how God sees me. Often I have a very warped picture of God and He uses men and women to reveal a bit of His nature and help correct my skewed ideas. So I thank God for such godly men and women that God place in my life.

Looking back, I wince at the mistakes I've made, with deep regret... I told a friend recently that it's pretty amazing how I've managed to mess up every single opportunity God has given me, to prove myself to Him or do something for Him. It's undeniable. I used to sing a line from Frank Sinatra's song "My Way" - regrets I have a few but then again too few to mention (yes, I know this is telling of my age). This used to be my motto but as the years go by, I no longer sing it so boldly. I can't help but see my sin-tainted hand on everything I touch and wonder why God would want to involve me in his extensive and holy work. You know what? As I look back in church history, I find this same strand throughout the ages. Saints, who are also sinners, have been used by God throughout history to advance His kingdom. It's easy for us to look at them and romanticise or think that perhaps they were different or that they lived in a different generation from ours. But they're human just like us ... they got some things right but missed some other areas. Neverthless the purposes and plans of God will not be thwarted by anyone, not even if we tried ...very hard!!! How much more for us who are sincerely trying to follow God and serve Him the best we can?

Sure, for me it still feels like I've really messed things up, but my, main and only, hope, consolation and assurance, is that God is bigger than all our mistakes!! Nothing is so big an issue He cannot overcome and make turn it around for something good. I can choose to be Judas and give up, stop God from writing the rest of my story or I can choose to be Peter ... come back to him with heart-broken repentance and wonder if he'll give me another chance. Sometimes it seems like I've chosen to be Judas, trying to hide from any responsiblities and not wanting to risk another failure. But then God springs a surprise on me, turns up and gently but firmly, offers me another opportunity! He even knows what kind of offer to make me ... a baby step to help me get back on my feet and not asking of me to do what I think is way beyond me. Further he provided me a leader who is not easily deterred and very persistent, even though I feel he doesn't know me very well. He simply refused to take 'No' for an answer despite all my protests and declinations!

So what can I say? Yes, but help me Lord. I can't but You can... keep me from making a mess and fouling up this great opportunity. However even if, and when, I do mess up, please turn them around for something good and not let it thwart your plans. He'll see to that ... and if I really believe what I've written in the paper I'm working on, then His plans have already taken into account all my mistakes. Boy, what a huge relief!! The Lord brought to my mind a recent picture of my friend who was carrying a brand new tank of gas for the BBQ pit. Then his little boy (the bright blond hair little one) came alongside and the dad asked the boy if he'd give him a hand. Then he told the little guy to put his tiny hand and carried it as hard as he could! You know what? It really didn't matter what the little boy was doing cause the dad was doing the carrying and will see to it that the tank gets to the pit anyways. But from the child's perspective, he felt really important that he was giving dad a hand and pleased that his dad had asked for his help. The dad on the other hand also got a kick out of seeing his son's desire to participate in what he was doing!

Were you encouraged a little by this blog? I was just preaching to myself and I do that sometimes... feel uplifted just hearing the word of God being preached back at myself!

New semester, new beginnings

I am grateful for God for seeing me through the first week. Earlier this week, I was panicking about my workload and felt pretty overwhelmed. Made some resolutions including backing out of this weekend's College retreat, so that I could work on a paper. Feel like I can breathe a little easier and can cut myself some slack, and taking some time to blog. One tiny miracle this week was finishing my book report for my class on Wed. My friend was superbly impressed that I pulled it off because I had told him I had not started reading when I saw him on Tue afternoon, as I was going in for my class! Started after dinner and worked through most of the night, reading over 170 pages of John Cassian's book entitled Conferences - an ancient work dating back to 300AD. Thank God that he even gave me a good illustration to help me better understand the reading!

I have completely new housemates this year. One of them is a Hong Kong parentage but raised in Singapore. He's a 3rd year Economics student in UBC. He's one mean cook and cooks almost everyday, with full works of boiling soup and all (can immediately see the Cantonese influence). And I get to benefit from the extra soup sometimes - yes! He's quiet and clean. The other 2 are also guys; both are good friends. One of them turned 19 last Sunday and he's a Filipino Chinese with Canadian citizenship. He's just transferred to UBC, doing 2nd year Economics. Finally the last one is a Canadian and he is from British Columbia, his family lives about 45 minutes drive away. He's 18 and turning 19 at the end of the year! His major is in Religious Studies and does even more intense work than I do at the graduate studies level, including Classical and Biblical Greek and Latin! He sleeps with choral singing playing on his computer all night long.

Both the young lads lived in a catered dormitory residence last year and neither of them cook. So they've been surviving on take-outs and frozen dinners. Last night I cooked some rice and curry and offered them to my housemates. It was a real hit and they all felt it had a good level of spiciness - which means it was too spicy for me! Har har, yeah it's a joke. So yeap, I'm keeping up my tradition of collecting boys... a whole house of them this year. I think they're really easy going, and so far, I find it easier than sharing with girls. Keeping my fingers crossed and keeping up my prayers. A little bit of noise doesn't bother me. They've set up a 20' TV complete with home entertainment DVD set in the living area. Boys, especially young boys, and their toys. They've not been watching it though cause the TV didn't come with a remote control! It's been pretty quiet so far. Generally they're not too messy and don't dirty up the place, or are ok with washing up if I tell them the dishes been left out for too long. My ex-housemates visited me this week and found the place cleaner than when they were living here ... and they are 2 girls.

I love my new super big room... can bring in an entire 2-seater sofa and turn it more all 360º, which is amazing. Still in the same apartment, but occupying the room at the end of the corridor, intended for disabled. For the same price of the other rooms, it's a blessing. Even put up some nice gel-ly friends on my window. Check it out.





It's kind of tricky trying to shoot these gel-ly gems because the camera is pointed at the window and the light outside is quite bright. I'm learning to keep the camera in the shadow and try to aim my camera at the object, which with a 'point and shoot' camera it automatically tries to focus to the wall behind! You can see what I mean if you click on the first photo.

What really matters

This summer has been a exceedingly hectic summer - moving out, working, working as a TA, coordinating Summer School's Prayer Retreat, working as Orientation TA for the new intake of students, moving back in, finished 2 courses, then spending time with my parents' visit the last 11 days. On top of that, attending chapels, evening lectures, still try to enjoy the summer, spend time with catching up with friends and saying good-bye to those who left. I don't even know how I managed all that except for his grace ... nothing short of sheer grace.

Just as He has seen me through the last year and this Summer term, I know He will see me through this year. I have some catching up to do since I have not been keeping up with my coursework this past week my parents were here and term started this week. I am taking a course on Conversion and Transformation, another on Classics of Christian Spirituality and a seminar on Prayer. I will also be finishing my audio Systematic Theology C course which I started in the summer but haven't been able to get very far because of my hectic schedule. I am looking forward to all my classes. Conversion and discipleship is something that has always weigh heavily in my heart. I have lots of questions about what it means to be saved, the process of being a convert and disciple, how does transformation takes place in the life of a disciple, etc. I am glad to be taking the seminar on Prayer, and have been asking God to teach me to pray and have a consistent prayer life. I know that's one area I really need to work on and hope to approach this course (and all my other courses!) prayerfully. I need to submit my research topic this week so have to start cracking my head on it. The Classics of Christian Spirituality will lead me to read works from saints from across a wide span from different ages in Church history. Some of these I've read before and others are works I've been wanting to read ... so I'm really looking forward to reading these great classics. I thank God for courses that makes you read books you've been meaning to read anwyays - but still it's not joke to read about 6-7 works for one course with a reading report due every week! Thus I'm taking a few more credits than I've taken in previous terms, so it's gonna be a very challenging semester.

On the not so bright side - the weather has just turned a whole 10C colder and it rained the whole day! Fall is officially here. I'm glad God has given us really good weather the past few days my parents were here. We were still wearing only our t-shirts 2-3 days ago but they literally felt the days colder by the day since they came. It's really fun to experience the change of season and Fall happen to be my mum's favourite.

Besides the weather, I received some pretty hard news this week. It came as a very huge blow to me and took the wind out of me, partly because I did not see it coming. My confidence was completely crushed and felt as if I've seemed to successfully messed every opportunity God has given me to serve Him. I am so scared of attempting to do anything more for God because I know my sin-tainted hands are bound to mess them up. I even told my pastor that I have major doubts about taking up the responsiblity of coordinating the multimedia operators, despite my previous blog (which he told me he had read!). I am grateful to God for providing me friends to help me process through some of these stuff and to put things in perspective; friends, both far and near, who've listened and stood with me. I appreciate very much all their words of encouragement during this crucial period. I apologise for keeping things vague but the details are quite immaterial. It is also for the sake of protecting the identity of parties involved because I've been surprised by who actually reads this blog - the fact that anyone out there even reads this blog serves to amaze me. I thank God for keeping me intact and helping me learn from this humbling experience.

Like I said earlier, God has seen me through so far, I am trusting Him to see me the rest of the way. Some prayer items I'd appreciate if you could breathe a prayer to God are:
1. Course workload - grace, discipline, wisdom and strength to see me through this semester's demanding courses.
2. Work - I'm in the midst of looking for another job, something that's less demanding in view of the heavy course workload that I have. Whether I work less hours or if I don't work, I'm trusting God knows best and will provide for me.
3. Ministry - I will continue to serve with the Alpha for International students. Praying to God to bring in more helpers for this outreach to mostly tertiary students from China. Needs lots of grace for the new responsiblities as multimedia coordinator in Church.

As I told my dear friend, no matter how we do in our studies or even in ministry - that God loves us just the same. I used to tell my friends, in a jesting manner, when I feel overwhelmed by the pressure of my studies ... that I feel like jumping off a building! One of them would always gently remind me each time that my life is worth more than 3 credits (the number of credits for each course generally)! It's just her simple way of assuring me what really matters and reminding me that even if I were to fail the course, it's not worth dying for!! Thus my encouragement to my friend is something I need to hear for myself as well - that is, even if I were to fail all my courses, not have a job, completely fail in ministry - these are not the basis of my salvation. Neither are they the basis that God chose to love me.

One last thought for the day... during my parents' trip here I was reminded me of what it's like to have a Havenly Father who is constantly looking out for us. I did most of the driving, for some very good reasons: I've not driven for months; my father's not used to right hand drive; I was more familiar with the local roads (although I don't drive here). On several occassions he has 'rebuked' other drivers for not letting me pass or using their horn, with comments like "Who's bullying my daughter?". This is not said in a very angry kind of tone but said more for my sake since the other drivers can't hear him. He's super protective and cannot stand to see anybody bullying his children. It's not like he is terribly patient with me or does not comment if I make a mistake ... but his 'harshness' with me is out of love. However he will not stand for anyone taking advantage of his children or harrassing us. He will not hesitate to stand up for us if he perceives that we're being mistreated and if need to, show others how tough he is capable of. This sort of 'harshness' is also motivated by love but it is not something you want to mess with. That's the way our Heavenly Father is and especially towards the fatherless. He constantly provides for us, looks out for us and will not hesitate to stand up for us if anyone tries to mess with His precious children. May we have a deeper appreciation of the Father's love for us daily; may we live in and out of a deep sense of security in His love; and may all our service spring out of an overflow of His love.

Time with my parents

My parents are in Vancouver for their first visit since I came, over a year ago. It's really been awesome to be able to spend some time with them. We visited the Rockies over the weekend. Have driven more than 1,000 miles since they arrived. My friends here think that's absolute madness... but then again, those who know me should know this is nothing for me, or my family! We visited Vancouver Island and Butchard Gardens. It's pretty amazing. More amazing for me is to see my dad taking pictures of flowers. Here is the link to some of the photos I took during these trips ... can compare them with my last trip to the Rockies in Spring. They look pretty different.

Link to the photos.


Lake Louise in Spring.

Lake Louise in Summer.

The way you look tonight

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.


This is one of those awfully low days...
And this is one song that can play in my dream and lead me to wake up dancing!

Summer Photos!

Malaysians doing an outdoor BBQ in the park - only in Vancouver!

Farewell for KC and Sophia at Victor's place. One of the many this summer.


Helped to hand out icy cold drinks and fizzies beside the church to walkers for BC: Run for Cure for the Cancer Foundations. They came out to run in their full gear!

Dr Karen Jobes taught on the book of Esther which I helped to TA. Learned heaps from her!

Dr Alister McGrath taught on Apologetics. He was crystal clear and very helpful in answering many of the questions students brought to class.

Sharon Jebb Smith hails from Ireland. A Regent alumni who came to taught this Summer. Both she and her husband have a very lovely Irish accent.

One of my best thus far. Was surprised at my camera's ability. Not bad at all for a point and shoot.

Found this cafe located in Granville Island, with every table individually designed with infills like this!

Little Sammy holding out a flower for me to take a photo! Love his amazing blond hair - won't get it that colour even if I bleached mine over and over again. I should know... I tried.

Little Hannah is from Malaysia. She's just mastered riding on 2 wheels. So proud of her. Look at the amazing flowers she is posing beside. Juxtaposed them together for some perspective.

This humongous sunflower is taken from the garden of the house located next to my church. Contrast it with the school in the background. I'm amazed it is actually standing.

The Cracked Pot

A water-bearer had two large pots. Each hung on opposite ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other was perfect. The latter always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house. The cracked pot arrived only half-full. Every day for a full two years, the water-bearer delivered only one and a half pots of water. The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, because it fulfilled magnificently the purpose for which it had been made. But the cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After the second year of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, the unhappy pot spoke to the water-bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you" the pot said. "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" " I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work and you don’t get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water-bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said. "As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the cracked pot took notice of the beautiful wildflowers on the side of the path, bright in the sun’s glow, and the sight cheered it up a bit. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad that it had leaked out half of its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, not on the other pot’s side? I have always known about your flaw, and I have taken advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day, as we have walked back from the stream, you have watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have had this beauty to grace his house."

Every contribution, no matter how small, is counted for the master’s good.


Sometimes I feel like the cracked pot (or a crack pot!) I look at the sins in my life and I wonder why is it taking so long? I know God saved me and is in the process of transforming me but why is it taking so long? Why do I still see these cracks in my character and personality? Wouldn't it have been easier if the work of sanctification was completed at the time of conversion? Then I can truly live as one who has been redeemed by God, with the redeemed people of God to show forth God's redemption in creation. Instead now I see how I am so predisposed to sin that I cannot trust myself, not even for one moment. While I long to love and serve others in the body of Christ and the community at large, sin trips me up and relationships are strained, if not kept at a distance. I dare not show people who I really am, and am not sure I can take it, if people showed me who they really were. Longing to be with God and draw close to Him, my sins condemn me and often leads me to hide from Him. O wretched soul I am.

I am weak but Thou art strong. Be my strength in my every weakness. I pray You will work something beautiful out of my brokenness.

I am the Lord's Servant

Last week I was approached by my pastor to lead the multimedia team in my church. I've been helping out a couple of times the last few months, but I really did not see this coming. I had no plans to get involved in leadership in church here except to be an active member. I have my commitments in Regent and also helping out at the International Alpha. I felt this was quite enough on top of working, studies and still trying to have a life. I told myself (and God) if I accepted this, I wanted to know it's because I wanted it (or it's His will) and not because I didn't know how to say 'No'.

Multimedia is a ministry that I have always enjoyed doing. I was involved in this ministry for main worship service in my church. This was the ministry that I was involved in when I first started serving. Those days we used OHP and I grew with the ministry as the technology advanced. I was coordinating operators for the morning service in church even as a youth (late teens to early 20s). The highest point of my time in this ministry was to oversee the multimedia operations for one of the evenings of a nationwide Christian gathering in Stadium Merdeka. This is a national football stadium with a capacity of 50,000. I don't think I ever told anyone this but in the words of the Eric Lidell, the Olympics runner featured in 'Chariots of Fire', I'd say 'I know I've been called to other things like perhaps pastoring, but when I do multimedia, I feel his pleasure'. It's as simple as that.

However when this opportunity was presented to me, I hesitated. In fact everything within me wanted to turn it down because I felt I didn't need the hassle of coordinating other operators and certainly don't need more on my already very full plate. In a sense I was also a little disappointed. For some weeks prior to the email I received from my pastor, I've been visiting other churches and haven't been attending my own church. There was a little uneasiness within me about church, finding the community a little cold and difficult to integrate into. The friends that used to join me to worship here have all left and gone home for good. So I figured it was a good time to reconsider if I really should stay. The reason I chose this church in the first place is because this was a place I met with God each time I went. I enjoy the worship and preaching. The pastors are a great bunch!

My hesitation is also personal as I was afraid of taking up leadership. It's not like I can't do leadership because I know I can, and even am naturally inclined to it. Yet I'm afraid. I didn't like the 'pedestal' that people put you on when you become a leader. You become a target for unwarranted and unsolicited criticism. People feel they have a right, even an obligation, to give you a piece of their mind about everything and anything about your life simply because you're a leader. I also felt that leaders are assumed to be spiritual and doing well spiritually, which is another false expectation I felt was impossible to live by. This is extremely hazardous for the soul because I know if I'm not careful, I can easily buy into this image of spirituality which really has no basis. I can be walking in sin and living a double life behind the title and 'robe' and still people want to think, and assume, I'm doing ok. It's not real. I'm tired of the charades or letting people down when I tell them I'm hopelessly sinful!

Then I went to church the following day, after my pastor's invitation to take up this responsiblity. God hit me with the message on leadership from Nehemiah! Baam! I couldn't have missed it. I felt challenged to make a difference by accepting this responsiblity, and leading with a different attitude and spirit. Then the pastor who was speaking made a comment at the end about how being a leader is like wearing a target board, and people like to use us for target practice! I knew God had spoken but I was still stubborn. The reluctance to accept more responsiblity is overwhelming and I could not overcome it. So I prayed and asked God to confirm what he wanted me to do. If he wanted me to accept it, then he had to change my heart about it.

The night before last Sunday service, I was praying hard because I knew I had to give a reply to my pastor soon. I struggled and admitted to God that I was afraid of making mistakes. I saw many of the mistakes I've made in the past and I did not want to stumble others or put his name to shame. I asked him to forgive me for the times when I've ministered, many times, out of my own strength. Sometimes he is so gentle and have been my silent partner, that I even imagined that I've been doing the work on my own. At times it felt like everything was so well planned, it did not really matter if God turned up for the service... things will run status quo, with or without him. Since I've been involved in this ministry previously, I was afraid that I would depend on my strength and experience, instead of him as I should. So I prayed that God will help me hear him clearly if He'd speak to me again to confirm this matter. I was half doubting I'd hear him, wondering if I'd make things up in my mind and assume it was God. I asked him to speak in such a way that my mind cannot pose any doubts that He has spoken. It's almost like I'm testing God.

The following Sunday, I went to church and during the worship, the Lord reminded me powerfully that he has forgiven me of all my sins and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. Then, lo and behold, the pastor was speaking about how each of us should take up our position and do our part in the kingdom of God - still part of the Nehemiah series. A much needed reminder. The pastor then issued a challenge for us to respond to God and be open for him to use us as he wants to. I stepped forward for prayer and the senior pastor prayed for me. One thing I was grateful for was he reminded me that when I accept God's invitation to serve, it is a partnership with God. He calls me to participate with him in the work that HE is already doing. He does not want me to run ahead of him in my own strength, as I know I'm always tempted to do because I'm basically a very driven person, but to keep step with him. Then my senior pastor very gently but firmly assured me that if I were to accept any responsiblity in this church, I can always tell them if I need to take a break or I'm reaching the limit in terms of the load I'm able to handle.

It was very encouraging for me to see how God come to me at my level to meet me in such a gentle and loving way. He could easily have rebuked me since I should know better and simply issued a command because He is sovereign. He is perfectly entitled to do so but he chose to reveal his will in this humble manner. Condescending to my requests for confirmation, he even made sure I heard him loud and clear. He softened my heart with his compassion and again I'm reminded that it is his goodness that leads us to repentance (Rom 2:4). I am grateful he knows my fears and understands that in the depth of my heart I do want to serve him but want to do so out of a pure heart and in response to his call. For someone who has no qualms of taking on new challenges and responsiblities, this is quite a change. Since this is a ministry is one I've been involved previously, my usual self would not consider this ministry much of a challenge, and would have taken it up in no time. But it would have been based on my own strength, experience and simply the fact that I know this is a ministry I enjoy doing and that he delights in the worship I offer in the form of this service. Yet the unwillingness to simply assume responsiblity and even to feel the need to depend on God, is a new development for me. I see this as a positive development and a sign of God's hand at work in my life.

Finally, later that Sunday, my pastor who is in charge of multimedia, encouraged me with an amazing piece of news. The LCD projector that we've been using have been giving a lot of trouble and it costs as much to repair as it would to replace it. The church leadership have twice appealed to the members to pray and consider giving towards this need. After yesterday's sermon, a young man felt convicted and told the pastor he would bear the whole cost of replacing the projector! He is just a teenage student and his heart is simply passionate for God which can be seen in his willingness to give sacrificially. I know God will honour him and bless him much in return. But this has really challenged me to consider if I'm willing to serve sacrificially to build up the house of God.