Peter or Judas?

When my parents were here last week, my mum commented that I seem a lot happier. I guess it's hard to hide the fact that I love being here at Regent and what I'm doing, although I have faced some challenges and go through some stressful times. When asked if I love this more than pastoring ... I think that was a tough question. Tough because it's not fair and right to compare because there's really no basis for comparison. I love my time in YA and would not trade it for anything else, that is, I'd still do it, even if I was asked to choose again. There were pain and untold sorrows. The struggles that I had gone through were partly my fault and saw it as a time of change, growth and being stretched. Looking back I could see it was His grace that carried me through it all ... I know that was where He wanted me to be at that time and His faithfulness is the only thing I can boast about.

God has also graciously provided me with friends who've helped see me through this period. These friendships are priceless and precious gifts and they mean a lot to me. I won't be where I am if not for my friends. Some young, others much older and many from my peers, in all form, size and shape. They saw me and knew me... knew just how stuffy, serious and boring I can be, then with just as much grace, accept the super goofy side of me. Wild and crazy pastor ... wilder and crazier than many, if not most, of my members. I will always remember the time my CG took me out for a surprise birthday dinner. They told me they'd celebrate my birthday but did not tell me where they were taking me. We ended up driving, 3 car loads, up to Genting Highlands for dinner! I asked them what made them pull a crazy stunt like that? And their only answer was that otherwise it would not be befitting of an extreme pastor like me! I'll say that's an extreme demonstration of love!

My leaders saw in me something that I often missed in myself ... my potential in Christ! They loved me and all the bizzare range of personalities that I kept trying on did not deter them, and I think I tried quite a few. They believed in me, helped me find myself and taught me to believe in myself. They refused me to allow me equate my mistakes with failure and reminded me that it's as natural as a baby learning how to walk, insisiting that I get up and keep going. They refused to give up on me and won't let me me even think of giving up on myself. With leaders like that, it made me want to try and try again, to do something and make them proud. Do you know what it is like to have someone who inspire you like that? It gave me a glimpse of how God sees me. Often I have a very warped picture of God and He uses men and women to reveal a bit of His nature and help correct my skewed ideas. So I thank God for such godly men and women that God place in my life.

Looking back, I wince at the mistakes I've made, with deep regret... I told a friend recently that it's pretty amazing how I've managed to mess up every single opportunity God has given me, to prove myself to Him or do something for Him. It's undeniable. I used to sing a line from Frank Sinatra's song "My Way" - regrets I have a few but then again too few to mention (yes, I know this is telling of my age). This used to be my motto but as the years go by, I no longer sing it so boldly. I can't help but see my sin-tainted hand on everything I touch and wonder why God would want to involve me in his extensive and holy work. You know what? As I look back in church history, I find this same strand throughout the ages. Saints, who are also sinners, have been used by God throughout history to advance His kingdom. It's easy for us to look at them and romanticise or think that perhaps they were different or that they lived in a different generation from ours. But they're human just like us ... they got some things right but missed some other areas. Neverthless the purposes and plans of God will not be thwarted by anyone, not even if we tried ...very hard!!! How much more for us who are sincerely trying to follow God and serve Him the best we can?

Sure, for me it still feels like I've really messed things up, but my, main and only, hope, consolation and assurance, is that God is bigger than all our mistakes!! Nothing is so big an issue He cannot overcome and make turn it around for something good. I can choose to be Judas and give up, stop God from writing the rest of my story or I can choose to be Peter ... come back to him with heart-broken repentance and wonder if he'll give me another chance. Sometimes it seems like I've chosen to be Judas, trying to hide from any responsiblities and not wanting to risk another failure. But then God springs a surprise on me, turns up and gently but firmly, offers me another opportunity! He even knows what kind of offer to make me ... a baby step to help me get back on my feet and not asking of me to do what I think is way beyond me. Further he provided me a leader who is not easily deterred and very persistent, even though I feel he doesn't know me very well. He simply refused to take 'No' for an answer despite all my protests and declinations!

So what can I say? Yes, but help me Lord. I can't but You can... keep me from making a mess and fouling up this great opportunity. However even if, and when, I do mess up, please turn them around for something good and not let it thwart your plans. He'll see to that ... and if I really believe what I've written in the paper I'm working on, then His plans have already taken into account all my mistakes. Boy, what a huge relief!! The Lord brought to my mind a recent picture of my friend who was carrying a brand new tank of gas for the BBQ pit. Then his little boy (the bright blond hair little one) came alongside and the dad asked the boy if he'd give him a hand. Then he told the little guy to put his tiny hand and carried it as hard as he could! You know what? It really didn't matter what the little boy was doing cause the dad was doing the carrying and will see to it that the tank gets to the pit anyways. But from the child's perspective, he felt really important that he was giving dad a hand and pleased that his dad had asked for his help. The dad on the other hand also got a kick out of seeing his son's desire to participate in what he was doing!

Were you encouraged a little by this blog? I was just preaching to myself and I do that sometimes... feel uplifted just hearing the word of God being preached back at myself!