What really matters

This summer has been a exceedingly hectic summer - moving out, working, working as a TA, coordinating Summer School's Prayer Retreat, working as Orientation TA for the new intake of students, moving back in, finished 2 courses, then spending time with my parents' visit the last 11 days. On top of that, attending chapels, evening lectures, still try to enjoy the summer, spend time with catching up with friends and saying good-bye to those who left. I don't even know how I managed all that except for his grace ... nothing short of sheer grace.

Just as He has seen me through the last year and this Summer term, I know He will see me through this year. I have some catching up to do since I have not been keeping up with my coursework this past week my parents were here and term started this week. I am taking a course on Conversion and Transformation, another on Classics of Christian Spirituality and a seminar on Prayer. I will also be finishing my audio Systematic Theology C course which I started in the summer but haven't been able to get very far because of my hectic schedule. I am looking forward to all my classes. Conversion and discipleship is something that has always weigh heavily in my heart. I have lots of questions about what it means to be saved, the process of being a convert and disciple, how does transformation takes place in the life of a disciple, etc. I am glad to be taking the seminar on Prayer, and have been asking God to teach me to pray and have a consistent prayer life. I know that's one area I really need to work on and hope to approach this course (and all my other courses!) prayerfully. I need to submit my research topic this week so have to start cracking my head on it. The Classics of Christian Spirituality will lead me to read works from saints from across a wide span from different ages in Church history. Some of these I've read before and others are works I've been wanting to read ... so I'm really looking forward to reading these great classics. I thank God for courses that makes you read books you've been meaning to read anwyays - but still it's not joke to read about 6-7 works for one course with a reading report due every week! Thus I'm taking a few more credits than I've taken in previous terms, so it's gonna be a very challenging semester.

On the not so bright side - the weather has just turned a whole 10C colder and it rained the whole day! Fall is officially here. I'm glad God has given us really good weather the past few days my parents were here. We were still wearing only our t-shirts 2-3 days ago but they literally felt the days colder by the day since they came. It's really fun to experience the change of season and Fall happen to be my mum's favourite.

Besides the weather, I received some pretty hard news this week. It came as a very huge blow to me and took the wind out of me, partly because I did not see it coming. My confidence was completely crushed and felt as if I've seemed to successfully messed every opportunity God has given me to serve Him. I am so scared of attempting to do anything more for God because I know my sin-tainted hands are bound to mess them up. I even told my pastor that I have major doubts about taking up the responsiblity of coordinating the multimedia operators, despite my previous blog (which he told me he had read!). I am grateful to God for providing me friends to help me process through some of these stuff and to put things in perspective; friends, both far and near, who've listened and stood with me. I appreciate very much all their words of encouragement during this crucial period. I apologise for keeping things vague but the details are quite immaterial. It is also for the sake of protecting the identity of parties involved because I've been surprised by who actually reads this blog - the fact that anyone out there even reads this blog serves to amaze me. I thank God for keeping me intact and helping me learn from this humbling experience.

Like I said earlier, God has seen me through so far, I am trusting Him to see me the rest of the way. Some prayer items I'd appreciate if you could breathe a prayer to God are:
1. Course workload - grace, discipline, wisdom and strength to see me through this semester's demanding courses.
2. Work - I'm in the midst of looking for another job, something that's less demanding in view of the heavy course workload that I have. Whether I work less hours or if I don't work, I'm trusting God knows best and will provide for me.
3. Ministry - I will continue to serve with the Alpha for International students. Praying to God to bring in more helpers for this outreach to mostly tertiary students from China. Needs lots of grace for the new responsiblities as multimedia coordinator in Church.

As I told my dear friend, no matter how we do in our studies or even in ministry - that God loves us just the same. I used to tell my friends, in a jesting manner, when I feel overwhelmed by the pressure of my studies ... that I feel like jumping off a building! One of them would always gently remind me each time that my life is worth more than 3 credits (the number of credits for each course generally)! It's just her simple way of assuring me what really matters and reminding me that even if I were to fail the course, it's not worth dying for!! Thus my encouragement to my friend is something I need to hear for myself as well - that is, even if I were to fail all my courses, not have a job, completely fail in ministry - these are not the basis of my salvation. Neither are they the basis that God chose to love me.

One last thought for the day... during my parents' trip here I was reminded me of what it's like to have a Havenly Father who is constantly looking out for us. I did most of the driving, for some very good reasons: I've not driven for months; my father's not used to right hand drive; I was more familiar with the local roads (although I don't drive here). On several occassions he has 'rebuked' other drivers for not letting me pass or using their horn, with comments like "Who's bullying my daughter?". This is not said in a very angry kind of tone but said more for my sake since the other drivers can't hear him. He's super protective and cannot stand to see anybody bullying his children. It's not like he is terribly patient with me or does not comment if I make a mistake ... but his 'harshness' with me is out of love. However he will not stand for anyone taking advantage of his children or harrassing us. He will not hesitate to stand up for us if he perceives that we're being mistreated and if need to, show others how tough he is capable of. This sort of 'harshness' is also motivated by love but it is not something you want to mess with. That's the way our Heavenly Father is and especially towards the fatherless. He constantly provides for us, looks out for us and will not hesitate to stand up for us if anyone tries to mess with His precious children. May we have a deeper appreciation of the Father's love for us daily; may we live in and out of a deep sense of security in His love; and may all our service spring out of an overflow of His love.