XX Hugs XX

Someone commented to my friend, 'Is she really your Pastor?' (referring to me) . No big deal I guess, since it's hardly the first time for me to hear these sort of comments. Another has told me, 'Pastor can blog too?' The best one so far is when a fairly new member asked me, 'Cheryl, why do they (as in the other members) keep calling you Ps Cheryl?!! Only earlier today, I confessed to a fellow-pastor of mine that it took me many years before I accepted myself as one. Why? I asked myself. It's natural for us to attach a certain image to certain professions. But I wonder if we sometimes place our leaders on a pedestal and make them out to be super-humans. Many of these expectations are downright unrealistic. While some are not unreasonable on its own but if you were to add them up together, I imagine even Jesus would find the job description a tall order to fulfill. Still we try our best to live up to them, sometimes doing such a good job that I am tempted, myself, to believe I'm superhuman! Which isn't that bad an idea if I had cool suits like The Incredibles (a Pixar-Disney animation movie, for the uninitiated).

It is hard for us to remember that our leaders are made up of flesh and blood; human with real needs, fears and if I be so bold to suggest, weaknesses. To enforce the fact that I'm truly flesh and blood, I'm also a rather tactile person, that is I tend to use my sense of touch to perceive the world around me. Some are visual, auditorial and others are stimulated through their sense of smell (olfactorial). Naturally then physical touch is one of my language of love. Hugs do wonders for me. It's just too bad that hugging is not a common feature in the Malaysian culture. Yesterday I received a card of encouragement from a member. A simple note of appreciation and a small gift. Well, it felt like I was receiving a BIG hug from her through her card!

Both for the sake of others and my own sake, I consciously make every effort to get off the pedestal. Then none can justfy by giving themselves the excuse to say, 'You can do it because you are a pastor but I am not (therefore I should be exempted)'.

Finding God

People go to all extent to find God and some even go to great extents like taking a year off to walk barefoot in India, following after their 'guru's. It makes you wonder if God is playing hide-and-seek with us. Is He playing hard-to-get or does He simply enjoys making things difficult for us? I don't think so. The Bible tells us that God is seeking us out and more often than not, we're the ones hiding from Him.

Like Adam, we realise our nakedness and have a tendency to hide from Him in our shame. I believe it is not so much about how far we go to seek God out but more about looking hard enough to realise that He what is already doing in our lives. He is present, indeed omnipresent. Yes, He is present in church, at prayer meetings, healing rallies and other 'spiritual' activities. However the fact that He is omnipresent means He is also present when I'm driving (?), eating, sleeping, working(!), watching a movie and when I'm in the toilet, in the mall, at the clinic, at the market or even on the dentist's chair! Do I notice Him at work around me when I'm with my family, or when I'm doing some mundane chores, waiting at a queue, caught in a traffic jam (some of my more impatient moments)? Instead of looking for God everywhere else or chasing after some phenomenon I tend to associate with God's presence, I'll be better off if I would only be still and pay attention to what He's already doing around me. In that way, every activity becomes a spiritual activity, that is an activity with spiritual significance. This will give my life integrity and not put my life into spiritual and non-spiritual compartments.

One of my aims this year is to continually look out for God-activities around me and I believe as Heb 11:6 says, He will reward those who earnestly seek Him.

Only Yesterday

Only yesterday when I was sad and I was lonely
You showed me the way to leave
The past and all its tears behind me
Tomorrow may be even brighter than today
Since I threw my sadness away
Only Yesterday

"Only Yesterday", Carpenters
This song has been playing in my head this whole week since I heard it on the radio on Monday.

As I looked back on 2004, there are many highlights and generally the year was a good one. However since I'm in a pretty melancholic mood today, I'm kind of looking at the not so good parts too. God spoke to me recently and revealed to me the danger of spiritual neglect and apathy. I know I've allowed the busyness of the last month to rob me of my time with the Lord, resulting in spiritual apathy. It's very subtle and my spirit suffers the consequences of it. It's time to take stock, to keep vigil watch over this area of my life and rebuild the altar. Other areas that I felt I could have done better is inter-personal relationships and managing my finances.

I'm on the roll here since it's been a while that I felt this low emotionally. Didn't help that I woke up to the news of Liverpool being knocked out of FA... just after having lost to ManU over the weekend! Boy am I glad I was on the flight back from Beijing and had to miss the game. Besides that the day started alright. Felt the stirring of the Lord during worship at the lunch-time prayer meet. It is amazing to experience His grace - to know that He, the Almighty, Omnipresent God, whose presence no temple can contain - chooses to abide in a broken vessel like me. Why does a perfectly pure and holy God want to have anything to do with a person who is marred and tainted by sin and even want to considers me His spiritual temple?! The thought is too great for me to grasp.

Had a little tiff at home in the evening that totally spoilt my mood. Things kind of slided downwards from that point. I realised that I'm very vulnerable and sensitive when I'm in one of these moods. Things that do not usually bother me can really affect me. It's tough because others probably won't pick up your cues or treat you any differently. They won't understand why my reaction to their usual taunts and jabbing seem so severe. Paying attention to how these moods affect me has helped me cope better with the emotions and not allow it to overtake me like a tsunami. I feel I'm more in control and managed to keep tab of the feelings of sadness this time. I am able to stop things from being blown out of proportion. That's why I firmly believe that self-awareness is the key towards growth and becoming a better person.