God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

Life is about changes and learning to enjoy the adventure of journeying in life with Him. I can't see what's ahead and have no way of controlling how things will go. I can only trust Him, that He makes all things beautiful in its time.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Thoughts about sexuality and marriage

Sometimes I feel God sneaks up on us, pull a fast one and have a good laugh. Not in a mean way, but in a fun kind of way. I went to the Midnight Madness Booksale, that takes place at the end of each term, telling myself I'll be disciplined. I surprised myself when I bought 1 book and 1 pretty expensive journal (literally very pretty too). I came back and started reading the book, which is past midnight now... and finished more than 80% of it by this morning (I did sleep in between). Those who know me well will know that this is rare as I'm fond of collecting books and still have not read half of my collection. The reason I felt God sneaked up on me was because earlier this week, I had asked him a few questions. One of it was, 'Lord, if you hate divorce but permitted it because of the hardness of man's heart, would you also permit remarriage?'. One more question along this line was the idea of polygamy in the Old Testament, which was an acceptable practice in those days especially for the sake of begetting a child. Also Solomon came through Bathsheba, incorporating both mother and son in the lineage that Jesus would come from - was her union with David blessed in the eyes of God? Albeit she was a widow and a victim when she married David, yet would the priest in those days (if they had to give their blessings for the marriage) able to bless the union before God, knowing full well the circumstances of this union? It may seem kinda silly to ask such questions, but I did ask them (even wrote them down in my journal) and I guess God heard it! While I am thrilled for the answer, it still blows me away when God actually answers, even what seemed like silly questions.

In light of today being World AIDS Day, I believe it's appropriate that I read and recommend this book, 'Sexual Ethics: an Evangelical Perspective' by Stanley Grenz (he has another book by a similar title, 'Sexual Ethics: a Biblical Perspective'). It's as if this is the book that I've been waiting for, and reading it has addressed so many of the questions I've had about sexuality, marriage, etc. My interest in this topic started many years back when I first joined the pastorate. I used to ask my older, married colleagues, if they believed that marriage was a good thing and whether it was good for everyone (i.e. would they recommend it for everyone), and why. Many were stumped by the questions, and while most would answer a vehement Yes, to the first question, the answers to the last and third question were mostly weak. Of course I wasn't asking them to write an essay on the subject, and they may never have been confronted with such questions. My motivation was both personal as well as pastoral. At that time, I wanted to know what was God's plan for human sexuality and marriage. As a single woman, I felt that many of the traditional, social, economical reasons that often prompted a woman to get married are no longer applicable, or less relevant today. Women do not get the better end of the bargain in marriage compared to the man, and sometimes I would jokingly mention that I wouldn't mind getting a wife myself. As an aside, I've seen wives of my male friends who work and support while their husband study; cook, wash, iron and take care of the house chores; clean, feed and care for the kids; do banking, shopping and run errands; remind them of important birthdays, keep track of their appointments, even send emails and update their facebook for them!

While there is much affirmation of the single person in the world and workplace, they somehow do not find the same affirmation in church. In a family-oriented church, the message seems to be that the purpose of singlehood is simply to prepare for marriage. The church does not always do a good job ministering to the needs of single adults. This is most apparent in home groups, where majority of the people are married and many have children, if not, grown children. In contrast, my church in Vancouver gives out flowers to every lady in the congregation on Mother's Day! If marriage is the divine will for all, then where does the single person fit it in that divine design? In a sex-charged environment like ours, many battle trying to maintain sexual purity and young people are always told to wait until they are married. While this is right, I doubt that this provides the best or highest reason for getting married. Marriage is much more about sex and married people know they have to deal with issues of their sexuality as well. This range from having a satisfying sex life, not being able to have sex for a variety of reasons, or changes in the expression of sexuality as the couple age. Even the use of language reveal a change of attitude: instead of making love we speak of having sex, betraying a consumerist mindset. Other questions include can you be whole if you do not get married? Can single people have wholesome relationship with members of the opposite sex, whether single or married? One thing that Grenz emphasized is that sexuality is so much more than just genital sex or sexual intercourse. I am reminded of a lecture presented passionately by Cherith Fee-Nordling, reminding us that as embodied being, we are sexual beings. While there may not be sex and marriage in eternity, we will still relate with each other as male and female. I believe she made her case and it has made me wonder what would that look like.

In the first few years of my career as a lawyer, I was brought face-to-face with the hard reality of divorce and the breakdown of marriage. At that time in my life, I have attended more divorce proceedings than weddings, added together. I saw a couple who spent a year preparing for their wedding and spent less time in that marriage, before they petitioned for a divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also saw that Christians were not exempted from this reality. Can marriage still be assumed to be right, safe, wise thing to do? for everyone? Even then, ministering to people who are considering divorce brought up a lot of questions for me. How can the church minister to those who are going through this difficult process? These questions grew in my role as a pastor, as we discussed about issues of remarriage, whether we should publicly give our blessings to such union, that is, whether there is any difference between conducting a marriage ceremony and, leading the couple to make a vow before God and offering our blessing. If we do not, are we saying that these unions are not honoured and blessed by God? Would they nevertheless be man and wife in the eyes of God, as well as the law. We had certain policies and practices, but I did not always understand or agree with all of them. I had my own questions about whether we were consistent in our practices or did we have separate set of rules to apply to such situations, and if they were justified. As a single person, I wasn't sure if there was a place for me to offer my thoughts on these matters. But as a pastor for young adults, I knew I had to think through these questions because what we teach our young adults about marriage should be consistent with the counsel we offer when faced with the breakdown of marriage. Later I had questions about whether those who have divorced or remarried can be in positions of leadership in the church, or ordained as a minister. Again, I was looking for a theological basis for thinking through these issues, and even if we do decide to appoint these men (and women), what would be the considerations and guidelines.

Finally, I was always compassionate to the AIDS cause, and saw how Christians have been taught to moralise this disease. This is regretful but I guess it did not help that when I attended AIDS related conferences, the organisers were handing out free condoms, promoting safe sex and encouraging hospitals to offer free, unused IV needles (seen to be encouraging drug abuse). I understand their reasons for doing so, but it added the prejudice that the church had towards this disease, a prejudice which was also held by many in society, equating the disease with immorality, i.e. associated with homosexuals, sex workers and IV drug users. Like global warming and environmental issues, this is a cause that requires all of us to play our part in stopping it. And yes, underlying all these is our fallen and sinful nature which the church needs to address. But through this, it led me to think about ministering to those who are sexually broken, be it homosexuality or sexual addiction, especially in light of various incidents of renown ministers of God falling in this area. What is the Good News that we present to those struggling with these issues? Calling them names and telling them that what they do is an abomination to God, is hardly the best place to start. In the past, the Church unfortunately is seen to have done very little beyond that. While things are slowly changing, conservative evangelicals are sometimes still viewed in this manner today.

The issue of homosexuality is one that I have given further thought to, looking at the implications of it, if it is indeed a 'natural' orientation as some argue. I knew that our theology (i.e. what we really believe, whether or not we articulate it, or articulate it well) will form and determine our policies and actions. The Church cannot effectively reach out and offer love and acceptance to those struggling with homosexuality unless we truly believe that God loves them. How can we demonstrate such love and yet be consistent in our proclamation that homosexual practices are sinful? Should we and how can we embrace such couples into the family of God? Back home, homosexuality is not endorsed in general and people are not as open about such relationships. However I don't believe that means the church can ignore or avoid this issue. Being in Vancouver the last 2 years, these are very real issues for the churches here as same sex unions are given legal recognition. That means long term, monogamous relationship with the commitment of marital vow is a real possibility. The churches are painfully split on this issue as they decide if they should give their blessings to such unions. Sending them to the next church that would give their blessings is hardly a solution!

I've mentioned about policies and practices a few times, my concern for this is because I believe every church has to decide on these matters and thus should do it consistently with teaching of Scriptures and spirit of Christ. I do not care for a legalistic approach which applies the rule without regards for the individual and the unique circumstances of each case. Loving the person without addressing the sin is not loving in truth, but truth without love is deadly. While the church decides on the stand it will take on a particular matter taking into account the reality of our times, our primary concern should be for the person/s whom we are dealing with. It is important that the stand we take should be well thought through, it is just as important, if not more, that we should give consideration on how we implement these stands and offer to lovingly uphold those who are struggling in these areas. I have read books talking about sex and dating books, calling for abstinence in preparation for marriage. other books on marriage and sexuality, which tend to be restricted to upholding the value of sex within the bonds of marriage and address issues like infidelity. There are a few that has truly uphold the biblical model and provide both sound theological basis and practical reasons for marriage.

The books I've read on divorce and remarriage tends to establish grounds for when divorce is justified and whether remarriage is possible for Christians with considerations of the practical difficulties of these relationships in the new marriage. Books on singlehood tend to uphold Jesus and Paul as model of singles, and exhort singleness for more effective service in Christian ministry. The books written on homosexuality often promote certain agendas which colour the way the Bible is read and interpreted. Grenz deals with all these issues that I've raised above and more. It's a really neat book that address the whole realm of human sexuality, including ethics of contraceptions and abortion, as well as techniques to assist procreation. He sets out the theological and ethical consideration based upon Scripture and provides thoughtful application of these biblical principles for the church in dealing with these issues today. He also lays out the arguments that have been raised for the different positions. You may not agree with all his stands but if you don't, you should be prepared to give a well thought-through, theologically-sound reason for it. I find myself resonating with his perspective on many of these issues, providing a good platform for thinking through and conversing about these matters. In doing so, we need to always bear in mind the bigger picture of what the Bible teaches about human sexuality as a whole. This book is definitely one the best investments I've made!

P/s: Most of my posts on this blog are directly exported to my Facebook account. Those who are already connected on Facebook can access it there. I will continue to post my blogs here if I think they are too personal, and for general access for those who do not subscribe to Facebook.

pp/s: You probably already notice that this is not a book review, but simply sharing of my thoughts some matters that matters to me. A number of writers have written on human sexuality and gender. Last summer Regent offered at least 2 summer courses on this topic and the summer before, a course dealing with addictions which included sexual addiction. I know of at least 2 courses being offered on this topic this summer, including one by Cherith Fee-Nordling entitled 'Holy and Wholly Embodied: The Incarnation and Why It Matters Every Day'. You can probably see that this subject is indeed gaining popularity, or perhaps you can say, it's finally coming out of the closet.
2 excellent lectures which I've heard that has really inspired me, is firstly by Cherith, 'To Be or Not To Be: Bodily Resurrection or Immortality of the Soul' (Summer 2005, Public Evening Lecture) and secondly Sarah Williams during Christian Thought and Culture class (Winter 2006) - the audio recording for this lecture is now available: A Sexual Reformation? Marriage and Sexuality in the Contemporary Paradigm

Friday, October 19, 2007

Not be discouraged

In the beginning he spent the hours appointed for private prayer in thinking of God, so as to convince his mind and impress deeply upon his heart the Divine Existence. He did this by devout sentiments and submission to the lights of faith, rather than by studied reasonings and elaborate meditations. By this short and sure method he immersed himself in the knowledge and love of God. He resolved to use his utmost endeavor to live in a continual sense of His presence, and, if possible, never to forget Him more.

When he had thus, in prayer, filled his mind with that Infinite Being, he went to his work in the kitchen where he was then cook for the community. There, having first considered the things his job required, and when and how each thing was to be done; he spent all the intervals of his time, both before and after his work, in prayer.

When he began, he said to God with a filial trust, "O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections." As he proceeded in his work, he continued his familiar conversation with his Maker, imploring His grace, and offering Him all his actions.

When he was finished, he examined how he had performed his duty. If he found well, he returned thanks to God. If not, he asked pardon and, without being discouraged, he set his mind right again. He then continued his exercise of the presence of God as if he had never deviated from it. "Thus," said he, "by rising after my falls, and by frequently renewed acts of faith and love, I have come to a state where it would be as difficult for me not to think of God as it was at first to accustom myself to the habit of thinking of Him." (emphasis mine).


Brother Lawrence
Practicing the Presence of God

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Honest Worship

I've been thinking about how we worship, in light with the book 'Faking Church' that I've been reading. This book has given me lots of food for thought. One thing I noticed is that our worship songs are filled with 'feeling' words. I don't know about you but sometimes I find it hard to sing those songs, when I don't feel that way. I don't want to offer God praises with my lips when my heart seems so far from what I'm singing. Yes, there is a place where we have to proclaim by faith and sing what is true according to God's Word even when we don't 'feel' it is true. There is also a place of offering a sacrifice of praise, where we praise God for who He is and what He has done and those truths are objectively true even though it may not be how I perceive the reality of my present experience.

What I'm referring to is the state of our emotions and whether they are consistent with what we are singing, especially when many of the songs have words that describe our passion for Him. The ancient meaning for that word is suffering. The early church fathers were skeptical of passions, because it means to be responsive to an external influence. And for them, spirituality is about training ourselves not to be reactive and dependent on external factors, but that we be disciplined in our walk, not susceptible to external influences. Today, passion is often seen as an intense emotion. Can we really maintain that sort of passion about Christ and God all the time? Can we honestly sing these songs when we don't feel the passion? Perhaps we can, because someone once said, Passion is doing what you ought to do even when you don't feel like it. However I must say that I feel like a phoney singing "Yes, I'm so in love with You" when I don't feel the least bit in love with God.

Is our relationship with God dependent on our feelings? No and it shouldn't be but you can't deny that it plays a big part. I guess we can look at couples who are in love and also those who have been married for many years. Couples who are in love often feel very strong and intense emotions but we know that such highly charged emotions are not the basis for building a strong and lasting relationship, because what happens to the relationship when you no longer feel the passion for each other? However these emotions are very real and can make us believe that this must be the real thing. Yet we know that we cannot always trust our emotions at these points but need to give ourselves time for it to cool off, especially if we are making a life-changing decision based on them. The state of mind of someone who is infatuated is said to be no different than a person who is insane (temporary insanity), and are thus not in their right mind and it is usually unwise to make any major decisions in this state of mind. A long term marriage on the other hand can be full of passion, but it may feel very different even though the intensity and degree may not be any less that those of newly wed, or if not, more.

Some have suggested 'tweaking' some of the lyrics of the songs we sing. One speaker, Benny Ong, used to sing 'I surrender MORE', rather than 'I surrender ALL!'. So, perhaps one could sing, 'Jesus I want to be so in love with You' (Let my words be few), or add words like, 'Help me be ...', 'Teach me to...', etc. At the end of the day, I believe God sees our heart and know we want to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

How have you been tempted or tried?

I am currently leading a bible study among some of those who come for the Alpha group meetings, with a study on the book of James. The first thing that hits you in that book is 'Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance'. Well, James is a pretty direct kind of guy and does not bit around the bush. So when I came across the passage below in the Sayings of the Desert Fathers, I paused to consider what trials have the Lord brought my way and if I recognised them?

When the devil does not use the goads of poverty to tempt, he uses wealth for the purpose. When he cannot win by scorn and mockery, he tries praise and flattery. If he cannot win by providing health, he tries illness; if he cannot win by comfort, he tries to ruin the soul by vexations which lead a person to act against their vows (as a Christian) ... he does all these to shake the love we feel toward God.

We tend to equate suffering, bad stuff, unpleasant experiences as trials and are quick to say that these are from the devil ... this passage reminds me that I am not to quickly assume that wealth, good health and praises and flattery (or compliments and acknowledgments) are without their dangers. I'm not saying that these 'blessings' are not from God, however I am cautioned that the devil tries to use the things God intends for good, and turn it around to harm us. On the other hand, God is more than able to turn around what the enemy intends for our harm, and use it to make something good out of it. One of my prof (Chris Hall) said something that has stuck in my head, that is we should learn to distinguish the things that harm us and those that hurt us. While some experiences may hurt, they cannot necessarily harm us. Thus not all pain is bad. Sometimes pain is good - it informs us something is amiss and helps us to remove ourselves from potentially greater danger. A good book on this topic is 'The Gift of Pain' by Paul Brand Phillip Yancey. For a generation that has adopted 'happiness' and comfort as the ultimate goal of life and seek to avoid pain at all cost, this may sound jarring to our ears.

Pray anyway

Perhaps you can identify with the lyrics of this song. Pray anyway and keep praying.

You can spend your whole life building

Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Album: Wake Up Laughing (2007)
Lyrics: Martina McBride, Brad and Brett Warren

Listen to it here.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Raw Fellowship

Recently I received a gift from a friend. It's a book entitled Faking Church. Yes, interesting title - don't ask me why he picked this book for me. It's a book that I believed God hand-picked for me for this season. I don't often receive books as gifts simply because my friends find it hard to buy me books, considering the number of books I already have ... too many that I lose track of them myself. There's one particular chapter that have kinda hit home for me and given me lots of food for thought. The topic is on friendship vs. fellowship in church. Prior to this, some have heard me talked about spiritual friendship. Aptly, someone has asked me if there was any difference between spiritual friendship and fellowship. The answer that I could think of was spiritual friendship, for me at least, is focused on the mutuality and intentionality of the relationship, where we intentionally 'mentor' (to use a marketplace terminology) each other towards spiritual growth. Fellowship is not necessarily as intentional and although intended to spur each other's spiritual growth, it is not quite as focused if you think of fellowship as being with the church at large.

The author points out that fellowship is different (although overlap in many ways) with friendship in that it is not based on shared interest or common background, but our common commitment to Christ. Fellowship is based on the fact that we're family, and it is not optional. We may not like each other very much in the natural sense and some of the deepest fellowships can be shared with people we're unlikely to have picked as our friends. Sure there will be some, if not many, in our fellowship that we also find easy to be friends with, but the point is we should be limited by those factors. We commit ourselves to our family members not because we necessarily like them or even are like them (though we may be more like them than we sometimes like to admit), but because we share a common identity. Fellowship is more than hanging out together socially, working together on a project or simply doing stuff together.

Thus I'm challenged to re-think fellowship and what it entails. Fellowship is intended for us to spur each other to grow spiritually. We may develop a deep friendship from the fellowship we share with each other, and this fellowship will continue through eternity. Hey, that's longer than how long a marriage will last, and marriage is as close as you get to another human being, in terms of being family and friend! We are called to be in fellowship … it's easy to do cyber friendship and virtual fellowship, but until we get to heaven, the local church is the real deal. Real people, real problems, real time fellowship. I imagine coming into a new church, is like being the new bride and meeting your in-laws. You probably won't like all of them instantly, some are warm and some treat you less than an outsider (they treat 'visitors' better than you). It takes a while to get used to their lingo, inside jokes, etc and we need to invest time in these relationships. But even if you feel like you don't belong, you do. You're part of the family and so are they. And these family relationships might even outlast our own natural family ties. That's one scary thought to ponder on…

Monday, July 16, 2007

Those who have ears

Take time to listen to the Word of God. In our culture of constant bombardment of visual images and noise, added to our practice of silent reading (which is a result of Enlightenment and foreign in antiquity) we are not very good at listening. In some of our churches we may not practise reading of Scriptures (whether silent or aloud) regularly. This is the main tenet of my proposed thesis and has been confirmed by the lecturers. Gordon Fee and Christopher Hall, in the classes I've been attending these few weeks. They strongly emphasize listening the Word - Chris calls it reading with the ears of our hearts.

For those who are interested here are 2 products you may want to consider.
1. TNIV Bible Experience - The New Testament has been released and named Audiobook of the Year, the most prestigious award for excellence in audiobooks, by the Audio Publishers Association (APA). Narrators include some top Hollywood personalities like Angela Bassett (Narrator), Cuba, Jr. Gooding (Narrator), Samuel L. Jackson (Narrator), T. D. Jakes (Narrator), Blair Underwood (Narrator).
See the video of the making at Zondervan site. The Complete Bible is scheduled to be released on 7th September.
Of course, listener should be mindful of their emphasis and pauses, which can affect our understanding of a particular passage.

2. NIV read by Max Maclean
This is read at a good pace with appropriate emphasis. You can listen the whole Bible online (free): NIV Audio. You can purchase it in MP3 or other audio format, or you can choose to download it. I have found his emphasis and dramatising easy to follow.


Finally BibleGateway offers free audio Bibles online (Max Maclean reads the NIV version). You can also get the other versions as well as Bible in other languages, as well as different Chinese dialect - this is especially helpful for those who are illiterate.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Fascination with dates

Yes, I have a thing about noting certain dates, like today's: 07.07.07! The best part is, this works no matter where you come from and what order you write your dates. Of course this only refers to the Roman calendar and does not apply to lunar or Muslim calendar.

p/s: Have you noticed how lawyers have a tendency to qualify and defend what they say even as they are saying it? I hope that does not irritate you. Can't help it.

Friday, June 29, 2007

In Loving Memory of Dr Koh Eng Kiat

Receiving news of Dr Koh's demise brought deep sadness in my heart. I know my church and his family, as well as many around the world who knows him, will mourn his loss. He is humble man that I respect and dearly love. I first got to know him in early 90s when my family shared an apartment with his wife during a church camp. Ever since that time, he learned the name of every family member and make mention of the rest whenever he saw one of us. I am grateful for the privilege to have served in FGA under his leadership. After my meeting with him before I left, I did wonder if it would be the last time I would see him. When he was taken very ill recently, I did pray that the Lord will let me see him one more time. Now I am torn by the fact that I can't be home for his funeral. I pray that the Lord will bless his soul and comfort all who grieve his departure.


Dr. Koh Eng Kiat

9 November 1924 – 29 June 2007

“What will be the measure of my days, weeks and years passed? How will my life be valued? What will matter is not what I bought, but what I have chosen to build. Not what I received, but what I have shared and given you. What will matter is not what I learned, But what I have taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate from my example. What will matter is not my competence, but my integrity and character; my true grit. What will matter is not how many people I have known, rich or poor, but how many will feel a lasting loss when I am gone. What will matter are not my faded memories, but the memories of those who knew and have loved me.”

When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound, and time shall be no more; And the morning breaks, eternal, bright and fair; When the saved of earth shall gather over on the other shore, And the roll is called up yonder, Dr Koh’ll be there

By the grace of God, when the roll is called up yonder, may all of us be there.

Memorial Services:
Saturday (30 June 07), 08.30pm

Sunday (01 July 07)
07.30am, 11.00am, 02.30pm, 08.30pm

Funeral service at L5, Wisma FGA:
Monday (02 July 07) - 02.00pm
(thereafter to Nilai Memorial Park)

Saturday, June 09, 2007

More than birds in the air and lilies in the fields

I have been praying about certain things and asking the Lord for direction for my next step. One of the main concern was financial and not knowing if I can afford to keep up my studies despite all the hurdles the Lord has enabled me to go through thus far. Last Thursday, as I was walking around the shops at the University village, I literally told myself (aloud), 'Don't worry, God will take care of you!' Immediately I felt a profound sense of comfort flooding me.

I then head out to meet a visiting professor who asked if I could help her translate some manuscripts she received from Indonesia. I'm not particularly fluent in Bahasa Malaysia, much less Bahasa Indonesia. Anyways, she offered to pay me for this task. Then I went home and saw a letter from the IRA in the mail. My heart dropped a little cause in my experience, it is never good news. So I was most surprised when I found a cheque for a few hundred dollars. It blew my mind considering I don't even earn enough money to pay tax! The next day I picked up a pay-cheque from the office and together with another cheque that I received from a friend the day before, I deposited the money into the bank with a very deep sense of gratitude, being assured that God knows exactly where I am. His sense of timing is perfect. I am awed simply to know that He cares.

As if that's not enough, later that evening, He sent an angel to knock on my door, bearing gifts of bread, jam, fruits, vegetable, cooking condiment, etc. Now talk about sending me a message loud and clear. It's as close as having it written in the sky! This is not the first time I've received such gifts (see earlier blogs), especially since I've come here, but neither are they regular features in my life. They have always served as tangible signs of God's goodness, reminding me that He can provide in ways beyond what I can think or imagine. And although He's shown this to me before, thus I should have learned my lesson by now, He's willing to do it again. I am humbled by His amazing grace and love for me.

I suppose one can rationalise and explain exactly where each of these came from (natural means), but I can't deny the timing at which they came. At the end of the day, while they do not serve as indicators of how I should decide, I'm assured that no matter what my decision is, I hold on to the fact that God cares and He will provide for my needs. It is a lesson of learning to trust the Lord and I'm grateful for His patience with me, a slow learner. I am also thankful that He's fully committed to the task of helping me move from self-reliance to God-reliance, and will spare nothing, but do whatever it takes, to achieve that end.

p/s: Thank you all for leaving your comments. I am glad this has served to encourage you. There is a little post script to the above. In that same week, my housemate started bringing home endless supply of the most wonderful pastries and even sandwiches. He started work at a coffee shop and gets to bring back all these goodies (2-3 shopping bags full!) when he closes the store, which is as often as 2-3 times a week. So not only does He not give us a stone when we ask for bread, He is able to supply croissant, danish pastries, muffins, scones, rye bread sandwiches, lemon loaves, and lots more! The fact is I usually resist buying these, especially in coffee shops, cause they're pretty pricey. Oh, another one... I have a thing about buying hair bands (to tie my hair with). They cost much more than what I would like to pay and since they have a tendency to be loose and get lost, I usually make do with whatever I can find. Last week I received 4 brand new, good quality ones delivered in the mail. Indeed nothing is too small (or too big) for our God.

Friday, June 08, 2007

I arise today

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Jesus and Film

I've always been a huge movie buff and a firm believer that there's lots that the movies can speak to our culture, and provide inroads for conversation and theological reflection. One of our professors spoke precisely on that, affirming that for our the present generation, movie is the main medium for this communication. He made some pretty good points about how movies draws us into the story and enable us to participate in it, allowing us to come to the conclusion without telling us straight out what it 'should' be. I totally resonate with many of his reflections.

Here are some books he recommended that can provide further food for thought:
Reel Spirituality: Theology and Film in Dialogue (Engaging Culture) by Robert Johnston
A Stay Against Confusion: Essays on Faith and Fiction by Ron Hansen

I was surprised to find that there are many sites on this topic. I've listed a sample of them which I hope to revisit when I have time.
http://www.cmu.ca/library/faithfilm.html
http://post.queensu.ca/~rsa/Real2Reel/realreel.htm
http://theresurgence.com/gospel_culture_and_church/film
http://www.usask.ca/relst/jrpc/index.html

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Daily Decalogue

1) Only for today, I will seek to live the live the whole day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5) Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10) Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

By Pope John XXIII

To conclude: here is an all-embracing resolution: "I want to be kind, today and always, to everyone". In this way, we can put Pope John's hope for every Christian into practice

Every believer in this world must be a spark of light, a core of love, life-giving leaven in the mass: and the more he is so, the more he will live, in his innermost depths, in communion with God.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Law or Gospel?

I've not been blogging for a while. Came upon some thoughts about my quest to learn to read passages like Sermon on the Mount and thought I'd blog it, only to notice that that was in fact the topic of my last blog. That's not to say I've not been reflecting and learning other cool stuff, especially in my current class on 'A Theology of Weakness: Thinking Biblically about Suffering', with Marva Dawn. She has given us lots to mull on and it has also led me to some of her other writings. Yet when once again, I find the Lord leading me to deeper insight on how we should read the Word. This is tremendously encouraging for me to know that He understands the depth of my struggles with regards to this topic and is extremely patient to teach me, leading me step by step. The quotation below is taken from Marva's book entitled, 'I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms'. Here goes...

This intentionality has significant implication for the way in which we read the Scriptures. We can choose to read them as law or as gospel - as our objectives for the day, which we must reach or as our goal for the direction of our lives, the way in which we are learning to move.
If we read exhortations such as to "put on compassion" as law, we are crushed by our failure, for it is impossible for us to put on compassion perfectly. If we see those same promptings as gospel invitations, then to be compassionate is our goal; it orients the direction in which we move through our days, but it is not the day's objective, which we will have failed to meet if we don't get there by tonight. Our day's objectives might include doing acts of compassion, like caring for a sick neighbour or giving more money and more of ourselves away to help the poor, but these are simply movements toward the goal of being yielded to God who forms us into compassionate people.

(Dawn, Marva. I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms. Revised ed. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1998. p 26.)

Thus the gospel invitation is for us to become more Christlike and know where we should set our direction. Ultimately my faith is in the Lord to bring me to the final destination, as I constantly depend upon Him and learn to cooperate with His Spirit to choose and move with Him in the direction set out in the Word. It's a direction for me to grow in to, rather than a mark I must hit everyday, or ever in this lifetime. So instead of looking at it as hit or miss, I can see it as a process of growth. Moreover it is not about hitting the mark once or twice, today, but rather that I would grow in this virtue, becoming more and more like Christ, and with the hope that I might one day find that it has become my 'natural' response - if not here, then at least in eternity. Thus we are not Christians because we have proven ourselves to be a compassionate person, but rather, being a Christian, the Lord invites us to allow Him to mould us and help us grow in His likeness. I have to resist my tendency to measure my spiritual walk as something to be achieved, or constantly keeping count of the times I've 'missed', as if to say that this is how God views me and my walk with Him.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Some more thoughts on the Sermon on the Mount

Looks like I'm not the only one who struggle with the Sermon on the Mount.

This is the link to a fellow Regent student's blog and her thoughts on the Sermon after a class with one of our beloved Regent faculty, Darrell Johnson.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Worth the price of admission

I'm sure you've come across a thought when reading a book or attending a seminar which makes you feel like that idea/quote itself is worth the price of admission (or the cost of the book). Knowing how expensive our classes are in Regent, we have a collection of quotes which we feature in our weekly students' newsletter, "The Et Cetera". In our Soul of Ministry class this week, I felt a light bulb turned on in my head with the following statements which I felt qualified as 'worth the price of admission' for that class, if not the entire course!

1. Obstacles in our journey of faith are meant to develop our faith and help us grow. They are not evidence that our faith does not work.
2. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty!

These statements were said back-to-back with hardly a pause between them, the former was by lecturer and the latter by a fellow student. Just before that class, I was sharing with my professor how I could reconsider the way I view matters of faith in strictly black and white categories, and make room for more gray. By this I do not mean that there is no black and white in moral issues, but I am learning to see that not everything can easily and simply (or simplistically) be categorised as black or white. It causes us to assume we are able to make that judgment accurately in every situation. Black and white makes things manageable and gives us a sense of security - but this is a false sense of security. Such clear cut categories leaves no room for grace because grace is often gray. It is learning to see that in every situation, even in the bleakest, darkest, most broken and marred by sin, there is forgiveness, redemption and hope. Grace is scandalous ... and my mind struggles to maintain the paradox. It was as if God was listening to our conversation (which we prayed He would and acknowledged that He did) and prepared me for His answer in class.

The first statement has tripped me up for a long time. I've often, and have been doing so for a long time, wondered at my failure to live up to my 'faith'. In my previous blogs I've asked the question of whether the Sermon on the Mount is prescriptive or descriptive, prompted by my struggle with my failure to live up to the demands of Christ. If you think the 10 commandments is difficult, I think the Sermon on the Mount is impossible - well, almost impossible at least. I've tended to conclude that since it's impossible, then I might as well forget it altogether cause who am I fooling? (Notice the all-or-nothing/ black-and-white categories, and you can imagine how this would affect my view of legal practice, the pastoral ministry or relationships!) Why claim to be a Christian and not live up to the most basic teaching of Christ? Why bother? Who is that going to impress?

Rather than looking at faith as a practice, something that I can never perfect on this side of heaven but am constantly practising and will always have to keep practising... Instead of seeing them as opportunities for my faith to be stretched and grow (and even to correct my wrong ideas about faith), I tend to conclude that my faith does not work and tempted to give it up altogether. I know this sounds crazy and I'm learning to identify some of these faulty belief system that I default to in my thinking pattern and analysis of things that happen in life. Thus I am reminded that we always live up to our faith, not to our professed system of belief - and we spend a life time closing the gap. Someone helpfully pointed out to me that the Sermon on the Mount is not a requirement to get in the kingdom, or to remain in the kingdom, but it would be best for us if we live by it, or at least seek to do so. That gives me such a sense of liberty, to want to follow it, or at least attempt to do so, rather than doing it because I have to.

Opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. We want to figure everything out and know what's coming up ahead, or predict the outcome. If we are able to do that, we don't need faith. We don't need God. We become god or are gods. I know there's a sense of assurance that accompanies faith and I'm not talking about that. However the opposite of faith is to be in control. We want to reach a point where we do not need God. Have you thought about how we constantly ask God for healing, provision, peace, etc ... what if He gave us all that - would we still need Him? Should we not be like the Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 who prayed, 'Lord, do not make me so poor that I curse You, or so rich that I have no need for You'? I'd rather anytime remain in the place in need of faith and in need of God, and trusting that He knows our needs and is faithful to provide for us according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

As I reflect on my time here in Regent College, I can see how the Lord has been at work in my life all these years. I've gone through over 5 years of deconstruction prior to coming to Regent. that has prepared me for this season. This probably why I've desired to come to Regent and have kept that dream to do so for more than 5 years before I finally came. But the Lord knew I was not ready to come, not yet. I can see that He has brought me here to reconstruct some of my belief systems. I know He is still working on me and will continue to do so until He returns, or when He calls me home. It is out of His love that He has drawn me and brought me here, giving me a yearning for more of Him - for the real Him. It is because of His grace that I am able to go through this journey towards healing and look at life with fresh hope. Sounds like I'm going through a conversion process. Indeed I'm looking forward to celebrating this Easter with a renewed sense of God's amazing and abundant grace!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Believe and Understand

I do not seek to understand so that I may believe,
    but I believe so that I may understand;
       and what is more,
I believe that unless I do believe I shall not understand.

Anselm (Proslogion)

Friday, March 02, 2007

Mistakes for a Perfectionist

My classmate shared with the class about how he grew up without a theology/ understanding for mistake, at home. I was intrigued by what he said but didn't quite get what he meant until the lecturer gave an illustration of it. A light kind of turned in my head as I immediately recognised that I didn't have nor make room for mistakes in my life. I know I'm not perfect and should not expect myself to be. Yet I find it hard to accept when I make a mistake and would usually be pretty hard on myself, especially when I feel I should know better. Even if I am not an expert in the matter but feel it is something I should know, it's still hard for me to accept my mistakes. For example if I've gone to a certain place before, I would usually be able to remember the directions to get there, and get pretty mad at myself when I don't. I put a lot of pressure on myself and would chide or beat up myself (sometime hit myself on the head physically) when I don't remember. It's worse when I'm in the car and trying to direct someone else driving there, and being so sure of myself ... yes, my pride does get in the way too.

In my mind, mistakes were unacceptable - as if, I had to get things right all the time I even assume I am right most of the time, until proven otherwise. And I hate it when that happens. Somehow I got it in my system that it is catastrophic and unacceptable for me to make mistakes. I've alluded to this in some of my previous blogs. I don't do it consciously though, so when I think about my reaction towards my mistakes, I get a glimpse of my faulty belief system. I'm learning to understand what some of these are because I'm giving myself an impossible target and setting myself up for major disappointment and disillusionment.

I'm learning and re-programming my mind to see mistakes as just that... mistakes. It is not necessary to put a moral judgment on every mistake! A person is not bad because he or she makes a mistake. It is a mistake sure, so we admit the mistake and move on. Being wrong is not a sin. I admit I don't like being wrong or making mistakes and much rather get it right if I can help it. So I give it my best shot and learn to accept the outcome as my best effort. I seek to learn from the mistake when I try again next time and hopefully make improvements. But trying and not succeeding does not mean you're a failure. I know pride can complicate matters here, especially when our concern is about what people think of us when we fail to meet the mark, that is their (or our own) expectations.

Even when we put in less than our best effort and make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Can we really expect ourselves to perform at our top form all the time? We all have our off days and slip-ups do happen. Often we discredit people's best intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt that no one wants to make a mistake. Yet we make a big deal about the mistake, perhaps noticing their work only when the outcome is a mistake. Or even worse, we focus on the parts that has mistakes and completely ignore (and fail to acknowledge) the parts that are right. Children are known to react to such negative reinforcements by making more mistakes (perhaps unconsciously) in order to get our attention.

Being a Christian, as well as a leader, for so many years, there are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do but I find myself doing them. Sometimes they catch me by surprise because it's an area I thought I was pretty strong, and other times, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. It is extremely frustrating and very disturbing. It does not make sense to me because I assumed that since I 'know' so much, I should be able to do it and do it well. Truth be told is while I may 'know' a lot about what I ought to do, I don't really know how to do them. I have not practised it sufficiently and am far from having mastered it. Daily I am depending on Christ to strengthen me by his Spirit to help me walk and live faithfully before him.

Thus I'm the first to admit that sometimes mistake involves doing something wrong. Yes, it is wrong and it is also a mistake. We confess our sin and admit our mistake. And move on. I'm not saying it's ok for us to do wrong but I do not see the need nor the point for hitting ourselves on the head. We can't do penance for our wrong to make it right (that's not to say we don't try) and we need to do our best to make up to those whom we've wronged. It is not about blaming others for what I did or justifying the mistake by arguing that it is not really wrong because ... (and come up with an excuse).

We sometimes resort to these tactics because of pride, when we refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. But accepting responsibility for making a mistake does not mean we need to give ourselves a hard time. This would not guarantee we will never (mindful of using words like 'always' and 'never') make the same mistake again. Mistakes provide us opportunity to learn about ourselves, reminding us we are frail and human, and always in need of grace. It is definitely a humbling process. It is not my intention to excuse mistakes and wrongdoing, but often I know it is difficult for me to accept my own humanity and limitations. I am positive God has no issue accepting my humanity, even in my fallen state.

Life is tough without us making it harder for ourselves and others. When we make room for mistakes, we are less wound-up. When we are less worked up about making mistakes, we are more wiling to step out and make new attempts, able to see mistakes as part of the learning process. Most importantly, it will help me be more gracious with others and cut them some slack when they meet our expectations. Often we are less harsh in judging those who are not yet believers than our fellow brothers and sisters; with strangers than colleagues, friends and loved ones. We are in fact hardest on family members who are closest to us. But can you imagine the amount of pressure we exert on those around us when we make no room for mistakes and expect them to 'perform' at their best all the time ... when we ourselves can't do it? It's a definite relationship killer, and even worse, it is highly damaging for self-esteem and cause great insecurity.

For me, the most powerful demonstration of grace and compassion for mistakes which also constitute wrongdoing, is seen in Christ. Hanging on the Cross, he prayed for those who persecuted and had a part in killing him, saying "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He uttered this prayer for the Roman soldiers as well as the Pharisees who felt threatened by his popularity; for Judas as well as Peter; for you and for me. They may not really know that they are killing the Son of God, or may be led astray by other factors like greed or fear which undeniably are very powerful motivations ... but I doubt they did not know what they were doing was wrong. Yet the most righteous judge who is completely qualified to judge, choose instead to forgive us, and take the punishment for our sins on our behalf.

I remember one of my prof reminding us, it's pride to tell God that some of our sins are too great and there is no way he can (or should) forgive them. How dare we judge these mistakes by any other terms? Rather because he has first forgiven us, we adopt the attitude and posture of a forgiven sinner. Thus even when a mistake constitutes a sin, we can choose to view the mistakes of others with a heart of compassion and eyes of grace, and assume they know not what they do (even if they should know better or we've told them a million times not to do it). In doing that, we find we are able to forgive. This also applies to us forgiving ourselves.

Friday, February 16, 2007

What next?

Crossroads. It's a funny place. And it does funny things to you. I'm at this place right now. I'm in my final term at Regent and will need only to take another 2 courses to complete the Master of Christian Studies. I can't believe how fast time flies and I feel like I've only been here for a really short time. I've dreamt of coming to Regent College for almost 5 years, before it was a reality. I applied for a copy of the catalogue and used to put up the pamphlet on my notice board at my office, and told myself ... maybe one day. I knew I was feeding a dream. Dare to dream. It was an impossible dream in my mind. Not with what I was earning as a full-time pastor in church. When one of my members told me she was interested to take some short term courses related to biblical studies , I did not hesitate to recommend and put my stamp of approval on Regent College. She went to do summer school in 2004. I had mixed feelings ... being so happy for her and was more than glad to offer any assistance she may need. Yet thinking, if only I could be the one going. In a sense it was kind of a test, I think. God wanted to see if I could be happy seeing that dream being fulfilled in someone else. It was as if I passed the test (only God knows) ... while the thought of 'if only' crossed my mind, it was not envy and I was truly happy for her, even offered to proof-read her papers. It was ironical because I didn't think I was qualified, but I did have experience studying part-time in Malaysian Bible Seminari.

Since I've been here I've experienced the grace of God in such rich and diverse ways. It's so humbling to know how much He loves me and see how He's accommodated to meet me where I am. He comes to me in His gentle and loving way, not demanding or reprimanding me although I know and feel I fully deserve rebuke. He comes beside me and invite me to Himself. It is a drawing and wooing that is full of compassion and grace. He does not shout His orders although He can rightly do so. But I feel as if His Spirit hovers me and covers me with His wings, especially when I felt overwhelmed and that the onslaught is too much. When I lacked faith and am afraid, He comes and assures me ... of His presence and His help that is near, filling my heart with peace. When I felt I've let Him down and a failure, He comes to me in the form of an encouraging pastor, who believes in second chances and tells me he believes in me. When I am burdened with guilt and shame, and feel I am not worthy to come before Him or look at Him, He invites me to confess my sins and extends His forgiveness even though I feel I have no right to ask for it, because I've failed so many times in the same area. Only God knows how broken I am inside but He is here to help me put the pieces together and offer to give me a new heart; new hope. Who is this God? Can He be for real? Isn't He too good to be true? Is it too risky to preach such a gospel? Of a God who loves us unconditionally? Who saves us at all cost? Who is wiling to offer 2nd chances again and again? It's crazy. It does not make sense ... not the kind of god that I can conjure in my wildest imagination. That's the kind of God I don't mind sharing with people about... that I can't help but share about.

The last year and a half has been nothing short of a miracle and an extravagant gift! An impossible dream that has come through. Almost everyday I wake up and can't help but smile as I think that I'm actually here studying! I feel like kissing the sunshine (not as excited to want to kiss the rain) when I walk outside. Love the fresh, cool and crisp air, and the cool temperatures here, which is really very mild compared to many parts of Canada and even US. I didn't think I would have this opportunity, nor thought it fit for me to ask ... but looking back I can say God is faithful. Very faithful indeed. He's looked out for me and provided me with all that I needed, even when I didn't know what it was I really needed. For example, He gave me friends who encouraged me with my cooking ... eating everything placed on the table without comment or criticism, which I would have made me cringed and tempted to give up in my attempts. I never lacked food, clothing, household items, etc and I have so many testimonies where the supply was so timely that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt God was meeting my needs. He's also opened doors for me to work part-time for most of my time here, at times even holding multiple jobs! I am really grateful for the friends I've made here. I enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to make initial connection but going deeper is another thing altogether. I have a very tight circle of close friends and am grateful for the gift of friendship. And in this transient community, it's not easy to make friends only to have to say goodbye when you've established the friendship. It's emotionally exhausting but that's the fact of life. The lyrics of a song goes like this "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger."

At this juncture, I am praying about my plan for the future. I'm not sure where God is leading me to and am seeking and discerning His will. My first inclination is to go on and complete the Master of Theology. It's a big step since I've never written anything close to a thesis, so this will be a whole new world. Others have done it and survived the ordeal ... some survive better than others. I'm in the process of applying for financial aid, bursary and scholarship, the outcome of will be a major determinant in this decision. The other important determinant is my grades. The College just raised the Grade Point Average requirement to enter the ThM program to 3.5 (that is out of 4), which is an A average. Ironically the required GPA to graduate with ThM is still 3.3. If both of these do not come true, i.e. I do not make the grade or am not granted sufficient scholarship, then it's no go and back to the drawing board. I have other options in mind if this does not come through but will not be looking at them just yet. Only have enough energy and time to look at this option for now. I want it enough to ask God for it but holding it loose enough for God to lead me onto a different path, because I have faith that if He does, it will only be a 'better' way.

Seek your prayer as I make my application and discern His guidance.

Personality

I recently did a personality profile test known as the Kiersey test - I find the analysis here more detailed, and more accurate. Below are the results - some parts very true, other parts almost true. :)

Guardians™(SJs)
All Guardians™(SJs) share the following core characteristics:
* Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.
* Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.
* Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.
* Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.

Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.

Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, are being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honour customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.

Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork gets the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.

Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.

Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)
Providers (ESFJ) take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighbourly-in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbours. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Boasting of our Weaknesses

There were those who questioned my spirituality when my first wife died. Word came to me that there were those who were saying that if indeed I was a leader called and empowered by God, I would have been able to have prayed for my wife's healing successfully. (She died of cancer.)

There are those who believe that if you were right with God you would be free from the pains of this life, or, if afflicted, you would be able to get out of them quickly. I suspect that some of Paul's opponents in Corinth thought the same.

They had called Paul's apostolic pedigree into question. These rivals had embraced the values of the world. They valued strength and power and looked down on human weakness.

A famous non-Christian orator of the day said, "the greatest defect in a person is to show his or her humanness, for then a person ceases to be held divine" (David A. de Silva, An Introduction to the New Testament, p.586). With his catalogue of sufferings (2 Corinthians 11:23-29) Paul's humanity was only too evident.

In response to these rivals writes 2 Corinthians. He makes a number of points we need to hear again.

First he reminds the Corinthians that we live in a fallen world and that brokenness of various kinds are part and parcel of life this side of heaven. It is only in the eschaton that we will trade in this body with all its vulnerability for the perfect, free-of-pain body. (2 Corinthians 5:1-10) The pain of our fallen humanity is a given in this life.

In the meantime God redeems the pains of a fallen world by using them to teach us the deepest lessons. In our pain and helplessness we receive the empowering comfort of God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It is that same comfort that enables us to minister to others. Here is irony indeed. The very wounds that Paul's opponents used as evidence to question his leadership were the very things that qualified him to minister.

And the toughest circumstances teach the most important lesson --- we mustn't depend on ourselves. We must depend on God alone. And someone like Paul who had experienced God in such profound ways, who had been used by God so effectively, needed to learn and relearn this lesson. (2 Corinthians 1:9; 12: 1-10)

Christianity is no masochistic faith. We look forward to that day when this earthly life will be swallowed up in glory and pain will be no more. When stricken by a 'thorn in the flesh" Paul asks for it to be removed. We do not pursue pain as an end in itself.

But pain is a given in this fallen world. And a God of the Cross uses pain to enable us to receive His grace and to teach us His ways. He uses the pains of this life to enable us to receive His empowerment.

Therefore Paul does not play the game that his rivals at Corinth are playing. He does not get drawn into a game of spiritual one-upmanship. Instead he continues to show his humanity. He tells them of desperate times when he had give up hope (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). He recounts a thorn in the flesh that brought him considerable pain, a thorn that God chose not to remove (2 Corinthians 12:1-10).

Indeed he boasts of his sufferings because he knows that they humble him and put him in a position where he is able to receive divine power. Here indeed is a faithful follower of a Lord who brings life out of death and power out of weakness.

Recently I watched the movie 'Gladiator (2000)' again and I was reminded of how much I had wanted Maximus to have connected with his army so that he could beat the stuffing out of Commodus. Yet the director Ridley Scott, in an echo of the Cross, lets Maximus win by "losing", effecting change through his death rather then through worldly strength and power. I was reminded that my heart remained far from the way of the Cross.

It seems that the more gifted we are, the more we tend to trust in our gifts rather than in the Giver. If a church is big, the more the temptation to say "see how big we are, how rich we are, how much political clout we have. Now we can do great things for God."

The more gifted we are the more we tend to hide our weaknesses and push our strengths. (Check out the websites of our more "successful" churches and organizations.) Yet it is the against he backdrop of our weaknesses that God's grace shines brightest.

If we have been blessed personally or corporately we should be grateful, and be good stewards of our gifts. And be doubly vigilant to ensure that our trust remain firmly rooted in the Giver and not in His gifts.

The world has tried shock and awe. It didn't work during the time of the Romans. It doesn't work today. The life that the world needs comes from the "foolishness" of a Saviour who died and rose again. It comes through those willing to walk the path of the Cross, those willing to allow their weaknesses to be conduits of God's life.

We are not divine. We are only too human. But when we embrace our humanity we allow the Divine to shine through.

"My grace is enough for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NET)

Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan

Grace@Work 29 Jan 2007
(posted with permission)

Friday, January 19, 2007

Bread for the journey

One of the salient features as human being is our finiteness and frailty. We are not God and thus have limited ability, and we are definitely not invincible. Some personalities are more resilient than others to hardships, trials and challenges of life. Nevertheless we all feel weak at some point, because life is full of challenges and some of these blows can knock even the strongest among us.

How we view such trials in life is important. Many Asians, especially Christians, find it hard to admit to others that we are weak. Often pride stands in the way because we think we ought to be tougher. For others, we simply don't want to trouble others with our problems and feel we should deal with it. Perhaps we've had bad experience where people reject us or are uncomfortable with such admission. Some would rather die than to admit that they are struggling or to ask for help from another. What makes it hard for me is my self-talk that keeps telling me mistakes and failure are unacceptable. Thus when I experienced these, I'm usually very hard on myself and tend to beat myself on the head, chiding myself to do better next time. I suspect I'm not alone in thinking this way. Even when I turn to the Father to beg for mercy and forgiveness, and ask him to help, I sometimes imagine Him grunting with great disapproval and letting me off with a stern warning not to repeat the mistake and to try harder. Yes, I am spared the punishment I rightfully deserve, but rarely do I hear in my heart, 'Child, you are forgiven. Go and sin no more'. His vast love and extravagant grace is beyond my comprehension, but it is oh so real. Coming to the foot of the Cross, and see His pierced hands and side, I am reminded of it and know I've misrepresented Him. When I hear His invitation to come to the table, again I know and experience His love giving me new life and hope to overcome the darkness within me, in a tangible way. Does this mean I never sin again or make another mistake? Oh no ... not at all. I only know that I have the strength I need to make it a little further along on the journey. Bread for the journey.

I am learning to see others differently and remember that those sharing this journey are struggling too. I learn to extend grace and remind them (and myself) of who He really is. I share about my weakness, if only to boast about His grace, giving them permission to acknowledge their weaknesses and struggles. I am afraid of my own vulnerability and battle with temptations. I feel like giving up sometimes ... perhaps too often. I try to share that too and at the same time, learning to ask for help. I need help to be held accountable and to allow others to speak into my life or give me a shout if they think I'm running too close to crossing the line. I'm incredibly good at rationalising and justifying sin (augmented by my legal training) , thus understand that in my areas of weakness, I'm not the right, and definitely not the best, person to know if I'm heading the wrong direction. I need friends who would love me like that. Friends who would remind me that there is yet hope and to hang in there, because the best is yet to come. God's not done with us yet and will surely fulfill His promise to bring in the fullness of His kingdom. In the meantime, we watch, we wait, we long, we yearn together for His return.

At this juncture, I would like to urge those who feel like you are at wits end about life and do not see a way forward in your situation, please know that there is Hope. There are people who care about you and can help. If you are feeling suicidal, read this first.

Here are some tests that I have found to be helpful resources that you might want to look at to gauge how you are feeling and how well you are coping
- Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale
- Beck Depression Inventory

These are some helpful questionnaires to learn more about yourself
- Sexual Maturity Questionnaire
- Life Script Questionnaire

Monday, January 08, 2007

Role of the Church

What is the role of the church? What is her mission? We are here to introduce people to Christ. Are we to be judge of others, whether they are sinners or saved? Are we here to enforce a set of rules? We tend to think and talk about the Christianity in terms of being in and out - is that right? Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but often I find that we have a lot of patience with someone is still yet to be a believer and the bar to get in is kept low. But once they become a Christian, they suddenly find a series of changes that are demanded of them, and the bar seem to be raised sky high, catching them unawares. Almost overnight grace quickly disappears. We think that knowledge and education will change people, and therefore teach them lots about the faith. That is great and very valuable, but I don't think knowledge (at least not head knowledge and information alone) can change anyone's behaviour. Not in the short term anyway. And this is one of the struggles we have in our churches today. We want quick fix and immediate results. We set up programmes and hope that people will be transformed if they only stick to the itinerary.

I know that transformation is the aim and I have no issue with that. It is how we reach that aim that I am concerned with. Do we put people into a program and hope that there would be changed of heart and change of lifestyle? Well, I don't think so. An internal change that leads to a change of lifestyle and behaviour is the aim. External change is good but external change alone cannot be maintained without an internal change. In fact emphasising on external changes alone can sometimes be deceptive leading others, as well as the person in question, to assume that internal changes are present as well. By external changes I mean, getting rid of vices as well as adopting positive habits, like going to church, being active in church, performing religious rituals like fasting, attending prayer meetings, etc.

I am not saying that teaching and external changes have no value, but all I'm saying is they are insufficient, and more importantly, it can't be programmed. Knowledge is more than information, and true knowledge is personal and relational. Transformation is a result of a personal encounter and relationship with Christ, over a prolonged period. In fact nothing teach us to be more like Christ and strengthen our faith more than suffering and trials, and experiencing Christ through them. I'm not saying people shouldn't change their behaviour when they come to Christ, but it's hard for us to judge a person's growth in their faith by their behaviour and external changes. While I believe our faith should and must be reflected in changed lives and behaviour, they are not a good gauge nor are they any basis for judging internal change and one's relationship with Christ. It is not for us to judge another's growth and walk with Christ based on that. I do not deny but firmly believe, that there is certain value in external changes that can change our inner attitudes and heart. For example, if we acted kindly towards people, simply because we believe it is the right thing to do and not because we have any other agenda, then in time to come we will become kinder. It is the nature of things that we become what we practice and also there is the effect of people responding to our kindness, that can move our hearts and change us internally.

The reason why I'm rethinking through some of these issues is because I'm still trying to work out how we approach those who come into our churches and fellowships who are struggling with various issues. I believe God loves them, extends His gift of life and includes them in His family. How do we communicate this hospitality and gracious and compassionate invitation to these friends? May He gives us the grace to do so, just as He has welcomed us into His fold. May we be an extension of God to demonstrate His love and embrace all who are caught in the bonds of sin. His command is that we love one another, not to change one another ... that is His part. However I do not think that loving a person simply means being nice and avoiding issues that are sensitive. It can also involve loving and honest confrontation of sin and walking through with people as they work out these issues. None of us are excluded and we would be wise to be mindful that we are all weak and vulnerable. That is why we need to be there for and support each other in our struggles.

Being in Vancouver, one particular issue on my mind is gay couples who are living in faithful relationship with their partners. It's been painful seeing churches being torn apart, not being able to agree on how we should approach this very real and practical concern in our community. I wonder what would Jesus do ... what does He want us to do?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Goodbye 2006, Hello 2007

The last semester was a very good one. I am very thankful for the courses I took because I believe God really addressed many questions that I've had; questions which I thought were too basic for someone who's been a Christian for as long as I have. I would never have thought that I'd be taking courses on subjects as basic as conversion and prayer, at this level. But I'm very grateful I did and to some extent, feel like this is the very reason why God has brought me out here. I am still thinking through many of these issues and they're not exactly resolved, but I believe I have some basis for working through them. I guess it is precisely the basics that we need to 'master', failing which, they can have a lot of implications, and a faulty foundation can definitely affect how we build on it.

This Christmas was a good time of celebrating and remembering the Lord's birth with different families and friends. It's been a real blessing. Except for one, the rest were pretty small group and intimate affairs. Find it a lot more meaningful that way. As much as I enjoy meeting new people, spending an evening with a house full of people and making small talk is not my idea of fun. Maybe not anymore. Perhaps a sign I'm growing old. I guess I just don't find spending time in that manner very meaningful although I'm sure there is a place and time for that. Besides eating (and there was quite a lot of that), this was a time of saying goodbyes to dear friends. Will we meet again? Perhaps, God willing. If not, I know He is with them wherever they are and in their undertaking.

Besides eating, managed to watch quite a number of movies (one of my favourite past times), attended 2 musicals, visited the Vancouver Aquarium (for free!), Festival of Lights at Van Deusen Gardens and also at Warm Beach Camp in Washington (site for Regent retreat). I went for the lights display at Van Deusen Garden with my housemate and thought it was beautiful albeit a little cold. They had lights all over the Garden and even some dancing to the tempo of music being played. There was also a very nice male choir singing there too ... all of them, look like great Santa Claus candidate. Then when I visited the other one in Warm Beach, it was so much bigger and nicer. They even had lights put up looking like the Rockies mountains. Went for a train ride with my friends. It was way nicer and we had complimentary tickets by friends we knew from Regent who were working there, and it was way colder. The best part of my trip to the States was the crossing of the border. The traffic was very heavy and it would have taken us 2-3 hours to get across. So my friend dropped us near the border, and another friend and I walked across the border and then we got picked up from the other side. That meant we cut the whole process to less than 30-45 minutes, including the time at the immigration. Walking from Canada to US - that's probably my biggest feat for 2006!