Bread for the journey

One of the salient features as human being is our finiteness and frailty. We are not God and thus have limited ability, and we are definitely not invincible. Some personalities are more resilient than others to hardships, trials and challenges of life. Nevertheless we all feel weak at some point, because life is full of challenges and some of these blows can knock even the strongest among us.

How we view such trials in life is important. Many Asians, especially Christians, find it hard to admit to others that we are weak. Often pride stands in the way because we think we ought to be tougher. For others, we simply don't want to trouble others with our problems and feel we should deal with it. Perhaps we've had bad experience where people reject us or are uncomfortable with such admission. Some would rather die than to admit that they are struggling or to ask for help from another. What makes it hard for me is my self-talk that keeps telling me mistakes and failure are unacceptable. Thus when I experienced these, I'm usually very hard on myself and tend to beat myself on the head, chiding myself to do better next time. I suspect I'm not alone in thinking this way. Even when I turn to the Father to beg for mercy and forgiveness, and ask him to help, I sometimes imagine Him grunting with great disapproval and letting me off with a stern warning not to repeat the mistake and to try harder. Yes, I am spared the punishment I rightfully deserve, but rarely do I hear in my heart, 'Child, you are forgiven. Go and sin no more'. His vast love and extravagant grace is beyond my comprehension, but it is oh so real. Coming to the foot of the Cross, and see His pierced hands and side, I am reminded of it and know I've misrepresented Him. When I hear His invitation to come to the table, again I know and experience His love giving me new life and hope to overcome the darkness within me, in a tangible way. Does this mean I never sin again or make another mistake? Oh no ... not at all. I only know that I have the strength I need to make it a little further along on the journey. Bread for the journey.

I am learning to see others differently and remember that those sharing this journey are struggling too. I learn to extend grace and remind them (and myself) of who He really is. I share about my weakness, if only to boast about His grace, giving them permission to acknowledge their weaknesses and struggles. I am afraid of my own vulnerability and battle with temptations. I feel like giving up sometimes ... perhaps too often. I try to share that too and at the same time, learning to ask for help. I need help to be held accountable and to allow others to speak into my life or give me a shout if they think I'm running too close to crossing the line. I'm incredibly good at rationalising and justifying sin (augmented by my legal training) , thus understand that in my areas of weakness, I'm not the right, and definitely not the best, person to know if I'm heading the wrong direction. I need friends who would love me like that. Friends who would remind me that there is yet hope and to hang in there, because the best is yet to come. God's not done with us yet and will surely fulfill His promise to bring in the fullness of His kingdom. In the meantime, we watch, we wait, we long, we yearn together for His return.

At this juncture, I would like to urge those who feel like you are at wits end about life and do not see a way forward in your situation, please know that there is Hope. There are people who care about you and can help. If you are feeling suicidal, read this first.

Here are some tests that I have found to be helpful resources that you might want to look at to gauge how you are feeling and how well you are coping
- Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale
- Beck Depression Inventory

These are some helpful questionnaires to learn more about yourself
- Sexual Maturity Questionnaire
- Life Script Questionnaire