Series of 8s

All my entries have been entered on the 8th, 18th and 28th - it's so odd! Just couldn't help making that observation.

Someone once said (there I go again), that in Life it is important to distinguish between the problems and inconveniences. Most of what we complaint about are inconveniences of life. Hardly problems. I spend so much time fretting about what people think of me, what they expect of me, getting hurt when people misunderstand me, angry when I'm ignored, blah, blah, blah. The real problem is I'm too preoccupied with ME! Who cares what people think! Why should I allow their opinions to dictate my life? And they have only so much 'influence' or 'power' over me as I allow them. So get on with the program, Cheryl and get over it. There's so much more in life than to brew over these things and let them pull you down.

Truth is the only opinion that matters is His opinion. At the end of the day, the only thing that counts for anything is when I have to answer Him as to how I've lived my life! And it would be no excuse to tell Him then, that I've not really lived my life because I was paranoid about what people would think of me. Or I was too busy trying to please others and meet their expectations. That would be the greatest regret. And at that point, it will be all too late.

I'm determined to live as I believe. Do my best to live as He wants me to. And if people see it and agree with it, it's ok. If they don't, it's ok too! There's such a temptation and danger to live only for the visible... to be seen. I want to live my life like an iceberg - that there'll be so much more in the inner and invisible life compared to the outer and visible life.

Time is short. Carpe Diem!

Real Me

Yeah I have my addictions
and keep my share of secrets
and things you'll never see
I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention
to my insecurities
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

*Chorus*
I don't know what you believe
or what you think of what you see
but this is a part of me
what i do and who i am
all my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

My heart break for the homeless
I worry about my parents
and all my bills are late
I'm dealing with the changes
This complicated Strangeness
Of seeing life this way
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when i see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready
To ever be alone
Oh I'm just like everybody else
I cry like everybody else

- "This is me" Faith Hill, Breathe

A Safe Place

Do I feel safe to share my thoughts and feelings? I know that degree of safeness really depends on the level of relationship. Sharing my thoughts is one thing. Sharing my feelings is another. Sharing my dreams, my joy and my pain... now that's a totally different thing.

Recently I was chatting with my friend and it dawned on me that while I'm quick to offer my opinions, that I'm really not comfortable sharing my feelings with others. I find it harder with people whose opinions matter a lot to me. It's odd I suppose, because those are the people who would really care to know what I am really thinking or feeling. I guess I need to know that you are willing to listen, emphatise and would not judge me - before I would be willing to share with you. Basically I have to trust the person to handle my heart with care if I'm gonna share it. If I have any doubts about that, you can bet you will not be able to get anything much more than opinions from me. It takes time for me to get into issues and go deeper into my soul. Thus if I sense you don't have time, I would most probably not open up and keep things on the surface. Since I'm hardly at a lost for words, many people don't feel that there's any trouble getting anything out of me. The truth is they may think they know me. Only those who know me well will know better.

It takes wisdom to an extent to know what to share with whom. However my friend challenged me that I should not always process too much of what I want to say before saying it. Some things need to be said as it is for it to have its full impact. I find that extremely tough. I am trained to measure and test all my words because words have tremendous implications, legally or otherwise. I need time, lots of time, to weigh my words, the tone, the facial expression and everything else before saying what's in my heart. Of course by the time it is actually communicated, it lacks the passion and intensity of all the emotions that I initially felt when I wanted to say it. However the mode of communication must be taken into consideration. I would take hours to draft an email because I know it's going down in black and white. In the absence of facial expressions, intonations and body language, much miscommunication can take place.

I am mindful of the need to carefully express my thoughts so that the message gets across clearly. I don't trust myself to say the right things or say what I mean to say in the right way, ie. in a way that I will not be misunderstood when I'm very emotional about a certain issue. Someone once said (you've heard this phrase from me before because I feel strongly about not taking credit for ideas that are not originally mine!) - When emotions are up, intelligence goes down!

Frankly I think it takes courage to share what you really want to say. It takes wisdom to communicate it in a way that sends your message across clearly. It takes compassion to say it in a way that others can receive it.

How is your soul today?

My heart, my soul is the very center of who I am. My heart is the core of who I am and everything about me is an overflow from what's in there. Sometimes I like to fool myself to think that I'm just 'misbehaving' or behaving in a manner that is uncharacteristic of who I really am. If I'd be real honest I know I can never do anything that I really do not want to do - within my soul anyways. It is very scary to face who I really am but I guess it's even scarier to live in ignorance or denial of that. Today we're all looking for what is REAL.... but what is real? For me, this is my attempt to be real. Honest? Yes, but not irresponsibly so. If it is Truth without Love, then it is REAL-ly unloving.

This is not as easy as it seems. I realised how often I make statements in the 2nd person or even 3rd. It takes discipline to keep writing in the 1st person. Probably it is because it means I have to take personal responsibility for all that I am saying. It is very revealing; self-revealing I mean. I find this observation interesting.

I asked myself if I should blog to track my emotional state? Think that'll be boring and probably much too depressing! Will just pen whatever comes to mind... experiences, feelings, thoughts, ideas & opinions, convictions, whatever. Most probably a reflection of all these. An unreflected life is a wasted life - can't remember who said it.

More Entries

Hee hee. I think this can be addictive. Why did I come up with this name.. Changes? Well because that's what life is all about. Change. You can't escape it. You don't have to deny or run away from it. Change is hard cause nobody likes things to move from the status quo. However with change there is hope. Someone once said, 'Only idiots do everything the same and expect different results!' If things are ever going to get better, then something must change. Well, all these about change... probably it's because I just celebrated my birthday yesterday. Puts me in a contemplative mood. Yes, being philosphical is definitely my cup of tea.

So are you suppose to talk to yourself when you blog? Or pretend that you're talking to somebody... or worse still, pretend that you're making a speech? EEEeeeewwww how boring. Already this thing feels like it's so much about ME... to imagine you have a huge audience out there waiting to hear from you is much too pretentious. OH MY GOODNESS... I've just been talking in this paragraph as if there's an audience!!!! It is getting to my head already. Oh no! I better stop before it's too late.

I am having fun.

Entrance

Why do people blog? Have been thinking of doing it.... so what the heck. Got nothing to lose. Will anyone read? Not if I don't tell them about it. Do I want to tell others about this? Depends. And if not, that's fine too. I'm just here to have fun.