Mistakes for a Perfectionist

My classmate shared with the class about how he grew up without a theology/ understanding for mistake, at home. I was intrigued by what he said but didn't quite get what he meant until the lecturer gave an illustration of it. A light kind of turned in my head as I immediately recognised that I didn't have nor make room for mistakes in my life. I know I'm not perfect and should not expect myself to be. Yet I find it hard to accept when I make a mistake and would usually be pretty hard on myself, especially when I feel I should know better. Even if I am not an expert in the matter but feel it is something I should know, it's still hard for me to accept my mistakes. For example if I've gone to a certain place before, I would usually be able to remember the directions to get there, and get pretty mad at myself when I don't. I put a lot of pressure on myself and would chide or beat up myself (sometime hit myself on the head physically) when I don't remember. It's worse when I'm in the car and trying to direct someone else driving there, and being so sure of myself ... yes, my pride does get in the way too.

In my mind, mistakes were unacceptable - as if, I had to get things right all the time I even assume I am right most of the time, until proven otherwise. And I hate it when that happens. Somehow I got it in my system that it is catastrophic and unacceptable for me to make mistakes. I've alluded to this in some of my previous blogs. I don't do it consciously though, so when I think about my reaction towards my mistakes, I get a glimpse of my faulty belief system. I'm learning to understand what some of these are because I'm giving myself an impossible target and setting myself up for major disappointment and disillusionment.

I'm learning and re-programming my mind to see mistakes as just that... mistakes. It is not necessary to put a moral judgment on every mistake! A person is not bad because he or she makes a mistake. It is a mistake sure, so we admit the mistake and move on. Being wrong is not a sin. I admit I don't like being wrong or making mistakes and much rather get it right if I can help it. So I give it my best shot and learn to accept the outcome as my best effort. I seek to learn from the mistake when I try again next time and hopefully make improvements. But trying and not succeeding does not mean you're a failure. I know pride can complicate matters here, especially when our concern is about what people think of us when we fail to meet the mark, that is their (or our own) expectations.

Even when we put in less than our best effort and make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Can we really expect ourselves to perform at our top form all the time? We all have our off days and slip-ups do happen. Often we discredit people's best intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt that no one wants to make a mistake. Yet we make a big deal about the mistake, perhaps noticing their work only when the outcome is a mistake. Or even worse, we focus on the parts that has mistakes and completely ignore (and fail to acknowledge) the parts that are right. Children are known to react to such negative reinforcements by making more mistakes (perhaps unconsciously) in order to get our attention.

Being a Christian, as well as a leader, for so many years, there are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do but I find myself doing them. Sometimes they catch me by surprise because it's an area I thought I was pretty strong, and other times, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. It is extremely frustrating and very disturbing. It does not make sense to me because I assumed that since I 'know' so much, I should be able to do it and do it well. Truth be told is while I may 'know' a lot about what I ought to do, I don't really know how to do them. I have not practised it sufficiently and am far from having mastered it. Daily I am depending on Christ to strengthen me by his Spirit to help me walk and live faithfully before him.

Thus I'm the first to admit that sometimes mistake involves doing something wrong. Yes, it is wrong and it is also a mistake. We confess our sin and admit our mistake. And move on. I'm not saying it's ok for us to do wrong but I do not see the need nor the point for hitting ourselves on the head. We can't do penance for our wrong to make it right (that's not to say we don't try) and we need to do our best to make up to those whom we've wronged. It is not about blaming others for what I did or justifying the mistake by arguing that it is not really wrong because ... (and come up with an excuse).

We sometimes resort to these tactics because of pride, when we refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. But accepting responsibility for making a mistake does not mean we need to give ourselves a hard time. This would not guarantee we will never (mindful of using words like 'always' and 'never') make the same mistake again. Mistakes provide us opportunity to learn about ourselves, reminding us we are frail and human, and always in need of grace. It is definitely a humbling process. It is not my intention to excuse mistakes and wrongdoing, but often I know it is difficult for me to accept my own humanity and limitations. I am positive God has no issue accepting my humanity, even in my fallen state.

Life is tough without us making it harder for ourselves and others. When we make room for mistakes, we are less wound-up. When we are less worked up about making mistakes, we are more wiling to step out and make new attempts, able to see mistakes as part of the learning process. Most importantly, it will help me be more gracious with others and cut them some slack when they meet our expectations. Often we are less harsh in judging those who are not yet believers than our fellow brothers and sisters; with strangers than colleagues, friends and loved ones. We are in fact hardest on family members who are closest to us. But can you imagine the amount of pressure we exert on those around us when we make no room for mistakes and expect them to 'perform' at their best all the time ... when we ourselves can't do it? It's a definite relationship killer, and even worse, it is highly damaging for self-esteem and cause great insecurity.

For me, the most powerful demonstration of grace and compassion for mistakes which also constitute wrongdoing, is seen in Christ. Hanging on the Cross, he prayed for those who persecuted and had a part in killing him, saying "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He uttered this prayer for the Roman soldiers as well as the Pharisees who felt threatened by his popularity; for Judas as well as Peter; for you and for me. They may not really know that they are killing the Son of God, or may be led astray by other factors like greed or fear which undeniably are very powerful motivations ... but I doubt they did not know what they were doing was wrong. Yet the most righteous judge who is completely qualified to judge, choose instead to forgive us, and take the punishment for our sins on our behalf.

I remember one of my prof reminding us, it's pride to tell God that some of our sins are too great and there is no way he can (or should) forgive them. How dare we judge these mistakes by any other terms? Rather because he has first forgiven us, we adopt the attitude and posture of a forgiven sinner. Thus even when a mistake constitutes a sin, we can choose to view the mistakes of others with a heart of compassion and eyes of grace, and assume they know not what they do (even if they should know better or we've told them a million times not to do it). In doing that, we find we are able to forgive. This also applies to us forgiving ourselves.