What next?

Crossroads. It's a funny place. And it does funny things to you. I'm at this place right now. I'm in my final term at Regent and will need only to take another 2 courses to complete the Master of Christian Studies. I can't believe how fast time flies and I feel like I've only been here for a really short time. I've dreamt of coming to Regent College for almost 5 years, before it was a reality. I applied for a copy of the catalogue and used to put up the pamphlet on my notice board at my office, and told myself ... maybe one day. I knew I was feeding a dream. Dare to dream. It was an impossible dream in my mind. Not with what I was earning as a full-time pastor in church. When one of my members told me she was interested to take some short term courses related to biblical studies , I did not hesitate to recommend and put my stamp of approval on Regent College. She went to do summer school in 2004. I had mixed feelings ... being so happy for her and was more than glad to offer any assistance she may need. Yet thinking, if only I could be the one going. In a sense it was kind of a test, I think. God wanted to see if I could be happy seeing that dream being fulfilled in someone else. It was as if I passed the test (only God knows) ... while the thought of 'if only' crossed my mind, it was not envy and I was truly happy for her, even offered to proof-read her papers. It was ironical because I didn't think I was qualified, but I did have experience studying part-time in Malaysian Bible Seminari.

Since I've been here I've experienced the grace of God in such rich and diverse ways. It's so humbling to know how much He loves me and see how He's accommodated to meet me where I am. He comes to me in His gentle and loving way, not demanding or reprimanding me although I know and feel I fully deserve rebuke. He comes beside me and invite me to Himself. It is a drawing and wooing that is full of compassion and grace. He does not shout His orders although He can rightly do so. But I feel as if His Spirit hovers me and covers me with His wings, especially when I felt overwhelmed and that the onslaught is too much. When I lacked faith and am afraid, He comes and assures me ... of His presence and His help that is near, filling my heart with peace. When I felt I've let Him down and a failure, He comes to me in the form of an encouraging pastor, who believes in second chances and tells me he believes in me. When I am burdened with guilt and shame, and feel I am not worthy to come before Him or look at Him, He invites me to confess my sins and extends His forgiveness even though I feel I have no right to ask for it, because I've failed so many times in the same area. Only God knows how broken I am inside but He is here to help me put the pieces together and offer to give me a new heart; new hope. Who is this God? Can He be for real? Isn't He too good to be true? Is it too risky to preach such a gospel? Of a God who loves us unconditionally? Who saves us at all cost? Who is wiling to offer 2nd chances again and again? It's crazy. It does not make sense ... not the kind of god that I can conjure in my wildest imagination. That's the kind of God I don't mind sharing with people about... that I can't help but share about.

The last year and a half has been nothing short of a miracle and an extravagant gift! An impossible dream that has come through. Almost everyday I wake up and can't help but smile as I think that I'm actually here studying! I feel like kissing the sunshine (not as excited to want to kiss the rain) when I walk outside. Love the fresh, cool and crisp air, and the cool temperatures here, which is really very mild compared to many parts of Canada and even US. I didn't think I would have this opportunity, nor thought it fit for me to ask ... but looking back I can say God is faithful. Very faithful indeed. He's looked out for me and provided me with all that I needed, even when I didn't know what it was I really needed. For example, He gave me friends who encouraged me with my cooking ... eating everything placed on the table without comment or criticism, which I would have made me cringed and tempted to give up in my attempts. I never lacked food, clothing, household items, etc and I have so many testimonies where the supply was so timely that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt God was meeting my needs. He's also opened doors for me to work part-time for most of my time here, at times even holding multiple jobs! I am really grateful for the friends I've made here. I enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to make initial connection but going deeper is another thing altogether. I have a very tight circle of close friends and am grateful for the gift of friendship. And in this transient community, it's not easy to make friends only to have to say goodbye when you've established the friendship. It's emotionally exhausting but that's the fact of life. The lyrics of a song goes like this "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger."

At this juncture, I am praying about my plan for the future. I'm not sure where God is leading me to and am seeking and discerning His will. My first inclination is to go on and complete the Master of Theology. It's a big step since I've never written anything close to a thesis, so this will be a whole new world. Others have done it and survived the ordeal ... some survive better than others. I'm in the process of applying for financial aid, bursary and scholarship, the outcome of will be a major determinant in this decision. The other important determinant is my grades. The College just raised the Grade Point Average requirement to enter the ThM program to 3.5 (that is out of 4), which is an A average. Ironically the required GPA to graduate with ThM is still 3.3. If both of these do not come true, i.e. I do not make the grade or am not granted sufficient scholarship, then it's no go and back to the drawing board. I have other options in mind if this does not come through but will not be looking at them just yet. Only have enough energy and time to look at this option for now. I want it enough to ask God for it but holding it loose enough for God to lead me onto a different path, because I have faith that if He does, it will only be a 'better' way.

Seek your prayer as I make my application and discern His guidance.