I am the Lord's Servant

Last week I was approached by my pastor to lead the multimedia team in my church. I've been helping out a couple of times the last few months, but I really did not see this coming. I had no plans to get involved in leadership in church here except to be an active member. I have my commitments in Regent and also helping out at the International Alpha. I felt this was quite enough on top of working, studies and still trying to have a life. I told myself (and God) if I accepted this, I wanted to know it's because I wanted it (or it's His will) and not because I didn't know how to say 'No'.

Multimedia is a ministry that I have always enjoyed doing. I was involved in this ministry for main worship service in my church. This was the ministry that I was involved in when I first started serving. Those days we used OHP and I grew with the ministry as the technology advanced. I was coordinating operators for the morning service in church even as a youth (late teens to early 20s). The highest point of my time in this ministry was to oversee the multimedia operations for one of the evenings of a nationwide Christian gathering in Stadium Merdeka. This is a national football stadium with a capacity of 50,000. I don't think I ever told anyone this but in the words of the Eric Lidell, the Olympics runner featured in 'Chariots of Fire', I'd say 'I know I've been called to other things like perhaps pastoring, but when I do multimedia, I feel his pleasure'. It's as simple as that.

However when this opportunity was presented to me, I hesitated. In fact everything within me wanted to turn it down because I felt I didn't need the hassle of coordinating other operators and certainly don't need more on my already very full plate. In a sense I was also a little disappointed. For some weeks prior to the email I received from my pastor, I've been visiting other churches and haven't been attending my own church. There was a little uneasiness within me about church, finding the community a little cold and difficult to integrate into. The friends that used to join me to worship here have all left and gone home for good. So I figured it was a good time to reconsider if I really should stay. The reason I chose this church in the first place is because this was a place I met with God each time I went. I enjoy the worship and preaching. The pastors are a great bunch!

My hesitation is also personal as I was afraid of taking up leadership. It's not like I can't do leadership because I know I can, and even am naturally inclined to it. Yet I'm afraid. I didn't like the 'pedestal' that people put you on when you become a leader. You become a target for unwarranted and unsolicited criticism. People feel they have a right, even an obligation, to give you a piece of their mind about everything and anything about your life simply because you're a leader. I also felt that leaders are assumed to be spiritual and doing well spiritually, which is another false expectation I felt was impossible to live by. This is extremely hazardous for the soul because I know if I'm not careful, I can easily buy into this image of spirituality which really has no basis. I can be walking in sin and living a double life behind the title and 'robe' and still people want to think, and assume, I'm doing ok. It's not real. I'm tired of the charades or letting people down when I tell them I'm hopelessly sinful!

Then I went to church the following day, after my pastor's invitation to take up this responsiblity. God hit me with the message on leadership from Nehemiah! Baam! I couldn't have missed it. I felt challenged to make a difference by accepting this responsiblity, and leading with a different attitude and spirit. Then the pastor who was speaking made a comment at the end about how being a leader is like wearing a target board, and people like to use us for target practice! I knew God had spoken but I was still stubborn. The reluctance to accept more responsiblity is overwhelming and I could not overcome it. So I prayed and asked God to confirm what he wanted me to do. If he wanted me to accept it, then he had to change my heart about it.

The night before last Sunday service, I was praying hard because I knew I had to give a reply to my pastor soon. I struggled and admitted to God that I was afraid of making mistakes. I saw many of the mistakes I've made in the past and I did not want to stumble others or put his name to shame. I asked him to forgive me for the times when I've ministered, many times, out of my own strength. Sometimes he is so gentle and have been my silent partner, that I even imagined that I've been doing the work on my own. At times it felt like everything was so well planned, it did not really matter if God turned up for the service... things will run status quo, with or without him. Since I've been involved in this ministry previously, I was afraid that I would depend on my strength and experience, instead of him as I should. So I prayed that God will help me hear him clearly if He'd speak to me again to confirm this matter. I was half doubting I'd hear him, wondering if I'd make things up in my mind and assume it was God. I asked him to speak in such a way that my mind cannot pose any doubts that He has spoken. It's almost like I'm testing God.

The following Sunday, I went to church and during the worship, the Lord reminded me powerfully that he has forgiven me of all my sins and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. Then, lo and behold, the pastor was speaking about how each of us should take up our position and do our part in the kingdom of God - still part of the Nehemiah series. A much needed reminder. The pastor then issued a challenge for us to respond to God and be open for him to use us as he wants to. I stepped forward for prayer and the senior pastor prayed for me. One thing I was grateful for was he reminded me that when I accept God's invitation to serve, it is a partnership with God. He calls me to participate with him in the work that HE is already doing. He does not want me to run ahead of him in my own strength, as I know I'm always tempted to do because I'm basically a very driven person, but to keep step with him. Then my senior pastor very gently but firmly assured me that if I were to accept any responsiblity in this church, I can always tell them if I need to take a break or I'm reaching the limit in terms of the load I'm able to handle.

It was very encouraging for me to see how God come to me at my level to meet me in such a gentle and loving way. He could easily have rebuked me since I should know better and simply issued a command because He is sovereign. He is perfectly entitled to do so but he chose to reveal his will in this humble manner. Condescending to my requests for confirmation, he even made sure I heard him loud and clear. He softened my heart with his compassion and again I'm reminded that it is his goodness that leads us to repentance (Rom 2:4). I am grateful he knows my fears and understands that in the depth of my heart I do want to serve him but want to do so out of a pure heart and in response to his call. For someone who has no qualms of taking on new challenges and responsiblities, this is quite a change. Since this is a ministry is one I've been involved previously, my usual self would not consider this ministry much of a challenge, and would have taken it up in no time. But it would have been based on my own strength, experience and simply the fact that I know this is a ministry I enjoy doing and that he delights in the worship I offer in the form of this service. Yet the unwillingness to simply assume responsiblity and even to feel the need to depend on God, is a new development for me. I see this as a positive development and a sign of God's hand at work in my life.

Finally, later that Sunday, my pastor who is in charge of multimedia, encouraged me with an amazing piece of news. The LCD projector that we've been using have been giving a lot of trouble and it costs as much to repair as it would to replace it. The church leadership have twice appealed to the members to pray and consider giving towards this need. After yesterday's sermon, a young man felt convicted and told the pastor he would bear the whole cost of replacing the projector! He is just a teenage student and his heart is simply passionate for God which can be seen in his willingness to give sacrificially. I know God will honour him and bless him much in return. But this has really challenged me to consider if I'm willing to serve sacrificially to build up the house of God.