Expressing Anger

I attended a talk this week in College on ‘The Arrogance of Expectations: Reflections on Anger’. The speaker was Dr Rod Wilson, the President of Regent College, who’s a trained and experienced psychologist, who has written 2 books on this topic. This was one of the most enlightening talks on this topic I’ve attended – the sad truth is I’ve not heard many address this topic in the Christian circle. Or perhaps I should say, I’ve not many positive things said about this topic in the Christian circle. Another reason why I found this session particularly is probably due to the fact that the Lord has been dealing with me in this area.

The first thing that struck me was the strong affirmation that there is a place for anger and even the proper expression of anger. He emphasised that this to be true especially for women, for Christians and for Christian leaders – which I can identify with all 3 categories. A lot of times, the signal given to women is that it is inappropriate for women to express anger, and all sorts of labels are attached to a woman who is angry, which is not attributed to the male counterpart. That explains why a lot more women are depressed, a sign of anger turned inwards. The real issue behind anger is power, and we often resort to anger to render the other person powerless. Sometimes anger is used against those in authority, because those who are under authority feel powerless in the relationship and seek to regain power by showing one’s anger. However since it is deemed inappropriate for women to express her anger in such a manner, she will resort to tears both as a means to express her anger and to regain power in a relationship. This is most often played out in marriage relationships, or between mother and her son, especially if he's a married adult son. Many men readily admit that they can handle and deal with anger anytime but find themselves quite powerless against tears. Therefore it is important for both men and women to correct this notion about the propriety of women to express an emotion that is very much part of being angry.

The other category is Christian and this have been so misconceived. Bible say in your anger do not sin, and do not let the sun go down on your anger. The former is at times interpreted as it is ok to feel some anger but it’s not right to express it and we simply have to forgive the other party. Some read the latter as we should try to talk late into the night and try to resolve every issue before we go to bed. Not that that’s a bad idea, but it is neat to be reminded that, even there, the sun has long set while you are trying to talk things through! God expresses this emotion and I believe it is a valid emotion to be expressed. God’s anger is a righteous anger and thus it is right to be angry at injustice, and allow that anger to propel us to action because anger itself is loaded with energy. But I’m cautious when we mask our anger, which we feel has no appropriate outlet of expression, and channel to these causes. It is an attempt to express anger through a channel which may have nothing to do with the real source of our anger that we have not dealt with. This can result in a hugely disproportionate amount of anger manifested for the cause we support. For example a mum whose child has been killed by a drunk driver may channel her anger by joining a group for moms in similar situations. This is an activist organisation which propagates against drunk driving. However if she does not deal with her own anger and seek to forgive the person who killed her child, she may react with a disproportionate level of anger when she comes across another teenager who’s guilty of drunk driving. On the contrary, she may experience the release of forgiveness by ‘forgiving’ this particular teenager.

Very often in the Asian culture, the expression of anger, especially against a person who is in authority, more senior in age, rank and financial or social status is wholly inappropriate. Thus anger is often turned inward or expressed by cold, detached and silent treatment. The latter is very harmful but powerful because it spells rejection. Thus instead of ‘connecting’ by proper expression of anger, we withdraw and hope the other person would give in, playing on their fear of rejection. This again is a manipulation technique trying to ‘overpower’ the other person. Another thing is there’s a lot of rage and disproportionate display of anger on the roads, when anger is continually suppressed against perhaps bosses and situations at work or at home.

There’s a lot more I can share about owning our anger, taking responsibility for our response and how our expectations set us up. This is especially true when the person is close to us, as the closer we are in relationship with someone, the more expectations we have. We can also learn to read how our body signals to us when are feeling angry. But for now I think it is sufficient to look at just the issue of expressing anger, an emotion that we often fail to validate. Sometimes we hide and suppress it so well, we might not be conscious that this issue is bothering us. This has helped me to see how my own anger has sometimes been so deeply suppressed that the only time they emerge is through my dreams. I recently had a dream of a full-scale confrontation with someone in authority, whom I dearly love and respect but have never had the courage to confront. The whole scenario was so real and the pain was very real too. On other occasions I have dreamt that someone close to me, again in authority, had passed away and I was unable to grieve. I pray for the Lord’s mercy as He helps me work through these different issues.

p/s: Drop me a line if you want to know more of some of these thoughts which I have not been able to cover with more detail.