Confronting Prayer-lessness & Being Confronted

Recently I was having a discussion with my pastor-friend about my struggles with prayer. I was sharing with him that sometimes I am so plagued with doubts that paralyse me and find it hard to pray. He reminded me very simply that we pray because it's our lifeline, that we need to pray. That is prayer is not about doing a duty ... because we have to. Even if I didn't have to, I needed to. I know I needed to hear that.

Life is tough and always seem to drag me in different directions. Very often, I feel fragmented and frazzled by the frentic pace of life and tend to be driven. But when I stop, before I rush head on into the day, it helps me see things in perspective. Simply pause and breathe deeply, refusing to let the clock dictate my life or my scheduler to be my master is a discipline. In that act of stopping, I make a profound proclamation to myself and the world, that Jesus is my Lord and He alone is the Master of my life.

I know my struggle with prayer is the fact that I see it as a chore, another thing that I have to fit into my already busy schedule. I do it out of a sense of duty and obligation, as if God should be happy with me for keeping up with this spiritual discipline. When in fact I should be the one who should be grateful for this awesome privilege. Yet I take it lightly and like Esau, fail to appreciate my birthright as a child of God. How this must grieve Him.

Often I'm driven from prayer because of guilt, with a heavy sense of my own brokenness and failures. I feel unworthy to appear before Him, a perfect and holy God, to bring my petitions. Usually the devil brings condemnation, a vague sense of all the wrongs I've committed, instead of conviction by the Holy Spirit about a specific offence that has grieved Him. This leads to me feeling more guilty because I don't feel like praying. Finally this is compounded by more guilt as I feel I ought to be praying more. It's a vicious cycle.

After that meeting with my friend, it felt good to come out clean with the Lord and before someone else. But the Lord was not done with me and almost as if He heard my lament, He gave me another response. The day following that discussion, which was Friday evening, one of the guys at Alpha gave a very powerful illustration about building faith muscles. He shared that for those who work out and lift weights, they are always pushing their muscles to the point that it tears slightly. This will hurt but it is in the recovery that one develops bigger muscles. He then explains that doubts are necessary to push us to build bigger faith muscles. It's only when we discover the 'breaking point' of our faith that we really exercise it and know how strong our faith is! It's as if God is assuring me that He knows my doubts and they do not bother him. He's not the least threatened by them but is willing and big enough to take them on. Many of my doubts are really a failure to reconcile what my faith with my experience in life.

Then on Sunday, my pastor in church preaching what he called was a very simple message to serve as a reminder for all of us. He opened his sermon with an illustration of Christians tending in our 'resignation' letter to God on prayer as if telling Him, I've tried the prayer thing and it doesn't work, so I quit. He went on to preach on the parable of the persistent widow and the unjust judge. Do you ever get this sneaky feeling that God is listening in to what you say? Well, this was one of those occassion for me. It freaked me out but also overwhelmed me! The only response, only appropriate response, was to bow my knee and worship, because 'You alone are God and beside You, there is no other'.

However being the pragmatic that I am, I knew I cannot stay motivated to pray if my main motivation for praying, or praying more, is guilt. Thus I came before Him, completely broken and repented of my prayerlessness. I readily admit to Him that I do not have a natural desire to pray. I prayed for a desire to pray and a hunger for Him. I reckoned if He can make me with an appetite for physical food and make my stomach growl when I'm hungry, He can do the same for me spiritually. In time to come, I might even acquire a taste for prayer like I do for food, well, certain foods at least, and might even start to crave for prayer. Until then, I'd be happy to feel hunger pangs to remind me to pray. Of course I realise this is a dangerous prayer because most often, the urgency to pray is accompanied by crisis. Then again, what does it matter if I gain the whole world and lose my soul? Thus if a crisis (or a series of them! oh no ... ) is what it takes, then crisis it will be. I am hoping (and I think He is too) that I will learn to do so without having to call for such drastic measures.

I don't know if anyone else shares this struggle but I hope this would serve as an encouragement for fellow pilgrims.