Passion Week

God never fail to amaze me. I cannot comprehend why He would want to use an imperfect vessel like me - I should know I guess. How else will He get the glory? He's insisted to use me when I feel so lousy, inadequate and unfit for his service. He could always get one more qualified than me. When will I get it into my head that He qualifies us by His appointment, and it's never been, nor ever will be, about my worthi-ness. This is one army where you are drafted based on your disqualification. I look at the heroes in the Bible and sometimes I venerate them and make them out to be such a saint or demi-god. I believe that's why the Bible insists on recording their failures, and some may think this is to its own detriment and embarrassment. These records serve as a reminder throughout history that God is the real Hero of this story. I'm glad the Bible didn't censor these less 'glorifying' moments.

I just finished reading Soul Survivor and the last person featured there was Henri Nouwen. Yancey described the pain and struggles that Nouwen went through even in the midst of his acclaimed fame. He continued to experienced brokenness and strong fear of rejection, while his writing was encouraging many to grow spiritually. He continued to live with these struggles and fought them but never ceased to minister to others in spite of his pain. Someone commented about Nouwen, saying that it was disappointing to trace Nouwen's writings over the span of 10 years, and find that he was the same person, struggling with the same issues, only probably in a different situation. For Nouwen, there was no 'spiritual breakthrough' or dramatic deliverance. In his books, he does not provide a 7-steps to Freedom or 10 ways to cultivate Spirituality, nor a solution for getting out of the rut, but only the daily reliance on the Saviour.

So, yes, while I believe and know that my purpose in life is to live for the glory of God, it does not always feel like I'm living up to that. I constantly fall short and am mindful of my failures. When I focus on the failures, I feel so discouraged and almost prepared to throw in the towel. I tried and almost tired of trying; I am resigned to the fact that I cannot do anything good.... I cannot help but fail, and fail miserably. It is at these times, that I find myself at the Cross. Throwing myself at this 'helpless', vulnerable, weak, fragile God... He took my frailty, my humanity, my sin, failures, weaknesses, hopelessness and bore it all on the Cross on my behalf.

For that I am truly grateful. Thankful to be reminded that he works in me and through me. As I approach Passion Week, I am again brought to my knees as I consider the price He paid to achieve this. He did it so that I can be free from the need to 'achieve' His standards of holiness which are impossible, by my own strength. I know He will continue to use me as long as I am willing to be used by Him. Any fruit or result from such ministry is entirely a work of His grace. Nothing that I can boast about. May He alone be exalted and given all glory due to Him.

Tonight I am humbled again by the opportunity He offers me to particpate in the work He is doing. I am always conscious of my poor command of Mandarin and readily acknowledge that many others are more qualified than me in the Alpha group. However this evening I was called to sit in and to act as the translator, since the more eloquent ones happened not to be around. Me? God sure has a sense of humour. Nevertheless, I am grateful for the lively discussion with lots of input, comments and questions from the group which continued until we had to chase people out of the house. I always had a burden to minister to Chinese nationals but have felt unqualified to do so. It is amazing how He's brought me here and put me in this group, oblivion to my protest of my inadequacy! All He asks of me is to remain available, be faithful where I am and continue to offer up my 5 loaves and 2 fish. He can do as He pleases with what I have to offer Him. My part is to surrender myself to Him, and let Him take care of the rest.