The Way, the Truth and the Life

I've been studying, studying and studying. There are side effects. I can't help but start imagining that St Peter would at the Golden Gate, and start testing me on how much I've studied. Some examples of this would be whether I was a 'Calvin' follower or do I adopt the Arminist's position; question me on my denomination (!), how much I remember from the Old Testament course or how much I scored on the horrible Christian Thought and Culture exam! No seriously, I wonder if I'm the only one who imagine that God grants us entrance to Heaven based on what we believe (note, not eternal life, nor based on why we believe). A matter of whether I got my theology right. I guess perhaps it also has to do with my personal disposition in wanting to know, believe and do what is 'right'. As if that's all that matters. It's as if to say, 'Lord, if I get it right, You must let me in'. Well, needless to say, this 'idea' itself is based on pretty bad theology and a pathetic understanding on the unconditional love and abundant grace of God. Nevertheless I do believe in pursuing truth ... that's why am spending this time in my life (and so much money!) to seek truth, and also because I desire to learn the discipline of thinking.

One reason why I try to grapple through these different issues is because I've been pretty confused about some of them. I've since found out that there are a lot of historical background to the development of diverse thoughts, ideas and even doctrines, as the church responded to the changing times. Being open to these various ideas have its consequences has led me to re-evaluate many of my own beliefs. While I do want to do this, it is also very painful. I'm not saying that I've only started to have these questions since coming to Regent, but in fact they were probably what prompted me to come here. Well, there are a lot of people here in the same frame of mind, and some admit it quite readily. It's a safe place to do 'test' our faith ... together. I guess I'm no longer satisfied to be told what to believe and that tend to happen a lot in churches, especially back home, if I may say so. Generally we're not encouraged to think and tend to be pretty shielded from all the 'wrong' theology. Partly we are also too lazy to think; rather be spoon-fed or told to 'just believe'. I suppose that's not good enough for me. Not anymore. Having said that, I'd be the first to admit that I am and can be persuaded by many factors, and I'm afraid it's not reason based on Scripture alone either. Anything ranging from emotional convictions, persuasiveness and sad to say, charisma of a speaker, logical arguments, etc.

Besides wanting to know what I should believe in, I also struggle to reconcile what I believe with practice and reality. Yes, I may confess that Christ is Lord of all the earth and that He is in control. But often reality seem to say otherwise. Am I fooling myself? Sure it's easy for me to confess that Jesus is Lord of my life ... but I know better than anyone, how often that fails to be lived out in my life. And for this, I can't even fool myself nor those around me. The disparity between my confessional belief and reality bothers me. Yes, I find it very troubling, at times to the point of despair. I know we're living between the tension of the already and not-yet, and tension is definitely the right word. Thus while the kingdom of God has already come, both in the world and in my life, it has not fully come and will only perfectly come when He returns. We have to live with both realities. Faulty doctrines and practices mostly arise out of an over-emphasis on either reality.

In the midst of these struggles, the Lord reminded me of one crucial fact - He is the Truth, the Way and the Life. I am first and foremost called to believe in the person of Jesus Christ, who is the Truth. Then He led me to the Cross. It's like as if He knew how concrete I needed things to be, and brought me to the Cross by inviting me to the Lord's Table, to partake of the bread and the wine. As I partook of the elements, the experience penetrated right through all these ideas that have been building up like cobwebs in my mind, as it involved all my five senses. It was here that I knelt and experienced His love profoundly amidst my confusion. I could not help but once again confessed Him as my Lord and Saviour. As if that's not enough, I took Communion twice that weekend. He also gave me friends whom I could voiced my doubts without fear of what they'll think of me or how it'll 'influence' them. Again, it's blood and flesh, with eyes to see, ears to listen, arms to hold me and mouths who could utter prayer on my behalf. I admit I don't know how the whole salvation thing will work out, I may never figure out exactly how church works, or ever fully comprehend the interplay between God's sovereignty and man's free will ... but this I always know - Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. And it's this knowledge that enables me to keep praying:
Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be Your Name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation
But deliver us from evil (the evil one).
For Yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever.
Amen.

Does this mean I will stop seeking to find out more and study more to discover the truth? Definitely not. In fact I am completely free to seek understanding of different truths precisely because I know the Truth; more importantly, because the Truth knows and loves me.