Thoughts about sexuality and marriage

Sometimes I feel God sneaks up on us, pull a fast one and have a good laugh. Not in a mean way, but in a fun kind of way. I went to the Midnight Madness Booksale, that takes place at the end of each term, telling myself I'll be disciplined. I surprised myself when I bought 1 book and 1 pretty expensive journal (literally very pretty too). I came back and started reading the book, which is past midnight now... and finished more than 80% of it by this morning (I did sleep in between). Those who know me well will know that this is rare as I'm fond of collecting books and still have not read half of my collection. The reason I felt God sneaked up on me was because earlier this week, I had asked him a few questions. One of it was, 'Lord, if you hate divorce but permitted it because of the hardness of man's heart, would you also permit remarriage?'. One more question along this line was the idea of polygamy in the Old Testament, which was an acceptable practice in those days especially for the sake of begetting a child. Also Solomon came through Bathsheba, incorporating both mother and son in the lineage that Jesus would come from - was her union with David blessed in the eyes of God? Albeit she was a widow and a victim when she married David, yet would the priest in those days (if they had to give their blessings for the marriage) able to bless the union before God, knowing full well the circumstances of this union? It may seem kinda silly to ask such questions, but I did ask them (even wrote them down in my journal) and I guess God heard it! While I am thrilled for the answer, it still blows me away when God actually answers, even what seemed like silly questions.

In light of today being World AIDS Day, I believe it's appropriate that I read and recommend this book, 'Sexual Ethics: an Evangelical Perspective' by Stanley Grenz (he has another book by a similar title, 'Sexual Ethics: a Biblical Perspective'). It's as if this is the book that I've been waiting for, and reading it has addressed so many of the questions I've had about sexuality, marriage, etc. My interest in this topic started many years back when I first joined the pastorate. I used to ask my older, married colleagues, if they believed that marriage was a good thing and whether it was good for everyone (i.e. would they recommend it for everyone), and why. Many were stumped by the questions, and while most would answer a vehement Yes, to the first question, the answers to the last and third question were mostly weak. Of course I wasn't asking them to write an essay on the subject, and they may never have been confronted with such questions. My motivation was both personal as well as pastoral. At that time, I wanted to know what was God's plan for human sexuality and marriage. As a single woman, I felt that many of the traditional, social, economical reasons that often prompted a woman to get married are no longer applicable, or less relevant today. Women do not get the better end of the bargain in marriage compared to the man, and sometimes I would jokingly mention that I wouldn't mind getting a wife myself. As an aside, I've seen wives of my male friends who work and support while their husband study; cook, wash, iron and take care of the house chores; clean, feed and care for the kids; do banking, shopping and run errands; remind them of important birthdays, keep track of their appointments, even send emails and update their facebook for them!

While there is much affirmation of the single person in the world and workplace, they somehow do not find the same affirmation in church. In a family-oriented church, the message seems to be that the purpose of singlehood is simply to prepare for marriage. The church does not always do a good job ministering to the needs of single adults. This is most apparent in home groups, where majority of the people are married and many have children, if not, grown children. In contrast, my church in Vancouver gives out flowers to every lady in the congregation on Mother's Day! If marriage is the divine will for all, then where does the single person fit it in that divine design? In a sex-charged environment like ours, many battle trying to maintain sexual purity and young people are always told to wait until they are married. While this is right, I doubt that this provides the best or highest reason for getting married. Marriage is much more about sex and married people know they have to deal with issues of their sexuality as well. This range from having a satisfying sex life, not being able to have sex for a variety of reasons, or changes in the expression of sexuality as the couple age. Even the use of language reveal a change of attitude: instead of making love we speak of having sex, betraying a consumerist mindset. Other questions include can you be whole if you do not get married? Can single people have wholesome relationship with members of the opposite sex, whether single or married? One thing that Grenz emphasized is that sexuality is so much more than just genital sex or sexual intercourse. I am reminded of a lecture presented passionately by Cherith Fee-Nordling, reminding us that as embodied being, we are sexual beings. While there may not be sex and marriage in eternity, we will still relate with each other as male and female. I believe she made her case and it has made me wonder what would that look like.

In the first few years of my career as a lawyer, I was brought face-to-face with the hard reality of divorce and the breakdown of marriage. At that time in my life, I have attended more divorce proceedings than weddings, added together. I saw a couple who spent a year preparing for their wedding and spent less time in that marriage, before they petitioned for a divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also saw that Christians were not exempted from this reality. Can marriage still be assumed to be right, safe, wise thing to do? for everyone? Even then, ministering to people who are considering divorce brought up a lot of questions for me. How can the church minister to those who are going through this difficult process? These questions grew in my role as a pastor, as we discussed about issues of remarriage, whether we should publicly give our blessings to such union, that is, whether there is any difference between conducting a marriage ceremony and, leading the couple to make a vow before God and offering our blessing. If we do not, are we saying that these unions are not honoured and blessed by God? Would they nevertheless be man and wife in the eyes of God, as well as the law. We had certain policies and practices, but I did not always understand or agree with all of them. I had my own questions about whether we were consistent in our practices or did we have separate set of rules to apply to such situations, and if they were justified. As a single person, I wasn't sure if there was a place for me to offer my thoughts on these matters. But as a pastor for young adults, I knew I had to think through these questions because what we teach our young adults about marriage should be consistent with the counsel we offer when faced with the breakdown of marriage. Later I had questions about whether those who have divorced or remarried can be in positions of leadership in the church, or ordained as a minister. Again, I was looking for a theological basis for thinking through these issues, and even if we do decide to appoint these men (and women), what would be the considerations and guidelines.

Finally, I was always compassionate to the AIDS cause, and saw how Christians have been taught to moralise this disease. This is regretful but I guess it did not help that when I attended AIDS related conferences, the organisers were handing out free condoms, promoting safe sex and encouraging hospitals to offer free, unused IV needles (seen to be encouraging drug abuse). I understand their reasons for doing so, but it added the prejudice that the church had towards this disease, a prejudice which was also held by many in society, equating the disease with immorality, i.e. associated with homosexuals, sex workers and IV drug users. Like global warming and environmental issues, this is a cause that requires all of us to play our part in stopping it. And yes, underlying all these is our fallen and sinful nature which the church needs to address. But through this, it led me to think about ministering to those who are sexually broken, be it homosexuality or sexual addiction, especially in light of various incidents of renown ministers of God falling in this area. What is the Good News that we present to those struggling with these issues? Calling them names and telling them that what they do is an abomination to God, is hardly the best place to start. In the past, the Church unfortunately is seen to have done very little beyond that. While things are slowly changing, conservative evangelicals are sometimes still viewed in this manner today.

The issue of homosexuality is one that I have given further thought to, looking at the implications of it, if it is indeed a 'natural' orientation as some argue. I knew that our theology (i.e. what we really believe, whether or not we articulate it, or articulate it well) will form and determine our policies and actions. The Church cannot effectively reach out and offer love and acceptance to those struggling with homosexuality unless we truly believe that God loves them. How can we demonstrate such love and yet be consistent in our proclamation that homosexual practices are sinful? Should we and how can we embrace such couples into the family of God? Back home, homosexuality is not endorsed in general and people are not as open about such relationships. However I don't believe that means the church can ignore or avoid this issue. Being in Vancouver the last 2 years, these are very real issues for the churches here as same sex unions are given legal recognition. That means long term, monogamous relationship with the commitment of marital vow is a real possibility. The churches are painfully split on this issue as they decide if they should give their blessings to such unions. Sending them to the next church that would give their blessings is hardly a solution!

I've mentioned about policies and practices a few times, my concern for this is because I believe every church has to decide on these matters and thus should do it consistently with teaching of Scriptures and spirit of Christ. I do not care for a legalistic approach which applies the rule without regards for the individual and the unique circumstances of each case. Loving the person without addressing the sin is not loving in truth, but truth without love is deadly. While the church decides on the stand it will take on a particular matter taking into account the reality of our times, our primary concern should be for the person/s whom we are dealing with. It is important that the stand we take should be well thought through, it is just as important, if not more, that we should give consideration on how we implement these stands and offer to lovingly uphold those who are struggling in these areas. I have read books talking about sex and dating books, calling for abstinence in preparation for marriage. other books on marriage and sexuality, which tend to be restricted to upholding the value of sex within the bonds of marriage and address issues like infidelity. There are a few that has truly uphold the biblical model and provide both sound theological basis and practical reasons for marriage.

The books I've read on divorce and remarriage tends to establish grounds for when divorce is justified and whether remarriage is possible for Christians with considerations of the practical difficulties of these relationships in the new marriage. Books on singlehood tend to uphold Jesus and Paul as model of singles, and exhort singleness for more effective service in Christian ministry. The books written on homosexuality often promote certain agendas which colour the way the Bible is read and interpreted. Grenz deals with all these issues that I've raised above and more. It's a really neat book that address the whole realm of human sexuality, including ethics of contraceptions and abortion, as well as techniques to assist procreation. He sets out the theological and ethical consideration based upon Scripture and provides thoughtful application of these biblical principles for the church in dealing with these issues today. He also lays out the arguments that have been raised for the different positions. You may not agree with all his stands but if you don't, you should be prepared to give a well thought-through, theologically-sound reason for it. I find myself resonating with his perspective on many of these issues, providing a good platform for thinking through and conversing about these matters. In doing so, we need to always bear in mind the bigger picture of what the Bible teaches about human sexuality as a whole. This book is definitely one the best investments I've made!

P/s: Most of my posts on this blog are directly exported to my Facebook account. Those who are already connected on Facebook can access it there. I will continue to post my blogs here if I think they are too personal, and for general access for those who do not subscribe to Facebook.

pp/s: You probably already notice that this is not a book review, but simply sharing of my thoughts some matters that matters to me. A number of writers have written on human sexuality and gender. Last summer Regent offered at least 2 summer courses on this topic and the summer before, a course dealing with addictions which included sexual addiction. I know of at least 2 courses being offered on this topic this summer, including one by Cherith Fee-Nordling entitled 'Holy and Wholly Embodied: The Incarnation and Why It Matters Every Day'. You can probably see that this subject is indeed gaining popularity, or perhaps you can say, it's finally coming out of the closet.
2 excellent lectures which I've heard that has really inspired me, is firstly by Cherith, 'To Be or Not To Be: Bodily Resurrection or Immortality of the Soul' (Summer 2005, Public Evening Lecture) and secondly Sarah Williams during Christian Thought and Culture class (Winter 2006) - the audio recording for this lecture is now available: A Sexual Reformation? Marriage and Sexuality in the Contemporary Paradigm