Looks like I'm not the only one who struggle with the Sermon on the Mount.
This is the link to a fellow Regent student's blog and her thoughts on the Sermon after a class with one of our beloved Regent faculty, Darrell Johnson.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Worth the price of admission
I'm sure you've come across a thought when reading a book or attending a seminar which makes you feel like that idea/quote itself is worth the price of admission (or the cost of the book). Knowing how expensive our classes are in Regent, we have a collection of quotes which we feature in our weekly students' newsletter, "The Et Cetera". In our Soul of Ministry class this week, I felt a light bulb turned on in my head with the following statements which I felt qualified as 'worth the price of admission' for that class, if not the entire course!
1. Obstacles in our journey of faith are meant to develop our faith and help us grow. They are not evidence that our faith does not work.
2. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty!
These statements were said back-to-back with hardly a pause between them, the former was by lecturer and the latter by a fellow student. Just before that class, I was sharing with my professor how I could reconsider the way I view matters of faith in strictly black and white categories, and make room for more gray. By this I do not mean that there is no black and white in moral issues, but I am learning to see that not everything can easily and simply (or simplistically) be categorised as black or white. It causes us to assume we are able to make that judgment accurately in every situation. Black and white makes things manageable and gives us a sense of security - but this is a false sense of security. Such clear cut categories leaves no room for grace because grace is often gray. It is learning to see that in every situation, even in the bleakest, darkest, most broken and marred by sin, there is forgiveness, redemption and hope. Grace is scandalous ... and my mind struggles to maintain the paradox. It was as if God was listening to our conversation (which we prayed He would and acknowledged that He did) and prepared me for His answer in class.
The first statement has tripped me up for a long time. I've often, and have been doing so for a long time, wondered at my failure to live up to my 'faith'. In my previous blogs I've asked the question of whether the Sermon on the Mount is prescriptive or descriptive, prompted by my struggle with my failure to live up to the demands of Christ. If you think the 10 commandments is difficult, I think the Sermon on the Mount is impossible - well, almost impossible at least. I've tended to conclude that since it's impossible, then I might as well forget it altogether cause who am I fooling? (Notice the all-or-nothing/ black-and-white categories, and you can imagine how this would affect my view of legal practice, the pastoral ministry or relationships!) Why claim to be a Christian and not live up to the most basic teaching of Christ? Why bother? Who is that going to impress?
Rather than looking at faith as a practice, something that I can never perfect on this side of heaven but am constantly practising and will always have to keep practising... Instead of seeing them as opportunities for my faith to be stretched and grow (and even to correct my wrong ideas about faith), I tend to conclude that my faith does not work and tempted to give it up altogether. I know this sounds crazy and I'm learning to identify some of these faulty belief system that I default to in my thinking pattern and analysis of things that happen in life. Thus I am reminded that we always live up to our faith, not to our professed system of belief - and we spend a life time closing the gap. Someone helpfully pointed out to me that the Sermon on the Mount is not a requirement to get in the kingdom, or to remain in the kingdom, but it would be best for us if we live by it, or at least seek to do so. That gives me such a sense of liberty, to want to follow it, or at least attempt to do so, rather than doing it because I have to.
Opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. We want to figure everything out and know what's coming up ahead, or predict the outcome. If we are able to do that, we don't need faith. We don't need God. We become god or are gods. I know there's a sense of assurance that accompanies faith and I'm not talking about that. However the opposite of faith is to be in control. We want to reach a point where we do not need God. Have you thought about how we constantly ask God for healing, provision, peace, etc ... what if He gave us all that - would we still need Him? Should we not be like the Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 who prayed, 'Lord, do not make me so poor that I curse You, or so rich that I have no need for You'? I'd rather anytime remain in the place in need of faith and in need of God, and trusting that He knows our needs and is faithful to provide for us according to His riches in Christ Jesus.
As I reflect on my time here in Regent College, I can see how the Lord has been at work in my life all these years. I've gone through over 5 years of deconstruction prior to coming to Regent. that has prepared me for this season. This probably why I've desired to come to Regent and have kept that dream to do so for more than 5 years before I finally came. But the Lord knew I was not ready to come, not yet. I can see that He has brought me here to reconstruct some of my belief systems. I know He is still working on me and will continue to do so until He returns, or when He calls me home. It is out of His love that He has drawn me and brought me here, giving me a yearning for more of Him - for the real Him. It is because of His grace that I am able to go through this journey towards healing and look at life with fresh hope. Sounds like I'm going through a conversion process. Indeed I'm looking forward to celebrating this Easter with a renewed sense of God's amazing and abundant grace!
1. Obstacles in our journey of faith are meant to develop our faith and help us grow. They are not evidence that our faith does not work.
2. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty!
These statements were said back-to-back with hardly a pause between them, the former was by lecturer and the latter by a fellow student. Just before that class, I was sharing with my professor how I could reconsider the way I view matters of faith in strictly black and white categories, and make room for more gray. By this I do not mean that there is no black and white in moral issues, but I am learning to see that not everything can easily and simply (or simplistically) be categorised as black or white. It causes us to assume we are able to make that judgment accurately in every situation. Black and white makes things manageable and gives us a sense of security - but this is a false sense of security. Such clear cut categories leaves no room for grace because grace is often gray. It is learning to see that in every situation, even in the bleakest, darkest, most broken and marred by sin, there is forgiveness, redemption and hope. Grace is scandalous ... and my mind struggles to maintain the paradox. It was as if God was listening to our conversation (which we prayed He would and acknowledged that He did) and prepared me for His answer in class.
The first statement has tripped me up for a long time. I've often, and have been doing so for a long time, wondered at my failure to live up to my 'faith'. In my previous blogs I've asked the question of whether the Sermon on the Mount is prescriptive or descriptive, prompted by my struggle with my failure to live up to the demands of Christ. If you think the 10 commandments is difficult, I think the Sermon on the Mount is impossible - well, almost impossible at least. I've tended to conclude that since it's impossible, then I might as well forget it altogether cause who am I fooling? (Notice the all-or-nothing/ black-and-white categories, and you can imagine how this would affect my view of legal practice, the pastoral ministry or relationships!) Why claim to be a Christian and not live up to the most basic teaching of Christ? Why bother? Who is that going to impress?
Rather than looking at faith as a practice, something that I can never perfect on this side of heaven but am constantly practising and will always have to keep practising... Instead of seeing them as opportunities for my faith to be stretched and grow (and even to correct my wrong ideas about faith), I tend to conclude that my faith does not work and tempted to give it up altogether. I know this sounds crazy and I'm learning to identify some of these faulty belief system that I default to in my thinking pattern and analysis of things that happen in life. Thus I am reminded that we always live up to our faith, not to our professed system of belief - and we spend a life time closing the gap. Someone helpfully pointed out to me that the Sermon on the Mount is not a requirement to get in the kingdom, or to remain in the kingdom, but it would be best for us if we live by it, or at least seek to do so. That gives me such a sense of liberty, to want to follow it, or at least attempt to do so, rather than doing it because I have to.
Opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. We want to figure everything out and know what's coming up ahead, or predict the outcome. If we are able to do that, we don't need faith. We don't need God. We become god or are gods. I know there's a sense of assurance that accompanies faith and I'm not talking about that. However the opposite of faith is to be in control. We want to reach a point where we do not need God. Have you thought about how we constantly ask God for healing, provision, peace, etc ... what if He gave us all that - would we still need Him? Should we not be like the Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 who prayed, 'Lord, do not make me so poor that I curse You, or so rich that I have no need for You'? I'd rather anytime remain in the place in need of faith and in need of God, and trusting that He knows our needs and is faithful to provide for us according to His riches in Christ Jesus.
As I reflect on my time here in Regent College, I can see how the Lord has been at work in my life all these years. I've gone through over 5 years of deconstruction prior to coming to Regent. that has prepared me for this season. This probably why I've desired to come to Regent and have kept that dream to do so for more than 5 years before I finally came. But the Lord knew I was not ready to come, not yet. I can see that He has brought me here to reconstruct some of my belief systems. I know He is still working on me and will continue to do so until He returns, or when He calls me home. It is out of His love that He has drawn me and brought me here, giving me a yearning for more of Him - for the real Him. It is because of His grace that I am able to go through this journey towards healing and look at life with fresh hope. Sounds like I'm going through a conversion process. Indeed I'm looking forward to celebrating this Easter with a renewed sense of God's amazing and abundant grace!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Believe and Understand
I do not seek to understand so that I may believe,
but I believe so that I may understand;
and what is more,
I believe that unless I do believe I shall not understand.
Anselm (Proslogion)
Friday, March 02, 2007
Mistakes for a Perfectionist
My classmate shared with the class about how he grew up without a theology/ understanding for mistake, at home. I was intrigued by what he said but didn't quite get what he meant until the lecturer gave an illustration of it. A light kind of turned in my head as I immediately recognised that I didn't have nor make room for mistakes in my life. I know I'm not perfect and should not expect myself to be. Yet I find it hard to accept when I make a mistake and would usually be pretty hard on myself, especially when I feel I should know better. Even if I am not an expert in the matter but feel it is something I should know, it's still hard for me to accept my mistakes. For example if I've gone to a certain place before, I would usually be able to remember the directions to get there, and get pretty mad at myself when I don't. I put a lot of pressure on myself and would chide or beat up myself (sometime hit myself on the head physically) when I don't remember. It's worse when I'm in the car and trying to direct someone else driving there, and being so sure of myself ... yes, my pride does get in the way too.
In my mind, mistakes were unacceptable - as if, I had to get things right all the time I even assume I am right most of the time, until proven otherwise. And I hate it when that happens. Somehow I got it in my system that it is catastrophic and unacceptable for me to make mistakes. I've alluded to this in some of my previous blogs. I don't do it consciously though, so when I think about my reaction towards my mistakes, I get a glimpse of my faulty belief system. I'm learning to understand what some of these are because I'm giving myself an impossible target and setting myself up for major disappointment and disillusionment.
I'm learning and re-programming my mind to see mistakes as just that... mistakes. It is not necessary to put a moral judgment on every mistake! A person is not bad because he or she makes a mistake. It is a mistake sure, so we admit the mistake and move on. Being wrong is not a sin. I admit I don't like being wrong or making mistakes and much rather get it right if I can help it. So I give it my best shot and learn to accept the outcome as my best effort. I seek to learn from the mistake when I try again next time and hopefully make improvements. But trying and not succeeding does not mean you're a failure. I know pride can complicate matters here, especially when our concern is about what people think of us when we fail to meet the mark, that is their (or our own) expectations.
Even when we put in less than our best effort and make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Can we really expect ourselves to perform at our top form all the time? We all have our off days and slip-ups do happen. Often we discredit people's best intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt that no one wants to make a mistake. Yet we make a big deal about the mistake, perhaps noticing their work only when the outcome is a mistake. Or even worse, we focus on the parts that has mistakes and completely ignore (and fail to acknowledge) the parts that are right. Children are known to react to such negative reinforcements by making more mistakes (perhaps unconsciously) in order to get our attention.
Being a Christian, as well as a leader, for so many years, there are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do but I find myself doing them. Sometimes they catch me by surprise because it's an area I thought I was pretty strong, and other times, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. It is extremely frustrating and very disturbing. It does not make sense to me because I assumed that since I 'know' so much, I should be able to do it and do it well. Truth be told is while I may 'know' a lot about what I ought to do, I don't really know how to do them. I have not practised it sufficiently and am far from having mastered it. Daily I am depending on Christ to strengthen me by his Spirit to help me walk and live faithfully before him.
Thus I'm the first to admit that sometimes mistake involves doing something wrong. Yes, it is wrong and it is also a mistake. We confess our sin and admit our mistake. And move on. I'm not saying it's ok for us to do wrong but I do not see the need nor the point for hitting ourselves on the head. We can't do penance for our wrong to make it right (that's not to say we don't try) and we need to do our best to make up to those whom we've wronged. It is not about blaming others for what I did or justifying the mistake by arguing that it is not really wrong because ... (and come up with an excuse).
We sometimes resort to these tactics because of pride, when we refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. But accepting responsibility for making a mistake does not mean we need to give ourselves a hard time. This would not guarantee we will never (mindful of using words like 'always' and 'never') make the same mistake again. Mistakes provide us opportunity to learn about ourselves, reminding us we are frail and human, and always in need of grace. It is definitely a humbling process. It is not my intention to excuse mistakes and wrongdoing, but often I know it is difficult for me to accept my own humanity and limitations. I am positive God has no issue accepting my humanity, even in my fallen state.
Life is tough without us making it harder for ourselves and others. When we make room for mistakes, we are less wound-up. When we are less worked up about making mistakes, we are more wiling to step out and make new attempts, able to see mistakes as part of the learning process. Most importantly, it will help me be more gracious with others and cut them some slack when they meet our expectations. Often we are less harsh in judging those who are not yet believers than our fellow brothers and sisters; with strangers than colleagues, friends and loved ones. We are in fact hardest on family members who are closest to us. But can you imagine the amount of pressure we exert on those around us when we make no room for mistakes and expect them to 'perform' at their best all the time ... when we ourselves can't do it? It's a definite relationship killer, and even worse, it is highly damaging for self-esteem and cause great insecurity.
For me, the most powerful demonstration of grace and compassion for mistakes which also constitute wrongdoing, is seen in Christ. Hanging on the Cross, he prayed for those who persecuted and had a part in killing him, saying "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He uttered this prayer for the Roman soldiers as well as the Pharisees who felt threatened by his popularity; for Judas as well as Peter; for you and for me. They may not really know that they are killing the Son of God, or may be led astray by other factors like greed or fear which undeniably are very powerful motivations ... but I doubt they did not know what they were doing was wrong. Yet the most righteous judge who is completely qualified to judge, choose instead to forgive us, and take the punishment for our sins on our behalf.
I remember one of my prof reminding us, it's pride to tell God that some of our sins are too great and there is no way he can (or should) forgive them. How dare we judge these mistakes by any other terms? Rather because he has first forgiven us, we adopt the attitude and posture of a forgiven sinner. Thus even when a mistake constitutes a sin, we can choose to view the mistakes of others with a heart of compassion and eyes of grace, and assume they know not what they do (even if they should know better or we've told them a million times not to do it). In doing that, we find we are able to forgive. This also applies to us forgiving ourselves.
In my mind, mistakes were unacceptable - as if, I had to get things right all the time I even assume I am right most of the time, until proven otherwise. And I hate it when that happens. Somehow I got it in my system that it is catastrophic and unacceptable for me to make mistakes. I've alluded to this in some of my previous blogs. I don't do it consciously though, so when I think about my reaction towards my mistakes, I get a glimpse of my faulty belief system. I'm learning to understand what some of these are because I'm giving myself an impossible target and setting myself up for major disappointment and disillusionment.
I'm learning and re-programming my mind to see mistakes as just that... mistakes. It is not necessary to put a moral judgment on every mistake! A person is not bad because he or she makes a mistake. It is a mistake sure, so we admit the mistake and move on. Being wrong is not a sin. I admit I don't like being wrong or making mistakes and much rather get it right if I can help it. So I give it my best shot and learn to accept the outcome as my best effort. I seek to learn from the mistake when I try again next time and hopefully make improvements. But trying and not succeeding does not mean you're a failure. I know pride can complicate matters here, especially when our concern is about what people think of us when we fail to meet the mark, that is their (or our own) expectations.
Even when we put in less than our best effort and make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Can we really expect ourselves to perform at our top form all the time? We all have our off days and slip-ups do happen. Often we discredit people's best intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt that no one wants to make a mistake. Yet we make a big deal about the mistake, perhaps noticing their work only when the outcome is a mistake. Or even worse, we focus on the parts that has mistakes and completely ignore (and fail to acknowledge) the parts that are right. Children are known to react to such negative reinforcements by making more mistakes (perhaps unconsciously) in order to get our attention.
Being a Christian, as well as a leader, for so many years, there are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do but I find myself doing them. Sometimes they catch me by surprise because it's an area I thought I was pretty strong, and other times, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. It is extremely frustrating and very disturbing. It does not make sense to me because I assumed that since I 'know' so much, I should be able to do it and do it well. Truth be told is while I may 'know' a lot about what I ought to do, I don't really know how to do them. I have not practised it sufficiently and am far from having mastered it. Daily I am depending on Christ to strengthen me by his Spirit to help me walk and live faithfully before him.
Thus I'm the first to admit that sometimes mistake involves doing something wrong. Yes, it is wrong and it is also a mistake. We confess our sin and admit our mistake. And move on. I'm not saying it's ok for us to do wrong but I do not see the need nor the point for hitting ourselves on the head. We can't do penance for our wrong to make it right (that's not to say we don't try) and we need to do our best to make up to those whom we've wronged. It is not about blaming others for what I did or justifying the mistake by arguing that it is not really wrong because ... (and come up with an excuse).
We sometimes resort to these tactics because of pride, when we refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. But accepting responsibility for making a mistake does not mean we need to give ourselves a hard time. This would not guarantee we will never (mindful of using words like 'always' and 'never') make the same mistake again. Mistakes provide us opportunity to learn about ourselves, reminding us we are frail and human, and always in need of grace. It is definitely a humbling process. It is not my intention to excuse mistakes and wrongdoing, but often I know it is difficult for me to accept my own humanity and limitations. I am positive God has no issue accepting my humanity, even in my fallen state.
Life is tough without us making it harder for ourselves and others. When we make room for mistakes, we are less wound-up. When we are less worked up about making mistakes, we are more wiling to step out and make new attempts, able to see mistakes as part of the learning process. Most importantly, it will help me be more gracious with others and cut them some slack when they meet our expectations. Often we are less harsh in judging those who are not yet believers than our fellow brothers and sisters; with strangers than colleagues, friends and loved ones. We are in fact hardest on family members who are closest to us. But can you imagine the amount of pressure we exert on those around us when we make no room for mistakes and expect them to 'perform' at their best all the time ... when we ourselves can't do it? It's a definite relationship killer, and even worse, it is highly damaging for self-esteem and cause great insecurity.
For me, the most powerful demonstration of grace and compassion for mistakes which also constitute wrongdoing, is seen in Christ. Hanging on the Cross, he prayed for those who persecuted and had a part in killing him, saying "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He uttered this prayer for the Roman soldiers as well as the Pharisees who felt threatened by his popularity; for Judas as well as Peter; for you and for me. They may not really know that they are killing the Son of God, or may be led astray by other factors like greed or fear which undeniably are very powerful motivations ... but I doubt they did not know what they were doing was wrong. Yet the most righteous judge who is completely qualified to judge, choose instead to forgive us, and take the punishment for our sins on our behalf.
I remember one of my prof reminding us, it's pride to tell God that some of our sins are too great and there is no way he can (or should) forgive them. How dare we judge these mistakes by any other terms? Rather because he has first forgiven us, we adopt the attitude and posture of a forgiven sinner. Thus even when a mistake constitutes a sin, we can choose to view the mistakes of others with a heart of compassion and eyes of grace, and assume they know not what they do (even if they should know better or we've told them a million times not to do it). In doing that, we find we are able to forgive. This also applies to us forgiving ourselves.
Friday, February 16, 2007
What next?
Crossroads. It's a funny place. And it does funny things to you. I'm at this place right now. I'm in my final term at Regent and will need only to take another 2 courses to complete the Master of Christian Studies. I can't believe how fast time flies and I feel like I've only been here for a really short time. I've dreamt of coming to Regent College for almost 5 years, before it was a reality. I applied for a copy of the catalogue and used to put up the pamphlet on my notice board at my office, and told myself ... maybe one day. I knew I was feeding a dream. Dare to dream. It was an impossible dream in my mind. Not with what I was earning as a full-time pastor in church. When one of my members told me she was interested to take some short term courses related to biblical studies , I did not hesitate to recommend and put my stamp of approval on Regent College. She went to do summer school in 2004. I had mixed feelings ... being so happy for her and was more than glad to offer any assistance she may need. Yet thinking, if only I could be the one going. In a sense it was kind of a test, I think. God wanted to see if I could be happy seeing that dream being fulfilled in someone else. It was as if I passed the test (only God knows) ... while the thought of 'if only' crossed my mind, it was not envy and I was truly happy for her, even offered to proof-read her papers. It was ironical because I didn't think I was qualified, but I did have experience studying part-time in Malaysian Bible Seminari.
Since I've been here I've experienced the grace of God in such rich and diverse ways. It's so humbling to know how much He loves me and see how He's accommodated to meet me where I am. He comes to me in His gentle and loving way, not demanding or reprimanding me although I know and feel I fully deserve rebuke. He comes beside me and invite me to Himself. It is a drawing and wooing that is full of compassion and grace. He does not shout His orders although He can rightly do so. But I feel as if His Spirit hovers me and covers me with His wings, especially when I felt overwhelmed and that the onslaught is too much. When I lacked faith and am afraid, He comes and assures me ... of His presence and His help that is near, filling my heart with peace. When I felt I've let Him down and a failure, He comes to me in the form of an encouraging pastor, who believes in second chances and tells me he believes in me. When I am burdened with guilt and shame, and feel I am not worthy to come before Him or look at Him, He invites me to confess my sins and extends His forgiveness even though I feel I have no right to ask for it, because I've failed so many times in the same area. Only God knows how broken I am inside but He is here to help me put the pieces together and offer to give me a new heart; new hope. Who is this God? Can He be for real? Isn't He too good to be true? Is it too risky to preach such a gospel? Of a God who loves us unconditionally? Who saves us at all cost? Who is wiling to offer 2nd chances again and again? It's crazy. It does not make sense ... not the kind of god that I can conjure in my wildest imagination. That's the kind of God I don't mind sharing with people about... that I can't help but share about.
The last year and a half has been nothing short of a miracle and an extravagant gift! An impossible dream that has come through. Almost everyday I wake up and can't help but smile as I think that I'm actually here studying! I feel like kissing the sunshine (not as excited to want to kiss the rain) when I walk outside. Love the fresh, cool and crisp air, and the cool temperatures here, which is really very mild compared to many parts of Canada and even US. I didn't think I would have this opportunity, nor thought it fit for me to ask ... but looking back I can say God is faithful. Very faithful indeed. He's looked out for me and provided me with all that I needed, even when I didn't know what it was I really needed. For example, He gave me friends who encouraged me with my cooking ... eating everything placed on the table without comment or criticism, which I would have made me cringed and tempted to give up in my attempts. I never lacked food, clothing, household items, etc and I have so many testimonies where the supply was so timely that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt God was meeting my needs. He's also opened doors for me to work part-time for most of my time here, at times even holding multiple jobs! I am really grateful for the friends I've made here. I enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to make initial connection but going deeper is another thing altogether. I have a very tight circle of close friends and am grateful for the gift of friendship. And in this transient community, it's not easy to make friends only to have to say goodbye when you've established the friendship. It's emotionally exhausting but that's the fact of life. The lyrics of a song goes like this "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger."
At this juncture, I am praying about my plan for the future. I'm not sure where God is leading me to and am seeking and discerning His will. My first inclination is to go on and complete the Master of Theology. It's a big step since I've never written anything close to a thesis, so this will be a whole new world. Others have done it and survived the ordeal ... some survive better than others. I'm in the process of applying for financial aid, bursary and scholarship, the outcome of will be a major determinant in this decision. The other important determinant is my grades. The College just raised the Grade Point Average requirement to enter the ThM program to 3.5 (that is out of 4), which is an A average. Ironically the required GPA to graduate with ThM is still 3.3. If both of these do not come true, i.e. I do not make the grade or am not granted sufficient scholarship, then it's no go and back to the drawing board. I have other options in mind if this does not come through but will not be looking at them just yet. Only have enough energy and time to look at this option for now. I want it enough to ask God for it but holding it loose enough for God to lead me onto a different path, because I have faith that if He does, it will only be a 'better' way.
Seek your prayer as I make my application and discern His guidance.
Since I've been here I've experienced the grace of God in such rich and diverse ways. It's so humbling to know how much He loves me and see how He's accommodated to meet me where I am. He comes to me in His gentle and loving way, not demanding or reprimanding me although I know and feel I fully deserve rebuke. He comes beside me and invite me to Himself. It is a drawing and wooing that is full of compassion and grace. He does not shout His orders although He can rightly do so. But I feel as if His Spirit hovers me and covers me with His wings, especially when I felt overwhelmed and that the onslaught is too much. When I lacked faith and am afraid, He comes and assures me ... of His presence and His help that is near, filling my heart with peace. When I felt I've let Him down and a failure, He comes to me in the form of an encouraging pastor, who believes in second chances and tells me he believes in me. When I am burdened with guilt and shame, and feel I am not worthy to come before Him or look at Him, He invites me to confess my sins and extends His forgiveness even though I feel I have no right to ask for it, because I've failed so many times in the same area. Only God knows how broken I am inside but He is here to help me put the pieces together and offer to give me a new heart; new hope. Who is this God? Can He be for real? Isn't He too good to be true? Is it too risky to preach such a gospel? Of a God who loves us unconditionally? Who saves us at all cost? Who is wiling to offer 2nd chances again and again? It's crazy. It does not make sense ... not the kind of god that I can conjure in my wildest imagination. That's the kind of God I don't mind sharing with people about... that I can't help but share about.
The last year and a half has been nothing short of a miracle and an extravagant gift! An impossible dream that has come through. Almost everyday I wake up and can't help but smile as I think that I'm actually here studying! I feel like kissing the sunshine (not as excited to want to kiss the rain) when I walk outside. Love the fresh, cool and crisp air, and the cool temperatures here, which is really very mild compared to many parts of Canada and even US. I didn't think I would have this opportunity, nor thought it fit for me to ask ... but looking back I can say God is faithful. Very faithful indeed. He's looked out for me and provided me with all that I needed, even when I didn't know what it was I really needed. For example, He gave me friends who encouraged me with my cooking ... eating everything placed on the table without comment or criticism, which I would have made me cringed and tempted to give up in my attempts. I never lacked food, clothing, household items, etc and I have so many testimonies where the supply was so timely that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt God was meeting my needs. He's also opened doors for me to work part-time for most of my time here, at times even holding multiple jobs! I am really grateful for the friends I've made here. I enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to make initial connection but going deeper is another thing altogether. I have a very tight circle of close friends and am grateful for the gift of friendship. And in this transient community, it's not easy to make friends only to have to say goodbye when you've established the friendship. It's emotionally exhausting but that's the fact of life. The lyrics of a song goes like this "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger."
At this juncture, I am praying about my plan for the future. I'm not sure where God is leading me to and am seeking and discerning His will. My first inclination is to go on and complete the Master of Theology. It's a big step since I've never written anything close to a thesis, so this will be a whole new world. Others have done it and survived the ordeal ... some survive better than others. I'm in the process of applying for financial aid, bursary and scholarship, the outcome of will be a major determinant in this decision. The other important determinant is my grades. The College just raised the Grade Point Average requirement to enter the ThM program to 3.5 (that is out of 4), which is an A average. Ironically the required GPA to graduate with ThM is still 3.3. If both of these do not come true, i.e. I do not make the grade or am not granted sufficient scholarship, then it's no go and back to the drawing board. I have other options in mind if this does not come through but will not be looking at them just yet. Only have enough energy and time to look at this option for now. I want it enough to ask God for it but holding it loose enough for God to lead me onto a different path, because I have faith that if He does, it will only be a 'better' way.
Seek your prayer as I make my application and discern His guidance.
Personality
I recently did a personality profile test known as the Kiersey test - I find the analysis here more detailed, and more accurate. Below are the results - some parts very true, other parts almost true. :)
Guardians™(SJs)
All Guardians™(SJs) share the following core characteristics:
* Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.
* Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.
* Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.
* Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.
Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.
Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, are being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honour customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.
Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork gets the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.
Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.
Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)
Providers (ESFJ) take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.
Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.
Friendly, outgoing, neighbourly-in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbours. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.
Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.
Guardians™(SJs)
All Guardians™(SJs) share the following core characteristics:
* Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.
* Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.
* Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.
* Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.
Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.
Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, are being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honour customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.
Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork gets the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.
Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.
Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)
Providers (ESFJ) take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.
Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.
Friendly, outgoing, neighbourly-in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbours. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.
Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
