Reading and Reflection

This season of Lent has been a period of reading and reflection. I can see the goodness of God so real; it’s almost scary. It is as if He’s given me an answer for every question that ran through my mind, almost randomly (to me at least).

In my previous blog I mentioned that the Lord has been dealing with the issue of unresolved anger and only to find myself in a talk addressing this very topic. Another thing that has been bugging me is the whole process of conversion and evaluating my own salvation, and I've been asking myself some hard questions about the disparity I see in myself. I guess this has been something that has been playing on my mind for a while, and it kind of hit me hard again these few weeks. My readings lead me to C. S. Lewis, the Pilgrim’s Regress, where he shares of his own conversion journey. I had questions about the church and tried to reconcile what I see in church and how the Bible describes us. It’s painful looking at the failures of the church as a whole and I wondered if there’s hope. I am currently reading Philip Yancey’s Soul Survivor: How Thirteen Unlikely Mentors Helped My Faith Survive the Church! It’s has been very uplifting and helps me reconsider the questions I have been asking and the basis from which I form my questions and evaluations of these issues. Sometimes it feels kind of lonely in the face of such self-doubts and I wonder if I’m the only one mad enough to be bothered by such questions and trying to search for meaning. Only to find the Lord bringing me to a hosts of writers and thinkers who’ve gone before me, struggled with similar issues and left notes of their musings. I am indebted to their honesty and thoughtful insights… and there are no simplistic answers.

Most of the closest friends I’ve made here will be leaving at the end of this term, or at the end of summer. Can’t help feeling a hint of loneliness, even though I remind myself there are still others who are around. Again, guess what? Last week, I attended a lecture given by Dr James Houston on ‘Surviving the Continent of Loneliness’! Not only that, the Lord allowed me to spend a few hours with a like-minded friend, going for a long walk, good conversation and having tea together. To be able spend such extended time sharing with a friend for me is a real luxury and priceless gift. I feel as if the Lord’s telling me He knows every thought that troubles me, hears all my unuttered prayers and understands my needs and deepest longings. He is as close to me as my breath. And just to make sure I don't miss it, He’s made it loud and clear on several occasions just in the span of these past few weeks! How do you say Thank You to such an attentive and loving Heavenly Father? Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Soul Survivor

Excerpts from Soul Survivor to whet your appetites.

G. K. Chesterton

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has no one to thank.
The real question is no "Why is Christianity so bad when it claims to be so good?" but "Why are all things so bad when they claim to be so good?"

When London Times asked a number of writers for essays on the topic: "What's Wrong with the World?" Chesterton sent in the reply shortest and most to the point:
Dear Sirs,
I am.
Sincerely yours,
G. K. Chesterton

We always ponder the problem of pain, but have you ever pondered on the problem of pleasure? Why is sex fun? Reproduction surely does not require pleasure - some animals simply split in half to reproduce and even humans use methods of aritifical insemination that involve no pleasure. Why is eating enjoyable? Plants and the lower animals manage to obtain their quota of nutrients without the luxury of tastebuds. Why are there colours? Some people get along fine without the ability to detect colour. Why complicate vision for all the rest of us?


Dr Paul Brand
- Reflecting on the Gift of Pain, one of the excellent books he co-authored with Yancey.

He (Brand) insisted on pain's great value, holding up as proof the terrible results of leprosy - damaged faces, blindness, and loss of fingers, toes, and limbs - all of which occurs as side-effects of painlessness. Brand had made the groundbreaking medical discovery that leprosy does its damage merely by destroying nerve endings. People who lose pain sensation then damage themselves by such simple actions as gripping a splintered rake or wearing tight shoes. Pressure sores form, infections set in, and no pain signals alert them to tend to the wounded area.

I thank God for pain. I cannot think of a greater gift I could give to my leprosy patients.
He went on to describe the intricacies of the pain system that protects the human body. It takes firm pressure of a very sharp needle for the sole of the foot to feel pain, whereas the cornea of the eye senses one-thousandth as much pressure, calling for a blink reflex when a thin eyelash or speck of dust brushes the surface. Intestines do not sense pain from being cut or burned - dangers these internal organs do not normally confront - yet they send out the urgent pain signal of colic when distended.

When he first start working as a doctor in a hospital:
I noticed that the symptoms of illness my patients complained about were actually a display of bodily healing at work. Virtually every response of our bodies that we view with irritation or disgust - blister, callus, swelling, fever, sneeze, cough, vomiting and especially pain - demonstrates a reflex toward health. In all these things normally considered enemies, we can find a reason to be grateful.

Brand responded to the dilemma of the marvel of the natural world and its apparent flaws with a twin spirit of gratitude and trust - gratitude for those things he could see and appreciate, and trust regarding those things he could not. To Brand's surprise, faith in God's trustworthiness deepened even as he worked among people least likely to feel gratitude, leprosy victims in India, because he saw transformation in the lowest of the low resulting from simple compassion and a healing touch.

What about birth defects? He launched into a description of the complex biochemistry involved in producing one healthy child. The great wonder is not that birth defects occur but that millions more do not. Could a mistake-proof world have been created so that the human genome with its billions of variables would never err in transmission? No scientist could envision such an error-free system in our world of fixed physical laws.

(In today's world where people spend a lot of money to eliminate and seek to avoid pain at all cost, this is a counter-culture message.)


Robert Coles
- Trained medically, Coles was a psychiatrist, Harvard lecturer, wrote voluminous works from his study of the poor and even championed against racism, for civil rights. Finally he taught spiritual literature in Harvard, challenging the brightest minds in business, medicine, law and etc to think about the more important questions of life.

The poor had no answers for the unfairness of life. Had a mere accident of birth condemned them to a cycle of suffering and poverty? They had little time or leisure to contemplate such questions. But when asked about the source of strength in their lives, they often pointed to Jesus. Religion for them was no crutch but rather a source of inspiration. They found in Jesus, and in the image of the cross, a ray of hope that convinced them God knew their sufferings.

Coles reflected on the peculiar circumstances of life that God had chose in coming to earth, as a carpenter who associated with peasants and fishermen, his mother used to remind him, not as a doctor or lawyer or college professor.

Among the poor he had expected defeat and despair; he found some, yes, but he also found strength and hope and courage. Among the rich, he expected satisfaction and instead found boredom, alienation and decadence.

Expressing Anger

I attended a talk this week in College on ‘The Arrogance of Expectations: Reflections on Anger’. The speaker was Dr Rod Wilson, the President of Regent College, who’s a trained and experienced psychologist, who has written 2 books on this topic. This was one of the most enlightening talks on this topic I’ve attended – the sad truth is I’ve not heard many address this topic in the Christian circle. Or perhaps I should say, I’ve not many positive things said about this topic in the Christian circle. Another reason why I found this session particularly is probably due to the fact that the Lord has been dealing with me in this area.

The first thing that struck me was the strong affirmation that there is a place for anger and even the proper expression of anger. He emphasised that this to be true especially for women, for Christians and for Christian leaders – which I can identify with all 3 categories. A lot of times, the signal given to women is that it is inappropriate for women to express anger, and all sorts of labels are attached to a woman who is angry, which is not attributed to the male counterpart. That explains why a lot more women are depressed, a sign of anger turned inwards. The real issue behind anger is power, and we often resort to anger to render the other person powerless. Sometimes anger is used against those in authority, because those who are under authority feel powerless in the relationship and seek to regain power by showing one’s anger. However since it is deemed inappropriate for women to express her anger in such a manner, she will resort to tears both as a means to express her anger and to regain power in a relationship. This is most often played out in marriage relationships, or between mother and her son, especially if he's a married adult son. Many men readily admit that they can handle and deal with anger anytime but find themselves quite powerless against tears. Therefore it is important for both men and women to correct this notion about the propriety of women to express an emotion that is very much part of being angry.

The other category is Christian and this have been so misconceived. Bible say in your anger do not sin, and do not let the sun go down on your anger. The former is at times interpreted as it is ok to feel some anger but it’s not right to express it and we simply have to forgive the other party. Some read the latter as we should try to talk late into the night and try to resolve every issue before we go to bed. Not that that’s a bad idea, but it is neat to be reminded that, even there, the sun has long set while you are trying to talk things through! God expresses this emotion and I believe it is a valid emotion to be expressed. God’s anger is a righteous anger and thus it is right to be angry at injustice, and allow that anger to propel us to action because anger itself is loaded with energy. But I’m cautious when we mask our anger, which we feel has no appropriate outlet of expression, and channel to these causes. It is an attempt to express anger through a channel which may have nothing to do with the real source of our anger that we have not dealt with. This can result in a hugely disproportionate amount of anger manifested for the cause we support. For example a mum whose child has been killed by a drunk driver may channel her anger by joining a group for moms in similar situations. This is an activist organisation which propagates against drunk driving. However if she does not deal with her own anger and seek to forgive the person who killed her child, she may react with a disproportionate level of anger when she comes across another teenager who’s guilty of drunk driving. On the contrary, she may experience the release of forgiveness by ‘forgiving’ this particular teenager.

Very often in the Asian culture, the expression of anger, especially against a person who is in authority, more senior in age, rank and financial or social status is wholly inappropriate. Thus anger is often turned inward or expressed by cold, detached and silent treatment. The latter is very harmful but powerful because it spells rejection. Thus instead of ‘connecting’ by proper expression of anger, we withdraw and hope the other person would give in, playing on their fear of rejection. This again is a manipulation technique trying to ‘overpower’ the other person. Another thing is there’s a lot of rage and disproportionate display of anger on the roads, when anger is continually suppressed against perhaps bosses and situations at work or at home.

There’s a lot more I can share about owning our anger, taking responsibility for our response and how our expectations set us up. This is especially true when the person is close to us, as the closer we are in relationship with someone, the more expectations we have. We can also learn to read how our body signals to us when are feeling angry. But for now I think it is sufficient to look at just the issue of expressing anger, an emotion that we often fail to validate. Sometimes we hide and suppress it so well, we might not be conscious that this issue is bothering us. This has helped me to see how my own anger has sometimes been so deeply suppressed that the only time they emerge is through my dreams. I recently had a dream of a full-scale confrontation with someone in authority, whom I dearly love and respect but have never had the courage to confront. The whole scenario was so real and the pain was very real too. On other occasions I have dreamt that someone close to me, again in authority, had passed away and I was unable to grieve. I pray for the Lord’s mercy as He helps me work through these different issues.

p/s: Drop me a line if you want to know more of some of these thoughts which I have not been able to cover with more detail.

Seminar on Da Vinci Code

KAIROS RESEARCH CENTRE SEMINAR ON DA VINCI CODE
Venue: Petaling Jaya Evangelical Free Church
Time: 4 May 2006, 8.30 – 10.30 pm

Everybody loves a conspiracy, especially one that involves a fast pace murder thriller and promises to challenge the historical foundations of Christian origins and exposes secrets that will scandalize the Church.
Without doubt, the best seller Da Vinci Code has generated questions that demand a vigorous intellectual response.
Kairos Research Centre will be organizing a public talk to refute the claims of Da Vinci Code with a presentation of the true history of Christian origins and the trustworthiness of the Gospels.

Issues addressed include the following:
- Fiction and Truth in a Post-Modern age
- The Historical Jesus and the Reliability of the Gospels
- The Development of Early Christian Doctrines and the Challenge of Gnosticism

The Panel Speakers are:
Ms Wong Ming Yook – Formerly Lecturer in the English Department of University Malaya and currently a free lance writer.
Rev. Wong Fong Yang – Pastor of City Discipleship Presbyterian Church
Dr. Ng Kam Weng – Research Director of Kairos Research Centre.

Admission Free. All Welcomed.
See link to Kairos Research on the right panel.

Prayer of Lament

The Psalms are full of laments but yet when was the last time you found yourself expressing lament during a worship service and even have an entire service based on it. It was a moving experience as we offered up our lament, individually and corporately. This was the series of prayers written by one of the students who led us in prayer. I found it very powerful and moving. Totally in tune with this season of Lent.


Opening Prayer

Maybe we did something wrong
We used to feel you
Impression on our skin,
strong arm wrapped around.

But now it seems
We are alone
With no one to help

Gathered now to listen and speak
We wonder
Will it even matter?

We come here torn up,
Vicious dogs
Depression
envy
Angry thoughts
Ravenous, they eat

We come wounded
we come
Undone
Soul undone
Bones out from their socket
Bodies turning on themselves
Life, crumpled in the corner

We come to you empty
Melted hearts, poured out
Spilling to the ground
Till there is nothing
No one to hold them
But death’s dust
Enemy stares and gloats.

Like this we come,
To a God we cannot see
To scream for help
Fists beating against your chest
Pawing at your sky

Like this we come
Tangled up in deadlines
Too distracted to notice
Drinking from the cup
of success
We do not even care

Like this we come
False ambition
Clothed in contradiction
Yet naked underneath
Bodies pieced apart
Separated from ourselves
We groan

We come numb
Swollen tongue
stuck to the roof of our mouth
fluid of life drains out
As we turn to see there’s no one there

God,
It’s like this that we come
And ask for your help
Spirit come to
Gather up our pains in your heart
Swaddle flailing lives
Swaddle flailing regent
So she can sleep again
At your breast
To know
you are good.


Corporate confession

God
sees underneath
Intentions below the surface
Tears waiting
behind smiles
Doubt accompanying faith

And if you are here,
God,
not far off,
But closer than our own skin,
Surely you have seen
Surely you have seen

When we push our bodies beyond themselves
Satisfying our schedules, rather than stewarding your temple.

In your mercy, forgive us.

When we demand blessing in light of our obedience
Presuming we can earn your favor
When we cheapen your death—as we long for a rule-driven gospel
When we crucify ourselves with self-hate
And pray to a Saviour who we think couldn’t bear to love us,

In your love, forgive us.

When we think we’re more loved or saved than others

Forgive us, and teach us true humility

When we hide from you, behind our knowledge of you
When we think that being united in our love for you, means uniformity in the way we express it,
Forgive us and teach us to learn from each other

When we’re tight-fisted with your money, with our lives

Unclench our fists and make us open-handed. Ready to give, open to receive.

When we keep sorrow in its corner, unsure of a love that could allow so much pain.
Because of your gentleness,
Love us in spite of ourselves.

When we despair of pressing forward
Fearing the fount of miracles has run dry

Hold us.

Hoping against all hope
We pray for the people of the Downtown Eastside

Because of your justice, help us bring peace

For we who struggle to follow,
Constrained by affections for comfort and control

Because of your Kingdom, loose our bonds

And for those of us to whom life has dealt a seemingly final blow
Face to the concrete, too exhausted to move

Because of your tenderness, take us by the hand and raise us up.

Spirit of the Living God,
We invite you
Blaze across our sky
Wring death out of our hearts
And saturate our souls with your breathe, life, faith.

Hoping against all hope
We lay defeat aside
We grab for the corner of your cloak
And wait for a miracle.


Benediction
You, heart peering out from behind yesterday,
Wondering
If you can brave tomorrow;

You, mind racing,
wrapping your story
in should’ves, could’ves, if I’d only

You, created for intimacy,
But too tired to step into it,
soul pacing inside you,
hesitant to show itself;

You,
body worn,
knees in the dirt,
face there, too;

O children of the resurrection
May your soul fling open its windows
To see in the distance
The arm of the lord
Indeed
He has done it
It is finished

Impression on your skin
Spirit piercing your flesh,
driving into your heart
an invitation to dance,
to smile, to hope,
pressing light into your dark,
unclenching your heart
blood of redemption and grace pulsing through dry veins
flooding love into your fears.
He has done it.

So, may wait with one another
truly
He will not hide his face
From you forever
Behold it is very close

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Faith in the Faithful

Some time back I felt the Lord convicting me for my failure to trust him. One of the reasons why I chose to come out here was because I wanted to learn how to trust God. Tired of trusting my own and earthly resources, I desired to see Him meet my needs. I sincerely wanted to be able to say with conviction that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my Provider. I lament that I was tired of listening, reading and repeating other people's story of faith and I wanted to have my own, up-to-date testimonies. Then I felt convicted that my action was nothing short of testing Him and had to repent before the Lord. I felt ashamed for my failure to acknowledge His provision through 'natural' means, as if they were not good enough. It was a hard lesson and I had to re-evaluate my theology.

Nevertheless, I must say, God is so very merciful and even condescends to our childish ways. I guess it pleases Him when my desire is to boast of him and there's nothing harder for him to resist than to have his children boast about him! This week has been a real treat as the Lord reminds me he knows my needs and desires to meet them. I've been running low on cheese and was a little reluctant to replenish my stock until I see them on sale at the supermarket. It's no big deal except that I don't think it's worth buying when it is not on sale. Then God send angels who gave me some supply of good quality mozarella cheese!

I'm having a reading break this week and have not been eating dinner with my regular kaki-s (who by the way are leaving to return to Singapore after this term). I was thinking what I'd cook for dinner on my way home, after a whole day at work. Only to find that an angel had come by and left me some Indonesian style mee goreng waiting for me at home. It's a simple delight and blessing. For me, it's great when someone takes you out and buys you a meal, but something else altogether when someone takes the trouble to cook you a meal. I guess the thought counts alot and the effort, of course. Especially when they take into consideration that you might prefer Asian cuisine that is not too spicy and listing the ingredients to check you're not allergic to any of them! For me this is such an expression of love and worth much more than an expensive dining experience, as much as I like those as well.

Does he need to do this to prove he is God and that he is faithful? No. Did he want to peer through my day to surprise me and let me know He thought of me and know my whispered desires? Yes. Does he know I have put in my application to renew my scholarship for next academic year and that am thinking if I should shift out of my current residence in view of the increase of rates next year? Probably. Can he take care of that? Sure he can and this is just a simple assurance that he is in control.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. More than anything, I am led to ponder on His indescribable and infinite love, seen through His passion and death. I invite you to join me to linger at the foot of the cross.

Lord of War

Watched this movie at the campus cinema last night. It was a fund-raising event for West Sudan. Amnesty International was present to campaign for arms control. I was really surprised to see the turn out as students lined up for more than 100m to get their ticket. The cinema at the Student Union Building (SUB) is one of the most dingy and usually there's hardly a queue to get tickets, even on weekends. These Uni students really made their way in support of this cause. It was very encouraging, considering that this generation is usually associated with apathy. The organisers were very affirming and kept reminding the group that each person counts and can make a difference. They also organised an after movie drink at the pub to discuss the movie. These kids pay for both the movie (which is really sponsored so that all proceeds go to Amnesty International) and the drink session.

You probably think, what am I coming to? First environmental issue, now arms control. Well, I suppose this is part of my learning experience; learn to be concerned with issues around me, beyond my little world and tiny circle of concerns. I don't know how many Christians were there last night but I believe not too many. Yet I won't be surprised if not too few there were. I met some folks here who are very politically aware and even in some churches, you can't escape these issues. Of course there are also Christians who only think in very limited scope and have no idea what's happening outside the church walls. But I dare say we can do with more churches and Christians actively engaging in such issues.

It's a fantastic movie, with a powerful story and fast paced. Based on facts, it bears a profound message... that the real weapons of mass destruction is not nuclear armoury but small handheld arms trafficked illegally, both by arm dealers and even world governments! It is scarily true. The opening scene is very memorable and reminds me one of those essays (karangan) I had to write when I was in primary school - "If I were a ..... (an inimate object)". The soundtracks are great and haunting, and can be heard on the movie's site. Violent? You bet. Nicholas Cage plays a villain - first time as far as I recall. Here you watch what how one moves from denial to justification when dealing with sin. We do this so often that we rarely stop to think about it. In the end, sin has its price. Ethan Hawke plays the role of the interpol agent who seeks to use the law to bring about justice and refuse to compromise his own sense of uprightness to achieve this.

Link to the Lord of War movie site.
Find out how you can make a difference - Amnesty International.