Suppression. Reflection. Reaction. Depression. Contemplation. Distraction. Confusion.

Am not really in a mood to write. Have not made any entry recently because been very busy. Reminded of what a friend said about keeping track of our emotions because they're a thermometer to how we are really doing. Started out by listing a few as above.... then got hooked on those with 3 syllables that rhymed! Got the idea from Max Lucado's book entitled 'No Wonder They Called Him Saviour' - he wrote an entire chapter with single words. So cool.

XX Hugs XX

Someone commented to my friend, 'Is she really your Pastor?' (referring to me) . No big deal I guess, since it's hardly the first time for me to hear these sort of comments. Another has told me, 'Pastor can blog too?' The best one so far is when a fairly new member asked me, 'Cheryl, why do they (as in the other members) keep calling you Ps Cheryl?!! Only earlier today, I confessed to a fellow-pastor of mine that it took me many years before I accepted myself as one. Why? I asked myself. It's natural for us to attach a certain image to certain professions. But I wonder if we sometimes place our leaders on a pedestal and make them out to be super-humans. Many of these expectations are downright unrealistic. While some are not unreasonable on its own but if you were to add them up together, I imagine even Jesus would find the job description a tall order to fulfill. Still we try our best to live up to them, sometimes doing such a good job that I am tempted, myself, to believe I'm superhuman! Which isn't that bad an idea if I had cool suits like The Incredibles (a Pixar-Disney animation movie, for the uninitiated).

It is hard for us to remember that our leaders are made up of flesh and blood; human with real needs, fears and if I be so bold to suggest, weaknesses. To enforce the fact that I'm truly flesh and blood, I'm also a rather tactile person, that is I tend to use my sense of touch to perceive the world around me. Some are visual, auditorial and others are stimulated through their sense of smell (olfactorial). Naturally then physical touch is one of my language of love. Hugs do wonders for me. It's just too bad that hugging is not a common feature in the Malaysian culture. Yesterday I received a card of encouragement from a member. A simple note of appreciation and a small gift. Well, it felt like I was receiving a BIG hug from her through her card!

Both for the sake of others and my own sake, I consciously make every effort to get off the pedestal. Then none can justfy by giving themselves the excuse to say, 'You can do it because you are a pastor but I am not (therefore I should be exempted)'.

Finding God

People go to all extent to find God and some even go to great extents like taking a year off to walk barefoot in India, following after their 'guru's. It makes you wonder if God is playing hide-and-seek with us. Is He playing hard-to-get or does He simply enjoys making things difficult for us? I don't think so. The Bible tells us that God is seeking us out and more often than not, we're the ones hiding from Him.

Like Adam, we realise our nakedness and have a tendency to hide from Him in our shame. I believe it is not so much about how far we go to seek God out but more about looking hard enough to realise that He what is already doing in our lives. He is present, indeed omnipresent. Yes, He is present in church, at prayer meetings, healing rallies and other 'spiritual' activities. However the fact that He is omnipresent means He is also present when I'm driving (?), eating, sleeping, working(!), watching a movie and when I'm in the toilet, in the mall, at the clinic, at the market or even on the dentist's chair! Do I notice Him at work around me when I'm with my family, or when I'm doing some mundane chores, waiting at a queue, caught in a traffic jam (some of my more impatient moments)? Instead of looking for God everywhere else or chasing after some phenomenon I tend to associate with God's presence, I'll be better off if I would only be still and pay attention to what He's already doing around me. In that way, every activity becomes a spiritual activity, that is an activity with spiritual significance. This will give my life integrity and not put my life into spiritual and non-spiritual compartments.

One of my aims this year is to continually look out for God-activities around me and I believe as Heb 11:6 says, He will reward those who earnestly seek Him.

Only Yesterday

Only yesterday when I was sad and I was lonely
You showed me the way to leave
The past and all its tears behind me
Tomorrow may be even brighter than today
Since I threw my sadness away
Only Yesterday

"Only Yesterday", Carpenters
This song has been playing in my head this whole week since I heard it on the radio on Monday.

As I looked back on 2004, there are many highlights and generally the year was a good one. However since I'm in a pretty melancholic mood today, I'm kind of looking at the not so good parts too. God spoke to me recently and revealed to me the danger of spiritual neglect and apathy. I know I've allowed the busyness of the last month to rob me of my time with the Lord, resulting in spiritual apathy. It's very subtle and my spirit suffers the consequences of it. It's time to take stock, to keep vigil watch over this area of my life and rebuild the altar. Other areas that I felt I could have done better is inter-personal relationships and managing my finances.

I'm on the roll here since it's been a while that I felt this low emotionally. Didn't help that I woke up to the news of Liverpool being knocked out of FA... just after having lost to ManU over the weekend! Boy am I glad I was on the flight back from Beijing and had to miss the game. Besides that the day started alright. Felt the stirring of the Lord during worship at the lunch-time prayer meet. It is amazing to experience His grace - to know that He, the Almighty, Omnipresent God, whose presence no temple can contain - chooses to abide in a broken vessel like me. Why does a perfectly pure and holy God want to have anything to do with a person who is marred and tainted by sin and even want to considers me His spiritual temple?! The thought is too great for me to grasp.

Had a little tiff at home in the evening that totally spoilt my mood. Things kind of slided downwards from that point. I realised that I'm very vulnerable and sensitive when I'm in one of these moods. Things that do not usually bother me can really affect me. It's tough because others probably won't pick up your cues or treat you any differently. They won't understand why my reaction to their usual taunts and jabbing seem so severe. Paying attention to how these moods affect me has helped me cope better with the emotions and not allow it to overtake me like a tsunami. I feel I'm more in control and managed to keep tab of the feelings of sadness this time. I am able to stop things from being blown out of proportion. That's why I firmly believe that self-awareness is the key towards growth and becoming a better person.

Psalm 29

1 Ascribe to the LORD, O mighty ones,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.
2 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness.

3 The voice of the LORD is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.
4 The voice of the LORD is powerful;
the voice of the LORD is majestic.
5 The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars;
the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.
6 He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
Sirion like a young wild ox.
7 The voice of the LORD strikes
with flashes of lightning.
8 The voice of the LORD shakes the desert;
the LORD shakes the Desert of Kadesh.
9 The voice of the LORD twists the oaks
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

10 The LORD sits enthroned over the flood;
the LORD is enthroned as King forever.
11 The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.

(NIV)

Making Sense of Pain

How do you make sense of this great catastrophe? It is so devastating. So much grief. My mind can barely register the rising death toll that seem endless. I think my mind is still in a state of shock at the extent of the damage. Just imagine, thousands have gone to an eternity without God overnight. Words seem to fail to express the loss and I can only pray 'Have mercy, O Lord'. We fear the worse is not over. With almost zero resources, survivors have little to help them stay alive. Even if they have enough clean water, can they make it through the feared diseases?

How can I help? How can I make a difference? My fear is that my only contribution is to watch the news and follow it because it's the in-thing, then walk away unmoved. Or if moved, do absolutely nothing about it. Slowly my heart will grow hard because it needs to de-sensitise to these constant bombardments by the media; there's a limit to how much one can take. I need to pray. That's the least I can do. Give towards the Disaster Fund. I'd like to go and offer help if I can do something to relief this pain in a small measure.

However despite the senseless pain, I was reminded at prayer meeting tonight that God is holy and worthy of worship. In the midst of all the sadness, I tell myself that this has been foretold by the Lord. I know one day all these will come to an end. He will return and bring an end to all these wickedness and destruction. My duty in the mean time is to share the gospel with as many as I can because I know the time is short. Much too short.

Mixed Feelings

It's Boxing Day. Finally opened up all my Christmas gifts. Thank God for friends and family members. 2004 has been a pretty good year with a high learning curve for a young pastor. Somehow I noticed that I am most happy when I have a high learning curve. It's a pretty consistent pattern. Am grateful for opportunities to touch lives and be a channel of grace for Him, albeit a pale shadow of the Real Thing. There is still lots of room for improvement and I look forward to another year to learn more about Him. Learning to respond to His redeeming work in my life; to better reflect Him, to appreciate the people that He allows to cross my path; to depend on Him and trust Him.

At the moment I'm watching the breaking news of the worst earthquake in the world to hit in the past 40 years. 8.9 on the Richter scale from Sumetra! Tsunamis arising from it have hit and caused havoc in the region all the way to India, Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Yet we, who are just a stone's throw away from the epicenter, are relatively spared, except for parts of Penang and Langkawi. This is another testimony of the grace of God upon this nation. With thousands dead and death toll still rising, it has cast a shadow on this year's Christmas, resulting in mixed feelings.