Discernment: doing what is right

I've been reading Bonhoeffer's Ethics for my course on ThM seminar on 'Theology of Bonhoeffer'. We're reading a collection of his work and I realize that Cost of Discipleship (now simply Discipleship in the critical edition, Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works series), is the more popular of his writings. His life and writings offer much food for thought. For now, I'm chewing on some of these ideas ...

In discerning what Jesus is saying to us, we would usually confirm what we hear with some of the following guidelines: does it contradict with the Word? is it legal? is it in line with common sense? is it loving? With that in mind, has it ever bothered you that Jesus often chose to heal on the Sabbath? He could have healed on Monday or any other day, but he chose to do it on Sabbath. We know that Jesus' miracles did not usually stopped at the miracle (or healing) itself, but was a sign and an occasion which he used to teach. Usually he did not set out to heal in order to prove he was God. Otherwise he could have healed all those whom he met who were ill. But obviously that did not happen (and perhaps that's troubled you and you've often asked why). That is probably a good topic for discussion at another time, but for now, I want to focus on the 'legality' of what he did. Yes, we know there are no laws against healing or doing good. In those days, the Pharisees were troubled not because Jesus healed but because he refused to 'observe' the Sabbath. But Jesus himself said he did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. So perhaps in this case we may argue that he was fulfilling the spirit of the law, and the so-called Sabbath laws were not really God's commands but man-made additions and therefore can be ignored (??) for the sake of doing a higher good? ... food for thought. So perhaps you're thinking that to heal a person and set him/her free from a long term oppression is doing something loving towards another, and therefore should trump these 'laws'. We should not be legalistic about it. Pause for a moment to think about our use of the word legalistic. What about flouting the Sabbath laws to meet our needs - disciples picking corn on the field? Would meeting a 'selfish' bodily need also justify 'breaking the law'? No doubt in this case, one may say that the Sabbath law is a religious law and thus only have moral obligations, and it's not technically illegal. Well, in light of the Old Testament, it is more than a moral obligation, but is in fact a civil obligation, at least for a Jew. Jesus and his disciples were Jews. Was Jesus putting away an old order and instituting a new one ... and if so, would he still be fulfilling the law? Or was it justified because it was more moral and loving to 'break the Sabbath' than to observe it in these cases?

Take it one step further now with Bonhoeffer. Would God ask us to do something that is illegal which is also against His commandments? Bonhoeffer felt God had led him to be part of the plot to assassinate Hitler. And no matter how evil Hitler is, it doesn't change the fact that it would tantamount to murder, which is clearly forbidden both in the 10 Commandments as well as Sermon on the Mount. You may not agree with Bonhoeffer on whether such acts can ever be justified but the fact that the church considers Bonhoeffer a martyr (he was executed by Hitler when his plans failed), is a testimony that we believe he acted in good faith. Bonhoeffer does not deny that it is wrong in the sense that it is against the commandment of God, but he saw that this evil was necessary to bring an end to much greater evil.

Bonhoeffer views a Christian as one who is called to live responsibly, i.e. in response to the call of Christ (continued obedience to him), and to live responsibly towards others. In the latter, it means standing in solidarity with and on behalf of those who are poor, powerless and persecuted. In doing so, we're standing with Christ because Christ identifies himself with those who are least among us ... Failure to act and intervene as well as intercede on their behalf is to fail in our Christian duty. More food for thought.

Back to the question of discernment. Bonhoeffer points out that we must be careful not to be too confident in our own knowledge of good and evil. Often when we try to discern God's will we are too preoccupied with getting it RIGHT. While we do our best to discern, we can only be certain to some degree, because there is always an element of faith as we obey what we sense God is saying to us. This element of faith is an important one, and perhaps can put many of us at ease, rather than trying to attain absolute certainty when we are discerning God's guidance in our given situation.

Some basic questions we use in 'confirming' our decisions are as follows:
1) Is it legal? The concern here would be legally permissible, which is the lowest common denominator. We will probably agree that this consideration is irrelevant if it breaks God's moral code. Thus we do not obey an order of the State if we are told to worship an idol. Although some may say this is a given, but it probably should not be surprising how many of us fall back on this in ethically gray areas, especially when it is to our advantage.
2) Is it according to God's laws? The concern here is for what is right and morally permissible. A good guideline in principle.
3) Is it loving? If doing what is morally permissible will hurt our neighbour, aggravate or extend their suffering, then it is more loving (and not immoral) to break the moral code. I expect this might ruffle some feathers. This is a good time to re-consider the word we used earlier: Legalistic.
Other questions include: is it in line with common sense? Does it lead to desolation or consolation? (Ignatian discernment; i.e. does it lead me to withdraw from God or draw closer to God?)

However ultimately the one question we seek to answer is: Is this what God is calling me to do?
It may be legal, right and loving thing to do but if it is not what God has asked me to do, then it may be wrong for me to do it. Or should I assume God has called me to do that? (More question mark!) Can the reverse be true? Even if it is illegal, wrong, and unloving, my duty is still to obey. (At this point alone, you are probably all ready to conclude I'm a heretic!) Bonhoeffer was speaking against German Christians who went along with Nazi's program (doing what is legal) and consoled by the fact that they were doing what was "right" (morally permissible but even though it was unloving towards their Jewish neighbour). However in being part of the assassination plot, he did what was illegal (against Nazi regime), immoral (moral ideal would be to forgive your enemy ... hmm always? further food for thought), and unloving (at least to Hitler), and yet ...

Nb. I am aware of examples like Corrie Ten Boom's sister who refused to lie when asked by the authorities if they were hiding Jews in their home. She believed God would protect them without her having to lie about it - although some would argue that in this case, it was necessary and probably justified, to prevent a greater evil and protect lives. She openly pointed out their hiding place when the authorities came to search the house but they refused to believe she was telling them the truth and did not search that spot, thus God honoured her faith!

Jesus said, "my meat is to do the will of the one who sent me" (John 4:34) and "The Son is not able to do anything himself; he is able to do only what he sees the Father doing" (John 5:19).
Is this idea dangerous? Yes, you bet. Is this what it means to walk by the Spirit? (Gal 5) Probably.
The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. (John 3:8)


Response? Bring them on! Love to hear your input.

National Identity - Conflict for Christians?

I often read blogs that begin with an apology, especially for not blogging. While that would be most justified here, I shall resist the temptation to follow the trend, and get right into it.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this topic of how Christians should think of their national identity. Is national pride biblical? Or are we to renounce all national ties and be loyal to our heavenly citizenship alone? I've read articles of Christians who'd go as far as saying that we should not salute or stand at attention to the flag, sing the national anthem or recite the 'Rukunegara' (equivalent to a national pledge). In light of the recent developments in Malaysia I've been having very strong feelings for the nation, a deep concern for its future. I feel passionate about some of these issues, and realize that I care a lot about her people. I don't believe this is of my own doing, but then again I'm trying to understand how do we relate to our national root. It's not uncommon for me to hear others , or even for myself, speak in terms having a burden for a certain nation. How does God view nations?

In Genesis, we saw the birth of different nations. He started revealing himself to a nation, through a man and his family. God built this nation, dwelt among them and called himself, her leader and king. He addressed different nations according to how they related to Israel, the people of God. People groups and nations were not always differentiated in the Bible, although in socio-political definition there probably are differences between the two although I'm not entirely sure what they are. Jesus himself was born a Jew and that was part of his identity as a man. He fulfilled his civil responsibilities by paying taxes (that could have been a temple tax, and thus arguably a religious duty). But he did exhort the people to pay what is due to Caesar, who was clearly a pagan ruler that demanded the people's total loyalty, calling himself Kurios (Lord). In the Great Commission, Jesus calls us to disciple the nations - the word here can also mean people group, but it definitely points to distinctive groups rather than the world as a whole. In the New Testament, we are told to pray for our government. Paul himself was not afraid to claim his full rights as a Roman citizen when he was unlawfully detained. Nevertheless we also have exhortations stating, "In Christ, there is now no Greek or Jew..." (Gal 3:28) Finally at the end, in Revelations, the nations will be judged and in the new earth, the nations will be present to offer their worship to God.

This is just a brief stream of thoughts on this topic. I'm still thinking through about this issue and appreciate if I can have some input, especially if you've given it some thought or can direct me to a good resource. Some may argue that the nations are really people groups, and it's not about a nation State, which is a human construct. That's a possibility, but I need help to see how this applies biblically and where does that leave me in terms of my civil responsibilities and rights as a Christian. One fear that others have voiced is the fear of patriotism and nationalism, which for them, often leads to a sense of superiority. Again, I admit that fear is not unfounded, however I believe it is possible to speak of different national identity without speaking of them in terms of one being superior than the other.

One thing that I've been giving more thought is the number of Malaysians I know who've chosen to migrate and reside in another country, but never gave up their Malaysian citizenship (and of course this is a common phenomena not only with Malaysians). I guess in a sense I am feeling some tension about that and still trying to reconcile what I see. I realize that people often migrate for many different reasons and I don't want to, nor can I, judge them for their decision. I can accept that one who love the country may, for very good reasons, feel compelled to leave it and choose to reside somewhere else. The question I have is, after living for a while out there, why not give up your Malaysian citizenship and choose to adopt a new citizenship? I know that everyone has a freedom to choose and if the government does not require you to make that choice, it's not for me to question your decision. I'm just trying to think through the Christian ethical implications on this issue. I've always been raised to think that a mature adult = a responsible citizen, which means doing your part and contribute towards the country, building it up for future generation. Don't ask me where I got all these ideas - Civic class? Thus if you decide to put your roots in one country, then fully adopt the country as your home. I have no issues with such changes because I recognize that's part of life. I cannot see the point of keeping Malaysian citizenship when your ability to contribute to the country is minimal. What really bugs me is when friends who've left Malaysia insist on telling us how we can do better if we only .... or keep sending me emails about how badly Malaysia is being governed, which only serves to further justify their decision to leave (yet not give it up altogether). In such case, they have one mind/heart in Malaysia, while they are living off those lovely countries they have migrated to. What then is your contribution to the country you've migrated to, if not to participate in it fully as a citizen ...?

Perhaps you find my view too narrow and too polarized. I don't mean for this to offend anyone, and apologize if you've been so offended. I am simply trying to think aloud. I admit I'm often told that I think in too "black and white" terms. I am open to be corrected. I also understand that life is often much more complicated than that. Some plan to return to Malaysia eventually, perhaps to retire. Others still have lots of ties to family in Malaysia, thus prefer to have their options open. Some move because of marriage, and others may be there because of work. I have also met those who felt led to move, but did so with great reluctance, and continue to care deeply for Malaysia by constantly praying for her. What should be our considerations in making such a decision as a Christian? That's what I'm after.

The New Holy Trinity

We live in an age in which we have all been trained from the cradle to choose for ourselves what is best for us. We have a few years of apprenticeship at this before we are sent out on our own, but the training begins early. By the time we can hold a spoon we choose between half a dozen cereals for breakfast, ranging from Cheerios to Bran Flakes. Our tastes, inclinations and appetites are consulted endlessly. We are soon deciding what clothes we will wear and in what style we will have our hair cut. The options proliferate: what TV channels we will view, what college we will attend, what courses we will take in school, what model and colour of car we will buy, what church we will join. We learn early, with multiple confirmations as we grow older, that we have a say in the formation of our lives, and within certain bounds, the decisive say. If the culture does a thorough job on us – and it turns out to be mighty effective with most of us – we enter adulthood with the working assumptions that whatever we need and want and feel forms the divine control of our lives.

Intoroducing the new Holy Trinity. The sovereign self expresses itself in Holy Needs, Holy Wants, and Holy Feelings. The time and intelligence that our ancestors spent on understanding the sovereignty revealed in Father, Son and Holy Spirit are directed by our contemporaries in affirming and validation the sovereignty of our needs, wants and feelings.

My needs are non-negotiable. My so-called rights, defined in individually, are fundamental to my identity. My need for fulfillment. For expression, for affirmation, for sexual satisfaction, for respect, my need to get my own way – all these provide a foundation to the centrality of me and fortify my self against diminution.

My wants are evidence of my expanding sense of kingdom. I train myself to think big because I am big, important, significant. I am larger than life and so require more and more goods and services, more things and more power. Consumption and acquisition are the new fruits of the spirit.

My feelings are the truth of who I am. Any thing or person who can provide me with ecstasy, with excitement, with joy, with stimulus, with spiritual connection validates my sovereignty. This, of course, involves employing quite a large cast of therapists, travel agents, gadgets and machines, recreations and entertainments to case out the devils of boredom or loss or discontent – all the feelings that undermine or challenge my self-sovereignty.


Eugene Peterson, Eat This Book (p31-32)


postscript:

In many Asian cultures, the common good is given much more value than the individual needs, wants or feelings. Thus there is tremendous pressure to conform and not stick out. Add to that, it is a taboo to offer a dissenting view or to look critically at tradition and culture. We know that one of the biggest threat to individuals in any given society is to be ostracised or treated as an outcast. While this is true of human socieities at large, it is particularly poignant in Asian communities. While this may keep the new un-holy trinity at bay, what really happens is the needs, wants and feelings of the group takes the place of the individual and forms the alternative un-holy trinity. The needs, wants and feelings of the group is sovereign. At times, this can result in deep inner conflict when the needs of the individual are in conflict with the needs of the group and the individual's desire to remain part of the group.

In Asian churches, this pressure to conform is translated into teachings that emphasise on the unity of the church and concern for our neighbour. As a result we baptise our culture and this creates cultural blindspots in our theology and teaching. We use the Bible to coerce members to conform to certain (culturally acceptable) patterns of behaviour or get them to align with the leader's (or leaders') agenda. We manipulate and control people and forget that we are all unique individuals created in the image of God.

It is important to know our own cultural blindspots and be careful that we do not baptise our own culture but need to learn to look at ourselves critically. This applies to Asian communities as well as Western ones. Only then can we see what is needed in our theology and teaching to challenge our cultural assumptions and values that are in conflict with Scripture. Asian churches that emphasise on our uniqueness as individuals may be accussed of bringing in western values. The fact is we are called to be counter-cultural and we need each other to help read and understand the Bible more faithfully. while the emphasis may differ from one culture to another, it is not because any particular culture that is superior or that we should seek to emulate.

However what we strive for is the Christian perspective and to emulate Christ. The call for Christians is to give up and hand over our individual's needs, wants and feelings, not in exchange for the group's, but for His will. We are to submit to Him as our sovereign Lord, trusting Him to meet our needs as He sees fit. This does not mean He will ignore our desires, wants or feelings, because, at a deeper level, even these desires are given by God. However we are not to take things into our own hands and be preoccupied with meeting them by our own means. We are called instead to surrender them to Him, submit our wills to Him and allow Him to mould our feelings, to align with His will. We are respondible to do our part and work to meet some of these, but if this is the goal of all our efforts then they become our idols. No, then we become our own gods. But in submitting to Him, He does call and enable us to live beyond ourselves, to love others and consider others more than ourselves. Not because the other, or the group, is more important and valuable than we are, but because He is sovereign and Lord over all. It is His kingdom and plans that He is committed to bring to pass according to His good and perfect will. It is for us to align ourselves with His agenda, by His grace. We ask the wrong question when we ask whether God is on our side. Our concern should be whether we are on His side because in the end, it will be the only side left standing and victorious!

Thoughts about sexuality and marriage

Sometimes I feel God sneaks up on us, pull a fast one and have a good laugh. Not in a mean way, but in a fun kind of way. I went to the Midnight Madness Booksale, that takes place at the end of each term, telling myself I'll be disciplined. I surprised myself when I bought 1 book and 1 pretty expensive journal (literally very pretty too). I came back and started reading the book, which is past midnight now... and finished more than 80% of it by this morning (I did sleep in between). Those who know me well will know that this is rare as I'm fond of collecting books and still have not read half of my collection. The reason I felt God sneaked up on me was because earlier this week, I had asked him a few questions. One of it was, 'Lord, if you hate divorce but permitted it because of the hardness of man's heart, would you also permit remarriage?'. One more question along this line was the idea of polygamy in the Old Testament, which was an acceptable practice in those days especially for the sake of begetting a child. Also Solomon came through Bathsheba, incorporating both mother and son in the lineage that Jesus would come from - was her union with David blessed in the eyes of God? Albeit she was a widow and a victim when she married David, yet would the priest in those days (if they had to give their blessings for the marriage) able to bless the union before God, knowing full well the circumstances of this union? It may seem kinda silly to ask such questions, but I did ask them (even wrote them down in my journal) and I guess God heard it! While I am thrilled for the answer, it still blows me away when God actually answers, even what seemed like silly questions.

In light of today being World AIDS Day, I believe it's appropriate that I read and recommend this book, 'Sexual Ethics: an Evangelical Perspective' by Stanley Grenz (he has another book by a similar title, 'Sexual Ethics: a Biblical Perspective'). It's as if this is the book that I've been waiting for, and reading it has addressed so many of the questions I've had about sexuality, marriage, etc. My interest in this topic started many years back when I first joined the pastorate. I used to ask my older, married colleagues, if they believed that marriage was a good thing and whether it was good for everyone (i.e. would they recommend it for everyone), and why. Many were stumped by the questions, and while most would answer a vehement Yes, to the first question, the answers to the last and third question were mostly weak. Of course I wasn't asking them to write an essay on the subject, and they may never have been confronted with such questions. My motivation was both personal as well as pastoral. At that time, I wanted to know what was God's plan for human sexuality and marriage. As a single woman, I felt that many of the traditional, social, economical reasons that often prompted a woman to get married are no longer applicable, or less relevant today. Women do not get the better end of the bargain in marriage compared to the man, and sometimes I would jokingly mention that I wouldn't mind getting a wife myself. As an aside, I've seen wives of my male friends who work and support while their husband study; cook, wash, iron and take care of the house chores; clean, feed and care for the kids; do banking, shopping and run errands; remind them of important birthdays, keep track of their appointments, even send emails and update their facebook for them!

While there is much affirmation of the single person in the world and workplace, they somehow do not find the same affirmation in church. In a family-oriented church, the message seems to be that the purpose of singlehood is simply to prepare for marriage. The church does not always do a good job ministering to the needs of single adults. This is most apparent in home groups, where majority of the people are married and many have children, if not, grown children. In contrast, my church in Vancouver gives out flowers to every lady in the congregation on Mother's Day! If marriage is the divine will for all, then where does the single person fit it in that divine design? In a sex-charged environment like ours, many battle trying to maintain sexual purity and young people are always told to wait until they are married. While this is right, I doubt that this provides the best or highest reason for getting married. Marriage is much more about sex and married people know they have to deal with issues of their sexuality as well. This range from having a satisfying sex life, not being able to have sex for a variety of reasons, or changes in the expression of sexuality as the couple age. Even the use of language reveal a change of attitude: instead of making love we speak of having sex, betraying a consumerist mindset. Other questions include can you be whole if you do not get married? Can single people have wholesome relationship with members of the opposite sex, whether single or married? One thing that Grenz emphasized is that sexuality is so much more than just genital sex or sexual intercourse. I am reminded of a lecture presented passionately by Cherith Fee-Nordling, reminding us that as embodied being, we are sexual beings. While there may not be sex and marriage in eternity, we will still relate with each other as male and female. I believe she made her case and it has made me wonder what would that look like.

In the first few years of my career as a lawyer, I was brought face-to-face with the hard reality of divorce and the breakdown of marriage. At that time in my life, I have attended more divorce proceedings than weddings, added together. I saw a couple who spent a year preparing for their wedding and spent less time in that marriage, before they petitioned for a divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also saw that Christians were not exempted from this reality. Can marriage still be assumed to be right, safe, wise thing to do? for everyone? Even then, ministering to people who are considering divorce brought up a lot of questions for me. How can the church minister to those who are going through this difficult process? These questions grew in my role as a pastor, as we discussed about issues of remarriage, whether we should publicly give our blessings to such union, that is, whether there is any difference between conducting a marriage ceremony and, leading the couple to make a vow before God and offering our blessing. If we do not, are we saying that these unions are not honoured and blessed by God? Would they nevertheless be man and wife in the eyes of God, as well as the law. We had certain policies and practices, but I did not always understand or agree with all of them. I had my own questions about whether we were consistent in our practices or did we have separate set of rules to apply to such situations, and if they were justified. As a single person, I wasn't sure if there was a place for me to offer my thoughts on these matters. But as a pastor for young adults, I knew I had to think through these questions because what we teach our young adults about marriage should be consistent with the counsel we offer when faced with the breakdown of marriage. Later I had questions about whether those who have divorced or remarried can be in positions of leadership in the church, or ordained as a minister. Again, I was looking for a theological basis for thinking through these issues, and even if we do decide to appoint these men (and women), what would be the considerations and guidelines.

Finally, I was always compassionate to the AIDS cause, and saw how Christians have been taught to moralise this disease. This is regretful but I guess it did not help that when I attended AIDS related conferences, the organisers were handing out free condoms, promoting safe sex and encouraging hospitals to offer free, unused IV needles (seen to be encouraging drug abuse). I understand their reasons for doing so, but it added the prejudice that the church had towards this disease, a prejudice which was also held by many in society, equating the disease with immorality, i.e. associated with homosexuals, sex workers and IV drug users. Like global warming and environmental issues, this is a cause that requires all of us to play our part in stopping it. And yes, underlying all these is our fallen and sinful nature which the church needs to address. But through this, it led me to think about ministering to those who are sexually broken, be it homosexuality or sexual addiction, especially in light of various incidents of renown ministers of God falling in this area. What is the Good News that we present to those struggling with these issues? Calling them names and telling them that what they do is an abomination to God, is hardly the best place to start. In the past, the Church unfortunately is seen to have done very little beyond that. While things are slowly changing, conservative evangelicals are sometimes still viewed in this manner today.

The issue of homosexuality is one that I have given further thought to, looking at the implications of it, if it is indeed a 'natural' orientation as some argue. I knew that our theology (i.e. what we really believe, whether or not we articulate it, or articulate it well) will form and determine our policies and actions. The Church cannot effectively reach out and offer love and acceptance to those struggling with homosexuality unless we truly believe that God loves them. How can we demonstrate such love and yet be consistent in our proclamation that homosexual practices are sinful? Should we and how can we embrace such couples into the family of God? Back home, homosexuality is not endorsed in general and people are not as open about such relationships. However I don't believe that means the church can ignore or avoid this issue. Being in Vancouver the last 2 years, these are very real issues for the churches here as same sex unions are given legal recognition. That means long term, monogamous relationship with the commitment of marital vow is a real possibility. The churches are painfully split on this issue as they decide if they should give their blessings to such unions. Sending them to the next church that would give their blessings is hardly a solution!

I've mentioned about policies and practices a few times, my concern for this is because I believe every church has to decide on these matters and thus should do it consistently with teaching of Scriptures and spirit of Christ. I do not care for a legalistic approach which applies the rule without regards for the individual and the unique circumstances of each case. Loving the person without addressing the sin is not loving in truth, but truth without love is deadly. While the church decides on the stand it will take on a particular matter taking into account the reality of our times, our primary concern should be for the person/s whom we are dealing with. It is important that the stand we take should be well thought through, it is just as important, if not more, that we should give consideration on how we implement these stands and offer to lovingly uphold those who are struggling in these areas. I have read books talking about sex and dating books, calling for abstinence in preparation for marriage. other books on marriage and sexuality, which tend to be restricted to upholding the value of sex within the bonds of marriage and address issues like infidelity. There are a few that has truly uphold the biblical model and provide both sound theological basis and practical reasons for marriage.

The books I've read on divorce and remarriage tends to establish grounds for when divorce is justified and whether remarriage is possible for Christians with considerations of the practical difficulties of these relationships in the new marriage. Books on singlehood tend to uphold Jesus and Paul as model of singles, and exhort singleness for more effective service in Christian ministry. The books written on homosexuality often promote certain agendas which colour the way the Bible is read and interpreted. Grenz deals with all these issues that I've raised above and more. It's a really neat book that address the whole realm of human sexuality, including ethics of contraceptions and abortion, as well as techniques to assist procreation. He sets out the theological and ethical consideration based upon Scripture and provides thoughtful application of these biblical principles for the church in dealing with these issues today. He also lays out the arguments that have been raised for the different positions. You may not agree with all his stands but if you don't, you should be prepared to give a well thought-through, theologically-sound reason for it. I find myself resonating with his perspective on many of these issues, providing a good platform for thinking through and conversing about these matters. In doing so, we need to always bear in mind the bigger picture of what the Bible teaches about human sexuality as a whole. This book is definitely one the best investments I've made!

P/s: Most of my posts on this blog are directly exported to my Facebook account. Those who are already connected on Facebook can access it there. I will continue to post my blogs here if I think they are too personal, and for general access for those who do not subscribe to Facebook.

pp/s: You probably already notice that this is not a book review, but simply sharing of my thoughts some matters that matters to me. A number of writers have written on human sexuality and gender. Last summer Regent offered at least 2 summer courses on this topic and the summer before, a course dealing with addictions which included sexual addiction. I know of at least 2 courses being offered on this topic this summer, including one by Cherith Fee-Nordling entitled 'Holy and Wholly Embodied: The Incarnation and Why It Matters Every Day'. You can probably see that this subject is indeed gaining popularity, or perhaps you can say, it's finally coming out of the closet.
2 excellent lectures which I've heard that has really inspired me, is firstly by Cherith, 'To Be or Not To Be: Bodily Resurrection or Immortality of the Soul' (Summer 2005, Public Evening Lecture) and secondly Sarah Williams during Christian Thought and Culture class (Winter 2006) - the audio recording for this lecture is now available: A Sexual Reformation? Marriage and Sexuality in the Contemporary Paradigm

Not be discouraged

In the beginning he spent the hours appointed for private prayer in thinking of God, so as to convince his mind and impress deeply upon his heart the Divine Existence. He did this by devout sentiments and submission to the lights of faith, rather than by studied reasonings and elaborate meditations. By this short and sure method he immersed himself in the knowledge and love of God. He resolved to use his utmost endeavor to live in a continual sense of His presence, and, if possible, never to forget Him more.

When he had thus, in prayer, filled his mind with that Infinite Being, he went to his work in the kitchen where he was then cook for the community. There, having first considered the things his job required, and when and how each thing was to be done; he spent all the intervals of his time, both before and after his work, in prayer.

When he began, he said to God with a filial trust, "O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections." As he proceeded in his work, he continued his familiar conversation with his Maker, imploring His grace, and offering Him all his actions.

When he was finished, he examined how he had performed his duty. If he found well, he returned thanks to God. If not, he asked pardon and, without being discouraged, he set his mind right again. He then continued his exercise of the presence of God as if he had never deviated from it. "Thus," said he, "by rising after my falls, and by frequently renewed acts of faith and love, I have come to a state where it would be as difficult for me not to think of God as it was at first to accustom myself to the habit of thinking of Him." (emphasis mine).


Brother Lawrence
Practicing the Presence of God

Honest Worship

I've been thinking about how we worship, in light with the book 'Faking Church' that I've been reading. This book has given me lots of food for thought. One thing I noticed is that our worship songs are filled with 'feeling' words. I don't know about you but sometimes I find it hard to sing those songs, when I don't feel that way. I don't want to offer God praises with my lips when my heart seems so far from what I'm singing. Yes, there is a place where we have to proclaim by faith and sing what is true according to God's Word even when we don't 'feel' it is true. There is also a place of offering a sacrifice of praise, where we praise God for who He is and what He has done and those truths are objectively true even though it may not be how I perceive the reality of my present experience.

What I'm referring to is the state of our emotions and whether they are consistent with what we are singing, especially when many of the songs have words that describe our passion for Him. The ancient meaning for that word is suffering. The early church fathers were skeptical of passions, because it means to be responsive to an external influence. And for them, spirituality is about training ourselves not to be reactive and dependent on external factors, but that we be disciplined in our walk, not susceptible to external influences. Today, passion is often seen as an intense emotion. Can we really maintain that sort of passion about Christ and God all the time? Can we honestly sing these songs when we don't feel the passion? Perhaps we can, because someone once said, Passion is doing what you ought to do even when you don't feel like it. However I must say that I feel like a phoney singing "Yes, I'm so in love with You" when I don't feel the least bit in love with God.

Is our relationship with God dependent on our feelings? No and it shouldn't be but you can't deny that it plays a big part. I guess we can look at couples who are in love and also those who have been married for many years. Couples who are in love often feel very strong and intense emotions but we know that such highly charged emotions are not the basis for building a strong and lasting relationship, because what happens to the relationship when you no longer feel the passion for each other? However these emotions are very real and can make us believe that this must be the real thing. Yet we know that we cannot always trust our emotions at these points but need to give ourselves time for it to cool off, especially if we are making a life-changing decision based on them. The state of mind of someone who is infatuated is said to be no different than a person who is insane (temporary insanity), and are thus not in their right mind and it is usually unwise to make any major decisions in this state of mind. A long term marriage on the other hand can be full of passion, but it may feel very different even though the intensity and degree may not be any less that those of newly wed, or if not, more.

Some have suggested 'tweaking' some of the lyrics of the songs we sing. One speaker, Benny Ong, used to sing 'I surrender MORE', rather than 'I surrender ALL!'. So, perhaps one could sing, 'Jesus I want to be so in love with You' (Let my words be few), or add words like, 'Help me be ...', 'Teach me to...', etc. At the end of the day, I believe God sees our heart and know we want to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.

How have you been tempted or tried?

I am currently leading a bible study among some of those who come for the Alpha group meetings, with a study on the book of James. The first thing that hits you in that book is 'Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance'. Well, James is a pretty direct kind of guy and does not bit around the bush. So when I came across the passage below in the Sayings of the Desert Fathers, I paused to consider what trials have the Lord brought my way and if I recognised them?

When the devil does not use the goads of poverty to tempt, he uses wealth for the purpose. When he cannot win by scorn and mockery, he tries praise and flattery. If he cannot win by providing health, he tries illness; if he cannot win by comfort, he tries to ruin the soul by vexations which lead a person to act against their vows (as a Christian) ... he does all these to shake the love we feel toward God.

We tend to equate suffering, bad stuff, unpleasant experiences as trials and are quick to say that these are from the devil ... this passage reminds me that I am not to quickly assume that wealth, good health and praises and flattery (or compliments and acknowledgments) are without their dangers. I'm not saying that these 'blessings' are not from God, however I am cautioned that the devil tries to use the things God intends for good, and turn it around to harm us. On the other hand, God is more than able to turn around what the enemy intends for our harm, and use it to make something good out of it. One of my prof (Chris Hall) said something that has stuck in my head, that is we should learn to distinguish the things that harm us and those that hurt us. While some experiences may hurt, they cannot necessarily harm us. Thus not all pain is bad. Sometimes pain is good - it informs us something is amiss and helps us to remove ourselves from potentially greater danger. A good book on this topic is 'The Gift of Pain' by Paul Brand Phillip Yancey. For a generation that has adopted 'happiness' and comfort as the ultimate goal of life and seek to avoid pain at all cost, this may sound jarring to our ears.

Pray anyway

Perhaps you can identify with the lyrics of this song. Pray anyway and keep praying.

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Album: Wake Up Laughing (2007)
Lyrics: Martina McBride, Brad and Brett Warren
Listen to it here.

Raw Fellowship

Recently I received a gift from a friend. It's a book entitled Faking Church. Yes, interesting title - don't ask me why he picked this book for me. It's a book that I believed God hand-picked for me for this season. I don't often receive books as gifts simply because my friends find it hard to buy me books, considering the number of books I already have ... too many that I lose track of them myself. There's one particular chapter that have kinda hit home for me and given me lots of food for thought. The topic is on friendship vs. fellowship in church. Prior to this, some have heard me talked about spiritual friendship. Aptly, someone has asked me if there was any difference between spiritual friendship and fellowship. The answer that I could think of was spiritual friendship, for me at least, is focused on the mutuality and intentionality of the relationship, where we intentionally 'mentor' (to use a marketplace terminology) each other towards spiritual growth. Fellowship is not necessarily as intentional and although intended to spur each other's spiritual growth, it is not quite as focused if you think of fellowship as being with the church at large.

The author points out that fellowship is different (although overlap in many ways) with friendship in that it is not based on shared interest or common background, but our common commitment to Christ. Fellowship is based on the fact that we're family, and it is not optional. We may not like each other very much in the natural sense and some of the deepest fellowships can be shared with people we're unlikely to have picked as our friends. Sure there will be some, if not many, in our fellowship that we also find easy to be friends with, but the point is we should be limited by those factors. We commit ourselves to our family members not because we necessarily like them or even are like them (though we may be more like them than we sometimes like to admit), but because we share a common identity. Fellowship is more than hanging out together socially, working together on a project or simply doing stuff together.

Thus I'm challenged to re-think fellowship and what it entails. Fellowship is intended for us to spur each other to grow spiritually. We may develop a deep friendship from the fellowship we share with each other, and this fellowship will continue through eternity. Hey, that's longer than how long a marriage will last, and marriage is as close as you get to another human being, in terms of being family and friend! We are called to be in fellowship … it's easy to do cyber friendship and virtual fellowship, but until we get to heaven, the local church is the real deal. Real people, real problems, real time fellowship. I imagine coming into a new church, is like being the new bride and meeting your in-laws. You probably won't like all of them instantly, some are warm and some treat you less than an outsider (they treat 'visitors' better than you). It takes a while to get used to their lingo, inside jokes, etc and we need to invest time in these relationships. But even if you feel like you don't belong, you do. You're part of the family and so are they. And these family relationships might even outlast our own natural family ties. That's one scary thought to ponder on…

Those who have ears

Take time to listen to the Word of God. In our culture of constant bombardment of visual images and noise, added to our practice of silent reading (which is a result of Enlightenment and foreign in antiquity) we are not very good at listening. In some of our churches we may not practise reading of Scriptures (whether silent or aloud) regularly. This is the main tenet of my proposed thesis and has been confirmed by the lecturers. Gordon Fee and Christopher Hall, in the classes I've been attending these few weeks. They strongly emphasize listening the Word - Chris calls it reading with the ears of our hearts.

For those who are interested here are 2 products you may want to consider.
1. TNIV Bible Experience - The New Testament has been released and named Audiobook of the Year, the most prestigious award for excellence in audiobooks, by the Audio Publishers Association (APA). Narrators include some top Hollywood personalities like Angela Bassett (Narrator), Cuba, Jr. Gooding (Narrator), Samuel L. Jackson (Narrator), T. D. Jakes (Narrator), Blair Underwood (Narrator).
See the video of the making at Zondervan site. The Complete Bible is scheduled to be released on 7th September.
Of course, listener should be mindful of their emphasis and pauses, which can affect our understanding of a particular passage.

2. NIV read by Max Maclean
This is read at a good pace with appropriate emphasis. You can listen the whole Bible online (free): NIV Audio. You can purchase it in MP3 or other audio format, or you can choose to download it. I have found his emphasis and dramatising easy to follow.


Finally BibleGateway offers free audio Bibles online (Max Maclean reads the NIV version). You can also get the other versions as well as Bible in other languages, as well as different Chinese dialect - this is especially helpful for those who are illiterate.

Fascination with dates

Yes, I have a thing about noting certain dates, like today's: 07.07.07! The best part is, this works no matter where you come from and what order you write your dates. Of course this only refers to the Roman calendar and does not apply to lunar or Muslim calendar.

p/s: Have you noticed how lawyers have a tendency to qualify and defend what they say even as they are saying it? I hope that does not irritate you. Can't help it.

In Loving Memory of Dr Koh Eng Kiat

Receiving news of Dr Koh's demise brought deep sadness in my heart. I know my church and his family, as well as many around the world who knows him, will mourn his loss. He is humble man that I respect and dearly love. I first got to know him in early 90s when my family shared an apartment with his wife during a church camp. Ever since that time, he learned the name of every family member and make mention of the rest whenever he saw one of us. I am grateful for the privilege to have served in FGA under his leadership. After my meeting with him before I left, I did wonder if it would be the last time I would see him. When he was taken very ill recently, I did pray that the Lord will let me see him one more time. Now I am torn by the fact that I can't be home for his funeral. I pray that the Lord will bless his soul and comfort all who grieve his departure.

Dr. Koh Eng Kiat

9 November 1924 – 29 June 2007

“What will be the measure of my days, weeks and years passed? How will my life be valued? What will matter is not what I bought, but what I have chosen to build. Not what I received, but what I have shared and given you. What will matter is not what I learned, But what I have taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate from my example. What will matter is not my competence, but my integrity and character; my true grit. What will matter is not how many people I have known, rich or poor, but how many will feel a lasting loss when I am gone. What will matter are not my faded memories, but the memories of those who knew and have loved me.”

When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound, and time shall be no more; And the morning breaks, eternal, bright and fair; When the saved of earth shall gather over on the other shore, And the roll is called up yonder, Dr Koh’ll be there

By the grace of God, when the roll is called up yonder, may all of us be there.

Memorial Services:
Saturday (30 June 07), 08.30pm

Sunday (01 July 07)
07.30am, 11.00am, 02.30pm, 08.30pm

Funeral service at L5, Wisma FGA:
Monday (02 July 07) - 02.00pm
(thereafter to Nilai Memorial Park)

More than birds in the air and lilies in the fields

I have been praying about certain things and asking the Lord for direction for my next step. One of the main concern was financial and not knowing if I can afford to keep up my studies despite all the hurdles the Lord has enabled me to go through thus far. Last Thursday, as I was walking around the shops at the University village, I literally told myself (aloud), 'Don't worry, God will take care of you!' Immediately I felt a profound sense of comfort flooding me.

I then head out to meet a visiting professor who asked if I could help her translate some manuscripts she received from Indonesia. I'm not particularly fluent in Bahasa Malaysia, much less Bahasa Indonesia. Anyways, she offered to pay me for this task. Then I went home and saw a letter from the IRA in the mail. My heart dropped a little cause in my experience, it is never good news. So I was most surprised when I found a cheque for a few hundred dollars. It blew my mind considering I don't even earn enough money to pay tax! The next day I picked up a pay-cheque from the office and together with another cheque that I received from a friend the day before, I deposited the money into the bank with a very deep sense of gratitude, being assured that God knows exactly where I am. His sense of timing is perfect. I am awed simply to know that He cares.

As if that's not enough, later that evening, He sent an angel to knock on my door, bearing gifts of bread, jam, fruits, vegetable, cooking condiment, etc. Now talk about sending me a message loud and clear. It's as close as having it written in the sky! This is not the first time I've received such gifts (see earlier blogs), especially since I've come here, but neither are they regular features in my life. They have always served as tangible signs of God's goodness, reminding me that He can provide in ways beyond what I can think or imagine. And although He's shown this to me before, thus I should have learned my lesson by now, He's willing to do it again. I am humbled by His amazing grace and love for me.

I suppose one can rationalise and explain exactly where each of these came from (natural means), but I can't deny the timing at which they came. At the end of the day, while they do not serve as indicators of how I should decide, I'm assured that no matter what my decision is, I hold on to the fact that God cares and He will provide for my needs. It is a lesson of learning to trust the Lord and I'm grateful for His patience with me, a slow learner. I am also thankful that He's fully committed to the task of helping me move from self-reliance to God-reliance, and will spare nothing, but do whatever it takes, to achieve that end.

p/s: Thank you all for leaving your comments. I am glad this has served to encourage you. There is a little post script to the above. In that same week, my housemate started bringing home endless supply of the most wonderful pastries and even sandwiches. He started work at a coffee shop and gets to bring back all these goodies (2-3 shopping bags full!) when he closes the store, which is as often as 2-3 times a week. So not only does He not give us a stone when we ask for bread, He is able to supply croissant, danish pastries, muffins, scones, rye bread sandwiches, lemon loaves, and lots more! The fact is I usually resist buying these, especially in coffee shops, cause they're pretty pricey. Oh, another one... I have a thing about buying hair bands (to tie my hair with). They cost much more than what I would like to pay and since they have a tendency to be loose and get lost, I usually make do with whatever I can find. Last week I received 4 brand new, good quality ones delivered in the mail. Indeed nothing is too small (or too big) for our God.

I arise today

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Jesus and Film

I've always been a huge movie buff and a firm believer that there's lots that the movies can speak to our culture, and provide inroads for conversation and theological reflection. One of our professors spoke precisely on that, affirming that for our the present generation, movie is the main medium for this communication. He made some pretty good points about how movies draws us into the story and enable us to participate in it, allowing us to come to the conclusion without telling us straight out what it 'should' be. I totally resonate with many of his reflections.

Here are some books he recommended that can provide further food for thought:
Reel Spirituality: Theology and Film in Dialogue (Engaging Culture) by Robert Johnston
A Stay Against Confusion: Essays on Faith and Fiction by Ron Hansen

I was surprised to find that there are many sites on this topic. I've listed a sample of them which I hope to revisit when I have time.
http://www.cmu.ca/library/faithfilm.html
http://post.queensu.ca/~rsa/Real2Reel/realreel.htm
http://theresurgence.com/gospel_culture_and_church/film
http://www.usask.ca/relst/jrpc/index.html

The Daily Decalogue

1) Only for today, I will seek to live the live the whole day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5) Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10) Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

By Pope John XXIII

To conclude: here is an all-embracing resolution: "I want to be kind, today and always, to everyone". In this way, we can put Pope John's hope for every Christian into practice

Every believer in this world must be a spark of light, a core of love, life-giving leaven in the mass: and the more he is so, the more he will live, in his innermost depths, in communion with God.

Law or Gospel?

I've not been blogging for a while. Came upon some thoughts about my quest to learn to read passages like Sermon on the Mount and thought I'd blog it, only to notice that that was in fact the topic of my last blog. That's not to say I've not been reflecting and learning other cool stuff, especially in my current class on 'A Theology of Weakness: Thinking Biblically about Suffering', with Marva Dawn. She has given us lots to mull on and it has also led me to some of her other writings. Yet when once again, I find the Lord leading me to deeper insight on how we should read the Word. This is tremendously encouraging for me to know that He understands the depth of my struggles with regards to this topic and is extremely patient to teach me, leading me step by step. The quotation below is taken from Marva's book entitled, 'I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms'. Here goes...

This intentionality has significant implication for the way in which we read the Scriptures. We can choose to read them as law or as gospel - as our objectives for the day, which we must reach or as our goal for the direction of our lives, the way in which we are learning to move.
If we read exhortations such as to "put on compassion" as law, we are crushed by our failure, for it is impossible for us to put on compassion perfectly. If we see those same promptings as gospel invitations, then to be compassionate is our goal; it orients the direction in which we move through our days, but it is not the day's objective, which we will have failed to meet if we don't get there by tonight. Our day's objectives might include doing acts of compassion, like caring for a sick neighbour or giving more money and more of ourselves away to help the poor, but these are simply movements toward the goal of being yielded to God who forms us into compassionate people.

(Dawn, Marva. I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms. Revised ed. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1998. p 26.)

Thus the gospel invitation is for us to become more Christlike and know where we should set our direction. Ultimately my faith is in the Lord to bring me to the final destination, as I constantly depend upon Him and learn to cooperate with His Spirit to choose and move with Him in the direction set out in the Word. It's a direction for me to grow in to, rather than a mark I must hit everyday, or ever in this lifetime. So instead of looking at it as hit or miss, I can see it as a process of growth. Moreover it is not about hitting the mark once or twice, today, but rather that I would grow in this virtue, becoming more and more like Christ, and with the hope that I might one day find that it has become my 'natural' response - if not here, then at least in eternity. Thus we are not Christians because we have proven ourselves to be a compassionate person, but rather, being a Christian, the Lord invites us to allow Him to mould us and help us grow in His likeness. I have to resist my tendency to measure my spiritual walk as something to be achieved, or constantly keeping count of the times I've 'missed', as if to say that this is how God views me and my walk with Him.

Some more thoughts on the Sermon on the Mount

Looks like I'm not the only one who struggle with the Sermon on the Mount.

This is the link to a fellow Regent student's blog and her thoughts on the Sermon after a class with one of our beloved Regent faculty, Darrell Johnson.

Worth the price of admission

I'm sure you've come across a thought when reading a book or attending a seminar which makes you feel like that idea/quote itself is worth the price of admission (or the cost of the book). Knowing how expensive our classes are in Regent, we have a collection of quotes which we feature in our weekly students' newsletter, "The Et Cetera". In our Soul of Ministry class this week, I felt a light bulb turned on in my head with the following statements which I felt qualified as 'worth the price of admission' for that class, if not the entire course!

1. Obstacles in our journey of faith are meant to develop our faith and help us grow. They are not evidence that our faith does not work.
2. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty!

These statements were said back-to-back with hardly a pause between them, the former was by lecturer and the latter by a fellow student. Just before that class, I was sharing with my professor how I could reconsider the way I view matters of faith in strictly black and white categories, and make room for more gray. By this I do not mean that there is no black and white in moral issues, but I am learning to see that not everything can easily and simply (or simplistically) be categorised as black or white. It causes us to assume we are able to make that judgment accurately in every situation. Black and white makes things manageable and gives us a sense of security - but this is a false sense of security. Such clear cut categories leaves no room for grace because grace is often gray. It is learning to see that in every situation, even in the bleakest, darkest, most broken and marred by sin, there is forgiveness, redemption and hope. Grace is scandalous ... and my mind struggles to maintain the paradox. It was as if God was listening to our conversation (which we prayed He would and acknowledged that He did) and prepared me for His answer in class.

The first statement has tripped me up for a long time. I've often, and have been doing so for a long time, wondered at my failure to live up to my 'faith'. In my previous blogs I've asked the question of whether the Sermon on the Mount is prescriptive or descriptive, prompted by my struggle with my failure to live up to the demands of Christ. If you think the 10 commandments is difficult, I think the Sermon on the Mount is impossible - well, almost impossible at least. I've tended to conclude that since it's impossible, then I might as well forget it altogether cause who am I fooling? (Notice the all-or-nothing/ black-and-white categories, and you can imagine how this would affect my view of legal practice, the pastoral ministry or relationships!) Why claim to be a Christian and not live up to the most basic teaching of Christ? Why bother? Who is that going to impress?

Rather than looking at faith as a practice, something that I can never perfect on this side of heaven but am constantly practising and will always have to keep practising... Instead of seeing them as opportunities for my faith to be stretched and grow (and even to correct my wrong ideas about faith), I tend to conclude that my faith does not work and tempted to give it up altogether. I know this sounds crazy and I'm learning to identify some of these faulty belief system that I default to in my thinking pattern and analysis of things that happen in life. Thus I am reminded that we always live up to our faith, not to our professed system of belief - and we spend a life time closing the gap. Someone helpfully pointed out to me that the Sermon on the Mount is not a requirement to get in the kingdom, or to remain in the kingdom, but it would be best for us if we live by it, or at least seek to do so. That gives me such a sense of liberty, to want to follow it, or at least attempt to do so, rather than doing it because I have to.

Opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. We want to figure everything out and know what's coming up ahead, or predict the outcome. If we are able to do that, we don't need faith. We don't need God. We become god or are gods. I know there's a sense of assurance that accompanies faith and I'm not talking about that. However the opposite of faith is to be in control. We want to reach a point where we do not need God. Have you thought about how we constantly ask God for healing, provision, peace, etc ... what if He gave us all that - would we still need Him? Should we not be like the Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 who prayed, 'Lord, do not make me so poor that I curse You, or so rich that I have no need for You'? I'd rather anytime remain in the place in need of faith and in need of God, and trusting that He knows our needs and is faithful to provide for us according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

As I reflect on my time here in Regent College, I can see how the Lord has been at work in my life all these years. I've gone through over 5 years of deconstruction prior to coming to Regent. that has prepared me for this season. This probably why I've desired to come to Regent and have kept that dream to do so for more than 5 years before I finally came. But the Lord knew I was not ready to come, not yet. I can see that He has brought me here to reconstruct some of my belief systems. I know He is still working on me and will continue to do so until He returns, or when He calls me home. It is out of His love that He has drawn me and brought me here, giving me a yearning for more of Him - for the real Him. It is because of His grace that I am able to go through this journey towards healing and look at life with fresh hope. Sounds like I'm going through a conversion process. Indeed I'm looking forward to celebrating this Easter with a renewed sense of God's amazing and abundant grace!

Jesus the Only Way?