Changes

Discernment: doing what is right

2008-03-24T20:42:00.012-07:00

I've been reading Bonhoeffer's Ethics for my course on ThM seminar on 'Theology of Bonhoeffer'. We're reading a collection of his work and I realize that Cost of Discipleship (now simply Discipleship in the critical edition, Dietrich Bonhoeffer Works series), is the more popular of his writings. His life and writings offer much food for thought. For now, I'm chewing on some of these ideas ...

In discerning what Jesus is saying to us, we would usually confirm what we hear with some of the following guidelines: does it contradict with the Word? is it legal? is it in line with common sense? is it loving? With that in mind, has it ever bothered you that Jesus often chose to heal on the Sabbath? He could have healed on Monday or any other day, but he chose to do it on Sabbath. We know that Jesus' miracles did not usually stopped at the miracle (or healing) itself, but was a sign and an occasion which he used to teach. Usually he did not set out to heal in order to prove he was God. Otherwise he could have healed all those whom he met who were ill. But obviously that did not happen (and perhaps that's troubled you and you've often asked why). That is probably a good topic for discussion at another time, but for now, I want to focus on the 'legality' of what he did. Yes, we know there are no laws against healing or doing good. In those days, the Pharisees were troubled not because Jesus healed but because he refused to 'observe' the Sabbath. But Jesus himself said he did not come to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. So perhaps in this case we may argue that he was fulfilling the spirit of the law, and the so-called Sabbath laws were not really God's commands but man-made additions and therefore can be ignored (??) for the sake of doing a higher good? ... food for thought. So perhaps you're thinking that to heal a person and set him/her free from a long term oppression is doing something loving towards another, and therefore should trump these 'laws'. We should not be legalistic about it. Pause for a moment to think about our use of the word legalistic. What about flouting the Sabbath laws to meet our needs - disciples picking corn on the field? Would meeting a 'selfish' bodily need also justify 'breaking the law'? No doubt in this case, one may say that the Sabbath law is a religious law and thus only have moral obligations, and it's not technically illegal. Well, in light of the Old Testament, it is more than a moral obligation, but is in fact a civil obligation, at least for a Jew. Jesus and his disciples were Jews. Was Jesus putting away an old order and instituting a new one ... and if so, would he still be fulfilling the law? Or was it justified because it was more moral and loving to 'break the Sabbath' than to observe it in these cases?

Take it one step further now with Bonhoeffer. Would God ask us to do something that is illegal which is also against His commandments? Bonhoeffer felt God had led him to be part of the plot to assassinate Hitler. And no matter how evil Hitler is, it doesn't change the fact that it would tantamount to murder, which is clearly forbidden both in the 10 Commandments as well as Sermon on the Mount. You may not agree with Bonhoeffer on whether such acts can ever be justified but the fact that the church considers Bonhoeffer a martyr (he was executed by Hitler when his plans failed), is a testimony that we believe he acted in good faith. Bonhoeffer does not deny that it is wrong in the sense that it is against the commandment of God, but he saw that this evil was necessary to bring an end to much greater evil.

Bonhoeffer views a Christian as one who is called to live responsibly, i.e. in response to the call of Christ (continued obedience to him), and to live responsibly towards others. In the latter, it means standing in solidarity with and on behalf of those who are poor, powerless and persecuted. In doing so, we're standing with Christ because Christ identifies himself with those who are least among us ... Failure to act and intervene as well as intercede on their behalf is to fail in our Christian duty. More food for thought.

Back to the question of discernment. Bonhoeffer points out that we must be careful not to be too confident in our own knowledge of good and evil. Often when we try to discern God's will we are too preoccupied with getting it RIGHT. While we do our best to discern, we can only be certain to some degree, because there is always an element of faith as we obey what we sense God is saying to us. This element of faith is an important one, and perhaps can put many of us at ease, rather than trying to attain absolute certainty when we are discerning God's guidance in our given situation.

Some basic questions we use in 'confirming' our decisions are as follows:
1) Is it legal? The concern here would be legally permissible, which is the lowest common denominator. We will probably agree that this consideration is irrelevant if it breaks God's moral code. Thus we do not obey an order of the State if we are told to worship an idol. Although some may say this is a given, but it probably should not be surprising how many of us fall back on this in ethically gray areas, especially when it is to our advantage.
2) Is it according to God's laws? The concern here is for what is right and morally permissible. A good guideline in principle.
3) Is it loving? If doing what is morally permissible will hurt our neighbour, aggravate or extend their suffering, then it is more loving (and not immoral) to break the moral code. I expect this might ruffle some feathers. This is a good time to re-consider the word we used earlier: Legalistic.
Other questions include: is it in line with common sense? Does it lead to desolation or consolation? (Ignatian discernment; i.e. does it lead me to withdraw from God or draw closer to God?)

However ultimately the one question we seek to answer is: Is this what God is calling me to do?
It may be legal, right and loving thing to do but if it is not what God has asked me to do, then it may be wrong for me to do it. Or should I assume God has called me to do that? (More question mark!) Can the reverse be true? Even if it is illegal, wrong, and unloving, my duty is still to obey. (At this point alone, you are probably all ready to conclude I'm a heretic!) Bonhoeffer was speaking against German Christians who went along with Nazi's program (doing what is legal) and consoled by the fact that they were doing what was "right" (morally permissible but even though it was unloving towards their Jewish neighbour). However in being part of the assassination plot, he did what was illegal (against Nazi regime), immoral (moral ideal would be to forgive your enemy ... hmm always? further food for thought), and unloving (at least to Hitler), and yet ...

Nb. I am aware of examples like Corrie Ten Boom's sister who refused to lie when asked by the authorities if they were hiding Jews in their home. She believed God would protect them without her having to lie about it - although some would argue that in this case, it was necessary and probably justified, to prevent a greater evil and protect lives. She openly pointed out their hiding place when the authorities came to search the house but they refused to believe she was telling them the truth and did not search that spot, thus God honoured her faith!

Jesus said, "my meat is to do the will of the one who sent me" (John 4:34) and "The Son is not able to do anything himself; he is able to do only what he sees the Father doing" (John 5:19).
Is this idea dangerous? Yes, you bet. Is this what it means to walk by the Spirit? (Gal 5) Probably.
The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit. (John 3:8)

Response? Bring them on! Love to hear your input.

National Identity - Conflict for Christians?

2008-03-18T23:04:00.001-07:00

I often read blogs that begin with an apology, especially for not blogging. While that would be most justified here, I shall resist the temptation to follow the trend, and get right into it.

I have been giving a lot of thought to this topic of how Christians should think of their national identity. Is national pride biblical? Or are we to renounce all national ties and be loyal to our heavenly citizenship alone? I've read articles of Christians who'd go as far as saying that we should not salute or stand at attention to the flag, sing the national anthem or recite the 'Rukunegara' (equivalent to a national pledge). In light of the recent developments in Malaysia I've been having very strong feelings for the nation, a deep concern for its future. I feel passionate about some of these issues, and realize that I care a lot about her people. I don't believe this is of my own doing, but then again I'm trying to understand how do we relate to our national root. It's not uncommon for me to hear others , or even for myself, speak in terms having a burden for a certain nation. How does God view nations?

In Genesis, we saw the birth of different nations. He started revealing himself to a nation, through a man and his family. God built this nation, dwelt among them and called himself, her leader and king. He addressed different nations according to how they related to Israel, the people of God. People groups and nations were not always differentiated in the Bible, although in socio-political definition there probably are differences between the two although I'm not entirely sure what they are. Jesus himself was born a Jew and that was part of his identity as a man. He fulfilled his civil responsibilities by paying taxes (that could have been a temple tax, and thus arguably a religious duty). But he did exhort the people to pay what is due to Caesar, who was clearly a pagan ruler that demanded the people's total loyalty, calling himself Kurios (Lord). In the Great Commission, Jesus calls us to disciple the nations - the word here can also mean people group, but it definitely points to distinctive groups rather than the world as a whole. In the New Testament, we are told to pray for our government. Paul himself was not afraid to claim his full rights as a Roman citizen when he was unlawfully detained. Nevertheless we also have exhortations stating, "In Christ, there is now no Greek or Jew..." (Gal 3:28) Finally at the end, in Revelations, the nations will be judged and in the new earth, the nations will be present to offer their worship to God.

This is just a brief stream of thoughts on this topic. I'm still thinking through about this issue and appreciate if I can have some input, especially if you've given it some thought or can direct me to a good resource. Some may argue that the nations are really people groups, and it's not about a nation State, which is a human construct. That's a possibility, but I need help to see how this applies biblically and where does that leave me in terms of my civil responsibilities and rights as a Christian. One fear that others have voiced is the fear of patriotism and nationalism, which for them, often leads to a sense of superiority. Again, I admit that fear is not unfounded, however I believe it is possible to speak of different national identity without speaking of them in terms of one being superior than the other.

One thing that I've been giving more thought is the number of Malaysians I know who've chosen to migrate and reside in another country, but never gave up their Malaysian citizenship (and of course this is a common phenomena not only with Malaysians). I guess in a sense I am feeling some tension about that and still trying to reconcile what I see. I realize that people often migrate for many different reasons and I don't want to, nor can I, judge them for their decision. I can accept that one who love the country may, for very good reasons, feel compelled to leave it and choose to reside somewhere else. The question I have is, after living for a while out there, why not give up your Malaysian citizenship and choose to adopt a new citizenship? I know that everyone has a freedom to choose and if the government does not require you to make that choice, it's not for me to question your decision. I'm just trying to think through the Christian ethical implications on this issue. I've always been raised to think that a mature adult = a responsible citizen, which means doing your part and contribute towards the country, building it up for future generation. Don't ask me where I got all these ideas - Civic class? Thus if you decide to put your roots in one country, then fully adopt the country as your home. I have no issues with such changes because I recognize that's part of life. I cannot see the point of keeping Malaysian citizenship when your ability to contribute to the country is minimal. What really bugs me is when friends who've left Malaysia insist on telling us how we can do better if we only .... or keep sending me emails about how badly Malaysia is being governed, which only serves to further justify their decision to leave (yet not give it up altogether). In such case, they have one mind/heart in Malaysia, while they are living off those lovely countries they have migrated to. What then is your contribution to the country you've migrated to, if not to participate in it fully as a citizen ...?

Perhaps you find my view too narrow and too polarized. I don't mean for this to offend anyone, and apologize if you've been so offended. I am simply trying to think aloud. I admit I'm often told that I think in too "black and white" terms. I am open to be corrected. I also understand that life is often much more complicated than that. Some plan to return to Malaysia eventually, perhaps to retire. Others still have lots of ties to family in Malaysia, thus prefer to have their options open. Some move because of marriage, and others may be there because of work. I have also met those who felt led to move, but did so with great reluctance, and continue to care deeply for Malaysia by constantly praying for her. What should be our considerations in making such a decision as a Christian? That's what I'm after.

The New Holy Trinity

2008-02-08T23:48:00.003-08:00

We live in an age in which we have all been trained from the cradle to choose for ourselves what is best for us. We have a few years of apprenticeship at this before we are sent out on our own, but the training begins early. By the time we can hold a spoon we choose between half a dozen cereals for breakfast, ranging from Cheerios Bran Flakes. Our tastes, inclinations and appetites are consulted endlessly. We are soon deciding what clothes we will wear and in what style we will have our hair cut. The options proliferate: what TV channels we will view, what college we will attend, what courses we will take in school, what model and colour of car we will buy, what church we will join. We learn early, with multiple confirmations as we grow older, that we have a say in the formation of our lives, and within certain bounds, the decisive say. If the culture does a thorough job on us – and it turns out to be mighty effective with most of us – we enter adulthood with the working assumptions that whatever we need and want and feel forms the divine control of our lives.

Intoroducing the new Holy Trinity. The sovereign self expresses itself in Holy Needs, Holy Wants, and Holy Feelings. The time and intelligence that our ancestors spent on understanding the sovereignty revealed in Father, Son and Holy Spirit are directed by our contemporaries in affirming and validation the sovereignty of our needs, wants and feelings.

My needs are non-negotiable. My so-called rights, defined in individually, are fundamental to my identity. My need for fulfillment. For expression, for affirmation, for sexual satisfaction, for respect, my need to get my own way – all these provide a foundation to the centrality of me and fortify my self against diminution.

My wants are evidence of my expanding sense of kingdom. I train myself to think big because I am big, important, significant. I am larger than life and so require more and more goods and services, more things and more power. Consumption and acquisition are the new fruits of the spirit.

My feelings are the truth of who I am. Any thing or person who can provide me with ecstasy, with excitement, with joy, with stimulus, with spiritual connection validates my sovereignty. This, of course, involves employing quite a large cast of therapists, travel agents, gadgets and machines, recreations and entertainments to case out the devils of boredom or loss or discontent – all the feelings that undermine or challenge my self-sovereignty.

Eugene Peterson, Eat This Book (p31-32)

postscript:

In many Asian cultures, the common good is given much more value than the individual needs, wants or feelings. Thus there is tremendous pressure to conform and not stick out. Add to that, it is a taboo to offer a dissenting view or to look critically at tradition and culture. We know that one of the biggest threat to individuals in any given society is to be ostracised or treated as an outcast. While this is true of human socieities at large, it is particularly poignant in Asian communities. While this may keep the new un-holy trinity at bay, what really happens is the needs, wants and feelings of the group takes the place of the individual and forms the alternative un-holy trinity. The needs, wants and feelings of the group is sovereign. At times, this can result in deep inner conflict when the needs of the individual are in conflict with the needs of the group and the individual's desire to remain part of the group.

In Asian churches, this pressure to conform is translated into teachings that emphasise on the unity of the church and concern for our neighbour. As a result we baptise our culture and this creates cultural blindspots in our theology and teaching. We use the Bible to coerce members to conform to certain (culturally acceptable) patterns of behaviour or get them to align with the leader's (or leaders') agenda. We manipulate and control people and forget that we are all unique individuals created in the image of God.

It is important to know our own cultural blindspots and be careful that we do not baptise our own culture but need to learn to look at ourselves critically. This applies to Asian communities as well as Western ones. Only then can we see what is needed in our theology and teaching to challenge our cultural assumptions and values that are in conflict with Scripture. Asian churches that emphasise on our uniqueness as individuals may be accussed of bringing in western values. The fact is we are called to be counter-cultural and we need each other to help read and understand the Bible more faithfully. while the emphasis may differ from one culture to another, it is not because any particular culture that is superior or that we should seek to emulate.

However what we strive for is the Christian perspective and to emulate Christ. The call for Christians is to give up and hand over our individual's needs, wants and feelings, not in exchange for the group's, but for His will. We are to submit to Him as our sovereign Lord, trusting Him to meet our needs as He sees fit. This does not mean He will ignore our desires, wants or feelings, because, at a deeper level, even these desires are given by God. However we are not to take things into our own hands and be preoccupied with meeting them by our own means. We are called instead to surrender them to Him, submit our wills to Him and allow Him to mould our feelings, to align with His will. We are respondible to do our part and work to meet some of these, but if this is the goal of all our efforts then they become our idols. No, then we become our own gods. But in submitting to Him, He does call and enable us to live beyond ourselves, to love others and consider others more than ourselves. Not because the other, or the group, is more important and valuable than we are, but because He is sovereign and Lord over all. It is His kingdom and plans that He is committed to bring to pass according to His good and perfect will. It is for us to align ourselves with His agenda, by His grace. We ask the wrong question when we ask whether God is on our side. Our concern should be whether we are on His side because in the end, it will be the only side left standing and victorious!

Thoughts about sexuality and marriage

2007-12-10T12:49:00.010-08:00

Sometimes I feel God sneaks up on us, pull a fast one and have a good laugh. Not in a mean way, but in a fun kind of way. I went to the Midnight Madness Booksale, that takes place at the end of each term, telling myself I'll be disciplined. I surprised myself when I bought 1 book and 1 pretty expensive journal (literally very pretty too). I came back and started reading the book, which is past midnight now... and finished more than 80% of it by this morning (I did sleep in between). Those who know me well will know that this is rare as I'm fond of collecting books and still have not read half of my collection. The reason I felt God sneaked up on me was because earlier this week, I had asked him a few questions. One of it was, 'Lord, if you hate divorce but permitted it because of the hardness of man's heart, would you also permit remarriage?'. One more question along this line was the idea of polygamy in the Old Testament, which was an acceptable practice in those days especially for the sake of begetting a child. Also Solomon came through Bathsheba, incorporating both mother and son in the lineage that Jesus would come from - was her union with David blessed in the eyes of God? Albeit she was a widow and a victim when she married David, yet would the priest in those days (if they had to give their blessings for the marriage) able to bless the union before God, knowing full well the circumstances of this union? It may seem kinda silly to ask such questions, but I did ask them (even wrote them down in my journal) and I guess God heard it! While I am thrilled for the answer, it still blows me away when God actually answers, even what seemed like silly questions.

In light of today being World AIDS Day, I believe it's appropriate that I read and recommend this book, 'Sexual Ethics: an Evangelical Perspective' by Stanley Grenz (he has another book by a similar title, 'Sexual Ethics: a Biblical Perspective'). It's as if this is the book that I've been waiting for, and reading it has addressed so many of the questions I've had about sexuality, marriage, etc. My interest in this topic started many years back when I first joined the pastorate. I used to ask my older, married colleagues, if they believed that marriage was a good thing and whether it was good for everyone (i.e. would they recommend it for everyone), and why. Many were stumped by the questions, and while most would answer a vehement Yes, to the first question, the answers to the last and third question were mostly weak. Of course I wasn't asking them to write an essay on the subject, and they may never have been confronted with such questions. My motivation was both personal as well as pastoral. At that time, I wanted to know what was God's plan for human sexuality and marriage. As a single woman, I felt that many of the traditional, social, economical reasons that often prompted a woman to get married are no longer applicable, or less relevant today. Women do not get the better end of the bargain in marriage compared to the man, and sometimes I would jokingly mention that I wouldn't mind getting a wife myself. As an aside, I've seen wives of my male friends who work and support while their husband study; cook, wash, iron and take care of the house chores; clean, feed and care for the kids; do banking, shopping and run errands; remind them of important birthdays, keep track of their appointments, even send emails and update their facebook for them!

While there is much affirmation of the single person in the world and workplace, they somehow do not find the same affirmation in church. In a family-oriented church, the message seems to be that the purpose of singlehood is simply to prepare for marriage. The church does not always do a good job ministering to the needs of single adults. This is most apparent in home groups, where majority of the people are married and many have children, if not, grown children. In contrast, my church in Vancouver gives out flowers to every lady in the congregation on Mother's Day! If marriage is the divine will for all, then where does the single person fit it in that divine design? In a sex-charged environment like ours, many battle trying to maintain sexual purity and young people are always told to wait until they are married. While this is right, I doubt that this provides the best or highest reason for getting married. Marriage is much more about sex and married people know they have to deal with issues of their sexuality as well. This range from having a satisfying sex life, not being able to have sex for a variety of reasons, or changes in the expression of sexuality as the couple age. Even the use of language reveal a change of attitude: instead of making love we speak of having sex, betraying a consumerist mindset. Other questions include can you be whole if you do not get married? Can single people have wholesome relationship with members of the opposite sex, whether single or married? One thing that Grenz emphasized is that sexuality is so much more than just genital sex or sexual intercourse. I am reminded of a lecture presented passionately by Cherith Fee-Nordling, reminding us that as embodied being, we are sexual beings. While there may not be sex and marriage in eternity, we will still relate with each other as male and female. I believe she made her case and it has made me wonder what would that look like.

In the first few years of my career as a lawyer, I was brought face-to-face with the hard reality of divorce and the breakdown of marriage. At that time in my life, I have attended more divorce proceedings than weddings, added together. I saw a couple who spent a year preparing for their wedding and spent less time in that marriage, before they petitioned for a divorce. I knew what the Bible said about divorce, but I also saw that Christians were not exempted from this reality. Can marriage still be assumed to be right, safe, wise thing to do? for everyone? Even then, ministering to people who are considering divorce brought up a lot of questions for me. How can the church minister to those who are going through this difficult process? These questions grew in my role as a pastor, as we discussed about issues of remarriage, whether we should publicly give our blessings to such union, that is, whether there is any difference between conducting a marriage ceremony and, leading the couple to make a vow before God and offering our blessing. If we do not, are we saying that these unions are not honoured and blessed by God? Would they nevertheless be man and wife in the eyes of God, as well as the law. We had certain policies and practices, but I did not always understand or agree with all of them. I had my own questions about whether we were consistent in our practices or did we have separate set of rules to apply to such situations, and if they were justified. As a single person, I wasn't sure if there was a place for me to offer my thoughts on these matters. But as a pastor for young adults, I knew I had to think through these questions because what we teach our young adults about marriage should be consistent with the counsel we offer when faced with the breakdown of marriage. Later I had questions about whether those who have divorced or remarried can be in positions of leadership in the church, or ordained as a minister. Again, I was looking for a theological basis for thinking through these issues, and even if we do decide to appoint these men (and women), what would be the considerations and guidelines.

Finally, I was always compassionate to the AIDS cause, and saw how Christians have been taught to moralise this disease. This is regretful but I guess it did not help that when I attended AIDS related conferences, the organisers were handing out free condoms, promoting safe sex and encouraging hospitals to offer free, unused IV needles (seen to be encouraging drug abuse). I understand their reasons for doing so, but it added the prejudice that the church had towards this disease, a prejudice which was also held by many in society, equating the disease with immorality, i.e. associated with homosexuals, sex workers and IV drug users. Like global warming and environmental issues, this is a cause that requires all of us to play our part in stopping it. And yes, underlying all these is our fallen and sinful nature which the church needs to address. But through this, it led me to think about ministering to those who are sexually broken, be it homosexuality or sexual addiction, especially in light of various incidents of renown ministers of God falling in this area. What is the Good News that we present to those struggling with these issues? Calling them names and telling them that what they do is an abomination to God, is hardly the best place to start. In the past, the Church unfortunately is seen to have done very little beyond that. While things are slowly changing, conservative evangelicals are sometimes still viewed in this manner today.

The issue of homosexuality is one that I have given further thought to, looking at the implications of it, if it is indeed a 'natural' orientation as some argue. I knew that our theology (i.e. what we really believe, whether or not we articulate it, or articulate it well) will form and determine our policies and actions. The Church cannot effectively reach out and offer love and acceptance to those struggling with homosexuality unless we truly believe that God loves them. How can we demonstrate such love and yet be consistent in our proclamation that homosexual practices are sinful? Should we and how can we embrace such couples into the family of God? Back home, homosexuality is not endorsed in general and people are not as open about such relationships. However I don't believe that means the church can ignore or avoid this issue. Being in Vancouver the last 2 years, these are very real issues for the churches here as same sex unions are given legal recognition. That means long term, monogamous relationship with the commitment of marital vow is a real possibility. The churches are painfully split on this issue as they decide if they should give their blessings to such unions. Sending them to the next church that would give their blessings is hardly a solution!

I've mentioned about policies and practices a few times, my concern for this is because I believe every church has to decide on these matters and thus should do it consistently with teaching of Scriptures and spirit of Christ. I do not care for a legalistic approach which applies the rule without regards for the individual and the unique circumstances of each case. Loving the person without addressing the sin is not loving in truth, but truth without love is deadly. While the church decides on the stand it will take on a particular matter taking into account the reality of our times, our primary concern should be for the person/s whom we are dealing with. It is important that the stand we take should be well thought through, it is just as important, if not more, that we should give consideration on how we implement these stands and offer to lovingly uphold those who are struggling in these areas. I have read books talking about sex and dating books, calling for abstinence in preparation for marriage. other books on marriage and sexuality, which tend to be restricted to upholding the value of sex within the bonds of marriage and address issues like infidelity. There are a few that has truly uphold the biblical model and provide both sound theological basis and practical reasons for marriage.

The books I've read on divorce and remarriage tends to establish grounds for when divorce is justified and whether remarriage is possible for Christians with considerations of the practical difficulties of these relationships in the new marriage. Books on singlehood tend to uphold Jesus and Paul as model of singles, and exhort singleness for more effective service in Christian ministry. The books written on homosexuality often promote certain agendas which colour the way the Bible is read and interpreted. Grenz deals with all these issues that I've raised above and more. It's a really neat book that address the whole realm of human sexuality, including ethics of contraceptions and abortion, as well as techniques to assist procreation. He sets out the theological and ethical consideration based upon Scripture and provides thoughtful application of these biblical principles for the church in dealing with these issues today. He also lays out the arguments that have been raised for the different positions. You may not agree with all his stands but if you don't, you should be prepared to give a well thought-through, theologically-sound reason for it. I find myself resonating with his perspective on many of these issues, providing a good platform for thinking through and conversing about these matters. In doing so, we need to always bear in mind the bigger picture of what the Bible teaches about human sexuality as a whole. This book is definitely one the best investments I've made!

P/s: Most of my posts on this blog are directly exported to my Facebook account. Those who are already connected on Facebook can access it there. I will continue to post my blogs here if I think they are too personal, and for general access for those who do not subscribe to Facebook.

pp/s: You probably already notice that this is not a book review, but simply sharing of my thoughts some matters that matters to me. A number of writers have written on human sexuality and gender. Last summer Regent offered at least 2 summer courses on this topic and the summer before, a course dealing with addictions which included sexual addiction. I know of at least 2 courses being offered on this topic this summer, including one by Cherith Fee-Nordling entitled 'Holy and Wholly Embodied: The Incarnation and Why It Matters Every Day'. You can probably see that this subject is indeed gaining popularity, or perhaps you can say, it's finally coming out of the closet.
2 excellent lectures which I've heard that has really inspired me, is firstly by Cherith, 'To Be or Not To Be: Bodily Resurrection or Immortality of the Soul' (Summer 2005, Public Evening Lecture) and secondly Sarah Williams during Christian Thought and Culture class (Winter 2006) - the audio recording for this lecture is now available: A Sexual Reformation? Marriage and Sexuality in the Contemporary Paradigm

Not be discouraged

2007-10-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

In the beginning he spent the hours appointed for private prayer in thinking of God, so as to convince his mind and impress deeply upon his heart the Divine Existence. He did this by devout sentiments and submission to the lights of faith, rather than by studied reasonings and elaborate meditations. By this short and sure method he immersed himself in the knowledge and love of God. He resolved to use his utmost endeavor to live in a continual sense of His presence, and, if possible, never to forget Him more.

When he had thus, in prayer, filled his mind with that Infinite Being, he went to his work in the kitchen where he was then cook for the community. There, having first considered the things his job required, and when and how each thing was to be done; he spent all the intervals of his time, both before and after his work, in prayer.

When he began, he said to God with a filial trust, "O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, grant me the grace to continue in Thy Presence; and prosper me with Thy assistance. Receive all my works, and possess all my affections." As he proceeded in his work, he continued his familiar conversation with his Maker, imploring His grace, and offering Him all his actions.

When he was finished, he examined how he had performed his duty. If he found well, he returned thanks to God. If not, he asked pardon and, without being discouraged, he set his mind right again. He then continued his exercise of the presence of God as if he had never deviated from it. "Thus," said he, "by rising after my falls, and by frequently renewed acts of faith and love, I have come to a state where it would be as difficult for me not to think of God as it was at first to accustom myself to the habit of thinking of Him." (emphasis mine).

Brother Lawrence
Practicing the Presence of God

Honest Worship

2007-09-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about how we worship, in light with the book 'Faking Church' that I've been reading. This book has given me lots of food for thought. One thing I noticed is that our worship songs are filled with 'feeling' words. I don't know about you but sometimes I find it hard to sing those songs, when I don't feel that way. I don't want to offer God praises with my lips when my heart seems so far from what I'm singing. Yes, there is a place where we have to proclaim by faith and sing what is true according to God's Word even when we don't 'feel' it is true. There is also a place of offering a sacrifice of praise, where we praise God for who He is and what He has done and those truths are objectively true even though it may not be how I perceive the reality of my present experience.

What I'm referring to is the state of our emotions and whether they are consistent with what we are singing, especially when many of the songs have words that describe our passion for Him. The ancient meaning for that word is suffering. The early church fathers were skeptical of passions, because it means to be responsive to an external influence. And for them, spirituality is about training ourselves not to be reactive and dependent on external factors, but that we be disciplined in our walk, not susceptible to external influences. Today, passion is often seen as an intense emotion. Can we really maintain that sort of passion about Christ and God all the time? Can we honestly sing these songs when we don't feel the passion? Perhaps we can, because someone once said, Passion is doing what you ought to do even when you don't feel like it. However I must say that I feel like a phoney singing "Yes, I'm so in love with You" when I don't feel the least bit in love with God.

Is our relationship with God dependent on our feelings? No and it shouldn't be but you can't deny that it plays a big part. I guess we can look at couples who are in love and also those who have been married for many years. Couples who are in love often feel very strong and intense emotions but we know that such highly charged emotions are not the basis for building a strong and lasting relationship, because what happens to the relationship when you no longer feel the passion for each other? However these emotions are very real and can make us believe that this must be the real thing. Yet we know that we cannot always trust our emotions at these points but need to give ourselves time for it to cool off, especially if we are making a life-changing decision based on them. The state of mind of someone who is infatuated is said to be no different than a person who is insane (temporary insanity), and are thus not in their right mind and it is usually unwise to make any major decisions in this state of mind. A long term marriage on the other hand can be full of passion, but it may feel very different even though the intensity and degree may not be any less that those of newly wed, or if not, more.

Some have suggested 'tweaking' some of the lyrics of the songs we sing. One speaker, Benny Ong, used to sing 'I surrender MORE', rather than 'I surrender ALL!'. So, perhaps one could sing, 'Jesus I want to be so in love with You' (Let my words be few), or add words like, 'Help me be ...', 'Teach me to...', etc. At the end of the day, I believe God sees our heart and know we want to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.

How have you been tempted or tried?

2007-09-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am currently leading a bible study among some of those who come for the Alpha group meetings, with a study on the book of James. The first thing that hits you in that book is 'Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance'. Well, James is a pretty direct kind of guy and does not bit around the bush. So when I came across the passage below in the Sayings of the Desert Fathers, I paused to consider what trials have the Lord brought my way and if I recognised them?

When the devil does not use the goads of poverty to tempt, he uses wealth for the purpose. When he cannot win by scorn and mockery, he tries praise and flattery. If he cannot win by providing health, he tries illness; if he cannot win by comfort, he tries to ruin the soul by vexations which lead a person to act against their vows (as a Christian) ... he does all these to shake the love we feel toward God.

We tend to equate suffering, bad stuff, unpleasant experiences as trials and are quick to say that these are from the devil ... this passage reminds me that I am not to quickly assume that wealth, good health and praises and flattery (or compliments and acknowledgments) are without their dangers. I'm not saying that these 'blessings' are not from God, however I am cautioned that the devil tries to use the things God intends for good, and turn it around to harm us. On the other hand, God is more than able to turn around what the enemy intends for our harm, and use it to make something good out of it. One of my prof (Chris Hall) said something that has stuck in my head, that is we should learn to distinguish the things that harm us and those that hurt us. While some experiences may hurt, they cannot necessarily harm us. Thus not all pain is bad. Sometimes pain is good - it informs us something is amiss and helps us to remove ourselves from potentially greater danger. A good book on this topic is 'The Gift of Pain' by Paul Brand Phillip Yancey. For a generation that has adopted 'happiness' and comfort as the ultimate goal of life and seek to avoid pain at all cost, this may sound jarring to our ears.

Pray anyway

2007-09-15T15:24:00.001-07:00

Perhaps you can identify with the lyrics of this song. Pray anyway and keep praying.

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy
It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yea - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway
Yeah, yeah!

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

Album: Wake Up Laughing (2007)
Lyrics: Martina McBride, Brad and Brett Warren
Listen to it here.

Raw Fellowship

2007-09-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Recently I received a gift from a friend. It's a book entitled Faking Church. Yes, interesting title - don't ask me why he picked this book for me. It's a book that I believed God hand-picked for me for this season. I don't often receive books as gifts simply because my friends find it hard to buy me books, considering the number of books I already have ... too many that I lose track of them myself. There's one particular chapter that have kinda hit home for me and given me lots of food for thought. The topic is on friendship vs. fellowship in church. Prior to this, some have heard me talked about spiritual friendship. Aptly, someone has asked me if there was any difference between spiritual friendship and fellowship. The answer that I could think of was spiritual friendship, for me at least, is focused on the mutuality and intentionality of the relationship, where we intentionally 'mentor' (to use a marketplace terminology) each other towards spiritual growth. Fellowship is not necessarily as intentional and although intended to spur each other's spiritual growth, it is not quite as focused if you think of fellowship as being with the church at large.

The author points out that fellowship is different (although overlap in many ways) with friendship in that it is not based on shared interest or common background, but our common commitment to Christ. Fellowship is based on the fact that we're family, and it is not optional. We may not like each other very much in the natural sense and some of the deepest fellowships can be shared with people we're unlikely to have picked as our friends. Sure there will be some, if not many, in our fellowship that we also find easy to be friends with, but the point is we should be limited by those factors. We commit ourselves to our family members not because we necessarily like them or even are like them (though we may be more like them than we sometimes like to admit), but because we share a common identity. Fellowship is more than hanging out together socially, working together on a project or simply doing stuff together.

Thus I'm challenged to re-think fellowship and what it entails. Fellowship is intended for us to spur each other to grow spiritually. We may develop a deep friendship from the fellowship we share with each other, and this fellowship will continue through eternity. Hey, that's longer than how long a marriage will last, and marriage is as close as you get to another human being, in terms of being family and friend! We are called to be in fellowship … it's easy to do cyber friendship and virtual fellowship, but until we get to heaven, the local church is the real deal. Real people, real problems, real time fellowship. I imagine coming into a new church, is like being the new bride and meeting your in-laws. You probably won't like all of them instantly, some are warm and some treat you less than an outsider (they treat 'visitors' better than you). It takes a while to get used to their lingo, inside jokes, etc and we need to invest time in these relationships. But even if you feel like you don't belong, you do. You're part of the family and so are they. And these family relationships might even outlast our own natural family ties. That's one scary thought to ponder on…

Those who have ears

2007-07-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

Take time to listen to the Word of God. In our culture of constant bombardment of visual images and noise, added to our practice of silent reading (which is a result of Enlightenment and foreign in antiquity) we are not very good at listening. In some of our churches we may not practise reading of Scriptures (whether silent or aloud) regularly. This is the main tenet of my proposed thesis and has been confirmed by the lecturers. Gordon Fee and Christopher Hall, in the classes I've been attending these few weeks. They strongly emphasize listening the Word - Chris calls it reading with the ears of our hearts.

For those who are interested here are 2 products you may want to consider.
1. TNIV Bible Experience - The New Testament has been released and named Audiobook of the Year, the most prestigious award for excellence in audiobooks, by the Audio Publishers Association (APA). Narrators include some top Hollywood personalities like Angela Bassett (Narrator), Cuba, Jr. Gooding (Narrator), Samuel L. Jackson (Narrator), T. D. Jakes (Narrator), Blair Underwood (Narrator).
See the video of the making at Zondervan site. The Complete Bible is scheduled to be released on 7th September.
Of course, listener should be mindful of their emphasis and pauses, which can affect our understanding of a particular passage.

2. NIV read by Max Maclean
This is read at a good pace with appropriate emphasis. You can listen the whole Bible online (free): NIV Audio. You can purchase it in MP3 or other audio format, or you can choose to download it. I have found his emphasis and dramatising easy to follow.

Finally BibleGateway offers free audio Bibles online (Max Maclean reads the NIV version). You can also get the other versions as well as Bible in other languages, as well as different Chinese dialect - this is especially helpful for those who are illiterate.

Fascination with dates

2007-07-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have a thing about noting certain dates, like today's: 07.07.07! The best part is, this works no matter where you come from and what order you write your dates. Of course this only refers to the Roman calendar and does not apply to lunar or Muslim calendar.

p/s: Have you noticed how lawyers have a tendency to qualify and defend what they say even as they are saying it? I hope that does not irritate you. Can't help it.

In Loving Memory of Dr Koh Eng Kiat

2007-06-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

Receiving news of Dr Koh's demise brought deep sadness in my heart. I know my church and his family, as well as many around the world who knows him, will mourn his loss. He is humble man that I respect and dearly love. I first got to know him in early 90s when my family shared an apartment with his wife during a church camp. Ever since that time, he learned the name of every family member and make mention of the rest whenever he saw one of us. I am grateful for the privilege to have served in FGA under his leadership. After my meeting with him before I left, I did wonder if it would be the last time I would see him. When he was taken very ill recently, I did pray that the Lord will let me see him one more time. Now I am torn by the fact that I can't be home for his funeral. I pray that the Lord will bless his soul and comfort all who grieve his departure.

Dr. Koh Eng Kiat

9 November 1924 – 29 June 2007

“What will be the measure of my days, weeks and years passed? How will my life be valued? What will matter is not what I bought, but what I have chosen to build. Not what I received, but what I have shared and given you. What will matter is not what I learned, But what I have taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate from my example. What will matter is not my competence, but my integrity and character; my true grit. What will matter is not how many people I have known, rich or poor, but how many will feel a lasting loss when I am gone. What will matter are not my faded memories, but the memories of those who knew and have loved me.”

When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound, and time shall be no more; And the morning breaks, eternal, bright and fair; When the saved of earth shall gather over on the other shore, And the roll is called up yonder, Dr Koh’ll be there

By the grace of God, when the roll is called up yonder, may all of us be there.

Memorial Services:
Saturday (30 June 07), 08.30pm

Sunday (01 July 07)
07.30am, 11.00am, 02.30pm, 08.30pm

Funeral service at L5, Wisma FGA:
Monday (02 July 07) - 02.00pm
(thereafter to Nilai Memorial Park)

More than birds in the air and lilies in the fields

2007-06-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have been praying about certain things and asking the Lord for direction for my next step. One of the main concern was financial and not knowing if I can afford to keep up my studies despite all the hurdles the Lord has enabled me to go through thus far. Last Thursday, as I was walking around the shops at the University village, I literally told myself (aloud), 'Don't worry, God will take care of you!' Immediately I felt a profound sense of comfort flooding me.

I then head out to meet a visiting professor who asked if I could help her translate some manuscripts she received from Indonesia. I'm not particularly fluent in Bahasa Malaysia, much less Bahasa Indonesia. Anyways, she offered to pay me for this task. Then I went home and saw a letter from the IRA in the mail. My heart dropped a little cause in my experience, it is never good news. So I was most surprised when I found a cheque for a few hundred dollars. It blew my mind considering I don't even earn enough money to pay tax! The next day I picked up a pay-cheque from the office and together with another cheque that I received from a friend the day before, I deposited the money into the bank with a very deep sense of gratitude, being assured that God knows exactly where I am. His sense of timing is perfect. I am awed simply to know that He cares.

As if that's not enough, later that evening, He sent an angel to knock on my door, bearing gifts of bread, jam, fruits, vegetable, cooking condiment, etc. Now talk about sending me a message loud and clear. It's as close as having it written in the sky! This is not the first time I've received such gifts (see earlier blogs), especially since I've come here, but neither are they regular features in my life. They have always served as tangible signs of God's goodness, reminding me that He can provide in ways beyond what I can think or imagine. And although He's shown this to me before, thus I should have learned my lesson by now, He's willing to do it again. I am humbled by His amazing grace and love for me.

I suppose one can rationalise and explain exactly where each of these came from (natural means), but I can't deny the timing at which they came. At the end of the day, while they do not serve as indicators of how I should decide, I'm assured that no matter what my decision is, I hold on to the fact that God cares and He will provide for my needs. It is a lesson of learning to trust the Lord and I'm grateful for His patience with me, a slow learner. I am also thankful that He's fully committed to the task of helping me move from self-reliance to God-reliance, and will spare nothing, but do whatever it takes, to achieve that end.

p/s: Thank you all for leaving your comments. I am glad this has served to encourage you. There is a little post script to the above. In that same week, my housemate started bringing home endless supply of the most wonderful pastries and even sandwiches. He started work at a coffee shop and gets to bring back all these goodies (2-3 shopping bags full!) when he closes the store, which is as often as 2-3 times a week. So not only does He not give us a stone when we ask for bread, He is able to supply croissant, danish pastries, muffins, scones, rye bread sandwiches, lemon loaves, and lots more! The fact is I usually resist buying these, especially in coffee shops, cause they're pretty pricey. Oh, another one... I have a thing about buying hair bands (to tie my hair with). They cost much more than what I would like to pay and since they have a tendency to be loose and get lost, I usually make do with whatever I can find. Last week I received 4 brand new, good quality ones delivered in the mail. Indeed nothing is too small (or too big) for our God.

I arise today

2007-06-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through the belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Jesus and Film

2007-06-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

I've always been a huge movie buff and a firm believer that there's lots that the movies can speak to our culture, and provide inroads for conversation and theological reflection. One of our professors spoke precisely on that, affirming that for our the present generation, movie is the main medium for this communication. He made some pretty good points about how movies draws us into the story and enable us to participate in it, allowing us to come to the conclusion without telling us straight out what it 'should' be. I totally resonate with many of his reflections.

Here are some books he recommended that can provide further food for thought:
Reel Spirituality: Theology and Film in Dialogue (Engaging Culture) by Robert Johnston
A Stay Against Confusion: Essays on Faith and Fiction by Ron Hansen

I was surprised to find that there are many sites on this topic. I've listed a sample of them which I hope to revisit when I have time.
http://www.cmu.ca/library/faithfilm.html
http://post.queensu.ca/~rsa/Real2Reel/realreel.htm
http://theresurgence.com/gospel_culture_and_church/film
http://www.usask.ca/relst/jrpc/index.html

The Daily Decalogue

2007-05-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

1) Only for today, I will seek to live the live the whole day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.

2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behaviour; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.

3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.

4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.

5) Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.

6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.

7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.

8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.

9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.

10) Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.

By Pope John XXIII

To conclude: here is an all-embracing resolution: "I want to be kind, today and always, to everyone". In this way, we can put Pope John's hope for every Christian into practice

Every believer in this world must be a spark of light, a core of love, life-giving leaven in the mass: and the more he is so, the more he will live, in his innermost depths, in communion with God.

Law or Gospel?

2007-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

I've not been blogging for a while. Came upon some thoughts about my quest to learn to read passages like Sermon on the Mount and thought I'd blog it, only to notice that that was in fact the topic of my last blog. That's not to say I've not been reflecting and learning other cool stuff, especially in my current class on 'A Theology of Weakness: Thinking Biblically about Suffering', with Marva Dawn. She has given us lots to mull on and it has also led me to some of her other writings. Yet when once again, I find the Lord leading me to deeper insight on how we should read the Word. This is tremendously encouraging for me to know that He understands the depth of my struggles with regards to this topic and is extremely patient to teach me, leading me step by step. The quotation below is taken from Marva's book entitled, 'I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms'. Here goes...

This intentionality has significant implication for the way in which we read the Scriptures. We can choose to read them as law or as gospel - as our objectives for the day, which we must reach or as our goal for the direction of our lives, the way in which we are learning to move.
If we read exhortations such as to "put on compassion" as law, we are crushed by our failure, for it is impossible for us to put on compassion perfectly. If we see those same promptings as gospel invitations, then to be compassionate is our goal; it orients the direction in which we move through our days, but it is not the day's objective, which we will have failed to meet if we don't get there by tonight. Our day's objectives might include doing acts of compassion, like caring for a sick neighbour or giving more money and more of ourselves away to help the poor, but these are simply movements toward the goal of being yielded to God who forms us into compassionate people.

(Dawn, Marva. I'm Lonely, Lord - HOW LONG? : Meditation on the Psalms. Revised ed. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1998. p 26.)

Thus the gospel invitation is for us to become more Christlike and know where we should set our direction. Ultimately my faith is in the Lord to bring me to the final destination, as I constantly depend upon Him and learn to cooperate with His Spirit to choose and move with Him in the direction set out in the Word. It's a direction for me to grow in to, rather than a mark I must hit everyday, or ever in this lifetime. So instead of looking at it as hit or miss, I can see it as a process of growth. Moreover it is not about hitting the mark once or twice, today, but rather that I would grow in this virtue, becoming more and more like Christ, and with the hope that I might one day find that it has become my 'natural' response - if not here, then at least in eternity. Thus we are not Christians because we have proven ourselves to be a compassionate person, but rather, being a Christian, the Lord invites us to allow Him to mould us and help us grow in His likeness. I have to resist my tendency to measure my spiritual walk as something to be achieved, or constantly keeping count of the times I've 'missed', as if to say that this is how God views me and my walk with Him.

Some more thoughts on the Sermon on the Mount

2007-04-04T09:52:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm not the only one who struggle with the Sermon on the Mount.

This is the link to a fellow Regent student's blog and her thoughts on the Sermon after a class with one of our beloved Regent faculty, Darrell Johnson.

Worth the price of admission

2007-03-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've come across a thought when reading a book or attending a seminar which makes you feel like that idea/quote itself is worth the price of admission (or the cost of the book). Knowing how expensive our classes are in Regent, we have a collection of quotes which we feature in our weekly students' newsletter, "The Et Cetera". In our Soul of Ministry class this week, I felt a light bulb turned on in my head with the following statements which I felt qualified as 'worth the price of admission' for that class, if not the entire course!

1. Obstacles in our journey of faith are meant to develop our faith and help us grow. They are not evidence that our faith does not work.
2. The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty!

These statements were said back-to-back with hardly a pause between them, the former was by lecturer and the latter by a fellow student. Just before that class, I was sharing with my professor how I could reconsider the way I view matters of faith in strictly black and white categories, and make room for more gray. By this I do not mean that there is no black and white in moral issues, but I am learning to see that not everything can easily and simply (or simplistically) be categorised as black or white. It causes us to assume we are able to make that judgment accurately in every situation. Black and white makes things manageable and gives us a sense of security - but this is a false sense of security. Such clear cut categories leaves no room for grace because grace is often gray. It is learning to see that in every situation, even in the bleakest, darkest, most broken and marred by sin, there is forgiveness, redemption and hope. Grace is scandalous ... and my mind struggles to maintain the paradox. It was as if God was listening to our conversation (which we prayed He would and acknowledged that He did) and prepared me for His answer in class.

The first statement has tripped me up for a long time. I've often, and have been doing so for a long time, wondered at my failure to live up to my 'faith'. In my previous blogs I've asked the question of whether the Sermon on the Mount is prescriptive or descriptive, prompted by my struggle with my failure to live up to the demands of Christ. If you think the 10 commandments is difficult, I think the Sermon on the Mount is impossible - well, almost impossible at least. I've tended to conclude that since it's impossible, then I might as well forget it altogether cause who am I fooling? (Notice the all-or-nothing/ black-and-white categories, and you can imagine how this would affect my view of legal practice, the pastoral ministry or relationships!) Why claim to be a Christian and not live up to the most basic teaching of Christ? Why bother? Who is that going to impress?

Rather than looking at faith as a practice, something that I can never perfect on this side of heaven but am constantly practising and will always have to keep practising... Instead of seeing them as opportunities for my faith to be stretched and grow (and even to correct my wrong ideas about faith), I tend to conclude that my faith does not work and tempted to give it up altogether. I know this sounds crazy and I'm learning to identify some of these faulty belief system that I default to in my thinking pattern and analysis of things that happen in life. Thus I am reminded that we always live up to our faith, not to our professed system of belief - and we spend a life time closing the gap. Someone helpfully pointed out to me that the Sermon on the Mount is not a requirement to get in the kingdom, or to remain in the kingdom, but it would be best for us if we live by it, or at least seek to do so. That gives me such a sense of liberty, to want to follow it, or at least attempt to do so, rather than doing it because I have to.

Opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. We want to figure everything out and know what's coming up ahead, or predict the outcome. If we are able to do that, we don't need faith. We don't need God. We become god or are gods. I know there's a sense of assurance that accompanies faith and I'm not talking about that. However the opposite of faith is to be in control. We want to reach a point where we do not need God. Have you thought about how we constantly ask God for healing, provision, peace, etc ... what if He gave us all that - would we still need Him? Should we not be like the Agur in Proverbs 30:8-9 who prayed, 'Lord, do not make me so poor that I curse You, or so rich that I have no need for You'? I'd rather anytime remain in the place in need of faith and in need of God, and trusting that He knows our needs and is faithful to provide for us according to His riches in Christ Jesus.

As I reflect on my time here in Regent College, I can see how the Lord has been at work in my life all these years. I've gone through over 5 years of deconstruction prior to coming to Regent. that has prepared me for this season. This probably why I've desired to come to Regent and have kept that dream to do so for more than 5 years before I finally came. But the Lord knew I was not ready to come, not yet. I can see that He has brought me here to reconstruct some of my belief systems. I know He is still working on me and will continue to do so until He returns, or when He calls me home. It is out of His love that He has drawn me and brought me here, giving me a yearning for more of Him - for the real Him. It is because of His grace that I am able to go through this journey towards healing and look at life with fresh hope. Sounds like I'm going through a conversion process. Indeed I'm looking forward to celebrating this Easter with a renewed sense of God's amazing and abundant grace!

Jesus the Only Way?

2007-03-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Believe and Understand

2007-03-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

I do not seek to understand so that I may believe,
    but I believe so that I may understand;
        and what is more,
I believe that unless I do believe I shall not understand.

Anselm (Proslogion)

Mistakes for a Perfectionist

2007-03-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

My classmate shared with the class about how he grew up without a theology/ understanding for mistake, at home. I was intrigued by what he said but didn't quite get what he meant until the lecturer gave an illustration of it. A light kind of turned in my head as I immediately recognised that I didn't have nor make room for mistakes in my life. I know I'm not perfect and should not expect myself to be. Yet I find it hard to accept when I make a mistake and would usually be pretty hard on myself, especially when I feel I should know better. Even if I am not an expert in the matter but feel it is something I should know, it's still hard for me to accept my mistakes. For example if I've gone to a certain place before, I would usually be able to remember the directions to get there, and get pretty mad at myself when I don't. I put a lot of pressure on myself and would chide or beat up myself (sometime hit myself on the head physically) when I don't remember. It's worse when I'm in the car and trying to direct someone else driving there, and being so sure of myself ... yes, my pride does get in the way too.

In my mind, mistakes were unacceptable - as if, I had to get things right all the time I even assume I am right most of the time, until proven otherwise. And I hate it when that happens. Somehow I got it in my system that it is catastrophic and unacceptable for me to make mistakes. I've alluded to this in some of my previous blogs. I don't do it consciously though, so when I think about my reaction towards my mistakes, I get a glimpse of my faulty belief system. I'm learning to understand what some of these are because I'm giving myself an impossible target and setting myself up for major disappointment and disillusionment.

I'm learning and re-programming my mind to see mistakes as just that... mistakes. It is not necessary to put a moral judgment on every mistake! A person is not bad because he or she makes a mistake. It is a mistake sure, so we admit the mistake and move on. Being wrong is not a sin. I admit I don't like being wrong or making mistakes and much rather get it right if I can help it. So I give it my best shot and learn to accept the outcome as my best effort. I seek to learn from the mistake when I try again next time and hopefully make improvements. But trying and not succeeding does not mean you're a failure. I know pride can complicate matters here, especially when our concern is about what people think of us when we fail to meet the mark, that is their (or our own) expectations.

Even when we put in less than our best effort and make a mistake, it is not the end of the world. Can we really expect ourselves to perform at our top form all the time? We all have our off days and slip-ups do happen. Often we discredit people's best intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt that no one wants to make a mistake. Yet we make a big deal about the mistake, perhaps noticing their work only when the outcome is a mistake. Or even worse, we focus on the parts that has mistakes and completely ignore (and fail to acknowledge) the parts that are right. Children are known to react to such negative reinforcements by making more mistakes (perhaps unconsciously) in order to get our attention.

Being a Christian, as well as a leader, for so many years, there are a lot of things I know I shouldn't do but I find myself doing them. Sometimes they catch me by surprise because it's an area I thought I was pretty strong, and other times, it seems the harder I try, the more I fail. It is extremely frustrating and very disturbing. It does not make sense to me because I assumed that since I 'know' so much, I should be able to do it and do it well. Truth be told is while I may 'know' a lot about what I ought to do, I don't really know how to do them. I have not practised it sufficiently and am far from having mastered it. Daily I am depending on Christ to strengthen me by his Spirit to help me walk and live faithfully before him.

Thus I'm the first to admit that sometimes mistake involves doing something wrong. Yes, it is wrong and it is also a mistake. We confess our sin and admit our mistake. And move on. I'm not saying it's ok for us to do wrong but I do not see the need nor the point for hitting ourselves on the head. We can't do penance for our wrong to make it right (that's not to say we don't try) and we need to do our best to make up to those whom we've wronged. It is not about blaming others for what I did or justifying the mistake by arguing that it is not really wrong because ... (and come up with an excuse).

We sometimes resort to these tactics because of pride, when we refuse to accept responsibility for our actions. But accepting responsibility for making a mistake does not mean we need to give ourselves a hard time. This would not guarantee we will never (mindful of using words like 'always' and 'never') make the same mistake again. Mistakes provide us opportunity to learn about ourselves, reminding us we are frail and human, and always in need of grace. It is definitely a humbling process. It is not my intention to excuse mistakes and wrongdoing, but often I know it is difficult for me to accept my own humanity and limitations. I am positive God has no issue accepting my humanity, even in my fallen state.

Life is tough without us making it harder for ourselves and others. When we make room for mistakes, we are less wound-up. When we are less worked up about making mistakes, we are more wiling to step out and make new attempts, able to see mistakes as part of the learning process. Most importantly, it will help me be more gracious with others and cut them some slack when they meet our expectations. Often we are less harsh in judging those who are not yet believers than our fellow brothers and sisters; with strangers than colleagues, friends and loved ones. We are in fact hardest on family members who are closest to us. But can you imagine the amount of pressure we exert on those around us when we make no room for mistakes and expect them to 'perform' at their best all the time ... when we ourselves can't do it? It's a definite relationship killer, and even worse, it is highly damaging for self-esteem and cause great insecurity.

For me, the most powerful demonstration of grace and compassion for mistakes which also constitute wrongdoing, is seen in Christ. Hanging on the Cross, he prayed for those who persecuted and had a part in killing him, saying "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He uttered this prayer for the Roman soldiers as well as the Pharisees who felt threatened by his popularity; for Judas as well as Peter; for you and for me. They may not really know that they are killing the Son of God, or may be led astray by other factors like greed or fear which undeniably are very powerful motivations ... but I doubt they did not know what they were doing was wrong. Yet the most righteous judge who is completely qualified to judge, choose instead to forgive us, and take the punishment for our sins on our behalf.

I remember one of my prof reminding us, it's pride to tell God that some of our sins are too great and there is no way he can (or should) forgive them. How dare we judge these mistakes by any other terms? Rather because he has first forgiven us, we adopt the attitude and posture of a forgiven sinner. Thus even when a mistake constitutes a sin, we can choose to view the mistakes of others with a heart of compassion and eyes of grace, and assume they know not what they do (even if they should know better or we've told them a million times not to do it). In doing that, we find we are able to forgive. This also applies to us forgiving ourselves.

What next?

2007-02-16T21:54:00.000-08:00

Crossroads. It's a funny place. And it does funny things to you. I'm at this place right now. I'm in my final term at Regent and will need only to take another 2 courses to complete the Master of Christian Studies. I can't believe how fast time flies and I feel like I've only been here for a really short time. I've dreamt of coming to Regent College for almost 5 years, before it was a reality. I applied for a copy of the catalogue and used to put up the pamphlet on my notice board at my office, and told myself ... maybe one day. I knew I was feeding a dream. Dare to dream. It was an impossible dream in my mind. Not with what I was earning as a full-time pastor in church. When one of my members told me she was interested to take some short term courses related to biblical studies , I did not hesitate to recommend and put my stamp of approval on Regent College. She went to do summer school in 2004. I had mixed feelings ... being so happy for her and was more than glad to offer any assistance she may need. Yet thinking, if only I could be the one going. In a sense it was kind of a test, I think. God wanted to see if I could be happy seeing that dream being fulfilled in someone else. It was as if I passed the test (only God knows) ... while the thought of 'if only' crossed my mind, it was not envy and I was truly happy for her, even offered to proof-read her papers. It was ironical because I didn't think I was qualified, but I did have experience studying part-time in Malaysian Bible Seminari.

Since I've been here I've experienced the grace of God in such rich and diverse ways. It's so humbling to know how much He loves me and see how He's accommodated to meet me where I am. He comes to me in His gentle and loving way, not demanding or reprimanding me although I know and feel I fully deserve rebuke. He comes beside me and invite me to Himself. It is a drawing and wooing that is full of compassion and grace. He does not shout His orders although He can rightly do so. But I feel as if His Spirit hovers me and covers me with His wings, especially when I felt overwhelmed and that the onslaught is too much. When I lacked faith and am afraid, He comes and assures me ... of His presence and His help that is near, filling my heart with peace. When I felt I've let Him down and a failure, He comes to me in the form of an encouraging pastor, who believes in second chances and tells me he believes in me. When I am burdened with guilt and shame, and feel I am not worthy to come before Him or look at Him, He invites me to confess my sins and extends His forgiveness even though I feel I have no right to ask for it, because I've failed so many times in the same area. Only God knows how broken I am inside but He is here to help me put the pieces together and offer to give me a new heart; new hope. Who is this God? Can He be for real? Isn't He too good to be true? Is it too risky to preach such a gospel? Of a God who loves us unconditionally? Who saves us at all cost? Who is wiling to offer 2nd chances again and again? It's crazy. It does not make sense ... not the kind of god that I can conjure in my wildest imagination. That's the kind of God I don't mind sharing with people about... that I can't help but share about.

The last year and a half has been nothing short of a miracle and an extravagant gift! An impossible dream that has come through. Almost everyday I wake up and can't help but smile as I think that I'm actually here studying! I feel like kissing the sunshine (not as excited to want to kiss the rain) when I walk outside. Love the fresh, cool and crisp air, and the cool temperatures here, which is really very mild compared to many parts of Canada and even US. I didn't think I would have this opportunity, nor thought it fit for me to ask ... but looking back I can say God is faithful. Very faithful indeed. He's looked out for me and provided me with all that I needed, even when I didn't know what it was I really needed. For example, He gave me friends who encouraged me with my cooking ... eating everything placed on the table without comment or criticism, which I would have made me cringed and tempted to give up in my attempts. I never lacked food, clothing, household items, etc and I have so many testimonies where the supply was so timely that I knew beyond a shadow of doubt God was meeting my needs. He's also opened doors for me to work part-time for most of my time here, at times even holding multiple jobs! I am really grateful for the friends I've made here. I enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to make initial connection but going deeper is another thing altogether. I have a very tight circle of close friends and am grateful for the gift of friendship. And in this transient community, it's not easy to make friends only to have to say goodbye when you've established the friendship. It's emotionally exhausting but that's the fact of life. The lyrics of a song goes like this "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger."

At this juncture, I am praying about my plan for the future. I'm not sure where God is leading me to and am seeking and discerning His will. My first inclination is to go on and complete the Master of Theology. It's a big step since I've never written anything close to a thesis, so this will be a whole new world. Others have done it and survived the ordeal ... some survive better than others. I'm in the process of applying for financial aid, bursary and scholarship, the outcome of will be a major determinant in this decision. The other important determinant is my grades. The College just raised the Grade Point Average requirement to enter the ThM program to 3.5 (that is out of 4), which is an A average. Ironically the required GPA to graduate with ThM is still 3.3. If both of these do not come true, i.e. I do not make the grade or am not granted sufficient scholarship, then it's no go and back to the drawing board. I have other options in mind if this does not come through but will not be looking at them just yet. Only have enough energy and time to look at this option for now. I want it enough to ask God for it but holding it loose enough for God to lead me onto a different path, because I have faith that if He does, it will only be a 'better' way.

Seek your prayer as I make my application and discern His guidance.

Personality

2007-02-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

I recently did a personality profile test known as the Kiersey test - I find the analysis here more detailed, and more accurate. Below are the results - some parts very true, other parts almost true. :)

Guardians™(SJs)
All Guardians™(SJs) share the following core characteristics:
* Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.
* Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.
* Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.
* Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.

Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.

Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, are being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honour customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.

Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork gets the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.

Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.

Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)
Providers (ESFJ) take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighbourly-in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbours. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

Boasting of our Weaknesses

2007-01-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

There were those who questioned my spirituality when my first wife died. Word came to me that there were those who were saying that if indeed I was a leader called and empowered by God, I would have been able to have prayed for my wife's healing successfully. (She died of cancer.)

There are those who believe that if you were right with God you would be free from the pains of this life, or, if afflicted, you would be able to get out of them quickly. I suspect that some of Paul's opponents in Corinth thought the same.

They had called Paul's apostolic pedigree into question. These rivals had embraced the values of the world. They valued strength and power and looked down on human weakness.

A famous non-Christian orator of the day said, "the greatest defect in a person is to show his or her humanness, for then a person ceases to be held divine" (David A. de Silva, An Introduction to the New Testament, p.586). With his catalogue of sufferings (2 Corinthians 11:23-29) Paul's humanity was only too evident.

In response to these rivals writes 2 Corinthians. He makes a number of points we need to hear again.

First he reminds the Corinthians that we live in a fallen world and that brokenness of various kinds are part and parcel of life this side of heaven. It is only in the eschaton that we will trade in this body with all its vulnerability for the perfect, free-of-pain body. (2 Corinthians 5:1-10) The pain of our fallen humanity is a given in this life.

In the meantime God redeems the pains of a fallen world by using them to teach us the deepest lessons. In our pain and helplessness we receive the empowering comfort of God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It is that same comfort that enables us to minister to others. Here is irony indeed. The very wounds that Paul's opponents used as evidence to question his leadership were the very things that qualified him to minister.

And the toughest circumstances teach the most important lesson --- we mustn't depend on ourselves. We must depend on God alone. And someone like Paul who had experienced God in such profound ways, who had been used by God so effectively, needed to learn and relearn this lesson. (2 Corinthians 1:9; 12: 1-10)

Christianity is no masochistic faith. We look forward to that day when this earthly life will be swallowed up in glory and pain will be no more. When stricken by a 'thorn in the flesh" Paul asks for it to be removed. We do not pursue pain as an end in itself.

But pain is a given in this fallen world. And a God of the Cross uses pain to enable us to receive His grace and to teach us His ways. He uses the pains of this life to enable us to receive His empowerment.

Therefore Paul does not play the game that his rivals at Corinth are playing. He does not get drawn into a game of spiritual one-upmanship. Instead he continues to show his humanity. He tells them of desperate times when he had give up hope (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). He recounts a thorn in the flesh that brought him considerable pain, a thorn that God chose not to remove (2 Corinthians 12:1-10).

Indeed he boasts of his sufferings because he knows that they humble him and put him in a position where he is able to receive divine power. Here indeed is a faithful follower of a Lord who brings life out of death and power out of weakness.

Recently I watched the movie 'Gladiator (2000)' again and I was reminded of how much I had wanted Maximus to have connected with his army so that he could beat the stuffing out of Commodus. Yet the director Ridley Scott, in an echo of the Cross, lets Maximus win by "losing", effecting change through his death rather then through worldly strength and power. I was reminded that my heart remained far from the way of the Cross.

It seems that the more gifted we are, the more we tend to trust in our gifts rather than in the Giver. If a church is big, the more the temptation to say "see how big we are, how rich we are, how much political clout we have. Now we can do great things for God."

The more gifted we are the more we tend to hide our weaknesses and push our strengths. (Check out the websites of our more "successful" churches and organizations.) Yet it is the against he backdrop of our weaknesses that God's grace shines brightest.

If we have been blessed personally or corporately we should be grateful, and be good stewards of our gifts. And be doubly vigilant to ensure that our trust remain firmly rooted in the Giver and not in His gifts.

The world has tried shock and awe. It didn't work during the time of the Romans. It doesn't work today. The life that the world needs comes from the "foolishness" of a Saviour who died and rose again. It comes through those willing to walk the path of the Cross, those willing to allow their weaknesses to be conduits of God's life.

We are not divine. We are only too human. But when we embrace our humanity we allow the Divine to shine through.

"My grace is enough for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NET)

Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan

Grace@Work 29 Jan 2007
(posted with permission)

Bread for the journey

2007-01-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

One of the salient features as human being is our finiteness and frailty. We are not God and thus have limited ability, and we are definitely not invincible. Some personalities are more resilient than others to hardships, trials and challenges of life. Nevertheless we all feel weak at some point, because life is full of challenges and some of these blows can knock even the strongest among us.

How we view such trials in life is important. Many Asians, especially Christians, find it hard to admit to others that we are weak. Often pride stands in the way because we think we ought to be tougher. For others, we simply don't want to trouble others with our problems and feel we should deal with it. Perhaps we've had bad experience where people reject us or are uncomfortable with such admission. Some would rather die than to admit that they are struggling or to ask for help from another. What makes it hard for me is my self-talk that keeps telling me mistakes and failure are unacceptable. Thus when I experienced these, I'm usually very hard on myself and tend to beat myself on the head, chiding myself to do better next time. I suspect I'm not alone in thinking this way. Even when I turn to the Father to beg for mercy and forgiveness, and ask him to help, I sometimes imagine Him grunting with great disapproval and letting me off with a stern warning not to repeat the mistake and to try harder. Yes, I am spared the punishment I rightfully deserve, but rarely do I hear in my heart, 'Child, you are forgiven. Go and sin no more'. His vast love and extravagant grace is beyond my comprehension, but it is oh so real. Coming to the foot of the Cross, and see His pierced hands and side, I am reminded of it and know I've misrepresented Him. When I hear His invitation to come to the table, again I know and experience His love giving me new life and hope to overcome the darkness within me, in a tangible way. Does this mean I never sin again or make another mistake? Oh no ... not at all. I only know that I have the strength I need to make it a little further along on the journey. Bread for the journey.

I am learning to see others differently and remember that those sharing this journey are struggling too. I learn to extend grace and remind them (and myself) of who He really is. I share about my weakness, if only to boast about His grace, giving them permission to acknowledge their weaknesses and struggles. I am afraid of my own vulnerability and battle with temptations. I feel like giving up sometimes ... perhaps too often. I try to share that too and at the same time, learning to ask for help. I need help to be held accountable and to allow others to speak into my life or give me a shout if they think I'm running too close to crossing the line. I'm incredibly good at rationalising and justifying sin (augmented by my legal training) , thus understand that in my areas of weakness, I'm not the right, and definitely not the best, person to know if I'm heading the wrong direction. I need friends who would love me like that. Friends who would remind me that there is yet hope and to hang in there, because the best is yet to come. God's not done with us yet and will surely fulfill His promise to bring in the fullness of His kingdom. In the meantime, we watch, we wait, we long, we yearn together for His return.

At this juncture, I would like to urge those who feel like you are at wits end about life and do not see a way forward in your situation, please know that there is Hope. There are people who care about you and can help. If you are feeling suicidal, read this first.

Here are some tests that I have found to be helpful resources that you might want to look at to gauge how you are feeling and how well you are coping
- Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale
- Beck Depression Inventory

These are some helpful questionnaires to learn more about yourself
- Sexual Maturity Questionnaire
- Life Script Questionnaire

Role of the Church

2007-01-08T00:12:00.000-08:00

What is the role of the church? What is her mission? We are here to introduce people to Christ. Are we to be judge of others, whether they are sinners or saved? Are we here to enforce a set of rules? We tend to think and talk about the Christianity in terms of being in and out - is that right? Perhaps I'm only speaking for myself, but often I find that we have a lot of patience with someone is still yet to be a believer and the bar to get in is kept low. But once they become a Christian, they suddenly find a series of changes that are demanded of them, and the bar seem to be raised sky high, catching them unawares. Almost overnight grace quickly disappears. We think that knowledge and education will change people, and therefore teach them lots about the faith. That is great and very valuable, but I don't think knowledge (at least not head knowledge and information alone) can change anyone's behaviour. Not in the short term anyway. And this is one of the struggles we have in our churches today. We want quick fix and immediate results. We set up programmes and hope that people will be transformed if they only stick to the itinerary.

I know that transformation is the aim and I have no issue with that. It is how we reach that aim that I am concerned with. Do we put people into a program and hope that there would be changed of heart and change of lifestyle? Well, I don't think so. An internal change that leads to a change of lifestyle and behaviour is the aim. External change is good but external change alone cannot be maintained without an internal change. In fact emphasising on external changes alone can sometimes be deceptive leading others, as well as the person in question, to assume that internal changes are present as well. By external changes I mean, getting rid of vices as well as adopting positive habits, like going to church, being active in church, performing religious rituals like fasting, attending prayer meetings, etc.

I am not saying that teaching and external changes have no value, but all I'm saying is they are insufficient, and more importantly, it can't be programmed. Knowledge is more than information, and true knowledge is personal and relational. Transformation is a result of a personal encounter and relationship with Christ, over a prolonged period. In fact nothing teach us to be more like Christ and strengthen our faith more than suffering and trials, and experiencing Christ through them. I'm not saying people shouldn't change their behaviour when they come to Christ, but it's hard for us to judge a person's growth in their faith by their behaviour and external changes. While I believe our faith should and must be reflected in changed lives and behaviour, they are not a good gauge nor are they any basis for judging internal change and one's relationship with Christ. It is not for us to judge another's growth and walk with Christ based on that. I do not deny but firmly believe, that there is certain value in external changes that can change our inner attitudes and heart. For example, if we acted kindly towards people, simply because we believe it is the right thing to do and not because we have any other agenda, then in time to come we will become kinder. It is the nature of things that we become what we practice and also there is the effect of people responding to our kindness, that can move our hearts and change us internally.

The reason why I'm rethinking through some of these issues is because I'm still trying to work out how we approach those who come into our churches and fellowships who are struggling with various issues. I believe God loves them, extends His gift of life and includes them in His family. How do we communicate this hospitality and gracious and compassionate invitation to these friends? May He gives us the grace to do so, just as He has welcomed us into His fold. May we be an extension of God to demonstrate His love and embrace all who are caught in the bonds of sin. His command is that we love one another, not to change one another ... that is His part. However I do not think that loving a person simply means being nice and avoiding issues that are sensitive. It can also involve loving and honest confrontation of sin and walking through with people as they work out these issues. None of us are excluded and we would be wise to be mindful that we are all weak and vulnerable. That is why we need to be there for and support each other in our struggles.

Being in Vancouver, one particular issue on my mind is gay couples who are living in faithful relationship with their partners. It's been painful seeing churches being torn apart, not being able to agree on how we should approach this very real and practical concern in our community. I wonder what would Jesus do ... what does He want us to do?

Goodbye 2006, Hello 2007

2007-01-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

The last semester was a very good one. I am very thankful for the courses I took because I believe God really addressed many questions that I've had; questions which I thought were too basic for someone who's been a Christian for as long as I have. I would never have thought that I'd be taking courses on subjects as basic as conversion and prayer, at this level. But I'm very grateful I did and to some extent, feel like this is the very reason why God has brought me out here. I am still thinking through many of these issues and they're not exactly resolved, but I believe I have some basis for working through them. I guess it is precisely the basics that we need to 'master', failing which, they can have a lot of implications, and a faulty foundation can definitely affect how we build on it.

This Christmas was a good time of celebrating and remembering the Lord's birth with different families and friends. It's been a real blessing. Except for one, the rest were pretty small group and intimate affairs. Find it a lot more meaningful that way. As much as I enjoy meeting new people, spending an evening with a house full of people and making small talk is not my idea of fun. Maybe not anymore. Perhaps a sign I'm growing old. I guess I just don't find spending time in that manner very meaningful although I'm sure there is a place and time for that. Besides eating (and there was quite a lot of that), this was a time of saying goodbyes to dear friends. Will we meet again? Perhaps, God willing. If not, I know He is with them wherever they are and in their undertaking.

Besides eating, managed to watch quite a number of movies (one of my favourite past times), attended 2 musicals, visited the Vancouver Aquarium (for free!), Festival of Lights at Van Deusen Gardens and also at Warm Beach Camp in Washington (site for Regent retreat). I went for the lights display at Van Deusen Garden with my housemate and thought it was beautiful albeit a little cold. They had lights all over the Garden and even some dancing to the tempo of music being played. There was also a very nice male choir singing there too ... all of them, look like great Santa Claus candidate. Then when I visited the other one in Warm Beach, it was so much bigger and nicer. They even had lights put up looking like the Rockies mountains. Went for a train ride with my friends. It was way nicer and we had complimentary tickets by friends we knew from Regent who were working there, and it was way colder. The best part of my trip to the States was the crossing of the border. The traffic was very heavy and it would have taken us 2-3 hours to get across. So my friend dropped us near the border, and another friend and I walked across the border and then we got picked up from the other side. That meant we cut the whole process to less than 30-45 minutes, including the time at the immigration. Walking from Canada to US - that's probably my biggest feat for 2006!

I love you

2006-12-14T10:52:00.001-08:00

I think it's great to be an actor because you get to say such great lines. The second half of this sonnet was quoted in Patch Adams.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda
Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960)

Officially an Aunt -YEA!

2006-12-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

Santa came early this year and delivered this bundle of joy (literally bundled up!)

Her name is Eliana! The name is of Hebrew origin which means "the Lord answers." She arrived safely into this world in Assunta Hospital at 4.55am on 13th Dec 2006. She weighs 3.2kg and measures 49.2cm. Aww so cute... like the fact that she's a nice lock of hair and also pretty pouty lips (probably from her father). I know all newborn babies tend to frown but she does seem to look rather serious in the first photo. I wonder if she's going to be a thinker ... serious and siao like her auntie! Har har har ... In my completely biased opinion I think she's going to one super-cool girl. Can't wait to meet her in person. So (drumroll) that makes me an aunt officially!

Keegan (my brother) already bought her a couple of branded pieces of clothing and can't wait to go home for his summer break (currently studying in Melbourne) to adorn her. LOL ... he's going home to adorn the Christmas gift of our family. Of course I've already sent a Roots (Canadian brand) baby tee (literally) her way, which has been waiting for her arrival, and will be my first Christmas present to her. My parents are quite excited that they are now officially Datuk and Nenek. Just as they've been such cool parents, I'm sure they'll be even cool-er grans! In fact my mum took these photos with the digital camera on her mobile phone (check out the size of the photos) and emailed them to the rest of the family spread all over the world, including my dad who was in China when Eliana arrived.

As you can tell, we're all quite inclined to spoiling her silly. Plan to make full use of this privilege of being an aunt, although her parents think they're more likely to send her to me if she needs to be disciplined. Hmmm ... Thank you Lord for this precious gift.

p/s: Being part of such a cool bunch in her family, you probably won't be surprised to know that she already has her own blog and gmail account! Muah har har har har (evil laugh)

Advent Calendar

2006-12-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

Today is the 4th day of Advent. Advent marks the first day of the church calendar thus Dec 1st is considered the Christian New Year in some circles. Part of the fun of this season is counting down to Christmas and this too have been commercialised with confectioneries selling Advent calendars to help children in this counting down process. It's all part of build up in the anticipation of Christmas and they have a chocolate in each window. My housemate brought home an Advent calendar, but ours is a serious ("proper") Advent calendar. It does not have any chocolate in the windows and each day we open the relevant window to read the verse for the day. We also have a mini Advent wreath which we lighted the first candle last Sunday.

The church I attend here has a huge calendar which marks the 4 Sundays of Advent. It's a painting of a stable with different windows that peer into the stable. Painted by one of our church members - it's the size of stage backdrop. Very cool and the windows have a bag of chocolates in it too!!

Here are some pictures to give you an idea.
Click on image to view enlarged image. Take a look inside the windows of the LOTR calendar here. I must admit that the idea of a LOTR advent calendar is a little too commercialised for me.

Grace Will Lead Me Home

2006-12-03T22:12:00.001-08:00

My church here has just launched our 2nd CD, entitled 'And Grace Will Lead Me Home'. It's a combined project with our church plant on UBC, called UTown church. Think I've mentioned before that this medium size church has a general emphasis on the arts and sufficient musicians to make up 5 top-class worship bands! Very creative bunch. Listen to tracks and see photos of the team at the cd site.

You can listen to my pastors, Jeff and Tom in the interviews under Audio Files in the Interviews section. Ps Tom hails from the UK and felt called to minister here in Vancouver. You can listen to his lovely British accent and he's also featured in the track 'I know I am home'. This is the link to Sopwith world aka Ps Tom's family's blog. You must read Joel's blog ... Joel is his adorable son who is just over a year old and Ps Tom blogs on his behalf! It's hilarious.

You can also visit UTown church's website which basically leads you to their blog. It's cool in a way. No bulletins and everyone is part of the e-community. I'm not sure if they have any handouts for newcomers on Sunday, but it works since most of their congregation are tech-savy. In Point Grey, we can opt to subscribe to receive our weekly bulletin via email. Do what we can to save some trees.

Caught in a snow storm

2006-11-26T15:15:00.000-08:00

From an array of colours to white winter wonderland in a matter of weeks. It's very pretty and winter is officially here. It's perfectly timed for Advent and although we're still in November, can already feel Christmas in the air. It's been snowing for more than 24 hours straight and it doesn't look like it's stopping soon. Out here on campus we usually get more snow than downtown. The other university about 45 minutes away is located on a hill and have been covered with snow since last week. There's a weather warning to expect quite a bit of snowfall. Still this is very mild compare to the rest of Canada.

I've not mentioned this before but God's given me 3 fun loving young men as housemates this term. Having lived with 2 younger brothers, I feel totally at home being the only girl in this arrangement! Of course it helps that I also get the biggest room. It's been great getting to know them and we are able to sit together to have long theological discussions! The pictures taken with them in the link below is a moment of our community life together - all 4 of us watching Simpsons at midnight! It's that time of the term.

See more pics here.

God sneaks up in our culture through the arts

2006-11-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

I attended a workshop-rehearsal with the Vancouver Bach Choir for their upcoming performance of Handel's Messiah. This would be a sing-along performance which would be interesting because the choir would be seated in the crowd instead of on the stage. I had a preview of the event and we were served coffee and snacks during the break. All this for free? I'd say it rarely gets better than that. I've watched the UBC Choir perform this piece last year, but the lecture that went along with the rehearsal opened to my eyes to understand what Handel was doing and appreciate it much better. More than one friend have told me they've have fallen asleep watching this performance on previous occasion, which I can understand it's hard going for some folks to be listening to this repertoire in a 3-hour sitting. But I think it's hard to sleep when you get to participate and sing along with the choir. It was a real treat to for me to be able to sing the Handel's Messiah and with such an awesome choir.

I found the exposition of the musical aspect very helpful, but the best part was theological discussion of how Handel was using music to express different emotions and his devotion. This was especially enlightening and it was a devotional experience for me although I was not sure if the conductor was a believer. I used to wonder if the singers realise or appreciate what they are singing, which is so loaded theologically. For the uninitiated, you can refer to the friendly Wikipedia site to find out more. It was amazing to see all these folks (choir has over 150 singers, excluding guests) sitting and listening the gospel being preached to them literally. From the birth of Christ, His passion and death for the sake of our sins, His glorification and the final judgment, it's all found in this piece. I felt like I was attending a lecture in Regent rather than a choir rehearsal. May these songs minister to the one who conducts, the musicians, singers as well as the audience who pay to listen to the gospel being sung! Does God have His way to bring His message to this very secular, almost anti-Christian culture? You bet!

Last week I attended a play entitled Life After God with my friends. This is based on a short story by Douglas Coupland (the guy who introduced the term Generation-X). It was a play about a few friends who graduated from the same high school and their 15th year reunion is coming up. The play deals with different issues through these characters depicting the struggles of 30-somethings, and for this play, they contextualised the story in Vancouver setting. The loneliness of the single, believing and fighting for a cause like Green Peace, having abundance of material things and looking like you've made it, getting through life with the aid of anti-depressants, the righteous religious who realised he's put his faith on the wrong thing ... basically spelling out what it means to be lost in a graphically honest manner. It was powerful and I could sense in the audience that many could identify with the characters, especially given its particular context. The play ends on a positive note where there was kind of re-birth/ baptism moment.

I found it so refreshing because unlike many presentations put up by the church, it feels as if we're compelled to 'resolve' the problem and provide the solution, informing the audience how they should conclude, what they should think and believe. Perhaps I'm somewhat influenced by post-modern thinking, but I think we need to trust our audience to have the capacity to reflect and that the Holy Spirit will lead them to truth about God. I think it's better to deal honestly with the issues at hand and address them seriously, rather than gloss over it in an almost pejorative manner. When we do the former, we tell the world that we are sinners too and can identify with the brokenness that is common in all humanity. When we do the latter and are eager to dish out 'solutions' (which is usually in terms of quick-fix and pat answers) it gives the impression that Christians don't really get the issue, think we're better than the rest, know it all or have all the solutions and can't wait to get people to change their mind and convert! It's arrogant and I'm not surprised if some, if not many, find it distasteful.

That's not to say that we leave out the gospel and all, but instead of simply 'preaching' it in terms of what people ought to believe, or more common, how they should behave (?!), we can share about how Christ has made a difference in our lives. We can testify about our own experience and lovingly extend an invitation for our friends to taste and see that He is as good as we claim. In fact I'd go as far to say that even if we don't conclude with a former proclamation of the gospel that's fine too. Just open up the conversation and do it so that instead of reacting to our message, if people would give thought to the issues raised and be willing to consider it deeper, then I think we've 'achieved' our goal. They can always approach friends and Christians to explore more about the Christian faith and the difference Christ makes in our lives, when they're ready and desire to find out more. There is a difference when we share our faith as individuals and perhaps perceived to be less dogmatic than if someone told them from the stage what they should believe. I believe this is because the individual who share his or her faith is doing it in the context of an established relationship and matters of faith is a personal one. If the church finds it too risky to leave things open ended, God still has a way to use 'secular' production to do the job... and He sneaks up on us that way.

Family of God

2006-11-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

I want to thank all who've shared with me in my recent misfortune ... the many who've prayed, expressed sympathy, referred me to reliable computer dealers, offered to loan my a laptop, 'loan' softwares, use of scanner to scan from the hard copies of my work ... and on and on. I'm grateful for the love and concern expressed. The community here and in Regent is not large but it's big enough to feel distanced. Not being a community group in College or small group in church here, I do feel a wee bit disconnected at times. Yet God's got a way of reaching me through His children... both far and near. I'm a typical Chinese in the sense that I don't like to trouble people with such matters, especially when there's nothing anybody can really do about it. When this incident took place recently I hesitated to share and was a bit lost as to whom to share it with and not having access to email and IM, didn't make it easier. Yet I told some I met in the course of the week and others whom I could think of to consult. So I was pretty touched by all those who offered consolation and to help in ways big and small.

Being away from home and my pool of 'natural' resources, I learn to ask for help. With regards to things like purchasing a laptop, I have never been very confident and would usually ask around, and even ask a friend to come along with me. This goes against my independent spirit but it's good for my soul and wisdom demands it. I'm grateful for my friend who helped me source for this laptop. I met him on Monday, following the incident, where he made a call and found out about this unit. It was good deal and I thanked him for the lead, telling him I'd think about it as I was not decided on whether to get a laptop or desktop. Without me knowing, he had actually gone down to the shop and taken a look at the unit that evening itself. This place is on the east side, more than 1/2 hour away on the bus. My friend lives even further out and it takes him over an hour on the bus to get home ... but he bothered to stop on the way and went to take a look at the unit. I am touched by his friendship. He's a fellow Malaysian and being out here, we try to look out for one another ... there's a kind of bond and I experience the family of God in a very real and tangible way.

All these added to my pool of resources which made it easier for me to forgive whoever who broke into my home. I believe the community of faith is a powerful force when it expresses itself in love. It gave me a tiny glimpse of what happened at the recent shootout in the school in the Armish community and helped me understand how the families of those victims could chose to forgive in response to the horrific events. I see the love and support they received from their tight-knitted community had given them strength to respond in love and forgiveness, instead of bitterness and vengeance. That's not to discount the fact that they had to make a conscious choice to do so and God's grace enabled them to so choose and live by that choice.

This to me is a picture of the people of God, a community of love and faith. We don't respond in a totally 'rational' way as the world expects us because we live out of faith in God as our foundation. The community gathers strength when we realise the enemy is not one of us, despite all our internal tussles or when one of our own fall into sin. The enemy is not even those who are outside of the community and do not share our views. But he is the one acts against God and use people as his instruments. He leads them to misrepresent God and focus on fighting flesh and blood, to divert attention from himself and his schemes. This is the enemy that we should unite and fight against.

Rough week

2006-11-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

My apartment got broken into last Sunday. It took place between 12 -2.30pm when all my housemates and I were out. 3 of our 4 rooms got broken into and 2 laptops including mine was taken, as well as my housemate's wallet and almost all my cheque books. We reported to the police and I stopped all my cheques. The only room not broken into had a light on (and I used to nag him for his environmentally unfriendly and unsustainable habit!) while the rest of the house was not lit. It was a very dreary and rainy day and an unlit apartment was a clear sign that no one else was home. Being a long weekend here, it was all very likely that the apartment would be empty. However if there was any inkling that someone was actually in the room, then I think the person was rather brave to still hit the other 3 rooms, going through my stuff quite a bit too. I'm just glad I was not at home alone to encounter the person.

I feel the lost ... a laptop is a very important part of a student's life. Irony of it was that I was still taking photo of my desk with the laptop on it, around 4pm the day before and even posted it on my blog. Most painful was the lost of my data which I had absolutely no backup! All my work done here the past year over and also before - gone. But all's not lost ... am thankful for my diligence in maintaining a blog so at least I still have remnant of some of the photos I've taken. Learned my lesson in a very painful way which some can identify with if they've had their hard drive crashed or infected by virus (I sure hope others are learning from this experience of mine as well). It feels odd to open to 'My Documents' folder and not find a single word document in the file. Extremely odd, leaving you with a sick hollow feeling. I feel like I'm piecing my life together as I install softwares and re-set all my bookmarks from scratch ... I had a very established bookmark folder for my Firefox browser and depended heavily on it. Sometimes I feel like crying but I don't ... can't see what good that will do. Moreover it's not the end of the world. Far from.

Initially I didn't feel safe in my room since I was not able to lock the door. It was frustrating because the management was only able to fix it earlier today ... which is 5 days later, even though Monday was a holiday. Had to make sure one of us was at home all the time this week, it was quite annoying. I was grateful for my parents who called and text me regularly to check in with me, or I would have been so depressed otherwise. Am glad to have 3 guys as my housemates at such times ... I've had worst experience of being robbed point blank in the middle of the street and walk-in robbery at gun point at home. This pale in comparison but still can't help thinking why should these things happen to my family. Last year my parents' house got broken into and before that, my brother's house in New Zealand. We live in a broken, sinful world ... literally, no matter where we are. I was quite upset that something so important to me would be taken from me from my own room ... feel kind of violated.

I must admit I was tempted to join the others to curse the person, although I know I'd feel really bad and can't forgive myself if something terrible did happen to him or her. It crossed my mind if the person was driven to such actions out of a desperate state. When my pastor mentioned that we can pray God will deal justice to the person, I was hesitant to agree ... As I pondered more, I am reminded that Jesus taught us to pray "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I dared not pray for justice although I have no doubt that God is just. He is also merciful and more importantly, He has dealt very mercifully with me.

I am thankful for friends who've been sympathetic and encouraging, although the lost is not terribly significant compared to other stuff. A few people have prayed for the return of my laptop and that's my prayer too. Without a battery (I've removed it) and with a non-Canadian/American power plug, I do hope it'd be valueless to the person, and that they'll abandon it and it would be returned to me. In the mean time, a friend linked me up with a computer dealer and I managed to purchase a second hand laptop. The specs are quite good and he's willing to undertake the repairs (no warranty). The dealer is a Christian who's been taking care of IT needs for Regent and even hope to take classes with Regent next year. Although he's had the unit, he was not intending to sell it but have been using it personally. The price was quite reasonable and if I'd had bought a lower specs brand new model I'd still have to pay for original software. The damage would have been pretty severe. I'd thought it was a decent deal and am happy with the purchase so far. Trusting the Lord to sustain me through the rest of my studies here. Of course it's ironical that I replaced the laptop before they managed to replace the lock to my door! However in view of the fact that I've not been able to work due to my hectic work load this term, this is quite a bummer financially.

I think of Christmas that is fast approaching - can't help it with the season growing colder here and Advent in 2 weeks' time. For all that has happened, somehow I feel blessed compared to those who are suffering far more than I am and experiencing loss that is greater than mine. I have no cause for complaint and many reasons to be thankful. These things do happen and I learn to accept that the 'trials' I face is not uncommon to others (1 Cor 10:31) although I do not wish it upon anyone. I was listening to a Regent grad, Wee Seng from Singapore, share about the work of God in China, to my Chinese friends attending the Alpha meeting tonight. I was greatly encouraged to hear about the growth of the church in China, probably the fastest growing church in the world. China has always had a special place in my heart and this news filled my heart with rejoicing and hope. I know it touched the students too and gave them lots to think about. Not only is it legal for China to print Bibles for local distribution, which they have been doing and growing exponentially, but today China is also an exporter of the Bible!! Copies of these Contemporary English Version Bible can be found in Regent bookstore. The demand for the Bible is growing in China (duh!) and sales for the pocket size Bible has outgrown the full size indicating that people who are buying and reading the Bible are from the younger generation. This Christmas as we experience and remember God's generosity and grace, may we be generous givers to the work of God and spread His love and Good News to those who still do not know the true reason for our celebration.

JVIS Test

2006-11-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

+0.73	Very Similar	Counsellors/Student Personnel Workers
+0.72	Very Similar	Teaching and Related Occupations
+0.68	Very Similar	Administrative and Related Occupations
+0.63	Very Similar	Occupations in Accounting, Banking and Finance
+0.60	Similar	Occupations in Law and Politics
+0.56	Similar	Clerical Services
+0.52	Similar	Occupations in Pre-school and Elementary Teaching
+0.51	Similar	Sales Occupations
+0.49	Similar	Personnel/Human Management
+0.46	Similar	Occupations in Religion

Highest Job Group: Counselors/Student Personnel Workers
People in these occupations assist others in understanding and overcoming personal, developmental, and social problems. They share information about such things as careers and study skills with others in such a way that it is meaningful and helpful to the person seeking assistance. Individuals in these areas tend to score high on the JVIS scales of Teaching, Social Service, Human Relations Management, and Professional Advising. Listed below is a sample of some of the occupations available in this area. To learn more about the occupations that make up this job group, search the complete NOC listings.

Occupations in Social Science, Education, Government Service and Religion
Educational Counsellors (e.g. Guidance Counsellor)
Psychologists (e.g. Clinical Psychologist)
Social Workers (e.g. Social Worker)
Family, Marriage / Other Related Counsellors (e.g. Bereavement Counsellor, Marriage and Family Therapist, Addictions Counsellor, Child and Youth Counsellor)
Community / Social Service Workers (e.g. Crisis Intervention Worker, Social Services Worker, Group Home Worker, Youth Worker)
Employment Counsellors (e.g. Career Counsellor, Vocational Counsellor)

Lord have mercy

2006-11-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

Some of you might have read about Ted Haggart's resignation. It's painful when we see a fellow Christian soldier, a general at that, fall. Absolutely heartbreaking. It is also a stark reminder that we are all susceptible to being tempted and none of us are immune to sin, but are kept by the grace of God. We all have our share of struggles in our areas of weakness and given the right combination of factors, you can never say what you are capable of doing.

Not only was Ted the Senior Pastor of New Life Church but also the president of the US National Association of Evangelicals. This one is particularly close to home. One of the worship pastors there is a friend whom I knew growing up, in the Youth Fellowship in my church.

I have no right to cast the first stone. I can only cast my prayers and invite you to do the same. It's a painful time for the Body of Christ. May the Lord have mercy and restore him and his family, sustain the church during this difficult period and the Body of Christ at large, especially those in America. Although he has suffered tremendous shame (friends tell me this was front page on national newspaper in NZ), it is not beyond redemption and the reach of God's grace.

The National Association of Evangelicals is a group that is 30-million strong with over 50 years of history. However, in the last few years, its headquarters has moved to an office within Haggard’s New Life Community Church with its staffers fully employed by the church. This failure on the part of the NAE to operate independent of any one church or person is among the most critical mistakes the organisation has made – a fault that must be acknowledged and amended immediately.
Read more here at Christianity Today

Our church's overseers have required me to submit to the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford, and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage, and my family.
Read his personal statement to the church: New Life Church

Solitude

2006-11-02T00:22:00.000-08:00

Feel like I'm back from the grave. The past few weeks of this semester have been the busiest since I've been here. The amount of work I had to do in terms of studies have been immense. I've written 5 full-size (3,500- 4,000 words) papers in the last 6 weeks on top of having to read a book a weekly and hand in a report for them. It was physically tiring and mentally demanding. This is in light of the fact that I've had a very hectic summer. So am breathing a little easier today. Thank God for His grace that sustained me and kept me. The last paper I had to write was the longest of them but I had no idea how to tackle the paper by last Thu night (which was due 4 days later). Thinking under pressure wasn't helpful and was starting to feel slight panic. Cancelled some appointments and asked for prayers all round. By midnight I could see a cloud in the horizon. It did feel like it came out of nowhere and the thesis emerged with more clarity the following day. This is not the way I like to work and write my papers but someone used to tell me, we don't get to work in ideal conditions, so we do our best with what we're given. God knew this ahead of time and I'm glad I'm not working part-time during this season because I would have not been able to keep it up and still do a good job, both in terms of work and studies.

The last 2-3 weeks have been so intense that I felt like I've been caving or like Jonah in the belly of the fish and feel as if my life has been running on hibernate mode. Doing the absolutely minimum and have had passed up on quite a bit, like public lectures (even one by James Houston), chapel services, alpha meetings and most of my social engagement, even my online appearance was almost non-existent. My friends found it hard to believe and so did I!! But one's gotta do what one's gotta do. So I'm thankful the Lord sustained and His faithfulness in keeping me me through all that. During this time I could not depend on anyone but look to Him. However I am grateful for those who've given me moral and prayer support and even help me work through my initial framework for my paper. I thought I'd be very unhappy about having to give up all that I really enjoyed doing but I guess I was too busy to think about it.

I know that you can't always put life on hold to tackle a crisis so I guess this is a luxury that I have as a full-time student and single person. It does reflect very poor planning and I have to learn to work with my limitations and not to be too ambitious - but I'm a slow learner! Yet I must say this has been a good season of retreat for me from my usual busy social butterfly life. I thought I'd resent this imposed withdrawal but I found myself finding a sense of peace within me. Perhaps I've been too busy to notice it, nevertheless it's a good sign I think to be able to accept it even though I really didn't have much choice. I guess that would be the only way ... probably would not have chosen to do it voluntarily!

Then again with internet I go all over the world through my computer even though I'm stuck to the desk, and that has source of ample distractions. Sigh. Which explains the new look on this blog. A result of boredom ... and like the theme of this blog, it was time for change. Time for more colours and light ... maybe it reflects what's taken place within me. Time for more colours and light in my life, out with the dark and bleak outlook, which I'm prone to in my melancholic moments. It's a step forward I hope ... a change that perhaps took place when I was unawares, and even is still being worked out in me. I don't know and am not in control. I can only wait and see what the Lord is doing in me. In the mean time, the submarine is ready to re-emerge! So look out world - here I come!

I find this new skin refreshing and hope you enjoy it too.

Real Lament

2006-10-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

As I'm writing my paper on the intermediate state of the soul between death and the day of resurrection I lament that in this day and age, there are not many songs written today that help people, especially Christians, to deal with tough emotions. Songs that help us be honest with our pain and struggles, and teach us to truly lament. We have songs for thanksgiving, rejoicing, resting and releasing our burdens, even of toiling and working for God, and if I may add, victory in Christ. Songs of brokenness are usually related to repentance of sin and Christ's suffering on the cross. Is this a sign that we are unfamiliar with hardships? I doubt so. Do we give permission for people to lament and even voice our frustration and rage? Such songs are rare, if at all. If we truly believe that all emotions that we experience are valid and do not carry any moral judgment, then we must validate the expressions of such emotions. If not, then we can understand why Christians often feel the Church is not a safe place to express our hopelessness and despair, grief and anger... it seems there is no place for failure, much less, to talk about it. Many have expressed that it is easier to share with non-Christian friends because they have less expectation and are often less judmental. Failures and struggles are not automatically equated with sin or lack of trust in God, but part of being human. Even when it comes to confessing our sins, we often feel more comfortable confessing to a non-Christian friend than our Christian leaders. At least we know it won't be held against us for years to come ... It is sad and I don't blame them for thinking that Christians are hypocritical! Can you imagine if everytime we spoke to each other, we caveat it with a declaration, "Hello everybody, my name is Cheryl and I'm a sinner" (which means I'm a Christian and God is at work in me)?

I was happy to come across this site ... it has a list of songs and resources for helping us deal with the rough patches of life. Some of these lyrics are hard core honest.

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary

2006-10-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary
Pure and holy, tried and true
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

It is you, Lord
Who came to save
The heart and soul
Of every man
It is you Lord
who knows my weakness
Who gives me strength,
With thine own hand.

Lead Me on Lord
From temptation
Purify me
From within
Fill my heart with
You holy spirit
Take away all my sin

Do I really mean this? I don't know. This song came to me. A simple old melody and I didn't know there were verses cause we only used to sing the chorus.

Soo-Inn and his wife will be visiting us in Regent this Fri. Looking forward to that.

Love bade me welcome

2006-10-10T23:23:00.001-07:00

Love (Sonnet III)

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning If I lack'd anything.

A guest, I answer'd, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

Truth, Lord, but I have marr'd them:
let my shame Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

—George Herbert, 1593-1633

Body World - Part 2

2006-10-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've just been alerted by my friend about some controversy that have arisen with regards to the above exhibition. As mentioned in my earlier blog, I am quite keen to visit this exhibition. Although I'm aware there will be a degree of shock factor, nevertheless I think it is an educational and eye-opening exhibition. I don't agree that this in any way dishonours the person whose body is being exhibited or lacks human dignity provided it is done with, and only with, the consent of the deceased. It must be voluntary donation of organs and body parts. Apparently many of the exhibits do include a consent statement, but some of them are questionable, in particular those coming from China. This is very sad and will seriously taint how this exhibition will be deemed in the eyes of the public.

See related articles here:
Article by National Public Radio
The Guardian
Article by Christoph Reiners, of Peace Lutheran
Article by Rabbi Baruch Frydman-Kohl
Stop Body Worlds Blog

Superman, I am not

2006-10-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

I was reading a few blogs from different folks and realised that many of us struggle with feelings of depression. It's not uncommon at all and I was saddened to find some who are very young struggling with this too. Life is tough. These are the first 3 words in M. Scott Peck's book, The Road Less Travelled. It's hard and the sooner we accept this, the better it would be. "Once we know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." I think this goes especially for Christians. I find that many Christians have bought the idea that life is better, or at least is not meant to be difficult, just because we profess faith in Christ. In my years of walking with the Lord and as I seek to study the Word more faithfully, I'm not so sure. Life is tough ... and it's probably tougher for Christians. Why? Simply because the way of life in this world is hostile to those who refuse to buy into the world's system and values. We are declaring war with this world's principalities and powers when we choose to identify with Christ. With that, the Cross itself is a testimony that the world is at enmity with God and those who follow Him. We are told to bear our cross daily. We have hope in Christ and that is true, but it is not a hope for a better life in this world, I'm afraid. Christ warned us that if we are to follow Him we must take up our cross and be prepared for persecution. That is not to say we act foolishly and bring self-inflicted predicament upon ourselves. But it will not be a bed of roses. It is not hopelessness because I believe that in Christ there is hope that our efforts are not in vain, yet at the same time accept that this life is difficult. So we have hope that is not of this world, thus we do not strive but look to the ultimate hope we have in Christ. Does that mean life offers no joy? No comfort? Oh no. But joy in the Lord is knowing that we have been reconciled with God and called to live a life that has purpose and meaning. We're not merely existing and the hardships of life will not easily dissuade us from living for God. The comfort we receive from God is in the midst of all our tribulations - not in the absence of them (2 Cor 1:3-7). In fact Paul tells us that we share in his comfort precisely because we are also partakers of his suffering. I'm afraid it's false consolation to tell someone that following Christ means we will not struggle or will be spared from hardships.

Having said that, I must admit I am prone to feelings of depression myself and understand that the things that life throws at us can sometimes, if not often, seem overwhelming. So overwhelming that you feel you are incapable of facing them... to the point that you just want to shut out all the pain. When my friends tell me that life is fragile and that we can be called home anytime, sometimes, I wonder why it's taking so long. I long to be home. Longing to the point that it aches. Long for the day when I won't feel the sting of loneliness .... long to be delivered from this body that is broken and marred by sin, always inclining towards sin ... long to see the Father face to face, look into His eyes of love and hear Him whisper my name, full of love. I want to feel His embrace and I know I'm home. I'm safe. There's a song that goes "I can only imagine..." that talks about this day. (Link to the lyrics)

In the mean time, I continue on this journey, by His grace. I am depending on Him to carry me through daily because I can't... on my own, by my own strength. I do what I can, which is to hopelessly abandon myself to Him and His mercy. Also, I have a burden to share this journey with fellow pilgrims as we make our way home. That is the reason I was drawn to the pastoral ministry. It didn't take me long to realise that there's nothing I can do about their pain. I couldn't deliver anyone from their depression. I could offer no 'solution'. Some of us wish we were Superman, having the power to change the world and make a real difference, even between life and death! For me, watching Superman made me realise that he too is constantly fighting a losing battle. He can't solve all the problems of humanity and he has his limitations. For me, it was frustrating. Very frustrating.

I saw my friends hurting and some seem to have a much harder deal in life than others. I don't know why and sometimes wish life would give them a break. I admire them for their courage to face life. I don't blame them for feeling tired or discouraged because I don't know if I can do any better. I've since learned that I can't solve their problems but I can offer to stand with them as they faced those problems, or mine for that matter. I have no quick-fix and make no promises, but have only myself to offer - my companionship on this difficult journey. I know God is present with us in the midst of all these and has not left us alone; and I plant myself as a physical reminder of that presence. A reminder that ... He is at work in our lives; He has not abandoned us; He sees our suffering; He is not untouched by our pain; and most of all that He loves us. And I offer to pray. I'm not a super-spiritual prayer warrior and have my own struggles in my prayer life. But I pray not because of how 'great' or effective my prayer is, but to acknowledge He is in control, to affirm that He cares and hears our prayers. So for what it's worth, I lovingly bring them before the Lord in prayer, especially when they themselves are too weak even to pray. Is that good enough? I don't know. Does that make a difference? I hope.

Desiring God Conference

2006-10-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

This conference was held in the US recently. I've come across a few Christians (bloggers) who attended the conference and have been impacted by the sessions.
Link to listen or read these messages. Highly recommend it.

Cracking Down on Bloggers

2006-10-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

Recently there have been a number of libel suits against bloggers which we should pay attention and heed. A needed reminder for responsible blogging especially in view of our Christian commitment. There are important and far reaching implications that should give us a cause for concern. I can foresee some taking advantage of this development to limit our freedom of expression. Yet I understand the need to curb abuse of this highly accessibly platform.
Link

Labyrinth

2006-10-05T03:08:00.000-07:00

Just sharing my fascination with this symbol. As mentioned below, it's not a unique Christian practice, but Christians have adopted it for many years as a tool for meditation and prayer. In my class today, we talked about how we've lost the imagery of journey/ pilgrimage with regards to our faith. Perhaps this is one possible way of regaining the sense of that image.

Labyrinth is a means for prayer. Starting on the outside of the labyrinth, the praying person enters the labyrinth and prayerfully follows its winding paths to the centre. In the quiet, spiritual centre there is opportunity for rest, prayer, and preparation for the journey back to the world. For many walkers, the Labyrinth is a spiritual practice - for meditation, healing or insight. A labyrinth, unlike a maze, has no dead ends. There is only one path, and while it does have twists and turns, you can’t get lost. The same path takes you into the labyrinth and out again. With a labyrinth you don’t have to think, or analyze, or solve a problem. With a labyrinth you just trust that the path will lead you to where you need to be.

The classical or seventh circuit labyrinth has seven circuits, referring the seven paths that lead to the center or goal. This is an ancient design and is found in most cultures. It is sometimes dated back more than 4000 years. Also known as the Cretan Labyrinth it is associated with the myth of Theseus and the Minotaur. This design was found on Cretan coins.

The classical labyrinth has an association with Christianity. A cross is the starting point used to construct this labyrinth. The cross at the center can become the focus for meditation and the experience of the labyrinth. The classical labyrinth design is found in many churches in Europe.

The Middle Ages showed a renewed interest in labyrinths and a design more complex than the classical seven-circuit labyrinth became popular.

This was an eleven-circuit design divided into four quadrants. It was often found in Gothic Cathedrals but over time many of these eleven-circuit designs were destroyed or intentionally removed.

The most famous of these remaining labyrinths is at Chartres Cathedral near Paris, France. The labyrinth at Chartres was built around 1200 and is laid into the floor in a style sometimes referred to as a pavement maze. The original center piece has been removed and other areas of the labyrinth have been restored.

This labyrinth was meant to be walked but is reported to be infrequently used today. In the past it could be walked as a pilgrimage and/or for repentance. As a pilgrimage it was a questing, searching journey with the hope of becoming closer to God. When used for repentance the pilgrims would walk on their knees. Sometimes this eleven-circuit labyrinth would serve as a substitute for an actual pilgrimage to Jerusalem and as a result came to be called the "Chemin de Jerusalem" or Road of Jerusalem.

In walking the Chartres style labyrinth the walker meanders through each of the four quadrants several times before reaching the goal. An expectancy is created as to when the center will be reached. At the center is a rosette design which has a rich symbolic value including that of enlightenment. The four arms of the cross are readily visible and provide significant Christian symbolism.

Virtual walk of the labyrinth.

Andrea Bocelli

2006-09-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge fan of Andrea Bocelli. I think he's really sexy and reminds me of the movie Scent of a Woman. I'm beginning to realise that many of my heroes were either lawyers, trained in law or intended to pursue legal training.

Andrea Bocelli is a classical operatic singer. Born in Lajatico, rural Tuscany not far from Pisa, Bocelli describes himself as a "product of the countryside". Born with poor eyesight, he became totally blind at the age of 12 following a soccer accident.

Despite his obvious musical talents, Bocelli didn't consider a career in music until he had studied law at the University of Pisa and had earned a Doctor Of Law degree. Inspired to pursue music, he studied with famed tenor Franco Corelli, supporting himself by performing in piano bars.

Today Bocelli has emerged as one of the most exciting voices of contemporary opera and has been called "the fourth tenor". Bocelli possesses a very unique gift - a beautiful, natural voice that communicates directly from the heart. His good friend Celine Dion described his voice once saying... "If God had a singing voice, it would sound much like Andrea Bocelli."

I found this video of a very cool fountain dance at the famous Bellagio fountain in Las Vegas, using his song, 'Time to Say Goodbye'. Watch the video here! You can also watch other related videos listed on the right panel there.

Body World

2006-09-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

Real humans. Real science. Really amazing!
Never before has an exhibition offered such an intimate look at the human body. Approximately 200 real human specimens—whole body plastinates, individual organs, transparent body slices and healthy and diseased organs—present a one-of-a-kind anatomy and physiology lesson. See how your body’s systems relate to one another and work together to help you function and survive. View firsthand how lifestyle choices impact your health and how muscles and joints work together during athletic performance.

BODY WORLDS 3 was created by anatomist, Dr. Gunther von Hagens, inventor of Plastination—the groundbreaking method of anatomical specimen preservation. This technology allows authentic specimens to be displayed in a lifelike fashion for instruction and education, giving you an opportunity to appreciate what it really means to be human.

A note of caution with regards to the exbibtion: All body specimens are without skin so you can see the bones, muscles, tendons, nerves, blood vessels, and organs. Eyes and genitals of the body remain. A section of the exhibition highlights prenatal development, and includes embryos and fetuses!

Process of Plastination
A process at the interface of the medical discipline of anatomy and modern polymer chemistry, Plastination makes it possible to preserve individual tissues and organs that have been removed from the body of the deceased as well as the entire body itself. Like most inventions, Plastination is simple in theory: in order to make a specimen permanent, decomposition must be halted. Decomposition is a natural process triggered initially by cell enzymes released after death and later completed when the body is colonized by putrefaction bacteria and other microorganisms. By removing water and fats from the tissue and replacing these with polymers, the Plastination process deprives bacteria of what they need to survive. Bodily fluids cannot, however, be replaced directly with polymers, because the two are chemically incompatible. Gunther von Hagens found a way around this problem: In the initial fluidexchange step, water in the tissues (which comprises approximately 70% of the human body) and fatty tissues are replaced with acetone, a solvent that readily evaporates. In the second step, the acetone is replaced with a polymer solution. The trick that first proved to be critical for pulling the liquid polymer into each and every cell is what he calls "forced vacuum impregnation." A specimen is placed in a vacuum chamber and the pressure is reduced to the point where the solvent boils. The acetone is suctioned out of the tissue at the moment it vaporizes, and the resulting vacuum in the specimen causes the polymer solution to permeate the tissue This exchange process is allowed to continue until all of the tissue has been completely saturated—while a matter of only a few days for thin slices, this step can take weeks for whole bodies.

The second trick is selecting the right polymer. For this purpose, "reactive polymers" are used, i.e., polymers that cure (polymerize) under specific conditions, such as the presence of light, heat, or certain gases. Their viscosity must be low, i.e., they have to be very thin liquids; they must be able to resist yellowing; and, of course, they must be compatible with human tissue. The polymer selected determines the look and feel of the finished specimen.

Compared with this, taxidermy sounds like child's play! Check out their website. Sounds really neat and very fascinating. I hope to catch this exhibition at the Science World here. This is as close I can get without handling the live and real thing ... no plans to becoming a surgeon or nurse. Definitely don't want to be conscience if I have to go under the knife to cut off any of these!

Some hilarious folks @ Regent

2006-09-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Some videos of folks at Regent. The first one was a video presented at the recent College retreat. Stacie is a one funny talented woman and this really gives you an idea the kind of people we have here... people who trying to work out dead serious stuff like theology but know better than to take ourselves too seriously! There's some inside jokes but I'm sure you'll appreciate it too. The scene you see her camping, and later dancing around the tables of students who are studying, she's actually in the common area in College.
You must also watch the second video... this is our very own Gospel choir. We've got folks from all over the world and a very wide ethnic representation (the conductor is a Japanese lady) ... everything but an African-American!!

Links to:
Video One
Video Two

Time for me to get back to some serious studying!

Survey of Malay Muslims in Malaysia

2006-09-26T01:24:00.000-07:00

Recent survey taken in Malaysia shows that 73% think we are Islamic state
Read more here.

Peter or Judas?

2006-09-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

When my parents were here last week, my mum commented that I seem a lot happier. I guess it's hard to hide the fact that I love being here at Regent and what I'm doing, although I have faced some challenges and go through some stressful times. When asked if I love this more than pastoring ... I think that was a tough question. Tough because it's not fair and right to compare because there's really no basis for comparison. I love my time in YA and would not trade it for anything else, that is, I'd still do it, even if I was asked to choose again. There were pain and untold sorrows. The struggles that I had gone through were partly my fault and saw it as a time of change, growth and being stretched. Looking back I could see it was His grace that carried me through it all ... I know that was where He wanted me to be at that time and His faithfulness is the only thing I can boast about.

God has also graciously provided me with friends who've helped see me through this period. These friendships are priceless and precious gifts and they mean a lot to me. I won't be where I am if not for my friends. Some young, others much older and many from my peers, in all form, size and shape. They saw me and knew me... knew just how stuffy, serious and boring I can be, then with just as much grace, accept the super goofy side of me. Wild and crazy pastor ... wilder and crazier than many, if not most, of my members. I will always remember the time my CG took me out for a surprise birthday dinner. They told me they'd celebrate my birthday but did not tell me where they were taking me. We ended up driving, 3 car loads, up to Genting Highlands for dinner! I asked them what made them pull a crazy stunt like that? And their only answer was that otherwise it would not be befitting of an extreme pastor like me! I'll say that's an extreme demonstration of love!

My leaders saw in me something that I often missed in myself ... my potential in Christ! They loved me and all the bizzare range of personalities that I kept trying on did not deter them, and I think I tried quite a few. They believed in me, helped me find myself and taught me to believe in myself. They refused me to allow me equate my mistakes with failure and reminded me that it's as natural as a baby learning how to walk, insisiting that I get up and keep going. They refused to give up on me and won't let me me even think of giving up on myself. With leaders like that, it made me want to try and try again, to do something and make them proud. Do you know what it is like to have someone who inspire you like that? It gave me a glimpse of how God sees me. Often I have a very warped picture of God and He uses men and women to reveal a bit of His nature and help correct my skewed ideas. So I thank God for such godly men and women that God place in my life.

Looking back, I wince at the mistakes I've made, with deep regret... I told a friend recently that it's pretty amazing how I've managed to mess up every single opportunity God has given me, to prove myself to Him or do something for Him. It's undeniable. I used to sing a line from Frank Sinatra's song "My Way" - regrets I have a few but then again too few to mention (yes, I know this is telling of my age). This used to be my motto but as the years go by, I no longer sing it so boldly. I can't help but see my sin-tainted hand on everything I touch and wonder why God would want to involve me in his extensive and holy work. You know what? As I look back in church history, I find this same strand throughout the ages. Saints, who are also sinners, have been used by God throughout history to advance His kingdom. It's easy for us to look at them and romanticise or think that perhaps they were different or that they lived in a different generation from ours. But they're human just like us ... they got some things right but missed some other areas. Neverthless the purposes and plans of God will not be thwarted by anyone, not even if we tried ...very hard!!! How much more for us who are sincerely trying to follow God and serve Him the best we can?

Sure, for me it still feels like I've really messed things up, but my, main and only, hope, consolation and assurance, is that God is bigger than all our mistakes!! Nothing is so big an issue He cannot overcome and make turn it around for something good. I can choose to be Judas and give up, stop God from writing the rest of my story or I can choose to be Peter ... come back to him with heart-broken repentance and wonder if he'll give me another chance. Sometimes it seems like I've chosen to be Judas, trying to hide from any responsiblities and not wanting to risk another failure. But then God springs a surprise on me, turns up and gently but firmly, offers me another opportunity! He even knows what kind of offer to make me ... a baby step to help me get back on my feet and not asking of me to do what I think is way beyond me. Further he provided me a leader who is not easily deterred and very persistent, even though I feel he doesn't know me very well. He simply refused to take 'No' for an answer despite all my protests and declinations!

So what can I say? Yes, but help me Lord. I can't but You can... keep me from making a mess and fouling up this great opportunity. However even if, and when, I do mess up, please turn them around for something good and not let it thwart your plans. He'll see to that ... and if I really believe what I've written in the paper I'm working on, then His plans have already taken into account all my mistakes. Boy, what a huge relief!! The Lord brought to my mind a recent picture of my friend who was carrying a brand new tank of gas for the BBQ pit. Then his little boy (the bright blond hair little one) came alongside and the dad asked the boy if he'd give him a hand. Then he told the little guy to put his tiny hand and carried it as hard as he could! You know what? It really didn't matter what the little boy was doing cause the dad was doing the carrying and will see to it that the tank gets to the pit anyways. But from the child's perspective, he felt really important that he was giving dad a hand and pleased that his dad had asked for his help. The dad on the other hand also got a kick out of seeing his son's desire to participate in what he was doing!

Were you encouraged a little by this blog? I was just preaching to myself and I do that sometimes... feel uplifted just hearing the word of God being preached back at myself!

New semester, new beginnings

2006-09-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for God for seeing me through the first week. Earlier this week, I was panicking about my workload and felt pretty overwhelmed. Made some resolutions including backing out of this weekend's College retreat, so that I could work on a paper. Feel like I can breathe a little easier and can cut myself some slack, and taking some time to blog. One tiny miracle this week was finishing my book report for my class on Wed. My friend was superbly impressed that I pulled it off because I had told him I had not started reading when I saw him on Tue afternoon, as I was going in for my class! Started after dinner and worked through most of the night, reading over 170 pages of John Cassian's book entitled Conferences - an ancient work dating back to 300AD. Thank God that he even gave me a good illustration to help me better understand the reading!

I have completely new housemates this year. One of them is a Hong Kong parentage but raised in Singapore. He's a 3rd year Economics student in UBC. He's one mean cook and cooks almost everyday, with full works of boiling soup and all (can immediately see the Cantonese influence). And I get to benefit from the extra soup sometimes - yes! He's quiet and clean. The other 2 are also guys; both are good friends. One of them turned 19 last Sunday and he's a Filipino Chinese with Canadian citizenship. He's just transferred to UBC, doing 2nd year Economics. Finally the last one is a Canadian and he is from British Columbia, his family lives about 45 minutes drive away. He's 18 and turning 19 at the end of the year! His major is in Religious Studies and does even more intense work than I do at the graduate studies level, including Classical and Biblical Greek and Latin! He sleeps with choral singing playing on his computer all night long.

Both the young lads lived in a catered dormitory residence last year and neither of them cook. So they've been surviving on take-outs and frozen dinners. Last night I cooked some rice and curry and offered them to my housemates. It was a real hit and they all felt it had a good level of spiciness - which means it was too spicy for me! Har har, yeah it's a joke. So yeap, I'm keeping up my tradition of collecting boys... a whole house of them this year. I think they're really easy going, and so far, I find it easier than sharing with girls. Keeping my fingers crossed and keeping up my prayers. A little bit of noise doesn't bother me. They've set up a 20' TV complete with home entertainment DVD set in the living area. Boys, especially young boys, and their toys. They've not been watching it though cause the TV didn't come with a remote control! It's been pretty quiet so far. Generally they're not too messy and don't dirty up the place, or are ok with washing up if I tell them the dishes been left out for too long. My ex-housemates visited me this week and found the place cleaner than when they were living here ... and they are 2 girls.

I love my new super big room... can bring in an entire 2-seater sofa and turn it more all 360º, which is amazing. Still in the same apartment, but occupying the room at the end of the corridor, intended for disabled. For the same price of the other rooms, it's a blessing. Even put up some nice gel-ly friends on my window. Check it out.

It's kind of tricky trying to shoot these gel-ly gems because the camera is pointed at the window and the light outside is quite bright. I'm learning to keep the camera in the shadow and try to aim my camera at the object, which with a 'point and shoot' camera it automatically tries to focus to the wall behind! You can see what I mean if you click on the first photo.

What really matters

2006-09-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

This summer has been a exceedingly hectic summer - moving out, working, working as a TA, coordinating Summer School's Prayer Retreat, working as Orientation TA for the new intake of students, moving back in, finished 2 courses, then spending time with my parents' visit the last 11 days. On top of that, attending chapels, evening lectures, still try to enjoy the summer, spend time with catching up with friends and saying good-bye to those who left. I don't even know how I managed all that except for his grace ... nothing short of sheer grace.

Just as He has seen me through the last year and this Summer term, I know He will see me through this year. I have some catching up to do since I have not been keeping up with my coursework this past week my parents were here and term started this week. I am taking a course on Conversion and Transformation, another on Classics of Christian Spirituality and a seminar on Prayer. I will also be finishing my audio Systematic Theology C course which I started in the summer but haven't been able to get very far because of my hectic schedule. I am looking forward to all my classes. Conversion and discipleship is something that has always weigh heavily in my heart. I have lots of questions about what it means to be saved, the process of being a convert and disciple, how does transformation takes place in the life of a disciple, etc. I am glad to be taking the seminar on Prayer, and have been asking God to teach me to pray and have a consistent prayer life. I know that's one area I really need to work on and hope to approach this course (and all my other courses!) prayerfully. I need to submit my research topic this week so have to start cracking my head on it. The Classics of Christian Spirituality will lead me to read works from saints from across a wide span from different ages in Church history. Some of these I've read before and others are works I've been wanting to read ... so I'm really looking forward to reading these great classics. I thank God for courses that makes you read books you've been meaning to read anwyays - but still it's not joke to read about 6-7 works for one course with a reading report due every week! Thus I'm taking a few more credits than I've taken in previous terms, so it's gonna be a very challenging semester.

On the not so bright side - the weather has just turned a whole 10C colder and it rained the whole day! Fall is officially here. I'm glad God has given us really good weather the past few days my parents were here. We were still wearing only our t-shirts 2-3 days ago but they literally felt the days colder by the day since they came. It's really fun to experience the change of season and Fall happen to be my mum's favourite.

Besides the weather, I received some pretty hard news this week. It came as a very huge blow to me and took the wind out of me, partly because I did not see it coming. My confidence was completely crushed and felt as if I've seemed to successfully messed every opportunity God has given me to serve Him. I am so scared of attempting to do anything more for God because I know my sin-tainted hands are bound to mess them up. I even told my pastor that I have major doubts about taking up the responsiblity of coordinating the multimedia operators, despite my previous blog (which he told me he had read!). I am grateful to God for providing me friends to help me process through some of these stuff and to put things in perspective; friends, both far and near, who've listened and stood with me. I appreciate very much all their words of encouragement during this crucial period. I apologise for keeping things vague but the details are quite immaterial. It is also for the sake of protecting the identity of parties involved because I've been surprised by who actually reads this blog - the fact that anyone out there even reads this blog serves to amaze me. I thank God for keeping me intact and helping me learn from this humbling experience.

Like I said earlier, God has seen me through so far, I am trusting Him to see me the rest of the way. Some prayer items I'd appreciate if you could breathe a prayer to God are:
1. Course workload - grace, discipline, wisdom and strength to see me through this semester's demanding courses.
2. Work - I'm in the midst of looking for another job, something that's less demanding in view of the heavy course workload that I have. Whether I work less hours or if I don't work, I'm trusting God knows best and will provide for me.
3. Ministry - I will continue to serve with the Alpha for International students. Praying to God to bring in more helpers for this outreach to mostly tertiary students from China. Needs lots of grace for the new responsiblities as multimedia coordinator in Church.

As I told my dear friend, no matter how we do in our studies or even in ministry - that God loves us just the same. I used to tell my friends, in a jesting manner, when I feel overwhelmed by the pressure of my studies ... that I feel like jumping off a building! One of them would always gently remind me each time that my life is worth more than 3 credits (the number of credits for each course generally)! It's just her simple way of assuring me what really matters and reminding me that even if I were to fail the course, it's not worth dying for!! Thus my encouragement to my friend is something I need to hear for myself as well - that is, even if I were to fail all my courses, not have a job, completely fail in ministry - these are not the basis of my salvation. Neither are they the basis that God chose to love me.

One last thought for the day... during my parents' trip here I was reminded me of what it's like to have a Havenly Father who is constantly looking out for us. I did most of the driving, for some very good reasons: I've not driven for months; my father's not used to right hand drive; I was more familiar with the local roads (although I don't drive here). On several occassions he has 'rebuked' other drivers for not letting me pass or using their horn, with comments like "Who's bullying my daughter?". This is not said in a very angry kind of tone but said more for my sake since the other drivers can't hear him. He's super protective and cannot stand to see anybody bullying his children. It's not like he is terribly patient with me or does not comment if I make a mistake ... but his 'harshness' with me is out of love. However he will not stand for anyone taking advantage of his children or harrassing us. He will not hesitate to stand up for us if he perceives that we're being mistreated and if need to, show others how tough he is capable of. This sort of 'harshness' is also motivated by love but it is not something you want to mess with. That's the way our Heavenly Father is and especially towards the fatherless. He constantly provides for us, looks out for us and will not hesitate to stand up for us if anyone tries to mess with His precious children. May we have a deeper appreciation of the Father's love for us daily; may we live in and out of a deep sense of security in His love; and may all our service spring out of an overflow of His love.

Time with my parents

2006-09-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

My parents are in Vancouver for their first visit since I came, over a year ago. It's really been awesome to be able to spend some time with them. We visited the Rockies over the weekend. Have driven more than 1,000 miles since they arrived. My friends here think that's absolute madness... but then again, those who know me should know this is nothing for me, or my family! We visited Vancouver Island and Butchard Gardens. It's pretty amazing. More amazing for me is to see my dad taking pictures of flowers. Here is the link to some of the photos I took during these trips ... can compare them with my last trip to the Rockies in Spring. They look pretty different.

Link to the photos.

Lake Louise in Spring.

Lake Louise in Summer.

The way you look tonight

2006-09-13T13:27:00.001-07:00

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you look to-night.

This is one of those awfully low days...
And this is one song that can play in my dream and lead me to wake up dancing!

Summer Photos!

2006-09-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

Malaysians doing an outdoor BBQ in the park - only in Vancouver!

Farewell for KC and Sophia at Victor's place. One of the many this summer.

Helped to hand out icy cold drinks and fizzies beside the church to walkers for BC: Run for Cure for the Cancer Foundations. They came out to run in their full gear!

Dr Karen Jobes taught on the book of Esther which I helped to TA. Learned heaps from her!

Dr Alister McGrath taught on Apologetics. He was crystal clear and very helpful in answering many of the questions students brought to class.

Sharon Jebb Smith hails from Ireland. A Regent alumni who came to taught this Summer. Both she and her husband have a very lovely Irish accent.

One of my best thus far. Was surprised at my camera's ability. Not bad at all for a point and shoot.

Found this cafe located in Granville Island, with every table individually designed with infills like this!

Little Sammy holding out a flower for me to take a photo! Love his amazing blond hair - won't get it that colour even if I bleached mine over and over again. I should know... I tried.

Little Hannah is from Malaysia. She's just mastered riding on 2 wheels. So proud of her. Look at the amazing flowers she is posing beside. Juxtaposed them together for some perspective.

This humongous sunflower is taken from the garden of the house located next to my church. Contrast it with the school in the background. I'm amazed it is actually standing.

The Cracked Pot

2006-08-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

A water-bearer had two large pots. Each hung on opposite ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other was perfect. The latter always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house. The cracked pot arrived only half-full. Every day for a full two years, the water-bearer delivered only one and a half pots of water. The perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, because it fulfilled magnificently the purpose for which it had been made. But the cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfection, miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After the second year of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, the unhappy pot spoke to the water-bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you" the pot said. "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" " I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work and you don’t get full value from your efforts," the pot said. The water-bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said. "As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the cracked pot took notice of the beautiful wildflowers on the side of the path, bright in the sun’s glow, and the sight cheered it up a bit. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad that it had leaked out half of its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure. The bearer said to the pot "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, not on the other pot’s side? I have always known about your flaw, and I have taken advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day, as we have walked back from the stream, you have watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have had this beauty to grace his house."

Every contribution, no matter how small, is counted for the master’s good.

Sometimes I feel like the cracked pot (or a crack pot!) I look at the sins in my life and I wonder why is it taking so long? I know God saved me and is in the process of transforming me but why is it taking so long? Why do I still see these cracks in my character and personality? Wouldn't it have been easier if the work of sanctification was completed at the time of conversion? Then I can truly live as one who has been redeemed by God, with the redeemed people of God to show forth God's redemption in creation. Instead now I see how I am so predisposed to sin that I cannot trust myself, not even for one moment. While I long to love and serve others in the body of Christ and the community at large, sin trips me up and relationships are strained, if not kept at a distance. I dare not show people who I really am, and am not sure I can take it, if people showed me who they really were. Longing to be with God and draw close to Him, my sins condemn me and often leads me to hide from Him. O wretched soul I am.

I am weak but Thou art strong. Be my strength in my every weakness. I pray You will work something beautiful out of my brokenness.

I am the Lord's Servant

2006-08-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I was approached by my pastor to lead the multimedia team in my church. I've been helping out a couple of times the last few months, but I really did not see this coming. I had no plans to get involved in leadership in church here except to be an active member. I have my commitments in Regent and also helping out at the International Alpha. I felt this was quite enough on top of working, studies and still trying to have a life. I told myself (and God) if I accepted this, I wanted to know it's because I wanted it (or it's His will) and not because I didn't know how to say 'No'.

Multimedia is a ministry that I have always enjoyed doing. I was involved in this ministry for main worship service in my church. This was the ministry that I was involved in when I first started serving. Those days we used OHP and I grew with the ministry as the technology advanced. I was coordinating operators for the morning service in church even as a youth (late teens to early 20s). The highest point of my time in this ministry was to oversee the multimedia operations for one of the evenings of a nationwide Christian gathering in Stadium Merdeka. This is a national football stadium with a capacity of 50,000. I don't think I ever told anyone this but in the words of the Eric Lidell, the Olympics runner featured in 'Chariots of Fire', I'd say 'I know I've been called to other things like perhaps pastoring, but when I do multimedia, I feel his pleasure'. It's as simple as that.

However when this opportunity was presented to me, I hesitated. In fact everything within me wanted to turn it down because I felt I didn't need the hassle of coordinating other operators and certainly don't need more on my already very full plate. In a sense I was also a little disappointed. For some weeks prior to the email I received from my pastor, I've been visiting other churches and haven't been attending my own church. There was a little uneasiness within me about church, finding the community a little cold and difficult to integrate into. The friends that used to join me to worship here have all left and gone home for good. So I figured it was a good time to reconsider if I really should stay. The reason I chose this church in the first place is because this was a place I met with God each time I went. I enjoy the worship and preaching. The pastors are a great bunch!

My hesitation is also personal as I was afraid of taking up leadership. It's not like I can't do leadership because I know I can, and even am naturally inclined to it. Yet I'm afraid. I didn't like the 'pedestal' that people put you on when you become a leader. You become a target for unwarranted and unsolicited criticism. People feel they have a right, even an obligation, to give you a piece of their mind about everything and anything about your life simply because you're a leader. I also felt that leaders are assumed to be spiritual and doing well spiritually, which is another false expectation I felt was impossible to live by. This is extremely hazardous for the soul because I know if I'm not careful, I can easily buy into this image of spirituality which really has no basis. I can be walking in sin and living a double life behind the title and 'robe' and still people want to think, and assume, I'm doing ok. It's not real. I'm tired of the charades or letting people down when I tell them I'm hopelessly sinful!

Then I went to church the following day, after my pastor's invitation to take up this responsiblity. God hit me with the message on leadership from Nehemiah! Baam! I couldn't have missed it. I felt challenged to make a difference by accepting this responsiblity, and leading with a different attitude and spirit. Then the pastor who was speaking made a comment at the end about how being a leader is like wearing a target board, and people like to use us for target practice! I knew God had spoken but I was still stubborn. The reluctance to accept more responsiblity is overwhelming and I could not overcome it. So I prayed and asked God to confirm what he wanted me to do. If he wanted me to accept it, then he had to change my heart about it.

The night before last Sunday service, I was praying hard because I knew I had to give a reply to my pastor soon. I struggled and admitted to God that I was afraid of making mistakes. I saw many of the mistakes I've made in the past and I did not want to stumble others or put his name to shame. I asked him to forgive me for the times when I've ministered, many times, out of my own strength. Sometimes he is so gentle and have been my silent partner, that I even imagined that I've been doing the work on my own. At times it felt like everything was so well planned, it did not really matter if God turned up for the service... things will run status quo, with or without him. Since I've been involved in this ministry previously, I was afraid that I would depend on my strength and experience, instead of him as I should. So I prayed that God will help me hear him clearly if He'd speak to me again to confirm this matter. I was half doubting I'd hear him, wondering if I'd make things up in my mind and assume it was God. I asked him to speak in such a way that my mind cannot pose any doubts that He has spoken. It's almost like I'm testing God.

The following Sunday, I went to church and during the worship, the Lord reminded me powerfully that he has forgiven me of all my sins and has removed my transgressions from me as far as the east is from the west. Then, lo and behold, the pastor was speaking about how each of us should take up our position and do our part in the kingdom of God - still part of the Nehemiah series. A much needed reminder. The pastor then issued a challenge for us to respond to God and be open for him to use us as he wants to. I stepped forward for prayer and the senior pastor prayed for me. One thing I was grateful for was he reminded me that when I accept God's invitation to serve, it is a partnership with God. He calls me to participate with him in the work that HE is already doing. He does not want me to run ahead of him in my own strength, as I know I'm always tempted to do because I'm basically a very driven person, but to keep step with him. Then my senior pastor very gently but firmly assured me that if I were to accept any responsiblity in this church, I can always tell them if I need to take a break or I'm reaching the limit in terms of the load I'm able to handle.

It was very encouraging for me to see how God come to me at my level to meet me in such a gentle and loving way. He could easily have rebuked me since I should know better and simply issued a command because He is sovereign. He is perfectly entitled to do so but he chose to reveal his will in this humble manner. Condescending to my requests for confirmation, he even made sure I heard him loud and clear. He softened my heart with his compassion and again I'm reminded that it is his goodness that leads us to repentance (Rom 2:4). I am grateful he knows my fears and understands that in the depth of my heart I do want to serve him but want to do so out of a pure heart and in response to his call. For someone who has no qualms of taking on new challenges and responsiblities, this is quite a change. Since this is a ministry is one I've been involved previously, my usual self would not consider this ministry much of a challenge, and would have taken it up in no time. But it would have been based on my own strength, experience and simply the fact that I know this is a ministry I enjoy doing and that he delights in the worship I offer in the form of this service. Yet the unwillingness to simply assume responsiblity and even to feel the need to depend on God, is a new development for me. I see this as a positive development and a sign of God's hand at work in my life.

Finally, later that Sunday, my pastor who is in charge of multimedia, encouraged me with an amazing piece of news. The LCD projector that we've been using have been giving a lot of trouble and it costs as much to repair as it would to replace it. The church leadership have twice appealed to the members to pray and consider giving towards this need. After yesterday's sermon, a young man felt convicted and told the pastor he would bear the whole cost of replacing the projector! He is just a teenage student and his heart is simply passionate for God which can be seen in his willingness to give sacrificially. I know God will honour him and bless him much in return. But this has really challenged me to consider if I'm willing to serve sacrificially to build up the house of God.

Grace Flows Down

2006-08-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
Amazing Love
Now flowing down
From hands and feet
That were nailed to the tree
As Grace flows down and covers me

Chorus
It covers me
It covers me
It covers me
And covers me

'Grace Flows Down' performed by Christy Nockles
Words Louie Giglio & David Bell
Album: Passion - One Day Live (2000)

He gives and takes away

2006-08-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been asked many times by Christians why God allows bad things to happen to good people. I can sense their struggle as they try to reconcile why God does not heal or deliver those who love Him. Is there an answer, a good answer? Sometimes we find it hard to discern any purpose for the pain. We can accept when He gives, can we not accept when He takes away? He calls us to trust Him when we don't understand what He is up to. Trust He is in control and knows what He is doing. Trust He is with us as we go through the storm. Trust He will not let us go. Trust that He is good and He loves us, even when the circumstances do not seem to confirm that.

Perhaps there is just no good answer on this side of heaven. I don't know if the answers would still matter when we get to the other side.

Read the amazing story behind the song 'Praise You in This Storm' by Casting Crowns here.
Link to the lyrics of the song.

He is

2006-08-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

In Genesis, He's the breath of Life
In Exodus, the passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our high priest
Numbers, the fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Moses' voice
In Joshua, He is salvation's choice
Judges, Law giver
In Ruth, the kinsman redeemer
First and Second Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles, He's sovereign
Ezra, true and faithful scribe
Nehemiah, He's the rebuilder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms, He is our morning song
In Proverbs, wisdom's cry
Ecclesiastes, the time and season
In the Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
He is, He is, He is

In Isaiah, He's Prince of Peace
Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
In Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, He's the call from sin
In Daniel, the stranger in the fire
In Hosea, He is forever faithful
In Joel, He's the Spirits power
In Amos, the arms that carry us
In Obadiah, He's the Lord our Savior
In Jonah, He's the great missionary
In Micah, the promise of peace
In Nahum, He is our strength and our shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's pleading for revival
In Haggai, He restores a lost heritage
In Zechariah, our fountain
In Malachi, He is the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
He is, He is, He is

In Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, He is God, Man, Messiah
In the book of Acts, He is fire from heaven
In Romans, He's the grace of God
In Corinthians, the power of love
In Galatians, He is freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servants heart
In Colossians, He's the Godhead trinity
Thessalonians, our coming King
In Timothy, Titus, Philemon He's our mediator and our faithful Pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting covenant
In James, the one who heals the sick.
In First and Second Peter, he is our Shepherd
In John and in Jude, He is the lover coming for His bride
In the Revelation, He is King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
He is, He is, He is

The prince of peace
The Son of man
The Lamb of God
The great I am
He's the alpha and omega
Our God and our Savior
He is Jesus Christ Lord and when time is no more
He is, He is

Words by Jeoffrey Benward & Jeff Silvey
(c)1994 Star Song

Exciting developments in Regent

2006-08-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

We're in the midst of building an extension to our very small campus (yes, many are surprised that a college of this reputation only have 3 classrooms!!) The construction is at its height this season since we have this precious one month in between Summer term that just finished and the Fall which will begin officially in mid-Sept.

One very exciting part of this construction is the True North Tower, which has already received some media attention in Canada. It is called "True North" because the point of the tower will line up perfectly with the North Star, a star that for centuries has been a guide to shepherds and travelers alike through their life journeys. Embedded in the tower’s window is an array of solar cells, thin silicon and metal squares that convert light into electricity - they will illuminate the tower literally and spiritually. The panes will feature an Aramaic version of the Lord's Prayer etched into the glass. These will collect enough energy to light up the wind tower’s beautifully coloured LED lighting system designed by the artist, Sarah Halls. "They weigh an absolute ton because they're thermal panes," she said. "They're also safety glass -- they meet every code you can possibly imagine. They're basically kind of vandal proof." As one approaches the tower from a distance, the impression you get is that of looking at a waterfall.

Read more about it here.
Media Coverage.

Right place at the right time

2006-07-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

During the World Cup Finals, I went down to Commercial Drive, located on the east side of Vancouver. It's an interesting part of town with a high percentage of international residents, especially from Europe. Comparatively, the rest of Vancouver seemed so mild throughout the season, it was pretty sad. On that day, all the cafes were packed to the brim and it was impossible to even get in! My friend and I watched the match from the window of Cafe Roma in 'Little Italy' for the first half of the game. It was torturous. During half time, a lot of people came out of the sardine-packed cafe and we got our spot inside under the screen. So we practically stood for the whole 2.5 hours to watch that match. After each goal of the penalty kicks, beer and water were showering from every direction. The atmosphere was exhilirating. After the game, there was a huge street party celebrating the win, that lasted for a few hours. People were dancing on the street, cars flying flags kept sounding their horns to each other. It was so cool as the police closed the section of the roads for pedestrians. Lots of people came to watch, not so much the game, but just the party and to take photos! I can't think of a better way to watch the Finals - and obviously I was cheering for Italia! This is my only consolation - that France didn't win. It didn't seem right to be watching World Cup finals after both England and Brazil lost ... on the same day!

Then last Sunday, I decided to visit a church called St John's Shaughnessy. It's a church that I've been meaning to visit since I know quite a few college mates and faculty and staff of Regent attend that church. I visited the website and noticed Dr J. I. Packer was preaching, which gave me added motivation to visit. After the service, the church extended an invitation for all to adjourn for a birthday celebration, celebrating Dr Packer's 80th birthday. It was cool to share this moment with this giant in the evangelical circle and founder of the college I'm in.

Later in the evening, my friends and I went out to Deer Lake Park in Burnaby. I had found out on Friday evening, by chance, that the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra was giving a free concert that evening. So we packed our picnic dinner, brought our mats and sat on the grounds with a few thousand others to enjoy the lovely repoirtoire on a lovely summer evening. Now that's life in Vancouver ... being in the right place at the right time.

Click here to see more pics from this summer.

What have I been up to?

2006-07-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

Well, for starters, probably too much. I took a course on Foundations of Christian Spirituality with Dr Chris Hall. It was a fantastic course. I love the readings... from John Chrysostom, Julian of Norwich, Bernard of Clairvaux, John Owen to Mother Theresa. If you have a chance you should watch the biographical video on her life, entitled 'Mother Theresa'. It's a very a powerful and moving, and very inspiring video. Recommend that you read her book entitled 'Total Surrender' before watching it.

I've enjoyed lots of great lectures, chapel sessions everyday during Summer School, etc. It is amazing. I know I'm being spoiled and it's pretty surreal, so am trying to soak in as much as I can. My housemate thinks I'm a lecture-addict. But it is understandable considering how much it costs per credit to hear them lecture in class! So the best is to attend the free evening lectures and other ad hoc eventslectures they give. Anyways, there's lots to learn, digest and process. Being a TA for the class on Esther is eye-opening, to better appreciate how the book has been so well-crafted to tell the story with all its dramatic effects. Learning to see that while God does perform wonderous works that shouts His glory, He often works quietly in the most mysterious ways which I may be tempted to give credit to everything else but Him. I know I've lamented before that sometimes God feel so distant and that life around me seems to go on with or without Him. Yet in what appears to be a series of coincidences and silent interventions (silent being the emphasis since there's no mention of God in the entire book; some even wonder if the book should be in the canon at all!), God keeps His covenant and preserves His people from an empire-wide genocide. Does that explain what happens in the Holocaust and etc? No. But nevertheless I am learning not to assume He is not at work just because I don't perceive it with my senses or worse still, when my senses imagine He is doing otherwise!

Tonight I attended a lecture that reminded me of the divinity claim of Christ and its implications. I am grateful to be reminded that as a Christian, the central message of the gospel that makes the Christian faith distinct from any other, is our claim that Christ is God. It makes all the difference. It should. In the midst of all the many things that calls for my attention, I lose sight of this very crucial truth and even allow other more trivial things to distract, and even discourage, me. I know I have a tendency to be pessimistic and disillusioned sometimes (my friend says she feels that way about once a month!) and this is usually because my mind is focused on the wrong thing. I have to constantly battle these bouts of hopelessness and sense of despair, and fight to keep the faith. I admit it can be quite hard going at times - this may sound out of place coming from a someone who's pursuing theological studies and experiencing God's abundant and amazing provision. I don't think I'm alone in feeling like this but I do feel quite alone. Something within me is inviting me to camp at the foot of the cross for this season. To focus on Christ and what He's accomplished on the cross. May I find a renewed sense of joy, hope, being deeply grounded in His love and abundant grace. That's my prayer. And in the meantime, may He grant me patience and persistence (lots of it) until I see Him face to face.

Lord, have mercy.

Before you complain

2006-06-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't wrote for a long time. With Spring and Summer break, I find myself more busy than ever and loving every moment of it. Trip to Banff to see the Rockies, first ever kayaking trip in Bowen Island, BBQ in the park ... plus taking 3 courses as well as a couple of ad hoc jobs. Of course, not forgetting it's World Cup Season!! Germany 2006 has started and I can't get enough of it. The best part is I have friends from so many of these countries but it makes things pretty hard when you see their respective countries playing against each other. Like when Australia beat Japan in that amazing match, I felt the pain for my Japanese friend but could not help cheering for the Aussies too! But I'm not complaining ... this little article is a great reminder thankfulness and gratitude are keys to the secret of contentment.

Today before you think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat

Before you complain of not having enough
Think of someone who's begging on the street

Before you complaint of being ugly
Think of someone who's actually in the worst of states of life

Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion

Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven

Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet

And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and We all answer to one maker

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around

Life is a gift
Live it...
Enjoy it...
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.

And while you are at it give love to someone today
Love someone with what you do and the words you say

Love is not meant to be kept locked inside of us and hidden
So give it away
Give Love to someone today!!

You don't love someone because they're beautiful.
They're beautiful because you love them.

It's true you don't know what you've got until its gone, but its also true
You don't know what you've been missing until it arrives!!!

Spring & Summer Terms

2006-05-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged for the longest time. Did not even use the computer much since my final exams were over. Since I was not stuck at my desk studying, I have not been keeping up with my blog. I know it's weird but when you see a lot of blog entries, that's a sign that the exams are approaching! My means of release and 'distraction'. Much has happened since my last entry. I thank God for His faithfulness in seeing me through a very hectic term last term. Too 3 courses of total 9 credits and average of 12-hour week is quite a full plate. On top of that, managed to keep up my involvement in Alpha on Friday nights, church and swimming routine. Managed to stick in 3 musicals since a lot of good performances are put up nearing the Easter season. Managed to keep up my grades so far, with a little sacrifice of sleep. All in all, it was a fruitful term by the grace of God.

Visited the Canadian Rockies, at Banff with a few friends. I love the sight of the mountains. They are majestic, awe inspiring and simply breath-takingly beautiful. It was a 900km drive and I went with some friends from College. The drive was not easy on the little ones but generally we all made it alright, despite the distance. It was beautiful and scenic drive, and we broke the journey for a night on the way there. I love the quaint little towns that we visited and stayed in. It was good just to take time off from reading, studying and internet connections. Hikes, walks, visit to the Columbian Icefields, the historical Banff HotSpring hotel, taking lots of pictures and not forgetting, eating. Some parts of the beautiful lakes and waterfalls were still frozen cause it was still Spring. Then again each season has its own beauty. We managed to keep within our budget even though we took a number of meals outside that was not factored into the budget. I enjoyed the opportunity to drive a 7-seater Dodge-Caravan for some of the journey. No joke considering I can't see all the way to the front, my side or the back and vehicles here are not installed with reverse signals! It was great fun familiarising with driving on the wrong side of the road and trying to remember not to use my Malaysian driving skills thereby giving my co-pilot and passengers a scare.

This week's been pretty busy as I had the opportunity of serving those who attended the Pastors' Conference. The sessions were superb and felt really blessed by the messages. The Lord really moved among the participants and my heart was thrilled to see these ministers being refreshed and ministered to during worship, the messages and also the Communion and commissioning service at the end. Truly the Lord is so good. Most of the speakers had pastoral experience and even practised as a psychologist, but more importantly they all had gone through many painful experiences. They range from wayward son who turned to drugs, infertility that led to an adoption of 4 children from different races, and another who after choosing to adopt a daughter only to find that she would be permanently disable from birth. We were blessed by their honest sharing from their own journey. It gave us a glimpse of how the Lord brought them through their painful experiences and continues to sustain them in them. It was a soul-searching time for all and I'm glad the conference timetable was quite relaxed, giving the participants enough time to rest and reflect on what's being shared. Darrell Johnson was the Conference Pastor and took one evening session to help these pastors attend to their prayer life. It's basic and vital lifeline to keep our walk with God and ministry fresh and alive.

One important highlight is I got a scholarship for another year of studies. It is not a full scholarship but will cover major portion of my tuition. This is such a tremendous blessing. I've been praying, thinking but trying not to be anxious about it. God came through and I can only whisper my humble and grateful thanks. I am taking 3 courses this Spring and Summer term although the scholarship does not cover for this. But with the annual rising tuition, I hope to do as much as I can, as fast as I can. I am grateful to the Lord for the part-time job He has provided me which I will continue to work. I love the job and as Spring School starts next week, I'll be able to see all the preparation work my department has been doing slowly being executed. It's pretty exciting. I also have 2 short-term part-time jobs this Summer, which is to assist Dr Karen Jobes who will be lecturing 2 weeks on Esther, and the other is to coordinate the one day Prayer Retreat led by Dr Christopher Hall. Since there is only one Prayer Retreat this year, I expect the turn out will be quite good. Then in mid-August, I will have another job to help to organise the Orientation for incoming international students. That should be fun but that means I must be really disciplined and try to cover all my base with all that I am seeking to do and still want to play and do sight seeing! I am hoping to catch the Jazz Fest, Folk Festival, Dragon Boat competition, visit Bruchard Gardens in Victoria Island, etc.

Yet there are painful and sad news in the midst of all these praise reports. This is a season of goodbyes for me as many of my closest buddies will be returning home. God has provided them at a crucial time of my stay here and almost as if just to see me through this season, because they will be returning home although had initally planned to stay longer when they came. Another piece of sad news, came from a friend who had returned to Singapore with her family (she is married) for a visit, only to be told that her father was to be admitted for a major operation upon her arrival. What a shock but the family had chose to keep it from her until she reached home. Then this week, a fellow volunteer a death at the Skytrain (equaivalent to the MRT in Malaysia) station. He was on the way home in the evening and suddenly a man loomed in front of an oncoming train. He witnessed the entire ordeal although he could not tell what the man looked like or whether he was pushed, fell or jumped into the track. This is such a traumatic incident to witness even though it was a complete stranger. Thus the landscapes of our lives are full of highs and lows weaved together at any one time.

Mark this date

2006-04-18T19:37:00.000-07:00

Did you know that ... next month on Thursday 4th May, 2006, at two minutes and three seconds after 1-o'clock the time and date will be exactly: 01:02:03 04/05/06.

This will never happen again.

P/s: This took place on April 5th in North America because they write the date as mm/dd/yy.

Kissing Nonsense Goodbye

2006-04-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

I've been giving thought to the issue of dating as I have the joy of watching new friendships develop among my friends. Here in North America, dating is very much part of the culture and it's quite a different concept. I'm trying to learn more about it ... before I open my mouth to speak to my young Canadian friends or offer counsel on this matter. This article has given me much food for thought. Since I am a faithful advocate of Joshua Harris' book 'Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship', it is interesting for me to read this critic and this author's take on the coursthip-dating debate.

Kissing Nonsense Goodbye
Is God's way "courtship" or "dating"? A slew of recent books try to provide the answer, but they're asking the wrong question.

Well, I kissed dating goodbye. But it sure wasn't by choice. For the last four years, I have lived in a very conservative Midwestern town of 35,000. Jefferson City, Missouri, is a place where it's harder for a college-educated, twentysomething, professional, Christian man to find a date than it is to find a good coffeehouse or bookstore. And Starbucks and Barnes & Noble are nowhere near this town, if that tells you anything.

Joshua Harris hasn't made my life any easier. In fact, thanks to him, my future wife—wherever she is— may very well have given up the idea of ever dating. Harris's surprise 1997 bestseller, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (penned when he was only 21), has caught the attention of hordes of young women of my generation—particularly those who are evangelical Christians.

In his book, Harris encourages young Christians to look beyond our Western culture's dominant paradigm for developing serial intimate relationships (namely, the process of "dating") and instead commit to "purposeful singleness." Romantic relationships, he suggests, should exist only as a means to preparing for marriage—what's commonly called "courting." Harris avoids that quaint-sounding term in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but the idea is implicit in his promotion of relationships that emphasize long-term commitment and the supervision of the community of believers over and against traditional dating, which he feels emphasizes self-centered emotional and physical satisfaction.

Harris's book struck a chord with an entire generation of young believers. The book far exceeded the sales expectations of Multnomah, its publisher, and has spawned an entire genre of works on how to do relationships in a "Christian way." Recent titles include Dating and Waiting (Kregel, 2000) by William Risk, Boundaries in Dating (Zondervan, 2000) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and I Gave Dating a Chance (WaterBrook, 2000), Jeramy Clark's almost-as-popular response to Harris.

Though the semantics often differ (Harris's "principled romance" isn't all that different from Clark's acceptable kind of "dating"—they're both basically dating with specific boundaries), the message of the books is generally the same. To wit: in a culture that seems increasingly disinclined toward the self-sacrificing attitudes that encourage healthy relationships, those who seek to follow Jesus through their relationships need to establish unique rules for ensuring that those relationships do indeed honor God.

This is obviously a need. Even some academics at secular institutions realize this. University of Chicago professors Amy and Leon Kass recently edited a large volume titled Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar: Readings on Courting and Marrying (University of Notre Dame Press, 2000); the title is taken from the closing line of a poem Robert Frost composed for his daughter on her wedding day. The readings, which range in origin from Genesis to Darwin, bring into focus a time when courting—of a rather different sort than Harris describes—was the norm for most in the Western world.

There's a reason why these books are generating such a response. In its popular iterations in our culture, dating can often become manipulative, confusing, and even abusive—not to mention downright frustrating.

For instance, I have one roommate who is legendary among the other three of us in the house for being a "Christian Casanova." Somehow, he manages to scrounge up dates almost weekly in a town that I thought was bereft of possibilities. He sees these dates almost as job interviews. If the first date works out and the woman maintains his interest, then great; he'll ask her out again. If he sees no romantic possibilities, then that's great as well; he'll remain her friend.

But more than a few of these women are confused by his ongoing friendship, and some of them have misinterpreted it, only to be sorely disappointed later when he has to give them the dreaded "I only want to be friends" talk. Although both parties involved are committed Christians, and although my roommate means no harm, some of these women end up feeling hurt and used after their hopes for a long-term relationship are dashed. After all, they thought they were dating.

Perhaps the ambiguity and angst that the prevailing model of dating can create point to the true problem with mere dating. One of the most striking things in the Kasses' book is that, under the old models of courtship, there was little ambiguity about the nature of the relationship. People who courted were doing so because they wanted to be married. Under courtship systems, there was never any agonizing about when to have that other most dreaded of dating talks—the "define the relationship" (or DTR) conversation—because that's how you began the courtship in the first place. If the relationship wasn't defined as "likely leading to marriage," then you wouldn't court. All those misunderstandings and hurt feelings were minimized by having them at the beginning.

However, the strictures placed on courting couples under these systems gave them little privacy to be open with each other. For this reason (and other more banal reasons, like changing sociological and economic models in the u.s. after the turn of the 20th century), this kind of courtship gave way to dating.

Harris and the other authors in this genre aren't doing away with dating—they just want Christians to date with more discretion and accountability than is common in the wider culture.

"It's Not Good for Man to Be Alone"
In 1998, however, Don Raunikar took Harris's idea to the next level. In Choosing God's Best (Multnomah), the Houston psychoanalyst seized upon the concept of courting and did to it what we evangelicals seem to long for these days: he made it formulaic.

In fact, Raunikar's philosophy in Choosing God's Best could be summed up as "courtship good, dating bad." And that's not an oversimplification. Consider these statements from the book: "Dating has a self-centered focus" and "Dating quickly leads to emotional and physical involvement without development of a deep, lasting friendship." Both of these statements may certainly be true, but too much hyperbole can be a dangerous thing. My parents dated before they got married, and they're still together. Don't their 30-plus years of marriage indicate that they managed to develop a "deep, lasting friendship"? Good thing that my mom didn't get a copy of Choosing God's Best from one of her sorority sisters in 1967 before she started dating my dad. Otherwise, my dad's prospects might have been as bad as mine are now.

Raunikar also tends to use God as the justification for his views, as if it is God who hates dating and blesses courting. Consider this observation from Choosing God's Best: "Although the Bible never mentions the words 'dating' or 'courtship,' it does give principles and guidelines for one-to-one, male/female relationships. The Bible says that after God created goodness all around, He looked at man and said, 'It is not good for man to be alone' (Genesis 2:18)."

No offense intended, but if Genesis 2:18 is the only biblical proof you can muster to explain why dating is evil and courtship is God-ordained, then your argument is fragile. After all, the courtship-versus-dating debate is simply a disagreement about how to get to the goal of linking two people in a covenant relationship with each other and God. There is nothing inherent in either convention that is either biblical or antibiblical. In fact, if I were relying strictly on the models of relationship-building I see in Scripture, I wouldn't be courting either. I would either be waiting for God to create a wife for me out of my rib or expecting my parents to select for me a comely bride from among the other families in our subdivision. The realities of modern life no longer permit us to choose our spouses this way.

I don't mean to dismiss the work of those who think that their ideas of courtship are an improvement on the culturally prevalent dating models. In fact, there are some people who have been so hurt in dating relationships that they may need Raunikar's rules to begin healing—not to mention the hundreds who say they've been helped by Harris's books or other works in the genre.

Harris, in his new book Boy Meets Girl (the story of the author's courtship and marriage in the wake of I Kissed Dating Goodbye), acknowledges that there are no hard and fast scriptural rules regarding dating—only general principles. And, happily, he gives a Christocentric reason (as opposed to appealing to decontextualized Pauline pronouncements or shadowy Old Testament references) for his philosophy: "Though our Lord never specifically addressed the topic of dating and courtship in his earthly ministry, He answered our questions about the right way to do relationships by answering the broader question of the right way to live life."

The Unspoken Problem
Nevertheless, for all of their merits, these works fail to address a much more basic issue related to the problem of dating and singleness: Why is it a problem?

As my friend Al Hsu notes in his excellent 1997 book, Singles at the Crossroads (IVP):

The average Christian bookstore has more than a hundred titles on marriage and another hundred about parenting, children, and family issues. In contrast, these stores stock only about a dozen books about singleness. Half of these are geared for "single-again" divorcees or widows. Of the remainder, most are about "how to find the right one." … Instead of dealing with problems that singles might face, these books seem to think singleness is the problem. They instruct the reader on how to bide one's time until the right person comes along. In other words, they imply that the solution to the problem of singleness is to get married.

Hsu goes on to argue convincingly that American evangelicals have all but made an idol out of the human concepts of marriage and family, thus marginalizing single Christians, who are just as complete in Christ as any married person.

The courtship books, it seems, don't begin with this premise. For instance, by stating in Choosing God's Best that "God's solution for man's aloneness is marriage, not dating," Raunikar implicitly labels singleness as something in need of a solution—in other words, a problem.

But these days it seems marriage may well be more of a problem than singleness. I have lost count of the number of friends and acquaintances near my age who either have already gone through a divorce or are in the midst of one. And the vast majority of them are committed believers who come from solidly evangelical congregations where divorce is not taken lightly.

This widespread reality doesn't jibe with the promarriage rhetoric I heard growing up in the youth group of a Southern Baptist megachurch. We were told constantly that "God has that special someone out there for you" and that "you should be preparing yourself for that person even now." My youth minister never said anything about how difficult marriage might be after we found that special someone. I can't blame him; he was too busy making sure that we would defer sex until marriage to tell us much about what came afterward.

Critics in non-Christian contexts have noted this aspect of the problem. Reflecting on the Kasses' book in The Atlantic Monthly, Peter Berkowitz articulates one of the things that has always troubled me about most Christian advice on marriage and dating: "If our anti-romantic tendencies persuade us to expect too little from marriage, our romantic tendencies seduce us into expecting too much."

In some ways, overemphasizing (and thus over-romanticizing) marriage may have created more problems among evangelicals than it has solved. Marriage is not always the solution, and singleness is not always a problem. In fact, singleness actually may be preferable to marriage in some cases. Just ask the apostle Paul.

Whatever the case, single believers should not fall prey to the world's trap of entering into dating relationships lightly or without accountability. By the same token, nobody and no book should elevate culturally bound ideas about courtship, marriage, or family over the family of God.

Rob Marus is the director of Mainstream Missouri Baptists in Jefferson City, where he serves as a coteacher of the Twentysomething Singles at First Baptist Church.

First Saturday night

2006-04-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

What was the first Saturday night like?

Hopeless. Overwhelmed with grief. Emptiness. The pain of knowing that they will never see Him again, the one they have loved and followed the past 3 years. Guilty, for abandoning him when he really needed me. Ashamed. Maybe if I spoke up, he would not have died. Crushed dreams. Abandoned. Betrayed. Lost. Despair. Tears. Memories of the good times... his smile, his kindness to those who were usually ignored and outcast, his words and his look. His eyes would bore through me and felt like he saw right through me. He knew my every thought and deepest motives, yet there was no condemnation. They really hurt him. I could see his body writhe with pain. He didn't deserve to die, and definitely not like that. It's not fair!

Questions and more questions. Is this it? Was the past 3 years in vain and just a dream? Did he know this would happen? Why didn't he stop them? Why did he have to die and leave us all? Didn't he say he was the Messiah? Was that all a hoax, a lie, or perhaps a failed mission? But what about all the miracles? Where is Judas? What do we do now? Should I go back to my father's house and admit that I've been a fool? Peter goes fishing.

Silence.

Dead silence.

Sounds familiar?

A Future Not Our Own

2006-04-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

“A Future Not Our Own” by Archbishop Oscar Romero

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work. Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us. No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection. No pastoral visit brings wholeness. No program accomplishes the church's mission. No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about: We plant seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities. We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for God's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

In 1980, in the midst of a U.S. funded war the UN Truth Commission called genocidal, the soon-to-be-assassinated Archbishop Oscar Romero promised history that life, not death, would have the last word. "I do not believe in death without resurrection," he said. "If they kill me, I will be resurrected in the Salvadoran people."

Read more about Oscar Romero here.

Share in His Suffering

2006-04-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

I always imagined that I need to be perfect in order for me to minister effectively. I look at my own hang-ups, issues that still need to be worked on, doubts that I battle and wonder if I'm any good for anything. Often chide myself that I should work on my own issues before I try to be hero and seek to help others with theirs. If I can't myself, the logic goes, who do I think I am to 'help' others? Yet as I come to the foot of the cross, I hear the mockery hurled at him, 'He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One"; "If you are the kinf og the Jews, save yourself"; "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!""So, You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!"; and"He saved others, but he can't save himself! Let this Christ, this King of Israel come down from the cross that we may see and believe." I realised that the way Christ came to save us is through brokenness, pain, shame, weakness, helplessness, and vulnerability. He did not assume power, the Prince of Peace did not take up the authority that is due to Him but chose to lay it down, so that I can be healed, redeemed and be a channel for His healing to flow in and through me to others who are broken like me.

I am learning not to shun my own weakness, despise my brokenness, or assume I need to be complete and whole before I can be used of him. But like Paul, say "We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake.... we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (paraphrase 2 Cor 4:5,7, 10) Since I am His body, I should not be surprised that my life bears the marks of the cross - marks of a body broken and death. My prayer and hope is that I may know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, to become like him in his death, and so, somehow, attain to the resurrection from the dead (Phil 3:10-11). Through this, may His zoe life and healing flow to the nations and He alone be glorified eternally.

Hurts to Love

2006-04-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

Having a heart is a precarious thing. Why does it hurt to love? If you have experienced a heartbreak you know what I mean. Yes, there are joys of love but is the pain worth it? Sometimes the hurt can be so painful that you are paralysed. Incapacitated. It's at this time when you realise how fragile the heart is. Have you ever experience the pain so great that it feels like a physical pain, so sharp that it takes the breath out of you? You can't seem to stop the tears from falling, almost involuntarily. How can any person have so much impact on us? The pain is intense and you wonder if it will ever go away? You pretend you're numb to it and try to move on with your life, but it just won't go away and haunts you every single free minute you have to pause. You're afraid to go home, knowing the pain will only come flooding and practically overwhelm you. You don't want to be with people either because it is too exhausting to keep up with the social obligations and takes too much to maintain a happy countenance. You assure concerned friends that you're ok, getting over it and will be fine in no time, punctuating with a big smile. You go on living, not knowing how long you have the strength to go on this 'existing' mode. You think of the shattered bits of your heart and wonder 'why didn't I protect myself'? Is Love worth all these pain?

One of our lecturers shared at the last chapel for the semester on this Holy Week. He told us of his experience watching his wife deliver his first child. When he raced her to the hospital, he was not prepared for the experience of watching the person he loved most on this earth suffer. She had a very long and hard labour which lasted almost 24 hours. The pain was intense and he felt helpless to remove or alleviate the pain. It nearly killed him to watch her tortured by pain as different waves of labour hit her. His heart was crushed and at one point, remember telling himself that no matter what came out of her... nothing can be worth putting her through all that pain!! But when their first daughter arrived, both their hearts were filled with a tremendous sense of unconditional love that poured out to this tiny little piece of life they were holding. They could not understand it since all she's done so far was cause her mother a lot of pain. Both of them knew that instant all his wife had gone through was worth every bit. I cannot identify with the intensity of those feelings but I could sense his love from his tone, body language and voice, as he shared with us. The next day after the delivery, he felt the Lord speak to him, so clearly that it stopped him in his tracks literally. The Lord told him, 'You know the pain you felt watching the one you love suffer is just a fraction of what I had to go through watching the One I loved suffer to bring life to you and the world. I want you to know that I think you're worth it!'

That touched me to the core. Words fail to express what my heart felt when I heard those words, words I know the Father is saying to me. Words I find hard to believe or accept ... that I can be worth all that Christ went through and His ultimately shameful and painful death. And can it be that I should gain an interest in the Saviour's blood; died He for me who caused His pain. I started by talking about the risk of pain that love carries. Although I don't fully understand but pondering on the Cross I realise Love and Pain often go hand in hand. I am glad that He, knowing full well the extend of the pain, did not seek to escape Pain but freely chose to go through it and loved me enough to endure the suffering so that I may live.

Love so amazing, so divine; Demands my soul, my life, my all.

Sweet Surprise

2006-04-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a week. I finally finished writing my History paper. Still need to work on it further to fine tune it but the bulk is done.

I had a good opportunity to watch a couple of performance lately. The first was an Italian opera with 'subtitles' projected on a screen, Marriage of Figaro by Mozart. The cast was made up of 20 odd students, and a professional maestro conducting the accompanying orchestra. Then Handel's Messiah, which was free, performed by 50 UBC students. This was accompanied by an excellent pianist with the timpani and brass parts here and there. It was pretty amazing listening and watching these 50 students belt out praises to God in such a majestic fashion. All these were prelude to the final performance that I attended.

The Vancouver Bach Choir performed Bach's Mass in B Minor at the Orpheum. I was not at all surprised to meet some 20 Regent students there. It was an awesome experience as 160 singers sang praises accompanied by a full orchestra of about 40. Altogether these group of 200 have put in hours and hours of practice to perfect praise unto God! What commitment. I cannot imagine the nightmare it is to arrange the logistics for such a group. It is humbling. Although it was sung in Latin, we had the English translation of the text in the program. I pray the message of the gospel will sink in the hearts of these as they sing. Bach actually wrote these pieces to be performed at Mass in church. How many churches today put in half that effort to perfect our praise and worship? Of course, even Hallelujahs and Amens are masterpieces of music, lasting a whole five minutes or more. Singing the Apostle's creed took half an hour. Nothing is too small or insignificant. It's really amazing and mind-blowing. However that also means there is not much of lyrics in this kind of singing. I've heard people complained that modern choruses these days do not have 'quality' lyrics (as compared to traditional hymns I suppose), and keep on repeating cliché or the same lines.... wait till they listen to these guys!

One interesting incident to share. I went to a cafe to treat myself to a dessert before the musical. I had a place in mind, which had an outlet a few blocks from the theatre. It was raining that evening, and when I got off the bus, I realised there is a branch right next to the theatre, which I had not noticed before! As I was waiting for my order, I was feeling a little guilty, thinking of spending almost $10 on desert and coffee. Anyways, it felt good to chill out and it reminded me of the good times I had hanging out with friends back in KL during weekends. My order came but they got it wrong. They changed it without any fuss. When I got the bill, I was surprised when the waiter told me that they took out the dessert from the bill to apologise for the confusion!! My eyes nearly popped. So I end up paying $3 for dessert and coffee! Don't you think God has a great sense of humour? It made my evening, weekend and brightened up this whole stressful season!

Passion Week

2006-04-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

God never fail to amaze me. I cannot comprehend why He would want to use an imperfect vessel like me - I should know I guess. How else will He get the glory? He's insisted to use me when I feel so lousy, inadequate and unfit for his service. He could always get one more qualified than me. When will I get it into my head that He qualifies us by His appointment, and it's never been, nor ever will be, about my worthi-ness. This is one army where you are drafted based on your disqualification. I look at the heroes in the Bible and sometimes I venerate them and make them out to be such a saint or demi-god. I believe that's why the Bible insists on recording their failures, and some may think this is to its own detriment and embarrassment. These records serve as a reminder throughout history that God is the real Hero of this story. I'm glad the Bible didn't censor these less 'glorifying' moments.

I just finished reading Soul Survivor and the last person featured there was Henri Nouwen. Yancey described the pain and struggles that Nouwen went through even in the midst of his acclaimed fame. He continued to experienced brokenness and strong fear of rejection, while his writing was encouraging many to grow spiritually. He continued to live with these struggles and fought them but never ceased to minister to others in spite of his pain. Someone commented about Nouwen, saying that it was disappointing to trace Nouwen's writings over the span of 10 years, and find that he was the same person, struggling with the same issues, only probably in a different situation. For Nouwen, there was no 'spiritual breakthrough' or dramatic deliverance. In his books, he does not provide a 7-steps to Freedom or 10 ways to cultivate Spirituality, nor a solution for getting out of the rut, but only the daily reliance on the Saviour.

So, yes, while I believe and know that my purpose in life is to live for the glory of God, it does not always feel like I'm living up to that. I constantly fall short and am mindful of my failures. When I focus on the failures, I feel so discouraged and almost prepared to throw in the towel. I tried and almost tired of trying; I am resigned to the fact that I cannot do anything good.... I cannot help but fail, and fail miserably. It is at these times, that I find myself at the Cross. Throwing myself at this 'helpless', vulnerable, weak, fragile God... He took my frailty, my humanity, my sin, failures, weaknesses, hopelessness and bore it all on the Cross on my behalf.

For that I am truly grateful. Thankful to be reminded that he works in me and through me. As I approach Passion Week, I am again brought to my knees as I consider the price He paid to achieve this. He did it so that I can be free from the need to 'achieve' His standards of holiness which are impossible, by my own strength. I know He will continue to use me as long as I am willing to be used by Him. Any fruit or result from such ministry is entirely a work of His grace. Nothing that I can boast about. May He alone be exalted and given all glory due to Him.

Tonight I am humbled again by the opportunity He offers me to particpate in the work He is doing. I am always conscious of my poor command of Mandarin and readily acknowledge that many others are more qualified than me in the Alpha group. However this evening I was called to sit in and to act as the translator, since the more eloquent ones happened not to be around. Me? God sure has a sense of humour. Nevertheless, I am grateful for the lively discussion with lots of input, comments and questions from the group which continued until we had to chase people out of the house. I always had a burden to minister to Chinese nationals but have felt unqualified to do so. It is amazing how He's brought me here and put me in this group, oblivion to my protest of my inadequacy! All He asks of me is to remain available, be faithful where I am and continue to offer up my 5 loaves and 2 fish. He can do as He pleases with what I have to offer Him. My part is to surrender myself to Him, and let Him take care of the rest.

Don't be afraid

2006-04-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Don't be afraid, my love is stronger
My love is stronger than your fear

Don't be afraid, my love is stronger
And I have promised, promised to be always near.

(By John Bell, Iona Community. Copyright © 1995, by GIA Publications, Inc.)

A lump rises up in my throat everytime I sing this. I need to know it deep in my heart... that His love is stronger than my greatest fear and will overcome. And to that, I can only say, Thank you Lord.

What you see is not what you get

2006-04-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm still reading the book Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey. Reading book has been very uplifting for my soul. I needed the encouragement and reminder that faith is not always found in where we are looking, but we catch glimpses of it when we least expect it, sometimes amidst doubts, or disguised in suffering and even in the apparently faithless person. I know this book is far from perfect and Yancey speaks out of a certain agenda, out of his own struggle with the church and cynicism about Christians. In some way I resonate with that and find myself limping along as a fellow pilgrim, looking for hope in spite of my brokenness. My heart is filled with gratitude as I think of the luxury I have to read these books as part of my reading requirement, while my friends who are working and studying in other fields, have to squeeze time to fit in such readings. Besides being an inspiring read, it gives me a series of books I can follow up with and some pretty interesting quotes! (Link to some of them from my latest gleannings from this book.) Also this book has been giving me the same message as the sermon I heard today.

I am reminded today during the worship service that 'What you see is not what you get'. At the end of the sermon we had a time to pause to listen, where I felt the Lord impressed in my heart that I have been trying to look at the Christian faith and the church with my physical eyes. I seek to assess His Word from a physical point of view. Thus I’m often disappointed and disillusioned (these words are illustrative by themselves and this particular one is perfect-fit, and given a totally different understanding!) by what I see and I should not be surprise. I am assessing spiritual things through physical sight… and in fact am blind spiritually. It was a very powerful message as I sat there, so aware of my own blindness and reminded of the Lord's rebuke to the Laodicean church. He opened my eyes to my own blind condition! I can only humble myself before him and ask him for mercy to give me spiritual sight.

Then Ken, one of our worship leaders (featured in one of the pics below), stepped out and shared a very touching story. This morning he went down to the beach before coming to church, where he spotted a little beaver that seemed lost and struggling on the beach. Apparently these little ones get washed out from the river when it rains too much. Their system actually cannot take the salt water and it causes them to be disoriented and lose heat rapidly. Not knowing what to do (or even sure what it was) he called for wildlife rescue. As he waited for them to come out, he noticed that the crows tried to attack it and even dogs came up to it. He was fighting back the tears as he reflected on how the enemy is always looking for the most vulnerable ones in our midst and seek to bring them down. He stayed there, threw rocks at these vultures and waited until the rescue team came, even though he was running late for church (reminded me of the Good Samaritan). It was a powerful reminder that when we see those around us acting up and we don’t understand why they behave the way they do, messing up their life, hurting others, etc that they are simply lost, hurt and disoriented. The enemy is on the prowl, waiting to bring them down. Even if we cannot rescue them from their condition, we can stand with them in their pain and keep the enemy from tearing them into pieces. Hang in there with them until the mercy of God comes to rescue them. The rescue officer did arrive at last, tried to warm up the little thing and put it safely in a cage. May we stand faithful and watch over those that God has placed around us.

Interesting Progress in Regent College

2006-03-31T20:50:00.000-08:00

For those interested, Regent College is currently undergoing construction for a new library. Link to the webcam and follow the progress live!

Interesting People in Regent

2006-03-31T16:10:00.000-08:00

This is one interesting girl who LOVES to walk. One of the students in Regent College and this is one of her recent articles in our student newsletter, also featured in her blog. Yes, a 4-month walk! She's inspired me to consider walking back to Malaysia!

Silence- A Reflection on the Appalachian Trail

Hey there everyone, the following is an article that got published in my school's student newspaper a couple days ago. It is a reflection on my experience of silence while walking the Appalachian Trail about a year and a half ago. I just finished writing a paper on silence and solitude in the works of Thomas Merton so this theme has been running through my head lately.

If you want to read more about my trek, here is the link to my online journal.

A Journey of Silence

"Oh America, how I began to love your country! What miles of silence God has made in you for contemplation! If only people realized what all your mountains are really for."

-Thomas Merton

The spring and summer before I came to Regent I went for a walk. Actually quite a long, 2400 km, 4-month walk through 11 states in the Appalachian Mountains on the East Coast of the USA. I walked alone, through blizzards in Georgia and North Carolina, joyfully through the gentle, restful hills of Virginia, onward to civil war monuments in Maryland and rocks in Pennsylvania, through New Jersey, land of water and life. Onward to the scorching heat of New York, then celebrity spotting in Connecticut and finally to Massachusetts where my journey would come to end.

It was in the silence of the forest that I began to know who I truly was. It was where I knew what I feared, where I understood the compulsions that shape my life and my interactions with people. It is in the silence that I began to know the bitterness and the hurt in my life because of the people from my past who I hadn't thought about in years. It was in walking that I was able to forgive them, to pray for them and to not let this anger consume me. In was in recovering from hypothermia that death became real and that I understood the phrase "to live is Christ and to die is gain." It was in the sickness that would end the hike that I began to see how little I really trusted God and that He was really just an idol I had made in my own image. It was in the silence that I knew how often I spoke empty words, void of any real meaning.

It is in the quiet of the forest that I truly know God. For sometimes I think that it is not in the city, amidst the chaos of study and work and ministry that God is most present with us. Perhaps when I talk less, God talks more.It is in the mountains watching the sun fade over the hill on a still night that I know God's quiet presence.Is it in the fury of a thunder and hail storm atop a mountain ridge that I know something of God's power. It is in the tiredness of a 25 mile day that I know what it means to be weary and burdened and to come to Jesus and find rest.It is upon reaching a gushing spring on a scorching hot day that I know God's abundant provision in my life. It is when the skies turn dark in the middle of the day and the forest is shrouded in blackness that I know the darkness in my own life. It is in interacting with other tired wanderers that I feel most able to be myself. It is in the silent places of life that I am changed.

Sometimes when you are alone for that long you just have nothing left to think about or to occupy your mind with. Maybe God's presence is closest to us in this state. Maybe that's what prayer is all about, to be emptied of oneself in order that God might fill us, speak to us and occupy the places in our lives that we so desperately want to cling to for ourselves. To move beyond words and the space where we are conscious of our own praying and contemplation is to move within the depth of God's own intimate union within the trinity. For just as Christ emptied Himself and became nothing upon the cross, so too are we called to empty ourselves. Without solitude, we are not able to be truly present to people and serve them with the humility with which Christ serves us.

And yet at times, it was hard to be confronted with my own humanity, with the presence of God. To realize the depth of my sinfulness and the patterns of sin by which my life was often shaped was disturbing. To know the living God is a scary thing and yet in solitude at least I was confronted with that choice. To be still or to listen to music. To walk alone or to seek out company to fill the loneliness. To embrace emptiness or to fill my mind with idols. To find life in Christ or to seek the pleasures of this world. To trust or to fear. I wish I could say that I chose the former more often than the latter.

So as I sit at my house in Vancouver that I share with 25 other people I wonder about the contradictions in my life. I look out the window at the ocean and mountains of the North Shore and know that I'd rather be there than here. How to live in this world but not be of it? How to know myself and God when the silence seems so fleeting and transitory? How to live in and speak to a culture that so often seems to want to fill the silent places with noise, bury our loneliness with entertainment and hide our true selves at the expense of knowing who we fundamentally are and who God really is?

PGCC

2006-03-25T23:50:00.000-08:00

Some pictures from my church. This is a medium sized church but power-packed. We have enough talents to put up our own annual art show and these are some pics taken at the latest one. This church has enough talents to have probably 5 different worship teams! All of them are very passionate about worship.

Jeff Wong is the Pastor for Worship, Arts and Multimedia. A Malaysian about my age, he now wears a cool, bright red head! And his brother's name is Eugene! Ken Rufelle is my favourite worship leader and Michael Root is one mean drummer. Even Tom Sopwith (from UK), our Youth Pastor, and Tim Horman, Pastor in the UTown branch located on UBC campus, can be seen playing the drums, keyboard, guitar and leading worship during Sunday services! Our Assistant Pastor, Greg Laing (not featured here), sometimes assist on the drums!
To see more photos of this event or visit PGCC website.

Choice of Church

2006-03-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

This blog arises out of conversations I've had with different friends recently about choosing a church. One of our tutorial discussion posed the question differently by asking us to consider on what basis do we decide to leave a church. It definitely provoked a very lively discussion. We even have courses here on how to evaluate a church! I've not taken that class but this is a list I hope my friends who are in the midst of deciding this issue will find helpful. It also serves as a reminder to myself.

1. Christ-centered
- This is a litmus test for me. Christ said upon this Rock I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I don't think I can be part of a church that does not confess Christ as Lord, profess His divinity and humanity, or believes in the virgin birth and Christ's death, burial and resurrection.
2. Bible-based
- It is crucial that the church upholds the authority of Scripture and thus tries to honestly live out what the Bible teaches. It is important for me to hear a preacher preaching faithfully according to the Bible. I don't think I'm the sole judge of it, but I am responsible to listen with discernment and test what is being taught.
3. Sound Theology
- Upholds tenets of faith about Trinity, of God, Christ and the Holy Spirit, and Scripture. I may not agree with other parts of their theology but I do believe it must be founded on Scripture, then at least there will be basis for discourse (hopefully) and possibly open to change, if need to.
4. Leadership of the Church
- It's important that I respect the leaders. I appreciate leaders who are dedicated and try to look for leadership who are transparent and accountable. This does not mean perfection nor sinlessness, but to have a teachable spirit. Yet I know I need to learn to respect those that God has placed over me and will be held accountable for my attitude towards them. Nevertheless I don't think, as Christian leaders, we can give ourselves the excuse that how we live our lives has nothing to do with how well we can do our 'job'. Our very 'job' is to do our best to live right before God and men, that others may draw from our lives.
5. Place for personal growth
- Fellowship that encourages growth and accountability is important. I also know that I grow by studying the Word and by serving and getting involved in ministry. Such opportunities are important for me.
I've signed up to help with set-up in Church, that is I go early to brew the coffee and boil the water, so coffee and tea is ready when the people come in. Here we're pretty relaxed and simply bring our beverage along into the sanctuary!
6. Mission emphasis
- Mission is the mandate of every Christian and the church should encourage and facilitate its members to participate in missions.
7. Evangelism and outreach
- We are in the world but not of the world, and the church is not the world. The church is where I am equipped to do the work of the ministry and fulfill the mission God has given me in the world that I live in everyday.
8. Style of worship
- Worship is a very important part of church life but it is also very important for me personally. I need to know myself, and when possible, find a place that helps me to worship wholeheartedly.

I know the above list are basic and I would seek to look for such a church when I have the opportunity choose. These are some of the elements that have led me to worship where I am. Perhaps these elements are common in the available choices, then how does one choose? The secondary elements are many and far from exhaustive:
- Close to where I live
I guess I am very practical. Here in Vancouver I rely on public transport and buses are a lot less frequent and start to run later on weekends. If I miss a bus, the next one can take from 1/2 hour to an hour, I will most probably miss a good part of the service. If I'm not careful this can be a source of discouragement especially in winter when it is wet and cold and it takes a lot of effort to get to church. Also I know this consideration will affect how much I will be involved in church during the week and etc.
- Affliations to the members: family members, friends, etc
I suppose this can work both ways but generally my life here evolve around College. I wanted to attend a church that is not full of Regent students and wanted to have a wider group of friends.
The first church I went to here was a very small group (less than 30) of mainly second -generation migrant Chinese. Most of them were younger than me and were either married or engaged to be married. I liked the people and worship style but did not feel comfortable in that setting.
- Availability of a good Children Ministry or Youth Ministry
I know this is an important consideration for parents. While I believe the main and first place for Christian education is the home, I recognise the importance of healthy role model outside of the home and positive peer influence.
- Formality and dress code
This probably sounds silly but I feel so free seeing my worship pastor lead worship in a round neck t-shirt and jeans. He's a Malaysian about my age with bright red hair but I guess what's important for me is he conveys a great passion for God and worship. My assistant pastor can also be found clad in a jumper and jeans when he's not preaching.
- Parking facility
For those who drive I don't think this is something we can afford to ignore. It's a pain to see how we obstruct traffic for others while we are worshipping God.
- Time of service
It is helpful if we have more than one option especially if our work hours and etc do not permit us to always attend service at the usual hours.

If some of the above clashes with our lifestyle, then perhaps we need to consider adjusting our lifestyle. I mean if God is as important in our life as we claim, then our worship life should not be any less. While our faith is a personal one, it is not an individualistic one. It's easy to be patient in a hermit's cave or be loving and spiritual in our own little world, which consists only of I, me and myself. We are called to be part of a community to work out our faith. Once I commit myself to a being part of a church, I am to embrace that community as my family. Thus is it then for me to leave my family when things are not as exciting, or if I don't agree with certain members? That's not really what being a family is about. We stick things through together and work things out hoping for the best. I may feel my needs are not being met at this point, may not agree with how things are done, or even ashame of some members in the family, but we never quit being family.

I've listed the above to serve as a starting point for those considering such a decision. I've sorted the list between what I consider primary factors and secondary ones. Even then the list of secondary factors do not all bear equal weightage, and different people will accord more weight to one consideration more than others. And I repeat they are far from exhaustive. The primary consideration for me is where I can grow best and live out my Christian faith most faithfully. Yet it's not about what I can get out of church, but where I can live for and serve God best. For example you may not agree with the church's position on various issues like praying in tongues, who can serve communion, opportunity for women to minister, practice of infant baptism, etc. One need to ask ourselves honestly if these issues are important enough for one to break fellowship with a church. At times the only resolution may simply be to agree to disagree about some of these matters. We need to bear in mind there's no perfect church and every church will have its set of flaws, and sometimes these will only show up after we become part of the fellowship and get close enough to take a closer look.

I pray for my friends who are presently making this decision. It's not an easy decision and I believe these are some factors for prayerful consideration. There are no shortcuts and the Lord gives us wisdom and discernment to make the best decision. I pray the Lord will lead you in this process and may He grant you peace in your decision.

Confronting Prayer-lessness & Being Confronted

2006-03-24T23:48:00.000-08:00

Recently I was having a discussion with my pastor-friend about my struggles with prayer. I was sharing with him that sometimes I am so plagued with doubts that paralyse me and find it hard to pray. He reminded me very simply that we pray because it's our lifeline, that we need to pray. That is prayer is not about doing a duty ... because we have to. Even if I didn't have to, I needed to. I know I needed to hear that.

Life is tough and always seem to drag me in different directions. Very often, I feel fragmented and frazzled by the frentic pace of life and tend to be driven. But when I stop, before I rush head on into the day, it helps me see things in perspective. Simply pause and breathe deeply, refusing to let the clock dictate my life or my scheduler to be my master is a discipline. In that act of stopping, I make a profound proclamation to myself and the world, that Jesus is my Lord and He alone is the Master of my life.

I know my struggle with prayer is the fact that I see it as a chore, another thing that I have to fit into my already busy schedule. I do it out of a sense of duty and obligation, as if God should be happy with me for keeping up with this spiritual discipline. When in fact I should be the one who should be grateful for this awesome privilege. Yet I take it lightly and like Esau, fail to appreciate my birthright as a child of God. How this must grieve Him.

Often I'm driven from prayer because of guilt, with a heavy sense of my own brokenness and failures. I feel unworthy to appear before Him, a perfect and holy God, to bring my petitions. Usually the devil brings condemnation, a vague sense of all the wrongs I've committed, instead of conviction by the Holy Spirit about a specific offence that has grieved Him. This leads to me feeling more guilty because I don't feel like praying. Finally this is compounded by more guilt as I feel I ought to be praying more. It's a vicious cycle.

After that meeting with my friend, it felt good to come out clean with the Lord and before someone else. But the Lord was not done with me and almost as if He heard my lament, He gave me another response. The day following that discussion, which was Friday evening, one of the guys at Alpha gave a very powerful illustration about building faith muscles. He shared that for those who work out and lift weights, they are always pushing their muscles to the point that it tears slightly. This will hurt but it is in the recovery that one develops bigger muscles. He then explains that doubts are necessary to push us to build bigger faith muscles. It's only when we discover the 'breaking point' of our faith that we really exercise it and know how strong our faith is! It's as if God is assuring me that He knows my doubts and they do not bother him. He's not the least threatened by them but is willing and big enough to take them on. Many of my doubts are really a failure to reconcile what my faith with my experience in life.

Then on Sunday, my pastor in church preaching what he called was a very simple message to serve as a reminder for all of us. He opened his sermon with an illustration of Christians tending in our 'resignation' letter to God on prayer as if telling Him, I've tried the prayer thing and it doesn't work, so I quit. He went on to preach on the parable of the persistent widow and the unjust judge. Do you ever get this sneaky feeling that God is listening in to what you say? Well, this was one of those occassion for me. It freaked me out but also overwhelmed me! The only response, only appropriate response, was to bow my knee and worship, because 'You alone are God and beside You, there is no other'.

However being the pragmatic that I am, I knew I cannot stay motivated to pray if my main motivation for praying, or praying more, is guilt. Thus I came before Him, completely broken and repented of my prayerlessness. I readily admit to Him that I do not have a natural desire to pray. I prayed for a desire to pray and a hunger for Him. I reckoned if He can make me with an appetite for physical food and make my stomach growl when I'm hungry, He can do the same for me spiritually. In time to come, I might even acquire a taste for prayer like I do for food, well, certain foods at least, and might even start to crave for prayer. Until then, I'd be happy to feel hunger pangs to remind me to pray. Of course I realise this is a dangerous prayer because most often, the urgency to pray is accompanied by crisis. Then again, what does it matter if I gain the whole world and lose my soul? Thus if a crisis (or a series of them! oh no ... ) is what it takes, then crisis it will be. I am hoping (and I think He is too) that I will learn to do so without having to call for such drastic measures.

I don't know if anyone else shares this struggle but I hope this would serve as an encouragement for fellow pilgrims.

Dine Out for Life

2006-03-24T22:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I volunteered with Dine Out for Life, an AIDS Awareness event where restaurants contribute 25% of the bills for the evening towards charity organisations. It was a great experience, doing what I enjoy... meeting people and playing host. I chose to be stationed at a Singaporean restaurant downtown. It was really encouraging to see many people coming out for dinner specially to support this cause. I think this is a great way to promote AIDS awareness among young adults and encourage them to do charity at the same time. The needs are great to help those suffering with the disease and also their loved ones who are supporting them in battling this disease. We all must join hands to fight this battle for humanity.

Many of the patrons I met were gay, either as couples or in groups. It was good to see them hanging out in the regular joints and being comfortable doing so. I don't mean this in a pejorative manner but I think it's great to see many of them having a good time together, just like anyone else. I know it's hard for many of them to live under cover, and even in Vancouver, it's not always accepted. Of course it did cross my mind that some of them are good looking, well-groomed and have suave mannerism ... sigh. With so many women being single, this means there are less men who are available. Thus an eligible woman does not only compete against their female counterparts but also other men.

Just before that, I had come from a lecture and discussion on the sexual revolution that our society has gone through the past few decades. Sex has been detached from almost everything that we have associated it with traditionally. It's disintegrated from the process of procreation with surrogacy and artificial insemination. It's detached from the context of a lifelong covenantal relationship of marriage, with pre-marital sex and extramarital affairs. Sex is no longer determined by which sex we are, nor even need to be with another. Sex has become a commodity to be traded and used, a means of self-expression and to make one feel alive. As such, it is seen as valuable of itself, to satisfy one's needs and means for deriving pleasure. It's also a matter of performance by which one is judged on how good one is at sex.

Often sexual sin is given a special 'status' and stigma that is quite unlike others. As I prayed for the patrons that I met that evening, I asked myself, "Would God hear the prayer of a gay person?" The answer dawned on me (the fact it took a while reveals the state of my heart) and I became most certain He would. The reason I am so certain is simply because I know He hears mine, a sinner. I recently watched a play entitled Prodigal Son where the main character had turned away from God and became a gay. It was a very intense play as he slowly, realising that God does not turn away from him nor turn him away, makes his way back to God. My Lent reading material on the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen reminded of this play and Dr C. Everett Koop, who was featured in Soul Survivor. Koop puts it clearly when he said "I've noticed that Christians tend to get very angry toward others who sin differently than they do." Jesus loves my gay brother just as much as He does me and died for his sin equally.

As I reflect on the evening, I am sad by the awareness that probably not too many Christians would be invited to join such a party nor would they have been comfortable to be seen with such company. Jesus, on the other hand, I am certain, would have been totally comfortable hanging out with these friends and they likewise would be totally at ease with Him. I believe it has to do with how I perceive Christ. Instead of being completely honest and open with Him in my sinful state, I tend to focus on my sinful state, which makes me uncomfortable in His presence. I am more sin-conscious (conscious of my sins) than I am God-conscious. Rather, like Isaiah, I should let my awareness of His presence and holiness, lead me to realisation of my own sinful state. Then in this proper perspective, call out 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!' In that state, I will perhaps be able to better represent Christ before others; instead of making them conscious of their sin and uncomfortable in my presence, humbly direct them to Christ.

iGod

2006-03-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

iGod
• Your personalized saviour
• Create a saviour as individual as you are
• Load what you want to hear
• Listen to it how and when you want to hear it
• Listen to your personalized saviour without bothering others.

iBelieve is a replacement cap and lanyard to convert the iPod Shuffle into a cross. From the iBelieve site.

Malaysia to host International Christian Creative Arts Conference

2006-03-21T21:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, Malaysia is chosen to host the 6th International Christian Creative Arts Conference. This is exciting. Did you know there is a Malaysia has a Christian Dance Fellowship? Find out more at their website.

Christian Dance Fellowship Malaysia & International Christian Dance Fellowship invite you to join us at the:

6th INTERNATIONAL CHRISTIAN CREATIVE ARTS CONFERENCE

July 10—16, 2006
Genting International Convention Centre
Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia

Joyous Greetings from Christian Dance Fellowship of Malaysia (CDFM).

We are proud to inform you that Malaysia has been chosen to host the 6th International Christian Creative Arts Conference. This conference is the global event of the International Christian Dance Fellowship (ICDF) with which CDFM is affiliated. It is held every 3 years, co-hosted by the local charter CDF of a particular country. The previous 5 conferences were successfully held in Israe , UK, South Africa, Australia and USA respectively. Next year, it will be held in July 10-16, 2006 at Genting International Convention Centre, Kuala Lumpur.

Conference Objectives

To present a biblical worldview of the arts related to worship, ministry and mission
To celebrate life, hope and beauty through diversity of multi-genres, cross-cultural evangelism and international exchange of ideas relevant to a fast-changing world.
To develop a unity of artistic expression by reclaiming the arts for the glory of God and His purpose.
To provide a globe networking, encouragement, vision and fellowship for the body of Christ involved in the creative arts and dance ministries.

An exciting international program is in store for all participants. There will be live performances plus a variety of educational activities such as worship celebrations, concerts, workshops, arts exhibition and an outreach dance project titled The Dance Village. These will address dance in different ways and explore its diverse roles, elements and forms, catering to the interests of the participants, performers, choreographers, academics, enthusiasts, audiences and community beyond the church walls.

International speakers, teachers and delegates from approximately 35 to 45 nations will be attending the conference. We also hope to draw an attractive crowd from our own nation and neighbouring Asian countries.

As Malaysia is the host country, we have the advantage of savings on airfare, travelling expenses and forex exchange rates.

Why don't we practice what we preach?

2006-03-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

No on lives up to the ideal, Dostoevsky admits. No one can perfectly love his neighbour as himself. No one can fulfill the law of Christ. God cannot ask so much and be satisfied with so little. We are made for that which is too big for us. It is for this very reason, he concludes, that he must believe in afterlife. Without such a belief, he concludes, our futile struggle to fulfill the law of Christ would have no point. It is our very longing, our failure, our sense of incompleteness that focrces us to throw ourselves on God's mercy. Our imperfection in this life calls for another, more complete realization of that ideal.

There is only one way for any of us to resolve the tension between the high ideals of the gospel and the grim reality of ourselves: to accept that we will never measure up, but that we do not have to. Absolute ideals and absolute grace... Grace announces that that not only is the kingdom of God within me, God himself dwells there.

I read the New Testament, especially the Sermon on the Mount, with a different spirit now... Jesus did not proclaim these exalted words so that we would, Tolstoy-like, furrow our brows in despair over our failure to achieve perfection. He proclaimed them to impart to us God's ideal toward which we should never stop striving, and also to show that none of us will ever reach that ideal. The Sermon on the Mount forces us to recognise that distance between God and us, and any attempt to reduce that distance by somehow moderating its demands misses the point altogether. We are all desperate, and that is in fact the only state appropriate to a human being who wants to know God. Having fallen from the absolute ideal, as Tolstoy did, we have nowhere to land but with Dostoevsky, in the safety net of absolute grace.

Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey

The Sermon on the Mount has always troubled me and the above passage voices some of my own struggles with its demands. I guess I would describe myself as an idealistic person, and while I've been tempted many times, I am thankful I've not given up on the ideals nor tried to moderate its demands to silence my conscience. Reading this book has helped me address many issues that I have struggled with through the years. The timing simply can't be better.

Yancey has helped me once again come to terms with the paradox of absolute ideals and absolute grace. I admit my mind which prefers answers in black and white find it hard to register paradox, and the Bible is full of them. I am grateful for them nevertheless. It is comforting to know that others have struggled with the same distance between Christianity that is often practiced and these ideals. How then should I live? I believe this is the mandate ...

The gospel of grace inflitrates this world not primarily through words and rational arguments, but through deeds. through love. I (Yancey) found humble people who each day faced human problems more extreme than I could imagine, and yet who responded not with paralysis or resentment but with compassion and love. Dostoevsky showed me the logical consequences of a life based on nihilism and doubt; living Christian servants showed me the logical consequences of a life based on faith and love. To follow Jesus, I learned, does not mean to solve every human problem - Christ himself did not attempt that - but rather to respond as he did, against all reason to dispense grace and love to those who deserve it least.

Which gospel? What good news?

2006-03-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

Caution: This is not a theological exposition or a thesis. Just some thoughts and food for thought.

I've been struggling with how some share the gospel. One thing that sometimes bug me is that I don't think my life is good enough for me to proclaim the gospel. This reveals my underlying assumption that I believe my life must show for what I'm proclaiming. Today I'm reminded that I'm not sharing a human gospel but preaching Christ. While my life is a witness for Christ, it is not by virtue of my being a perfect witness. If that's the criterion, then I'll never qualify. Not sure if anyone will. I want to be able to point to my life and show the transformation that's taken place. Then I look at Paul's example and is reminded that Paul kept pointing people to his weaknesses, rejoicing in them. I go like what??? What kind of 'marketing' strategy is that? The right kind I suppose. The focus is on Christ and His work in my life. His word is true regardless if I can prove it. It is interesting that the early Christians did not point to their 'perfect' life but demonstrated the power of God at work through signs and wonders. There the attention was turned to His work their lives. Even then, the signs and wonders were not the focus! It is possible for people to witness and even experience a miracle, but still fail to believe or follow Christ.

When we offer the gospel, we offer Christ. Period. Nothing more, nothing less. If we try to sell the gospel too hard, we'd be tempted to highlight the blessings and play down on the sufferings and persecution. This is misrepresentation and misleading advertisement. It's wrong, unethical and by right, liable for legal suit! OK, you can see I feel quite strongly about this. We don't talk about the cost of discipleship, or that the call of Christ is to "Take up the Cross and follow Me". Simple reason being this tagline doesn't sell! I think it's no harm to point out the cost of following Christ, and that persecution, pain and suffering, even imperfection, are very much part of the life as a Christian. We are not immuned to the blows that life dishes out. In the midst of all that, the Lord promises His abiding presence, unconditional Love and eternal Hope.

Can you imagine the gospel the early Christians were 'selling'? Not unlike the persecuted church today in China and some other parts of the world, the choice to follow Christ is as good as signing up your life as a martyr. That's a sobering thought. I know we want to reach as many people with the gospel as possible, but we should not have to compromise on the message of the gospel in the process. We are not to water it down or make grace cheap. It's noted that despite the obvious cost, many chose to become Christians and the church grew in the midst of persecution. It's probably not evangelism explosion and mass conversion, but you bet the conversions were absolutely serious.

I have been involved in a campus ministry doing Alpha to reach out to international students here. I am careful in how I present the gospel because I am very aware that I can't overpromise and risk them crash with disappointment when things don't always turn out the way they want. I am aware that when they go home (many of them come from China) they will have to face the reality of the consequences of these decisions. I can't pay the price for them, thus it's not for me to judge them for how they decide. This is not to say I don't desire for them to be saved or pray God will draw them by His Spirit to put their faith in Christ. I do and that's why I am there faithfully every week to share this truth with them. I guess I want to do my part to present Christ through His word and hopefully, His presence through mine.

I am calling for authentic faith and honest representation of the gospel. I'm cautious about use of excellent marketing strategy, sleek packaging, high tech gadgets, manipulating emotions or bullying tactics, like threatening them with dramatic representations of Hell! I'm not saying that good planning and modern technology is bad. Not at all. I think we need to watch our motives and consider the manner in which we are using them.

Thanks for bearing with me as I process my thoughts. These are some of my initial ideas for the paper I will be writing on Conversion. I know I am not the first one to bring up these issues and most certainly won't be the last.

Reading and Reflection

2006-03-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

This season of Lent has been a period of reading and reflection. I can see the goodness of God so real; it’s almost scary. It is as if He’s given me an answer for every question that ran through my mind, almost randomly (to me at least).

In my previous blog I mentioned that the Lord has been dealing with the issue of unresolved anger and only to find myself in a talk addressing this very topic. Another thing that has been bugging me is the whole process of conversion and evaluating my own salvation, and I've been asking myself some hard questions about the disparity I see in myself. I guess this has been something that has been playing on my mind for a while, and it kind of hit me hard again these few weeks. My readings lead me to C. S. Lewis, the Pilgrim’s Regress, where he shares of his own conversion journey. I had questions about the church and tried to reconcile what I see in church and how the Bible describes us. It’s painful looking at the failures of the church as a whole and I wondered if there’s hope. I am currently reading Philip Yancey’s Soul Survivor: How Thirteen Unlikely Mentors Helped My Faith Survive the Church! It’s has been very uplifting and helps me reconsider the questions I have been asking and the basis from which I form my questions and evaluations of these issues. Sometimes it feels kind of lonely in the face of such self-doubts and I wonder if I’m the only one mad enough to be bothered by such questions and trying to search for meaning. Only to find the Lord bringing me to a hosts of writers and thinkers who’ve gone before me, struggled with similar issues and left notes of their musings. I am indebted to their honesty and thoughtful insights… and there are no simplistic answers.

Most of the closest friends I’ve made here will be leaving at the end of this term, or at the end of summer. Can’t help feeling a hint of loneliness, even though I remind myself there are still others who are around. Again, guess what? Last week, I attended a lecture given by Dr James Houston on ‘Surviving the Continent of Loneliness’! Not only that, the Lord allowed me to spend a few hours with a like-minded friend, going for a long walk, good conversation and having tea together. To be able spend such extended time sharing with a friend for me is a real luxury and priceless gift. I feel as if the Lord’s telling me He knows every thought that troubles me, hears all my unuttered prayers and understands my needs and deepest longings. He is as close to me as my breath. And just to make sure I don't miss it, He’s made it loud and clear on several occasions just in the span of these past few weeks! How do you say Thank You to such an attentive and loving Heavenly Father? Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Soul Survivor

2006-03-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from Soul Survivor to whet your appetites.

G. K. Chesterton

The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has no one to thank.
The real question is no "Why is Christianity so bad when it claims to be so good?" but "Why are all things so bad when they claim to be so good?"

When London Times asked a number of writers for essays on the topic: "What's Wrong with the World?" Chesterton sent in the reply shortest and most to the point:
Dear Sirs,
I am.
Sincerely yours,
G. K. Chesterton

We always ponder the problem of pain, but have you ever pondered on the problem of pleasure? Why is sex fun? Reproduction surely does not require pleasure - some animals simply split in half to reproduce and even humans use methods of aritifical insemination that involve no pleasure. Why is eating enjoyable? Plants and the lower animals manage to obtain their quota of nutrients without the luxury of tastebuds. Why are there colours? Some people get along fine without the ability to detect colour. Why complicate vision for all the rest of us?

Dr Paul Brand
- Reflecting on the Gift of Pain, one of the excellent books he co-authored with Yancey.

He (Brand) insisted on pain's great value, holding up as proof the terrible results of leprosy - damaged faces, blindness, and loss of fingers, toes, and limbs - all of which occurs as side-effects of painlessness. Brand had made the groundbreaking medical discovery that leprosy does its damage merely by destroying nerve endings. People who lose pain sensation then damage themselves by such simple actions as gripping a splintered rake or wearing tight shoes. Pressure sores form, infections set in, and no pain signals alert them to tend to the wounded area.

I thank God for pain. I cannot think of a greater gift I could give to my leprosy patients.
He went on to describe the intricacies of the pain system that protects the human body. It takes firm pressure of a very sharp needle for the sole of the foot to feel pain, whereas the cornea of the eye senses one-thousandth as much pressure, calling for a blink reflex when a thin eyelash or speck of dust brushes the surface. Intestines do not sense pain from being cut or burned - dangers these internal organs do not normally confront - yet they send out the urgent pain signal of colic when distended.

When he first start working as a doctor in a hospital:
I noticed that the symptoms of illness my patients complained about were actually a display of bodily healing at work. Virtually every response of our bodies that we view with irritation or disgust - blister, callus, swelling, fever, sneeze, cough, vomiting and especially pain - demonstrates a reflex toward health. In all these things normally considered enemies, we can find a reason to be grateful.

Brand responded to the dilemma of the marvel of the natural world and its apparent flaws with a twin spirit of gratitude and trust - gratitude for those things he could see and appreciate, and trust regarding those things he could not. To Brand's surprise, faith in God's trustworthiness deepened even as he worked among people least likely to feel gratitude, leprosy victims in India, because he saw transformation in the lowest of the low resulting from simple compassion and a healing touch.

What about birth defects? He launched into a description of the complex biochemistry involved in producing one healthy child. The great wonder is not that birth defects occur but that millions more do not. Could a mistake-proof world have been created so that the human genome with its billions of variables would never err in transmission? No scientist could envision such an error-free system in our world of fixed physical laws.

(In today's world where people spend a lot of money to eliminate and seek to avoid pain at all cost, this is a counter-culture message.)

Robert Coles
- Trained medically, Coles was a psychiatrist, Harvard lecturer, wrote voluminous works from his study of the poor and even championed against racism, for civil rights. Finally he taught spiritual literature in Harvard, challenging the brightest minds in business, medicine, law and etc to think about the more important questions of life.

The poor had no answers for the unfairness of life. Had a mere accident of birth condemned them to a cycle of suffering and poverty? They had little time or leisure to contemplate such questions. But when asked about the source of strength in their lives, they often pointed to Jesus. Religion for them was no crutch but rather a source of inspiration. They found in Jesus, and in the image of the cross, a ray of hope that convinced them God knew their sufferings.

Coles reflected on the peculiar circumstances of life that God had chose in coming to earth, as a carpenter who associated with peasants and fishermen, his mother used to remind him, not as a doctor or lawyer or college professor.

Among the poor he had expected defeat and despair; he found some, yes, but he also found strength and hope and courage. Among the rich, he expected satisfaction and instead found boredom, alienation and decadence.

Expressing Anger

2006-03-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

I attended a talk this week in College on ‘The Arrogance of Expectations: Reflections on Anger’. The speaker was Dr Rod Wilson, the President of Regent College, who’s a trained and experienced psychologist, who has written 2 books on this topic. This was one of the most enlightening talks on this topic I’ve attended – the sad truth is I’ve not heard many address this topic in the Christian circle. Or perhaps I should say, I’ve not many positive things said about this topic in the Christian circle. Another reason why I found this session particularly is probably due to the fact that the Lord has been dealing with me in this area.

The first thing that struck me was the strong affirmation that there is a place for anger and even the proper expression of anger. He emphasised that this to be true especially for women, for Christians and for Christian leaders – which I can identify with all 3 categories. A lot of times, the signal given to women is that it is inappropriate for women to express anger, and all sorts of labels are attached to a woman who is angry, which is not attributed to the male counterpart. That explains why a lot more women are depressed, a sign of anger turned inwards. The real issue behind anger is power, and we often resort to anger to render the other person powerless. Sometimes anger is used against those in authority, because those who are under authority feel powerless in the relationship and seek to regain power by showing one’s anger. However since it is deemed inappropriate for women to express her anger in such a manner, she will resort to tears both as a means to express her anger and to regain power in a relationship. This is most often played out in marriage relationships, or between mother and her son, especially if he's a married adult son. Many men readily admit that they can handle and deal with anger anytime but find themselves quite powerless against tears. Therefore it is important for both men and women to correct this notion about the propriety of women to express an emotion that is very much part of being angry.

The other category is Christian and this have been so misconceived. Bible say in your anger do not sin, and do not let the sun go down on your anger. The former is at times interpreted as it is ok to feel some anger but it’s not right to express it and we simply have to forgive the other party. Some read the latter as we should try to talk late into the night and try to resolve every issue before we go to bed. Not that that’s a bad idea, but it is neat to be reminded that, even there, the sun has long set while you are trying to talk things through! God expresses this emotion and I believe it is a valid emotion to be expressed. God’s anger is a righteous anger and thus it is right to be angry at injustice, and allow that anger to propel us to action because anger itself is loaded with energy. But I’m cautious when we mask our anger, which we feel has no appropriate outlet of expression, and channel to these causes. It is an attempt to express anger through a channel which may have nothing to do with the real source of our anger that we have not dealt with. This can result in a hugely disproportionate amount of anger manifested for the cause we support. For example a mum whose child has been killed by a drunk driver may channel her anger by joining a group for moms in similar situations. This is an activist organisation which propagates against drunk driving. However if she does not deal with her own anger and seek to forgive the person who killed her child, she may react with a disproportionate level of anger when she comes across another teenager who’s guilty of drunk driving. On the contrary, she may experience the release of forgiveness by ‘forgiving’ this particular teenager.

Very often in the Asian culture, the expression of anger, especially against a person who is in authority, more senior in age, rank and financial or social status is wholly inappropriate. Thus anger is often turned inward or expressed by cold, detached and silent treatment. The latter is very harmful but powerful because it spells rejection. Thus instead of ‘connecting’ by proper expression of anger, we withdraw and hope the other person would give in, playing on their fear of rejection. This again is a manipulation technique trying to ‘overpower’ the other person. Another thing is there’s a lot of rage and disproportionate display of anger on the roads, when anger is continually suppressed against perhaps bosses and situations at work or at home.

There’s a lot more I can share about owning our anger, taking responsibility for our response and how our expectations set us up. This is especially true when the person is close to us, as the closer we are in relationship with someone, the more expectations we have. We can also learn to read how our body signals to us when are feeling angry. But for now I think it is sufficient to look at just the issue of expressing anger, an emotion that we often fail to validate. Sometimes we hide and suppress it so well, we might not be conscious that this issue is bothering us. This has helped me to see how my own anger has sometimes been so deeply suppressed that the only time they emerge is through my dreams. I recently had a dream of a full-scale confrontation with someone in authority, whom I dearly love and respect but have never had the courage to confront. The whole scenario was so real and the pain was very real too. On other occasions I have dreamt that someone close to me, again in authority, had passed away and I was unable to grieve. I pray for the Lord’s mercy as He helps me work through these different issues.

p/s: Drop me a line if you want to know more of some of these thoughts which I have not been able to cover with more detail.

Seminar on Da Vinci Code

2006-03-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

KAIROS RESEARCH CENTRE SEMINAR ON DA VINCI CODE
Venue: Petaling Jaya Evangelical Free Church
Time: 4 May 2006, 8.30 – 10.30 pm

Everybody loves a conspiracy, especially one that involves a fast pace murder thriller and promises to challenge the historical foundations of Christian origins and exposes secrets that will scandalize the Church.
Without doubt, the best seller Da Vinci Code has generated questions that demand a vigorous intellectual response.
Kairos Research Centre will be organizing a public talk to refute the claims of Da Vinci Code with a presentation of the true history of Christian origins and the trustworthiness of the Gospels.

Issues addressed include the following:
- Fiction and Truth in a Post-Modern age
- The Historical Jesus and the Reliability of the Gospels
- The Development of Early Christian Doctrines and the Challenge of Gnosticism

The Panel Speakers are:
Ms Wong Ming Yook – Formerly Lecturer in the English Department of University Malaya and currently a free lance writer.
Rev. Wong Fong Yang – Pastor of City Discipleship Presbyterian Church
Dr. Ng Kam Weng – Research Director of Kairos Research Centre.

Admission Free. All Welcomed.
See link to Kairos Research on the right panel.

Prayer of Lament

2006-03-09T01:07:00.000-08:00

The Psalms are full of laments but yet when was the last time you found yourself expressing lament during a worship service and even have an entire service based on it. It was a moving experience as we offered up our lament, individually and corporately. This was the series of prayers written by one of the students who led us in prayer. I found it very powerful and moving. Totally in tune with this season of Lent.

Opening Prayer

Maybe we did something wrong
We used to feel you
Impression on our skin,
strong arm wrapped around.

But now it seems
We are alone
With no one to help

Gathered now to listen and speak
We wonder
Will it even matter?

We come here torn up,
Vicious dogs
Depression
envy
Angry thoughts
Ravenous, they eat

We come wounded
we come
Undone
Soul undone
Bones out from their socket
Bodies turning on themselves
Life, crumpled in the corner

We come to you empty
Melted hearts, poured out
Spilling to the ground
Till there is nothing
No one to hold them
But death’s dust
Enemy stares and gloats.

Like this we come,
To a God we cannot see
To scream for help
Fists beating against your chest
Pawing at your sky

Like this we come
Tangled up in deadlines
Too distracted to notice
Drinking from the cup
of success
We do not even care

Like this we come
False ambition
Clothed in contradiction
Yet naked underneath
Bodies pieced apart
Separated from ourselves
We groan

We come numb
Swollen tongue
stuck to the roof of our mouth
fluid of life drains out
As we turn to see there’s no one there

God,
It’s like this that we come
And ask for your help
Spirit come to
Gather up our pains in your heart
Swaddle flailing lives
Swaddle flailing regent
So she can sleep again
At your breast
To know
you are good.

Corporate confession

God
sees underneath
Intentions below the surface
Tears waiting
behind smiles
Doubt accompanying faith

And if you are here,
God,
not far off,
But closer than our own skin,
Surely you have seen
Surely you have seen

When we push our bodies beyond themselves
Satisfying our schedules, rather than stewarding your temple.

In your mercy, forgive us.

When we demand blessing in light of our obedience
Presuming we can earn your favor
When we cheapen your death—as we long for a rule-driven gospel
When we crucify ourselves with self-hate
And pray to a Saviour who we think couldn’t bear to love us,

In your love, forgive us.

When we think we’re more loved or saved than others

Forgive us, and teach us true humility

When we hide from you, behind our knowledge of you
When we think that being united in our love for you, means uniformity in the way we express it,
Forgive us and teach us to learn from each other

When we’re tight-fisted with your money, with our lives

Unclench our fists and make us open-handed. Ready to give, open to receive.

When we keep sorrow in its corner, unsure of a love that could allow so much pain.
Because of your gentleness,
Love us in spite of ourselves.

When we despair of pressing forward
Fearing the fount of miracles has run dry

Hold us.

Hoping against all hope
We pray for the people of the Downtown Eastside

Because of your justice, help us bring peace

For we who struggle to follow,
Constrained by affections for comfort and control

Because of your Kingdom, loose our bonds

And for those of us to whom life has dealt a seemingly final blow
Face to the concrete, too exhausted to move

Because of your tenderness, take us by the hand and raise us up.

Spirit of the Living God,
We invite you
Blaze across our sky
Wring death out of our hearts
And saturate our souls with your breathe, life, faith.

Hoping against all hope
We lay defeat aside
We grab for the corner of your cloak
And wait for a miracle.

Benediction
You, heart peering out from behind yesterday,
Wondering
If you can brave tomorrow;

You, mind racing,
wrapping your story
in should’ves, could’ves, if I’d only

You, created for intimacy,
But too tired to step into it,
soul pacing inside you,
hesitant to show itself;

You,
body worn,
knees in the dirt,
face there, too;

O children of the resurrection
May your soul fling open its windows
To see in the distance
The arm of the lord
Indeed
He has done it
It is finished

Impression on your skin
Spirit piercing your flesh,
driving into your heart
an invitation to dance,
to smile, to hope,
pressing light into your dark,
unclenching your heart
blood of redemption and grace pulsing through dry veins
flooding love into your fears.
He has done it.

So, may wait with one another
truly
He will not hide his face
From you forever
Behold it is very close

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Faith in the Faithful

2006-03-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

Some time back I felt the Lord convicting me for my failure to trust him. One of the reasons why I chose to come out here was because I wanted to learn how to trust God. Tired of trusting my own and earthly resources, I desired to see Him meet my needs. I sincerely wanted to be able to say with conviction that He is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord my Provider. I lament that I was tired of listening, reading and repeating other people's story of faith and I wanted to have my own, up-to-date testimonies. Then I felt convicted that my action was nothing short of testing Him and had to repent before the Lord. I felt ashamed for my failure to acknowledge His provision through 'natural' means, as if they were not good enough. It was a hard lesson and I had to re-evaluate my theology.

Nevertheless, I must say, God is so very merciful and even condescends to our childish ways. I guess it pleases Him when my desire is to boast of him and there's nothing harder for him to resist than to have his children boast about him! This week has been a real treat as the Lord reminds me he knows my needs and desires to meet them. I've been running low on cheese and was a little reluctant to replenish my stock until I see them on sale at the supermarket. It's no big deal except that I don't think it's worth buying when it is not on sale. Then God send angels who gave me some supply of good quality mozarella cheese!

I'm having a reading break this week and have not been eating dinner with my regular kaki-s (who by the way are leaving to return to Singapore after this term). I was thinking what I'd cook for dinner on my way home, after a whole day at work. Only to find that an angel had come by and left me some Indonesian style mee goreng waiting for me at home. It's a simple delight and blessing. For me, it's great when someone takes you out and buys you a meal, but something else altogether when someone takes the trouble to cook you a meal. I guess the thought counts alot and the effort, of course. Especially when they take into consideration that you might prefer Asian cuisine that is not too spicy and listing the ingredients to check you're not allergic to any of them! For me this is such an expression of love and worth much more than an expensive dining experience, as much as I like those as well.

Does he need to do this to prove he is God and that he is faithful? No. Did he want to peer through my day to surprise me and let me know He thought of me and know my whispered desires? Yes. Does he know I have put in my application to renew my scholarship for next academic year and that am thinking if I should shift out of my current residence in view of the increase of rates next year? Probably. Can he take care of that? Sure he can and this is just a simple assurance that he is in control.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. More than anything, I am led to ponder on His indescribable and infinite love, seen through His passion and death. I invite you to join me to linger at the foot of the cross.

Lord of War

2006-03-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

Watched this movie at the campus cinema last night. It was a fund-raising event for West Sudan. Amnesty International was present to campaign for arms control. I was really surprised to see the turn out as students lined up for more than 100m to get their ticket. The cinema at the Student Union Building (SUB) is one of the most dingy and usually there's hardly a queue to get tickets, even on weekends. These Uni students really made their way in support of this cause. It was very encouraging, considering that this generation is usually associated with apathy. The organisers were very affirming and kept reminding the group that each person counts and can make a difference. They also organised an after movie drink at the pub to discuss the movie. These kids pay for both the movie (which is really sponsored so that all proceeds go to Amnesty International) and the drink session.

You probably think, what am I coming to? First environmental issue, now arms control. Well, I suppose this is part of my learning experience; learn to be concerned with issues around me, beyond my little world and tiny circle of concerns. I don't know how many Christians were there last night but I believe not too many. Yet I won't be surprised if not too few there were. I met some folks here who are very politically aware and even in some churches, you can't escape these issues. Of course there are also Christians who only think in very limited scope and have no idea what's happening outside the church walls. But I dare say we can do with more churches and Christians actively engaging in such issues.

It's a fantastic movie, with a powerful story and fast paced. Based on facts, it bears a profound message... that the real weapons of mass destruction is not nuclear armoury but small handheld arms trafficked illegally, both by arm dealers and even world governments! It is scarily true. The opening scene is very memorable and reminds me one of those essays (karangan) I had to write when I was in primary school - "If I were a ..... (an inimate object)". The soundtracks are great and haunting, and can be heard on the movie's site. Violent? You bet. Nicholas Cage plays a villain - first time as far as I recall. Here you watch what how one moves from denial to justification when dealing with sin. We do this so often that we rarely stop to think about it. In the end, sin has its price. Ethan Hawke plays the role of the interpol agent who seeks to use the law to bring about justice and refuse to compromise his own sense of uprightness to achieve this.

Link to the Lord of War movie site.
Find out how you can make a difference - Amnesty International.